Note: I know I've been missing for a while story-wise, and that's not really changing. Finals are 1.5 months away and it's cram-time. I have tons of Contracts, Torts, and Property left to learn. But I was talking to a friend of mine while we watched "Crime Aid" and I was super-hoping for a certain scenario to play out, but it didn't, so I just thought I'd do it anyway. Episode tag/supplement for "Crime Aid."
C.R.I.M.E. A.I.D.: The Auction
Hank the Security Guard (that was what they called him because none of them knew his last name) had followed Kevin's example and stormed off the stage when no one bought any of his CDs. Plus, he heard Ryan murmuring to Oscar that he'd gladly pay the $4 just to get him to stop playing. That hadn't gone over well.
Michael was running out of things to auction. He clearly didn't want to auction off Phyllis's hug and he didn't want to end the auction so early by pulling out those Springsteen tickets, so he started taking impromptu items and putting them up on the block.
"Oscar?" Michael tilted his head to the side, and there was no missing the desperation in his eyes as he resorted to polling the audience. "What about you? Is there something that you would like to auction off that you didn't think of before? Like...a shopping trip? Where you could help the winner buy new shirts and pants and wet leggings and figure out if they're an autumn or a winter or a fall?"
Kelly watched the camera zoom in on Oscar really quick and knew he was giving it one of his heavy-lidded I'm-so-sick-of-my-ignorant-boss-that-I-could-beat-him-with-my-shoe looks.
"No, Michael."
"Or...something like a home makeover?" Michael shrugged as if this was perfectly reasonable. "You could knock down someone's house and build a new one with lots of stuff from Sears. And, hey! You'd get to wear a construction hat. And you'd handle really powerful tools all day. That's what she said."
She could see Ryan shift uncomfortably in his seat, half in the shot as the camera returned to Oscar. The accounted folded his arms over his chest. "No, Michael."
"You sure?" Their boss clearly wasn't getting the hint, despite the fact that Oscar was about two seconds away from smacking him in the face with it. "What about-"
"Okay!" Oscar shot out of his seat, apparently having decided that he'd rather offer up something crappy than hear the next distorted gay stereotype Michael had in mind. "I'll auction something."
He reluctantly shuffled up onto the stage when Michael kept waving for him to come up, and faced his coworkers. "Uh...I didn't really have anything planned, but...I, er, I'm really good with Microsoft Office. You know, Access, Excel, OneNote, Word. I've heard a couple people talking about how they don't really know how to use all those programs to the fullest, and if anyone wanted me to give them a tutorial...I could do that."
"Learn about Microsoft Office in the office," Michael boomed, looking around the room. "I'll start the bidding at five dollars."
"Seriously?" Kelly could hear Ryan scoff, muttering to himself as he likely remembered Michael's failed attempts at using PowerPoint back when Corporate!Ryan assigned him a presentation. "It's worth way more than that."
"Five dollars," Phyllis said, raising her paddle.
"I've got five, do I hear ten?"
"Ten dollars," Kevin piped up.
"I've got ten, do I have-"
"Twelve dollars!"
"Twelve dollars and one penny."
"Dwight..." Michael growled at him, waving the squeaky gavel for him to be quiet. "Stop that. I've got twelve dollars!"
"Fifteen!"
"Twenty!"
"Twenty-two!"
"Twenty-five dollars."
"Sold to Phyllis for twenty-five dollars!" That ridiculous gavel squeaked when Michael banged it against the podium. "Thank you, Oscar. Okay, next...let's see...Kelly, do you have something you'd like to auction? Anything?"
"Uh...okay." Never one to be shy, Kelly hopped up from her seat and headed to the stage as Oscar got down. David Wallace, who was sitting in the front row, stopped him long enough to shake his hand, and Kelly heard him thank Oscar for offering his knowledge and expertise to his colleagues. David was an okay kind of guy, Kelly decided, smiling up at him as she passed him by. It was nice that he hadn't spent his first few minutes there glaring at Ryan, who had actually scooted down in his chair when Michael first announced his presence.
"Ladies and guys, our very own Kelly Kapoor!" Michael handed her the mic as she climbed up, having no clue what she was going to say.
