Disclaimer- I don't own the characters, pretty obvious people

A/N- I really hope you laugh your butt off cause I spent a lot of my nonexistent life working on this

Alice POV

I had a great vision at lunch and decided let Edward know what was happening. I shouted his name in my head and told him first, he should suggest that Emmett was a transvestite and that as a girl he was pregnant. That would really ruin his manly persona. Second, I suggested that we should have a little fight in the gym because both emo and gangster kids are thought to be violent and hate each other to help enlist the support of Rosalie in our grand scheme of revenge (that I promptly informed him of) against the irritable grizzly, Emmett, who evilly massacred our sanctified identities. I hoped she would be so grateful for the distraction of attention that she would gladly join our cause. If not that, at least out of obligation.

Jasper would help out of pure adoration for me. Edward would be glad to get Emmett just to defend Bella's honor. Bella would of course do anything Edward proposed, but Rosalie however still harbored feelings of affection for the malevolent tyrant of this repulsive antagonism of a rivalry. Hopefully her debt to us from saving her would increase her feelings of liking towards us enough to sway her position on this crucial matter.

We timed it so perfectly that it looked coincidental in occurrence but still obtained everyone's firm attention. Edward looked at me and I knew it was on.

"How dare you even insinuate I cause self-inflicting harm to myself? Where's your proof?" I issued the challenge.

"Right fucking hizzle whore." Edward promptly rebuttaled with the emo kid song from .

"Dear Diary:

Mood: Apathetic.

My life is spiraling downward.
I couldn't get enough money to go to the
Blood Red Romance and Suffocate me dry concert.
It sucks 'cause they play some of my favorite songs
like "Stab My Heart Because I Love You" and
"Rip Apart My Soul" and of course,
"Stabby Rip Stab Stab".
And it doesn't help that I couldn't
get my hair to do that flippy thing.
Like that guy from that band can do.
Some days you know...

'I'm an emo kid, non-conforming as can be
You'd be non-conforming too if
you looked just like me
I have paint on my nails and make-up on my face
I'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs
'Cause I feel real deep when I'm dressing in drag
I call it freedom of expression,
most just call me a fag
'Cause our dudes look like chicks,
and our chicks look like dykes
'Cause emo is one step below transvestite!

Stop my breathing and slit my throat
I must be emo
I don't jump around when I go to shows
I must be emo

I'm dark, and sensitive with low self-esteem
The way I dress makes every day feel like Halloween
I have no real problems but I like to make believe
I stole my sister's mascara now
I'm grounded for a week.
Sulking and writing poetry are my hobbies
I can't get through a Hawthorne
Heights album without sobbing
Girls keep breaking up with me,
it's never any fun.
Find more Lyrics at /bh
They say they already have a pussy,
they don't need another one

Stop my breathing and slit my throat
I must be emo
I don't jump around when I go to shows
I must be emo
Dye in my hair and polish on my toes
I must be emo
I play guitar and write suicide notes
I must be emo

My life is just a black abyss,
you know, it's so dark.
And it's suffocating me.
Grabbing hold of me and tightening it's grip,
tighter than a pair of
my little sister's jeans...
which look great on me by the way.

When I get depressed I cut my
wrists in every direction
Hearing songs about getting
dumped give me an erection
I write in a live journal and
wear thick rimmed glasses
I tell my friends I bleed black
and cry during classes
I'm just a bad, cheap, imitation of goth,
You can read me "Catcher in the
Rye", and watch me jack off.
I wear skin tight clothes while hating my life
If I said I like girls, I'd only be half right!

I look like I'm dead and dress like a homo
I must be emo
Screw XBox, I play old school Nintendo
I must be emo
I like to whine and hate my parentals
I must be emo
Me and my friends all look like clones
I must be emo

My parents just don't get me, you know.
They think I'm gay just because
they saw me kiss a guy.
Well, a couple guys. But I mean, it's the 2000's.
Can't 2 ... or 4 dudes make-out with
each other without being gay?
I mean, chicks dig that kind of thing anyways.
I don't know diary,
sometimes I think you're the only one that gets me,
you're my best friend...
I feel like tacos!"

"That's just a stupid video idiot kids made up when they were bored out of their gourds." I refuted.

"Damn, izzle that so?" Edward ridiculed.

"Actually it is." I glared.

"Then what the fuck do you do with razors you sizzle of a fizzle ass?" He inquired presenting a razorblade, the edges sanded down so no one would get hurt.

"Give it to me and I'll show you." I posed raising an eyebrow.

"Hizzle it is." Edward smirked.

Suddenly the adults supposed to be in charge of the school got it into their heads that this wasn't a Girl Scout selling cookies situation. They separated us and confiscated the razorblade.

We slipped away before they saw who it was though. Our secret identities were still safely concealed.

Rosalie POV

I slipped away while everyone was still distracted, knowing that otherwise my oddity would come into question and I wouldn't be permitted to leave without a throng of people converging on me. Thank the supernatural creatures that looked over me it was so interesting to those pathetic humans when people sang ridiculous songs and where so stereotypical, not that we weren't completely taking full advantage of that fact, but they brought it upon themselves by thinking everyone who looked alike was the same inside.

I went on to my next class and noticed something was up when I noticed the unusually large grins plastered on four of my current and future siblings.

"What astonishing occasion is occurring?" I posed, cocking my head to the side with one eyebrow raised.

"Well you see…" started Jasper.

