It hasn't been easy for me to do this with their mother gone. They don't LISTEN to me as they did Reno, who always seemed to have the easiest of touches with all three of them, but Renji over the years seems to have taken it the hardest. Rina and Rennan, they get it, they understand, and I know they do the best they can to help. Then I hear the music from Renji's room and my own grief, hidden for the past five years, never released, never allowed to come to flower so it could heal, suddenly rises to the surface and my eyes fill.
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house that don't bother me.
I can take a few tears now and then and just ;et 'em out.
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me.
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me.
It was true. What had hurt the most had been all of the words I had locked away inside myself, the ones I had never spoken, even though I knew Reno KNEW, there had been no way for him NOT to know, I had never been able to bring myself to say them, and now I would never have the chance, and it was tearing me apart inside in ways I had never imagined possible. The morning he had left for that mission, the one that had left an entire family devastated, I had come SO close to speaking them. Maybe somewhere, deep inside, I had known, but they had stuck to the roof of my mouth and would not come out.
What hurts the most is being so close
Having so much to say, watching you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been.
Not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do.
I had SLAPPED him that morning, I had been so angry, not wanting him to take that assignment, and though I knew he had no choice, I had felt this dark terror deep inside. I had not wanted to lose him, I loved him entirely too much. He'd gone into work with that bruise on his face, and looking at that mark marring his perfect features when I'd gone to claim his body was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I don't think to this day that the children knew what happened then, and I am not going to tell them. They saw only the deep good bye kiss that we had shared before he walked out the door, those words I had wanted so badly to speak still left unsaid.
Now, my youngest child, little Renji, the one who had always been his mother's favorite, comes out to me and wraps his arms around my shoulders, the seven year old whispering soft words of encouragement to me as he tries to lift me out of the mourning that had been so long in finally coming.
"It'll be ok, Daddy. . .Mommy's watching over us, right? Forever and ever, that was what you said. He wouldn't wanna see you hurting like this. So please, stop crying now."
Delicate, long and slender fingers wipe the tears from my face and I'm suddenly so very grateful to have had Renji take after his mother in more than his bent gender. He's the one that's so like Reno it's like having a ghostly shadow of him living within that young body, so close it HURTS almost but that's ok. I'm more proud of him than I have ever in my life been.
"Yeah, you're right. He wouldn't want that." And as I lifted Renji up into my arms I looked up. "I love you babe, forever. Thank you for what you gave me."