To the camera:
Kelly: I didn't really plan on doing anything. I mean, getting up on a stage to sell part of yourself off? Kind of whorish. And I'm not a prude, but whatever. But, I don't know, it's for a good cause. And I always try to help out. Oscar lost his laptop and Angela lost all of her figurines. The burglars didn't take anything from my desk. I mean, I thought they took my pink nail polish at first. It's called To Eros is Divine, and it's super sparkly and pretty. See?
(she holds up her manicured hands to the camera)
But it turned out that I just put it in the wrong drawer, so I celebrated by adding another coat. I just thought that everyone lost something but me, so I could pitch in. Plus, I figured I could probably come up with something totally awesome that a lot of people would want to bid on. How hard could it be, really? I'm totally awesome and I love awesome things. Come on.
Kelly played with the mic, trying to think on her feet now that she was up there. She liked all the people she worked with, really, but sometimes they could be kind of lame. She needed to find something that they'd be able to get, that they'd be able to enjoy.
"Um..." Absently, she played with a lock of her dark hair, not noticing how everyone's eyes were boring into hers - one pair of arresting blue ones in particular, from the seat all the way in back next to Oscar.
"Kelly..." Michael's gentle voice, a little strained with impatience, interrupted her reverie, and he arched a brow at her. "While we're young."
"Um, well, I guess..." She pursed her lips and squinched them to the side, then quickly stopped because she'd done that in front of the mirror once and had seen first-hand just how weird she looked. Totally not hot. "I guess I could auction off an evening of shopping with me. Don't take this the wrong way, but some of you look like you either get dressed in the dark or out of the JCPenny catalog and, trust me, there are better ways to go."
Ryan was the only one that smiled at that. David Wallace coughed a little, but she figured he probably had something stuck in his throat. Or it was allergies.
"So I would totally take you out shopping – not on me, though, obviously – and I'd help you pick out cute shoes and skirts and blouses and dresses if you're a girl, and cute shoes and nice shirts if you're a guy. And I can totally dress guys, don't worry, just ask R- er, Darryl. I pick out his nice clothes all the time."
Michael interrupted her and advanced, shaking his head. "No, no, no shopping sprees. No one cares. No one needs that much pink in their closet anyway, it's kind of frui-" He glanced at David Wallace and coughed a little. "Pick something else. No shopping."
She let out a huff and folded her arms over her chest. Thinking of things all spur-of-the-moment-like was hard enough as it was without him shooting down her ideas immediately. "Like what?"
"Like…" Michael gave her the once over and shrugged. "Your hat. It's a nice hat. I could see Oscar pulling it off."
Horrified, she touched her cute little grey tweed hat. "I'm not auctioning off my hat, I love this hat. It's the only one I can wear without making my face look too square."
"What about your dress?" Michael asked, gesturing to the long, form-fitting red sweater dress she wore. "It's nice. I could see Angela in it."
To the camera:
Ryan (smiling tightly): It's nice to see that some things haven't changed around here at all. And when I say it's nice…I mean that it absolutely is not.
"Angela can't wear this dress," Kelly retorted as if it was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard, making Ryan smile again. "She totally doesn't have the skin for it. It'd wash her out and make her look even paler."
Angela folded her arms across her chest in a huff, and Andy winced and leaned closer, now charged with the task of making her smile again as she simultaneously planned horrible things for Kelly Kapoor's imminent future.
"Well, find something to sell and make it good!" Michael demanded. "Think of everyone in the office who lost their stuff because of this…totally unexpected…totally unavoidable tragedy that no one could have in any way foreseen."
To the camera:
David Wallace: I've never really done any of these before, so I'm not sure about the protocol, but…please don't tell me that Michael had anything to do with the security lapse last night.
(rubs his forehead)
Wait, on second thought…don't tell me. I don't want to know. The more I know, the more I'm bound to – never mind. Just…don't tell me.
"Okay…" Kelly twirled the mic in her hand and tapped her chin, and her eyes suddenly lit up. "Oh! I know! I have something totally awesome. Movie night with Kelly Kapoor!"
"What-" Michael looked confused. "What are you talking about?"
"Whoever wins gets to come over to my place and watch movies with me," Kelly beamed, hopping up and down a little. "I've got a huge collection of DVDs and a really nice plasma that my parents gave me for Christmas, and surround sound. Trust me, it's wicked awesome. And – and I have this bottle of wine that I've been saving for a special day, so we can have that. And I'll cook you dinner since I like to cook dinner for myself and then watch a movie like it's my reward for being all Betty-Crocker-like or whatever."
