Published October 19, 2008

Ganondorf laid the battle plans on the table. "We'll start by launching soldiers with catapults at the windows and roof. They will then lower the bridge so I can enter and kick ass. Any questions?"

Many of the ReDeads raised their hands.

"Any that don't involve asking why we're meeting in Dodongo's Tavern?"

They lowered their hands.

"Who exactly will be launched?" Moe asked from the side.

"Everyone except me," Ganondorf told him. "The first few will be to gain a trajectory, as they will most likely plummet into the lava and horrifically die. Any volunteers?" No one said anything, mostly due to the lack of being able to speak standard English. The Stalfos didn't even have vocal cords. "No need to be so eager…" Ganondorf muttered, unimpressed.

"Didn't you design any alternate entrances when making your own castle which we're trying to take over?" Moe asked Ganon, who thought for a moment.

"I didn't design a single brick, I stole it all from some nut running around Hyrule Field," he said. "I'll send in a few Wallmasters to check. YOU!" He pointed at a Wallmaster drinking some liquor. "Go check!"

"I dunt hava lissen ta yur nunsense!" It jumped into the pit of lava in the middle.

"Alrighty, good to know. Is anyone here not wasted?"

Moe and a Dinofol weren't, so Ganondorf sent them to check. They walked outside. "I can't believe that Ganondorf is infiltrating his own castle," Moe said.

"He hassss to, Al took it over," the Dinofol hissed. "By the way, I kind of lied to Ganondorf. I'm blind drunk."

"Pleasant."

They reached Castle Town and looked up at the fortress floating above the lava from which loud rock music could be heard. "Here we go…"

-18 hours later-

Moe and the Dinofol trudged into Dodongo's Tavern, each with incredible painful wounds and various weapons sticking out of them. "What just happened?" Ganondorf questioned.

"We couldn't find anything after an hour and decided to come back," Moe said, his larval form sitting on a stool. "On the way back, a few caravans of circus freaks abducted us and tried to put me as a show in their Banana Festival, sacrificing me to the Banana Goddess Pipuvava."

"I had to follow thosssse asssssholes all the way to Holodrum and infiltrate their masssssive casssstle," the Dinofol explained. "Moe was in the cooking area being held in a cage made of sssswordssss, sssso I beat the cook with a large candle and resssscued him."

"But then-"

"I didn't ask for your life story," Ganondorf interrupted, walking off. "I managed to get a volunteer to test my accuracy. Well, more like bound and gagged them."

"PLS FRE ME!" Kae Gae yelled, muffled.

"Stop biting my gag." Ganondorf smacked him before tossing him over his shoulder. "Come on people, time to get my castle back!"

-Later-

Ganondorf unloaded Kae Gae into a catapult. "As the testing shot, I'll give a half assed attempt at aiming then be done with it," he explained. "FOUR!" He grabbed the lever.

"THREE!" Al yelled from within. Ganon ignored him and pulled. One of Kae Gae's strings was caught and pulled loose, allowing him to free his wings and take flight. The velocity hit him into the side of the castle regardless.

"Alright, after doing some more calculations this should go right in," He turned the catapult to the left a few centimetres and grabbed a ReDead, putting it in.

"Neuuuuuuurve!" it moaned in indignation. Ganondorf merely grinned and pulled the lever, sending it flying. It entered directly through a window. He repeated this with his whole army until it was him and the Dinofol.

"So we wait out here?" it asked.

"I wait out here, you go in there." He launched it too. "Now for the wait." He leaned against a rock.

-Later still-

"Still waiting…"

-Even later-

"WHAT'S TAKING THEM?!"

Kae Gae flew over and responded. "ReDeads are slower than you in Brawl," he commented.

"You're funny."

The Dinofol walked out the entrance of the hovering castle, standing in the doorway. "There'ssss no bridge!" he yelled.

Ganondorf rolled his eyes. "Do I have to do everything by myself?!" He raised a hand, there was a flash of light, and a bridge now existed. "Happy?" The Dinofol stared for a moment before turning to the side and smashing his face off the wall.

"You have done your duties," Ganondorf said. "Now it is my turn to reclaim my prize!"

"Why are you grabbing my leg and pulling me into the castle too?" Kae Gae asked, trying to resist.

"I may need someone to document my triumph," Ganondorf explained. "MOE! Um… DINOFOL! You come too."

"Moe'ssss not here, you launched him onto the roof," the Dinofol said.

"Mission One: Find Moe. Mission Two: Set trap to capture Al. Mission Three: Kick Al's ass." The three antiheros entered the castle, preparing to find Moe. "Now I never actually went in here, so everything is as new for me as it is for you."

"Joyous," Kae Gae said.

The Dinofol sniffed the air. "I ssssmell ssssomething. I think it issss Moe."

"How can you be certain, there's like 200 others in here," Kae Gae said. The Dinofol hissed at him, drool falling from its mouth. "I think you should get that checked out."

"I'm alwayssss right, alwaysssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…"

"Baron Francisco Von Gurflakenschlimer always thought he was right, now his head's on a pike on top of Death Mountain."

"Who the hell issss that?"

"A monarch from 672 years ago, born 598 years ago. He was an asshole to everyone and is known for trying to make the entire kingdom make him a giant pie make of Octori. He also ate all the tax money. Eventually they revolted he went into hiding in a cave somewhere. After 12 years of absolute solitude they found him living of the remaining nutrients in his own feces and beat him to death with a Hylian trout. His pancreas was converted to a type of liquor and his head was stuck on a pike on Death Mountain."

"That ssssoundssss like pointlesssss information," the Dinofol hissed.

"I was made fun of a lot for it."

The group continued with the Dinofol leading like a dog, bringing them all around the castle. They followed him up a staircase, through a dining room, up a chimney, off the roof onto a balcony, through Al's room, passed Al, down a toilet pipe, through the kitchen, up another staircase, down the same staircase, outside, into the market, back into the castle, and into the room to the left of the entrance hallway to find Moe. "Yo."

"I found him without asssssisssstance, you owe me money biatch," the Dinofol said to Kae Gae. The owl handed him 6 rupees. "Thesssse are going sssstraight to the sssstockssss!"

"Phase one to three are completed," Ganondorf announced. "We have infiltrated the castle, the council is reunited, and I stole the Dinofol's 6 rupees. Time to move on to stage four!"

"What's stage four?" Moe asked him.

"The Dinofol was supposed to make it."

"Huh? Well… um… let'ssss find Al and kick hissss asssss?" he said in a questioning tone. Ganon administered his seal of approval, an event that was rather painful for the Dinofol.

"I feel violated."

"It's temporary, now let's continue on."

TIME PASSED: 5 months, 8 days. Ganondorf took a long break.