Chapter Seven: Carrying On

When he rolled out of the bed the next morning that the behest of his alarm clock he realized that he didn't want to head to work. He couldn't stand the idea of going to the office just to see Danny's picture up on the white board knowing that there was nothing he could do to help his friend, his lover. He sat on the side of his bed, his elbows resting on his legs, his hands clasped. He felt like screaming, like crying out but where would that get him? Nowhere, so he kept the urge locked inside. Instead he reached for the bottle of pain medication on the nightstand. There was already a noticeable drop in the count since he'd taken the bottle out of hiding yesterday. The pills weren't the answer he was looking for but it gave him something. Something that he couldn't quite put his finger on but he needed their numbing power, their ability to help him forget for a little while just how much his heart ached. He knew, of course, that the drugs couldn't really numb the pain of his heartache but it was a nice theory so he was fine with it, happy to let it slide, happy to accept the lie.

As he sat there in the gloomy room, the sun having not yet risen above the horizon, he tried to imagine what it would be like if Danny never got found. How would he carry on without the man that meant the world to him? Looking back over his shoulder he tried to imagine if he would be able to get used to sleeping alone again. For months not a night had gone by in which they did not sleep side-by-side in this very bed. It was hard to fall into at night and even harder to get out of in the morning without the promise of his lover. He closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh of anxiety. There had to be something he could do, someway that he could speed up the investigation without pissing off the kidnappers.

He stood, shuffling toward the bathroom door in the inky blackness. There had to be a solution to the problem. There was always a solution; the trouble came in finding it. He flicked on the light, blinking rapidly as his eyes adjusted to the sudden light. Then he leaned against the counter and stared at himself in the mirror. Already there were dark circles under his eyes; he looked pitiful and things were only going to get worse the longer he had to go without. There was a part of him that said fuck the kidnappers. Jack and the team were good at what they did. If they really put their minds to it they could probably find Danny before the sun set that day. But even as he turned on the shower he knew that he wasn't going to say anything to them. He didn't want to take the risk. What if they got there too late? He would never forgive himself.

Stepping under the stream of water he realized that he was going to have to carry on, act like Danny didn't exist to begin with. He was going to have to do his job without letting the others know just how affected he was by the kidnapping of the lawyer. As far as they knew he was a straight man with a girlfriend somewhere. That's what his friends thought of him. Maybe because he'd dated Sam for a brief period of time. That relationship had ended a month before he met Danny, a month before his life changed for the better. Not to say that Sam wasn't anything to him because she was and he'd always value her friendship. But when it came to love, Danny was the one the held the key to his heart.

He could feel the tears trying to break free of his eyes so he let them fall. In the shower they quickly disappeared in the streams of hot water. Water that he decided wasn't hot enough. He turned it up, his skin turning red under the now steaming water. He wished that the force of the water, that the sheer heat of it was enough to melt away the very essence of his soul, to remove him from the world. But it couldn't, it wouldn't and he was left standing in the middle of his bathroom dripping wet. A sudden urge came over him, brought on by the anger boiling deep inside, and he struck out. The room filled with the sound of shattering glass as the mirror fell into shards, little sparkling diamonds covering the counter and spilling onto the floor. He didn't care. He ignored the mess, walking back into his bedroom.

The mirror would serve as a reminder of how he felt.

Shattered.

--

Somehow he managed to get to work. In the ride up in the elevator he tried to think of how to spend his day. He needed to do his work without interfering in the investigation but also keep his friends from asking him what was wrong. He wasn't going to play games anymore. He wouldn't stop them or redirect them. He was just going to sit by and let the case flow wherever it wanted to go. He figured he could tell Jack that he'd had a lousy night and that he'd rather just be their connection in the office. It's not like things hadn't been done that way before.

As though the universe agreed with him, when the doors of the elevator opened on his floor he found Jack waiting. He tired to smile at his boss but even he knew that it didn't come across right. "Morning, Jack."

"You okay, Martin?" his superior asked. "Did you get enough sleep last night?"

Martin massaged the back of his neck somewhat nervously. It was like Jack had been reading his mind. "It was rough…"

"How about you stay in the office today?" he suggested. "I can work alone and the girls are already out on a lead. We need someone here to run background checks and handle any calls. Think you can handle it without falling asleep at your desk?"

"Yeah," Martin said, a tad unnerved.

Jack clapped him on the shoulder as he headed toward the elevator. "Good. We're going to find this guy."

Martin remained where he was standing until the elevator doors closed and his boss was gone. He turned to head toward his desk, freaked out by the fact that his boss had read his mind. He knew that it was just the simple fact that Jack was good at noticing things but it still bothered him. A minute later he fell into the chair behind his desk. When he swiveled around he spotted the picture of Danny on the white board. All he could think about were those beautiful brown eyes…