A/N: Once again, voice overs are indicated by V.O.: and are printed in italics. No one hears them but the audience. Stage directions are in parenthesis. Oh, and ALIAS IS NOT MINE. DON'T SUE ME. I'M A POOR HOUSEWIFE.

Episode: Reunion (still)

Scene: At the meeting between Sloane, Sydney, Vaughn, and Lauren. Sloane is on one side of the table. Opposite him are (L-R from Sloane's perspective) Sydney, Vaughn, and Lauren, with Lauren closest to the door. The Dork Triangle is trying to convince Sloane to get them into a party so they can retrieve a doohickey. Basically the set-up is just like it was in the episode.

Sloane: Let me get this straight, Ms. Reed. You want me to commit a crime to help you commit a crime to prevent someone else from committing a crime?

Lauren: Basically, yes. (blinks) I think.

Sloane: Hmm, let me think about it...NO!

Lauren: Aw, come on. Why not?

Sloane: Because I've been giving the CIA way too much help lately, and it's starting to look bad.

Sydney: (raises eyebrow suspiciously) To whom?

Sloane: (smiling deviously, as if he knows something she doesn't) To you, of course. V.O.: Can't have all this cooperation and intelligence making it look like I'm really in charge of the Covenant. Which I SO AM.

(Vaughn and Lauren glance at each other uncomfortably.)

Lauren: You are aware, of course, that I am the one who got you your pardon in the first place, correct?

Sloane: (stares at her lustily) I remember quite well, Ms. Reed.

(Vaughn shoots Sloane a dirty look.)

Lauren: Then you know that I can report your lack of cooperation to the CIA, the NSC, and our president, who won't hesitate to invalidate that pardon. V.O.: Heh heh, I've got you now, snugglecakes.

Sloane: V.O.: I love it when you get fiesty. Then you also know that my pardon agreement specifically states, and I quote: 'I may have to tell you crap, but I don't gotta DO crap for you.' Not to mention the part that says, 'Any illegal activity will result in my immediately being strapped to a table and cut up into small portions so that each country I've terrorized can have a piece of me to piss on, mutilate, scorch, reanimate, and kill all over again.'

Sydney: Who wrote that last clause?

Lauren: (rolling eyes) CIA director.

Sydney: (smiling) Good one.

Sloane: (looking at Sydney) As much as I enjoy making you smile, my dear, I'm afraid in this case I cannot comply with your request. To do so would be disastrous. (turns to look at Lauren) Also, it would be entirely too convenient to you and the CIA, and like I said, that's starting to make me look bad.

Vaughn: Maybe he's chicken.

Sloane: (rolls eyes) Oh please.

Vaughn: (begins flapping elbows) Bwok bwok b-gawk!

Sloane: (narrows eyes at Vaughn) Stop that!

Vaughn: Heeeeeeerrrrrre chicky chicky chicky.

Sloane: Enough!

Vaughn: V.O.: I knew that would work. So you'll help us?

Sloane: No. V.O.: Imbecile.

Sydney: (fed up) V.O.: If you want something done right... Look, Sloane. (begins channeling the personality of Jack Bristow) I'm going to make something very clear to you. You may have some people fooled into thinking you've changed, that you have some sort of benign agenda. I am not one of them. The moment any one of us falls victim to your endgame, I will personally blow your head off. (shakes head, returns to her own personality) As for our request, if you don't do what we've asked, I will do the cha-cha on your nether-region, then sew your toes to your ears and blow-torch your eyelids off, after which I will make several incisions every few centimeters along your disgusting, naked body, then set loose a pack of blood-thirsty rats to consume your flesh and leave droppings on your sorry, rotting carcass.

(Silence. Everyone takes a minute to contemplate and mentally picture everything Sydney just said.)

Sloane: (smiling deviously but proudly) Sydney. Still my sweetheart.

Sydney: (crosses her arms arrogantly, stares levelly at him) Try me.

(Sloane is silent for another moment. Vaughn tries to stare him down, but Sloane won't even acknowledge his presence. Lauren arches one of her E.O.U.S.'s at him (Eyebrows Of Unusual Size). Sloane smiles deviously. AGAIN.)

Sloane: Very well, ladies. V.O.: That includes you, Mr. Vaughn. I'll get two of you in the door. But only as a favor to you, Sydney.

Lauren: Fine. I'll expect your call with details. (begins putting paperwork in her briefcase)

Sloane: (more devious smiling) Mr. Vaughn, I'm sure you're glad Sydney's alive and well. I remember you two were quite close. In fact, I remember she tried to have me killed for your sake. In fact, I remember Mr. Sark's girlfriend Allison video taping the two of you in bed. In fact--

Vaughn: Okay, okay, I get it. Yes, I'm glad she's back, alive, safe, yada yada yada. Let's go already.

(Vaughn and Sydney get up to leave, but have not left the room. Lauren pauses two seconds before getting up to follow.)

Sloane: Nice to see you again, Lauren.

Vaughn: (turns around) What did you say?

Sloane: I said your wife has a nice butt.

Vaughn: (gets crazy look in the eyes) WHAT?! SHE DOES NOT!

Lauren: (turning around angrily) Excuse me?!

(Sloane crosses his arms and smirks.)

Vaughn: I mean, um, she does, but...YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO NOTICE THAT! YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!

Sydney: (touching Vaughn's arm) Vaughn...

Vaughn: (looking at Sydney) HE CAN'T SAY THAT!

Sydney: (pulling Vaughn gently by the arm) Come on, I'll explain his baiting on the way to the hotel. V.O.: Her butt's not THAT impressive. (Vaughn and Sydney exit)

(Sloane gets up to see Lauren to the door.)

Lauren: (looking up at Sloane) Thank you for your cooperation, Arvin. (flirtatiously winks)

Sloane: See you at eight?

Lauren: Better make it ten.

Sloane: Got it.

(Sloane slaps her rear. Lauren smiles devilishly before leaving. Sloane smiles deviously, again, some more. Then he goes over to his office restroom mirror to practice a broader range of deviant smiles. )