Yay, I'm getting some readers!
Ganondorf: But don't you find these author notes pretty pointless?
Cir: Very. But here's the story!
They hopped over the gates as the exited Lake Hylia. 'Note, get some random soldier to destroy those gates, I'm too lazy,' Ganondorf mentally noted.
Kae Gae flew into a tree up ahead. "Come on already!" he yelled. "I don't have all day!"
"I thought you were on vacation?" Ganondorf asked.
"Well, I can still do stuff!" Kae Gae replied.
Moe jumped over the fence. "Can we hurry up already?" he asked.
Ganondorf mumbled something and continued. As they went, a Peahat jumped up and attacked. Ganondorf blasted it was a ball of lightning, and it fell. Right on top of him to be exact.
About twenty minutes later, Ganondorf regained his senses and crawled out, but saw Moe and Kae Gae far ahead of him. "Get back here!" he yelled, running after them.
By nightfall, they were at the bridge in Gerudo Valley. Kae Gae flew across, not wanting to disrupt his amusement, and Ganondorf ripped off the plank of wood that let's you climb up the large cliff without effort.
"What are you doing?" Moe asked as Ganondorf laid it down in between the gap. When Moe saw this, he backed up. "You do realise that won't hold your weight?"
"Not unless I wear these!" Ganondorf said, taking out two cinderblocks which he tied to his feet.
He turned around to look at Moe, who wasn't there. Ganondorf turned around again to see Moe just finish crossing the plank, rather fast actually.
Ganondorf dragged his feet to the plank. Moe covered his eye, and Kae Gae looked forward in anticipation.
Ganondorf took his first few steps, and, surprisingly, the plank didn't even shutter! He sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowly crossed the plank without even splintering it.
"Ta da!" Ganondorf said, taking a bow. The second he finished, the plank crashed into millions of pieces and fell into the canyon.
All three of them looked down. "I still wonder why they call this a valley," Moe muttered.
They restocked up on supplies in the Gerudo's fortress. Ganondorf got new matches, but refused to give up his wet, dirty and expired marshmallows.
"If you eat those…" a Gerudo began.
"I don't want to hear it!" Ganondorf said, putting his hand up. "They are a delicacy and no less, whether wet, dirty, expired or used to blow my nose on."
"By the way, we have some prisoners," a Gerudo said, motioning to four carpenters that were in shackles. "What should we do? Some say to imprison them, and some say the throw them into the Haunted Wasteland. We need you to decide."
"Let me discuss it with my council," Ganondorf said officially, bringing Moe and Kae Gae into another room.
"Throw them in the wasteland!" Moe said anxiously.
"Yes, I agree," Kae Gae said.
"It is up to me," Ganondorf said, turning his back on them. However, they could clearly see a coin fly up, which they knew he caught and put it on the back of his other hand. "Tail- I mean… I have chosen imprisonment!"
"Isn't it two on one?" Kae Gae asked.
"Yes, well… my vote counts as five!" Ganondorf said quickly.
"Then what's the point of calling us your council if you pretty much decide everything?" Moe asked dully.
"It makes me seem more like an official ruler! G. Council, away!" Ganondorf exclaimed. He ran to the door, opened and slammed it behind him. However, Kae Gae and Moe saw his cape get caught in it, heard a choking noise which was quickly followed by a thud.
Two Gerudos were watching this. "Remind me when our ruler became an idiot?" one asked the other.
"I think it was when he was so drunk, that some of his brain fluids became beer," the other stated.
After a night's rest, in which Ganondorf trashed his room as a prank (little did he know it was literally his own room that still had most of his stuff), they set off for the Haunted Wasteland to visit Ganondorf's surrogate mothers.
After the first minute, Kae Gae was forced to walk due to the wind. After the second minute, Ganondorf entered a little ditch that he began sinking in.
"Grab Kae Gae's talon!" Moe said as Kae Gae stuck his leg out.