"We were ummm… just like wondering…"continued Bella.

"If yizzle would fucking consider, maybe…" persisted Edward.

"What our eloquent family is trying to say is that we would greatly appreciate it if you would help us complete a simple task. Consider it a thank-you for saving your butt from the evil ghastly direly corrupt ruthless shameless delinquent trying to ruin your life." Alice grinned, her eyes sparkling with intended mischief.

"Converse about it at a later time." I whispered noting the teacher's gaze on us.

After class they all cornered me at my locker.

"So, will you do it?" Alice excitedly invited.

"What is it?" I pleaded.

"Calm down!" Jasper shrieked while bouncing up and down like a rubber chicken egg, grinning manically.

"Well…?" I inquired.

"Alice came up with like this smart umm… plan thingy. We should umm… like, you know, pass out pictures of "Emmett" with like your umm… body in a like bikini and his head like thingy. We should like then get those umm… silhouette mud flaps with like that same umm… like picture on like it. Oh, and we already like told umm… everybody Emmett is like a transvestite and was umm… pregnant and is on like steroids." Bella blushed. So that was their evil genius plan. It could use some improvements but overall it was acceptable.

"On one condition. I get to edit in some of my own plans. That competition is worth a lot more revenge points. I say replace his cologne and air freshener with skunk scent. And I'm sure his jeep needs some remodeling. I think I heard a clunking sound in his trunk." I chuckled manically.

"Are you going to kidnap Emmett and hold him hostage?" Jasper demanded.

"That's a great idea!" I squealed. "We can pretend to be the spirits of our cars and make him beg for his life, record it and put the tape on the announcements!"

"Wow! You're like really umm… evil geniusy and like stuff." Bella stepped back stunned.

I flashed her a grin and declared, "Emmett will rue the day she threatened my baby BMW!"

We all headed to our next classes. The rest of the day was uneventful other then Emmett asking Mr. Greene to marry him and Alice scaring a kid so bad he wet his football pants and me breaking my glasses and wandering around "blindly" and Jasper gluing glitter on the windows claiming "It will make everything so much sunnier though!" and Bella sitting on Tyler's lap and… well, you get it.

Edward POV

After the final bell rang I rushed to Bella and swept her up off her feet and started running home.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Edward!" she shrieked.

"Got her screaming your name already?" Emmett winked.

I quickly punched him and sped up so he couldn't catch me. Not that he would try with Bella in my arms. He knows what I would do if anything happened to her.

To my surprise my arms were soon feather light and I fell only to see Bella swept up by Emmett's gargantuan arms. He swiftly took to the woods.

Bella POV

I was stunned as Emmett snatched me from Edward's loving embrace.

"Emmett what do you think you're doing?" I challenged.

"Just taking my wonderful sister-in-law on a brisk stroll." He replied.

"Edward save me! An evil grimy steroid addicted giant has kidnapped me and plans to take me home to his mucky soiled encrusted grubby gritty castle to eat me!" I hollered.

"I would never eat such a sweet smelling person as you. You're my new air freshener silly." Emmett tightened his grip on me, trying to hug me.

I tried a different tactic.

"Rosalie! Your brute of a drunken groping husband has made unwanted advantages on me and I'm scared what he will try and do next. No! Don't touch me there! Help!" I squealed.

Emmett cowered but still continued on our wild rampage through the fragile forest gripping me closer.

Rosalie just laughed.

I tried again. "Dear Sir Jasper. Please save this fair maiden from the grasps of the brutal stinky bee-infested dragon! Would chivalry exist if you refused my plea?

"Alas fair maiden I am but an old gnome with twigs for bones! Even if the codes of chivalry hadn't been dissolved yesterday I still couldn't be of service." He giggled still hyped up on the sugar Alice made him inhale for a more realistic performance.

"You are my last chance all-powerful all-seeing Alice! Will you turn your gaze onto this insignificant organism that begs for your renowned mercy and fashion sense to help! I'll let you dress Edward up! As much as you want, I promise! Just save me! Makeup included!" I beseeched.

"However tempting the offer I have to respectively decline. You see, a little while before you came along I had to sign a blood oath promising never to give a makeover to Edward unless he came begging on his knees pleading forgiveness." Alice sighed.

"Charlie?" I offered.

"That would be awkward."

"Emmett?" At this Emmett tickled my sides until my ribs cracked from laughing.

"If you can make him." Alice responded.

"Emmy darling, you know you're my favoritist biggest manliest strongest brother ever right? Would you kindly submit the Alice's every whim so I can get free from your arms?" I pleaded with puppy dog eyes. Surprisingly enough it didn't work. I was shell-shocked.

"But Emmy!" I whined. "I would do anything for you! Besides, you'd look really pretty."

He laughed at my pain. He then took me into the house and started gong into everyone's rooms and pulling clothes out and stuffing them on me. Emmett started running around in dizzying circles all over the house. He then took me to the attic and hid us among the piles of stuff.

"Does Esme know it's this messy in here?" I asked

"Shh. I doubt it." Emmett whispered.

I pointlessly tried to get out of his grasp.

"Be quiet. I want to freak out Edward." He whispered clutching me closer trying to muffle the noise.

I figured that I would do what Emmett asked as an apology for what I was going to do later.

The clothes he put on me were really comfortable and warm so I slowly drifted off to sleep.

A/N- I really do have an idea for where this is going so enjoy