I wished that it was not so hard to see people I used to consider family. It has been seven years almost to the day when I said goodbye for the last time. I ran away because of fear, an irrational fear that it was my fault they had died when the reality of it was that I was saved and they were not. I do not know why I was saved and they weren't and it is not fair, not fair that I lived, not fair that they died, not fair that children lost their parents, that parents lost their children. September 11th in 2001 many people saw the ugly side of not fair and life sucks. The strength that the nation as a whole showed after the attack though, that is heroism at its finest. One Nation, One life, people from coast to coast felt a loss that day. Some people dealt with it better than others though. Some people stood up to fight, some people ran away.

I was one of those who ran away and I regretted it everyday but I was too scared to just turn around. Too scared until this year, with my best friend. Now I have part of my family back, it isn't the same, and it never will be, but I have them just the same and in a few minutes I am going to see Adrian and Jason's families.

We walked into the community center to a private room in the corner where a petite blonde haired woman sat looking at a box of old photos and two boys sat playing video games in the corner while their grandparents looked at the photos with the young blonde woman. I stopped in the doorway and watched them as they smiled and shared stories, Bones took my hand and squeezed it and I mustered up the nerve to walk into the room.

Bones pushed me into the room and over to the table where Adrian's mom stood up and pulled me into one of the tightest hugs I have ever had. "I'm so sorry." I blurted out along with a burst of tears. I felt as if I had reverted to Parker's age again. "It is all my fault." I said crying into her shoulder. Like the mom she is she held me while I cried. I felt Bones put her hand on my shoulder and squeeze it before I heard her introducing herself.

"Hi, I'm Temperance." I heard her say to I assume Tia who stood up and came over and gave her a quick hug.

"Jason and I got married when he joined the Army right out of high school. He always said that he wanted to wait to have kids until he was done with the military. He never wanted it as a career. I help with Jason and Adrian over there sometimes so Carol and Phil can get a break." She said pretty much telling her life story. I had a hard time listening because I was trying to stop crying but the harder I tried to stop the more I felt like an idiot and it would make me cry even harder.

"What happened to their Mother?" I heard Bones ask gently.

"Gina was pregnant with the twins when the attack happened. When she heard the news she went into early labor. They had to deliver the boys and they were unable to stop the bleeding. She died on September 13th. She hung on long enough to name the boys though, Jason Seeley and Adrian Jeremy. Seeley and Jeremy were like big brothers to Jason, Adrian, Mitch and Derek even though they were only a couple years older. Seeley is the twins' Godfather. She said walking to me, I let go of my grip on Carol and wrapped my arms around her.

Bones finally came back over and gave me a hug, "Have Faith." she whispered into my ear. I remembered what that little girl had said and I smiled. I sat down with Bones at the table and looked through the pictures. Tia had found some pictures I hadn't ever seen. Most were candid shots we had sent back while we were over seas but some were of family barbeques or days at the beach.

"I am sorry." I said again this time without crying.

"Stop." Phil said sternly to me. "You did not fly the damn plane into the building killing all those people. You loved our Boy like he was your own brother. Hell he was your brother. We couldn't get the six of you to do anything on your own. It was like you were attached at the hip. We used to call Adrian to come for a small family barbeque and fifteen people would end up showing up. You lost all your brothers. We lost one son, Tia lost one husband. You lost five brothers. AJ and Jase are growing up with love and know that their parents died loving them. It sucks but it is life and we all know it ain't fair."

He was right but it didn't make me feel any better. I went over to the boys, whom I have seen only four times since they were born seven years ago. "Do you want to play with us?" AJ asked me. I joined them in their game trading the DS back and forth with whoever's turn it was, they were not much older than Parker.

After a few rounds Jason asked, "I know my middle name is your name. Why did Mommy want us named after all you guys?"

"Jason you already know. Your mom wrote you all letters before she died." Carol answered him.

"Did Mommy write you any letters?" AJ asked me.

I shook my head and was getting ready to say no when Carol reached into the box and pulled one out, it was still sealed in an envelope. "Yes. She did. She said to give it to you when you were ready to read it."

I looked up shocked, "but why?" I asked but I couldn't get my voice to work so I think it sounded more like a squeak.

"The doctors told her that they did not know if they were going to be able to stop the bleeding so before she agreed to go in for surgery she demanded that we leave her alone with a pad of paper and a handful of envelopes. There was one for Phil and I, one for Tia, Kristin, Terra, Brittany and you. And one for each significant event in the boys lives, their fifth birthday, turning 16, graduating high school, graduating college, getting married, having a baby…she wrote for everything. She told me she did it and said to give the ones to you guys when you were ready. You are the last one I am giving it to. You do not have to open it now, but when you are ready. You open it."

I put the envelop in my inside pocket next to my heart. I spent the rest of the evening with the family I had been too scared to see, to have a real conversation with, it all felt very silly now and I could feel the weight lifting off my shoulders as I apologized to my boys' families. I realized logically that it was not my fault and I cannot blame myself, though I still do, I just realize now that it is part of God's plan and one day it will all make sense to me, until then I have to learn to live with it.