"No need, I'll pull my feet out with the rest of my legs," Ganondorf said, sticking his legs in. And I'll pull them out with my arms." He stuck his arms in the sand so that only his head was above. "And I'll pull my arms out with the only part of me left, my face." He dunked his face in so that Ganondorf's entire body was under.
-A minute later-
Ganondorf was brushing the sand off himself. "I can't believe that actually worked," Moe said.
"You wouldn't believe how many crazy things can work," Ganondorf said.
Kae Gae took out his checklist and checked off "Evil king pulling himself out of sand trap with face" with his ink talon. "Not too many things left now," Kae Gae said.
They wondered around for a few more hours. "Is it day or night?" Moe asked.
"I can't tell in this storm!" Ganondorf said. "Now according to this map, we need to take a left here," Ganondorf said, turning left. "Now a straight, then another left, a right, and we're here!" He looked up to see himself still nothing into the desert.
Kae Gae snatched the map and held it down on the ground with his foot. "This is a map of the Lost Woods!" Kae Gae said angrily. "Now we're lost in the middle of a desert!"
"Is someone there?" they heard a voice ask. The G Council ran in the direction of the voice to find a man sitting on a flying carpet with a basket beside him. There seemed to be less sand flying around there.
"Ah, you're my first customers since I first opened up a while back!" the person said. "How's that guy with the accordion in the market?"
"He died 82 years ago," Kae Gae said.
"Oh, well how would you like to buy some merchandise? They're called Bombchus. But I don't know how much to sell them for…"
"Bombchus, eh?" Ganondorf asked. "Sound useful. I'll buy some for 200 rupees!"
"Sold!"
"Now, do you know where the nearest civilization is?" Moe asked.
"Oh, of course!" He pointed to his right. "The Gerudo's Fortress is less then a minute if you go straight that way!"
All three of them stared at him, and then at the way he pointed, then at each other. "This is going to take so long," Moe muttered.
"I know, I feel like going to Lake Hylia Beach," Kae Gae said.
"But I need my council to help me make decisions!" Ganondorf moaned, but they merely looked at him blankly. "I'll pay you ten rupees each if you stay longer…"
"Twenty rupees," Moe demanded.
"Fifteen!"
"Seventeen!" Kae Gae popped in.
"Sixteen!"
"Twenty!"
"Twenty-five!" Ganondorf said. "And that's my final offer!"
"Deal!" both the others said at once.
He threw some to each of them and they continued. After getting hopelessly lost, they decided to take a break. Ganondorf was trying to light a fire, but whenever he got a spark it was smothered by the sand.
"I keep telling you: that won't work!" Moe said. "You can't light a fire in a sandstorm!"
"And I keep telling you I'll prove you wrong!" Ganondorf snapped.
"And I keep telling you that you won't win!"
"And I keep telling you to shut up or you're fired!"
"If you fire me then you'll only have Kae Gae as a council member and he's useless," Moe said.
"Hey!" Kae Gae yelled. "Shut up-" He paused. "You know, I don't even know your name yet!"
Even while the two were fighting, Ganondorf was still trying to light the fire, and was running low on matches.
"I give up!" he finally said.
"You owe me fifty rupees!" Moe shot at him. "So- NO!"
Ganondorf had chucked the matches into the wind and they were all blown away. Moe roared out and began bashing his head on a brick wall for a few minutes.
"Well now we have no matches," Kae Gae said dully. "Wait, why's there a brick wall there?"
Moe stopped smashing his now concussioned head and looked at it. "I'm not sure," he said. "In fact, I'm not too sure about anything, and feel like passing out." He fell over.
Ganondorf began feeling along the wall, and eventually found an opening. "Let's go and-"
He fell down a hole that was about six stories deep and landed flat on his face.
"Looks like I'm the only sensable one here," Kae Gae said before picking Moe up in his talons and throwing him down the hole. Moe had been waking up, but didn't after smashing his face on the ground.
They won't be in the desert much longer, only until the next chapter.
KG: Finally! No more sand in my feathers!
Well, time for the last desert chapter.