Friends and Lovers
By Misha
Chapter Fourteen
Author's Notes- This chapter is pretty short, but it's also kind of angsty. It's all Shawn, as he thinks about Chloe and resolves to try and move on. After this chapter, I'm not going to concentrate on the Shloe thing as much, with the exception of the rift between them, and instead I'm going to build the Shelle relationship more. But, warning, it'll be several parts before Shawn's really over Chloe and he realizes that he has feelings for Belle. That'll happen in February (in the story), I already have something big planned. It'll be fun. Anyway, the song I use is "It Doesn't Matter" by Alison Krauss and Union Station and it can be found on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer soundtrack. That's all, enjoy.
Friday, November 24th 2000, the day after Thanksgiving
The next night Shawn sat in his room, thinking about how awkward things still were. He and Chloe were trying, but it was so hard.
He jumped up from his bed, unable to stand the silence of the room.
The silence just made him think about Chloe more, and he didn't want that. It hurt too much.
He grabbed the first CD he found and shoved it in the CD player and then looked down at the case to see what it was.
To his surprise it was the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Soundtrack.
"What the...? I don't even own this!" He exclaimed, trying to figure out where the disk came from and then he realized.
It had to be Chloe's. Before she and Phillip got together she used to bring it over all the time and make him listen to it. She must have let here by accident the last time she had come over and not noticed in the mess that everything had become.
He decided to listen to it, because even though it would make him think of Chloe even more, it would be memories of the days before Phillip became a big part of her life. The days when the two spent every day together, hanging out on his room, listening to music, doing homework, and just goofing around.
He sat down on his best for a while and just listened until he heard track #13 came on.
He closed his eyes and listened to the words.
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Don't matter if I bleed
You've been on a road
Don't know where it goes or where it leads
Shawn listened to the words and thought about how true it was.
It didn't matter.
What he felt didn't matter, it didn't change anything. Just because he loved Chloe, didn't mean she didn't love Phillip. His feelings didn't effect hers. He hated to admit it, but he had to.
He thought, for a moment, to the last time he had heard her sing along to this song and the conversation that had followed.
It had been a month before school started and a month before Phillip had swept her off her feet and brought a new light to her eyes. At that time she was still the Chloe Shawn had always known and things were the way they had always been.
"I think it's sad and true." Chloe said softly. "One person's feelings may not matter to someone else."
"That's not true." Shawn argued. "People care about one another."
"Maybe, but... Think about it like this. Say that these two people are madly love and then they part and by the time they meet up again, he loves someone else. Her feelings don't matter, what she wants doesn't affect the fact that he no longer loves her. Maybe he cares, but it still change how he feels. In the end, it doesn't matter."
Shawn smiled sadly.
Who would have thought that those words affected them and their situation? But they did. She had been right, in the end it didn't matter.
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
If you've made up your mind to go
I won't beg you to stay
You've been in a cage
Throw you to the wind you fly away
Shawn closed his eyes for a second, picturing Chloe.
He loved her, he had for so long. But that didn't matter. His loving her, didn't change how she felt. She didn't love him, she never would. And he was only hurting them both.
"I have to let go of my feelings for her." He whispered, glancing at the picture of Chloe on his nightstand.
He stood up and picked the picture up. Then sadly slipped it into his drawer. He had to get over her, accept the fact that she'd never love him.
It doesn't matter what I want
It doesn't matter what I need
It doesn't matter if I cry
Doesn't matter if I bleed
Feel the sting of tears
Falling on this face you've loved for years
"It doesn't matter." Shawn whispered as he closed the drawer.
Then he sat back down on the bed, tears streaming down his face.
I love you, Chloe Wesley, but from this moment on I have to forget that. I have to think of you as a friend and nothing more, because that's how you of me. And even though I want more, what I want doesn't matter. He thought sadly, picturing her face for a brief second and then pushing the image away.
She wasn't his, she'd never be his, and it didn't matter that he wanted her to be.
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