"That sounds…" Michael winced. "Lame. What kind of movies are we talking about?"
"Love Actually, which is totally awesome, How to Lose a Guy In Ten Days, also awesome, or maybe Knocked Up or The 40 Year Old Virgin-"
"Okay," he cut in, laughing loudly. "The 40 Year Old Virgin? Yikes, what a loser. And they actually made a movie about this guy? Watch out, Dwight, you're next."
Dwight was in no mood and didn't even bother reacting to the jab.
Kelly was still prattling on. "Or, I don't know, like, A Knight's Tale because Heath Ledger was so totally gorgeous, or maybe the Illusionist or something."
Ryan's eyebrows shot up. The Illusionist was something that was more likely to be a part of his collection rather than hers. It was the kind of movie he would have had to twist her arm to get her to watch. Well, probably not twist her arm, but more like promise to wear a tie to work the next day that matched the outfit she planned to wear.
"That was a good movie," she said softly to herself. "Oh! Oh! I also have Little Miss Sunshine, which is super cute. And I got The Perfect Man last week, so…"
"Which one is that?" Michael wanted to know.
"The one with Hilary Duff."
"Oh." He snapped his fingers at her. "Love her. Yes. Okay, movie and dinner and wine with Kelly Kapoor."
"And if you're part of a couple, you totally don't have to worry," Kelly added. "You can totally bring the other person. The more, the merrier."
"Great – let's start the bidding at twenty dollars."
"Twenty dollars!" Holly grinned, holding up her paddle. Kelly smiled sweetly at her and looked over when Andy raised his paddle.
"Thirty doll- ow!"
Angela had just hit him.
"I got thirty dollars, do I have thirty-five?"
"Thirty-five," David Wallace announced, throwing his hand up with a grin. He'd met Kelly Kapoor a couple times at company events and the young woman's enthusiasm for everything was contagious.
"I got thirty-five, do I have-"
"Forty," Holly piped up, waving her paddle.
"I'll add ten to that," Michael said for Holly's benefit. "We have fifty, going once-"
"Fifty-five for Bobby and me," Phyllis chimed in as Bob nodded. "We like romantic comedies and wine."
"No surprise there," Angela could be heard grumbling. She snapped her mouth shut when Bob turned to look at her, but her expression remained acidic. She was clearly still smarting from Kelly's remark about her complexion – even though she wouldn't be caught dead wearing a trampy color like bright red any day except Christmas, anyway. It was the color of sin and everyone knew that.
"Fifty-five dollars, do I have sixty?"
"Sixty-five dollars," came a voice in the back, and they all turned to gape at him as Ryan raised his paddle, not caring for a second how stupid he probably looked. Kelly was staring at him from the stage, and even David Wallace was looking at him directly. When Ryan didn't flinch away, his former boss smirked and turned, facing forward.
"Ryan, I don't think you get how this works," Michael said. "You don't have to go higher than what I said because it was already higher than the last bid entered-"
"Seventy," David cut in with a smile as Kelly fidgeted at all the attention.
"Eighty," Ryan tossed back as if it was nothing.
Kevin was giggling in the corner. He had bet someone a good chunk of money that Hired Guy would make another play for his ex at the auction. For the first time in quite a while, he would most likely collect.
"Ninety," Holly beamed, not entirely up to speed on the subtext but happy to stay in the game. Kelly was a nice girl, and Holly liked that she was getting this kind of positive attention. It seemed like people often forgot about her in the customer service division of the annex, and this was nice evidence to the contrary.
"One hundred."
"One hundred dollars, going once, going twice, sold to Ryan the administrative assistant!" A loud squeak followed and everyone clapped, even David Wallace, who Kelly decided had to be the best executive, like, ever.
"Enjoy it, my friend," Michael said, "she's got quite the movie collection there."
Boy, did he know it.
Kelly was giving him one of her cute, bewildered little smiles as she hopped down the stage and walked over to where he was. "Seriously?"
Ryan just shrugged.
She planted a hand on her hip over that cute red dress and tilted her head to the side. "You do know that, like, a year ago, you could have done this for free, right?'
That made him smile that familiar, quirky, half-smile of his that he used when he knew he shouldn't find something funny but he did, and Kelly rolled her eyes with a grin as she walked past him to her seat.
"Oh, Ryan, you're such a ditz."
The End.