Disclaimer- For once, I do not own.

A/N- We thought we'd let you all know that we are aware that Emmett is not this stupid. But we, however, are which is why we made this story.

Edward POV

Emmett rushed off and I didn't dare get Bella lest she get hurt. My heart wrenched out of my chest when she called out to me for help, but I couldn't help giggling as I heard his response. Bella only be an air freshener, I laugh.

She then pleaded with my siblings her cries getting more hilarious by the second. Her descriptions of Emmett were quite amusing as well. He is evidently an evil, grimy, steroid addicted giant as well as drunken groping husband and brutal bee-infested dragon.

I was shocked to hear that she would be willing to put me up for an Alice Makeover Extravaganza. Then Charlie! He should be notified of her betrayal! Finally Emmett himself was put up as bargaining bait. Bella was practically batting her eyelashes to get him to go through the torture. She looked genuinely hurt when he refused.

Out of nowhere Emmett barreled off into the house. His thoughts were getting into extremely dirty images of him and Rosalie so I knew something not normal was up.

"Rosalie, do you know what's going on in Emmett's head right now? It's like he wants to shout his most intimate moments to the world." I alerted her.

Her eyes flared dangerously. "Don't worry he won't be getting any more inspiration for them any time soon."

I laughed then concentrated on the situation at hand. I smelled the air. It was perfumed of Bella all the way to the house. Her scent was all over. It then started getting muddled and going around in circles. I couldn't find a clear trail, so I decided to leave it to another sense.

Listening as hard as ever before, my senses strained to pick up a trace of movement. I thought the faint palpitate of a heart was heard above my head. I vaulted up the stairs and started on the second floor. Search as I might she couldn't be found.

"Emmett! I vow with all my essence I will hack you to microscopic tidbits and reduce you to ashes then throw the flakes into a boiling pot of tar if you return my Bella with even one minuscule abrasion on her!" I snarled. My rage seeped into the innermost pores of my body and charged me blindly onward. I crashed through the house tearing everything until I sniffed the air. For some reason it smelled like Alice , Jasper, Emmett, Carlisle , Esme, Rosalie, and myself were all in the attic.

He was trying to mask her scent! Two could play at that game. I took my clothes and gestured for the remaining members of my family to put them on and sneak into the attic from different directions.

Emmett POV

Bella started murmuring in her sleep. Edward was right; it is amusing. Evidently I was a pigheaded ugly baby gorilla raper. Hmmm… I wonder if she really does like chicken dipped in salty piná coladas and soy sauce and fried with grape soda. I think even for a human that is considered disgusting.

Thump! The floor shook as someone landed ninja style on the opposite side of the attic. Edward had arrived.

I huddled in my corner waiting for the wrath that was sure to occur. My senses were extra alert as I tensed up preparing for the confrontation. I knew I was relatively safe as long as I kept Bella in my arms at all times, but Edward was ridiculously unreasonable and absurd when it came to Bella and her safety. It's not like I would actually hurt the fragile little thing, she causes too much great fun.

I then heard dainty ballerina footsteps on top of the roof. I guess Alice was helping too, I don't know why though; she got as much fun out of it as I did. Not only did she get to dress Bella up, she got to pick out a whole new wardrobe herself. Alice is just weird that way though, she's never satisfied with my ideas of fun, and she has to go beyond.

Funny thing though, she smelled just like Edward. I heard more noises stalking and closing in on me. They all smelled like Eddy!

Alice POV

I crouched, ninja style on the other side of the attic and sent Jasper up on the roof. Edward had notified Carlisle and Esme of our new game and invited them to join in. They accepted eagerly, bored with the monotony of normal life. We all circled, closing in on our helpless prey and his victim.

"No! Tell me it isn't so!" Emmett cried out. "Edward, you've cloned yourself haven't you? I thought I warned you about the dangers! Now there are even more vampires trying to eat Bella!"

Emmett POV

I was sure I had talked him out of it! Oh poor, poor deluded little vampire. He cloned himself just because Bella was in danger, putting her in even more danger, with the odds of him slipping up growing by 6! I must save him from himself by destroying his extra hims! But which one was actually the original? I'm sorry I have to this, but all of you must go!

I gallantly raised my self into my heroic battle stance (perfected by practicing daily in front of my mirror, my favorite hobby). I just had an epiphany, I think if I ever get bored and want a job I should become a model! It's perfect. Now what am I doing again? Oh yes, I forgot, fighting to the death with Edward's clones. Onward!

They closed in! I was outnumbered 6 to 1 with an extra liability of 1(Bella's new nickname, cute, I know, right?). I gracefully danced forward prepared to engage my, as of yet, still invisible opponent in vicious battle.

Jasper POV

I can't believe Emmett came up with that! Clones of all things! I'm going to have to make him cut down on his Star Wars viewing for a little while.

I carried out Commander Alice's orders as I daintily skipped across the roof. Emmett was emanating emotions of sincerity and bravado. I really had to roll my eyes at his thinking processes. I felt Edward's flicker of amusement and made a note to ask him about it later. Battle formulas were busy strategizing in my mind as we closed in.

I think secrecy was one of our top advantages. As long as he was confused we had the upper hand. If we had more time I would suggest not only smelling like Edward but dressing up as him as well. I really hate spontaneity in times like this. Planning is always more satisfying. "Edward!" I called out in my mind. "I say we all distract him while you slip behind him and take Bella out the window." I sensed his agreement and jumped into the attic.

Alice went behind the stuff piled high and began rummaging for something. I glanced at her speculatively but she just grinned. She pulled out an old baby toy and mouthed "He spent a whole week playing with this one time."

I trusted her judgment and watched as she slid it across the floor. It skidded to a stop at his feet. Emmett looked down at it his eyes filled with childlike wonder and amazement.

"The whack-a-mole game! I wondered where this went!" he exclaimed. He greedily grabbed the rubber mallet and started hitting it as if in a trance. The rest of us all slowly piled in the attic except for Edward who crept outside the window behind Emmy-bear. We all crept closer as he ignored all of us intent on his game.

Suddenly the unimaginable happened… he hit it a little too hard, and it tragically broke. Emmett fell to his knees raised his arms to the sky and cried "Nooooooooooooooo! My baby, my friend, how can you abandon me like this?"

His eyes glazed over and with a maniac abandon, grabbed the mallet and started hitting the floor around him. "Mole! Mole! I know you're here! I hit you, I do!"

Edward crept up behind him and gathered Bella in his arms. The love radiating from him was sickeningly sweet. I subconsciously gagged. The moment of tragedy occurred, Emmy wheeled around and pounded Edward on the head with a loud whoop of "I hit a mole!"

Edward was hit so thoroughly hard he was embedded into a hole in the attic floor created by his own body being compacted into it.

Rosalie leapt forward in slow motion to contain him. He wheeled back around and brought the mallet down upon her head. It continued it's downward path tearing her newly obtained silk shirt and her freshly embroidered jeans.

"EMMETT MCCARTHY CULLEN! You are in GARGANTUAN trouble mister! Drop the rubber WMD (weapon of mass destruction) and set your butt down in the emo corner."

I was frightened of the fierceness of her emotions. I'm pretty sure she would have killed someone if I hadn't sent waves of calm. Rosalie whipped around in my direction and gave me the evil eye. I made the waves stronger.

She finally looked semi calm. "Emmett." She said through clenched teeth. "Go there now."

He quickly raced off and left the destruction behind. Edward was still stuck in the floor with a shocked expression still plastered on his frozen face. Bella somehow remained asleep through it all.

A/N- I hope you enjoyed it at least a little bit.