The Akatsuki's Kill

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but I do own the bean bag chair mentioned in this chapter.

A/N: In the words of Bender, I'm back, baby! And since a lot of you have asked that the Akatsuki do our least-favorite ninja in, here it is! Isn't popular demand a beautiful thing? Lol! And if you have never watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show, you have to watch it at least once, it's such an acid trip. And you'll get some of the jokes.

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It was a lazy day in the den of the Akatsuki's not-so-secret hideout. With the exception of Itachi, the members of the Akatsuki were sprawled out over the room and the old furniture that they had previously salvaged from sidewalks on garbage days (They had to fight a hoard of bums for the couch). Among the acquired tables and chairs, they had managed to save the greatest treasure of all; a black leather bean bag chair that was held together with duct tape (like everything else was) to keep the little beads from falling out and making a mess all over the floor. The bean bag was one of Pein's most prized possessions and he frequently made good use of it as he landed his leaderly ass in it whenever he could.

Today was a good example of that as he flipped through the channels on their stolen cable of their near-death television set which was bought at a flea market for a quarter. Eventually, he stopped flipping (due to Konan's constant nagging) and put the Rocky Horror Picture Show DVD in the player for the up-teenth time that day, ignoring Deidara's howls of protest.

"No, please! Not this again, un!" he cried.

"Why not, Frankenfurter-sempai?" Tobi asked.

Deidara picked up a lamp that was missing its shade, screamed bloody murder, and ran after Tobi in an attempt to bash his mask-donned head in. "That's why, you little bastard!"

"You know, if you didn't look like a girl, you wouldn't have this problem," Kisame pointed out.

"Hey, this hair is like, my baby, un!" he exclaimed, still chasing after Tobi.

"Whatever," Hidan said. "I'm sexier than you, though."

Deidara stopped immediately as Tobi scampered away to the cupboard under the stairs, a lá Harry Potter. "Are not, un!" he yelled.

"Am, too."

"Are not!"

"Am, too."

"Deidara's sexier! End of story!"

Deidara and Hidan turned their heads to see Sasori on his feet, pointing a finger towards them. However, as he saw his fellow members look at him quizzically, he lowered his arm and sheepishly backed away. "Mostly because I built his arms," he added.

"Arms do not make a person sexy," Hidan said.

"Knock it off, or I'll make you all watch Zetsu's Barbie movie collection!" Pein threatened, desperately wanting the conversation to die.

Tobi stuck his head out of the cupboard door. "Barbie?!" he repeated hopefully.

"Get back in the closet, un!"

Tobi gave out a little yelp of fright, then disappeared back into the cupboard, pulling the door closed behind him.

"Well, I'm going to get a coke," Pein said. "You want anything, Konan?"

"Get me a coke, too, please," she said.

Pein stood up to go to the kitchen, leaving his precious bean bag chair entirely vulnerable to the other members of the Akatsuki and all their shenanigans. However, all of the Akatsuki knew that so much as touching the prized black leather would fill Pein up with so much rage that he would reduce them all to bloody smears on the floor, let alone the chaos that sitting in it would bring them.

But the outside world was totally oblivious to this little fact.

The other members all turned their heads to the sound of the front door being kicked open. "Whatever you're selling, we don't want any!" Kakuzu shouted. However, the visitor wasn't a salesperson. Not even an Avon lady. Standing there was none other than The Walking-Talking Angst Bucket himself.

"Itachi!!" he shouted. "I will kill you and – Hey! The Rocky Horror Picture Show!"

Then the Raven-Haired Twit did what no man should have ever done. He walked into the room and sat down. But could he have sat on the couch? Or the floor? Oh, no, my friends. Our Soon-To-Be-Departed Emo parked his big, fat, emo ass right into Pein's ever so beloved black leather bean bag chair. And if that wasn't bad enough, he just had to go and make himself comfortable. Comfortable in such a way that it destroyed Pein's original ass imprint!

There shall be blood tonight. Oh, yes, there shall be blood.

Pein felt his entire world come crashing down upon him. It crashed down on him with so much force in fact that he experienced what happened next in slow motion!

He let the cans of soda slip from his hands and fall ever so slowly onto the tiled floor. He ran as fast as he could to the scene of the disgrace to rip the throat out of the whiney youth, but to him, he was going slower than the actors in a Baywatch episode. When he finally reached Angsty Pants in his precious chair, he lunged for him and pushed him off, knocking him to the ground. Then he proceeded to bitch-slap him repeatedly even after the Git's blood was splattered gracefully all over the walls. Then his limbs were ripped off and cast aside as Pein cried out unto his brethren to assist him in the annihilation of the Pompous Ass, unto which they all were more than obliged. Sasori attacked him with puppets, Deidara threw clay bombs at him, Zetsu ate his detached limbs, Tobi was being annoying, Hidan was slashing him up with his scythe, Kisame slashed him with his sword, Kakuzu was rummaging through his pockets for loose change, Pein continued his bitch-slapping fest, and Konan just ever so simply beat him up. It wasn't until the Angst Monkey was near death that the door opened yet again, only this time, a shaft of shining light shot forth.

At first, Dying Loser thought that he was gazing upon the tunnel to the afterlife, but at a second glance, he saw that the source of light was none other than his older brother, Itachi!

And if this wasn't confusing enough for the Crappiest Avenger, considering that up until then, he always considered Itachi of the ultimate evil and darkness that must be destroyed, what Itachi said next completely left his thoughts in disarray.

"Oh, my precious, darling, baby brother!" Itachi called, gracefully running towards him, arms outstretched. "Oh, my goodness! Look at how much you've grown! And so handsome! But I guess that would be my fault. Ha ha ha!"

"Wait! This isn't right!" The Confused Bastard cried out. "You killed the entire clan! You're evil! You hate me! I'm supposed to avenge everyone!"

"Tut, tut! Sasuke!" Itachi said, still glowing as he hugged his little brother tightly. "You see, after watching my weight's worth of Dr. Phil tapes, I know that I have been a poor excuse for a big brother, and I want to make it up to you! I'm going to take you to amusement parks and teach you how to play sports, and drive a car, and pick up women! But I bet you have to beat the girls off with a stick, right? That's my brother! The little ladies' man! But I'm going to be the best big brother ever! And I'm also going to become a good, respectable member of society! I've even started volunteering at the community centre every Saturday!"

The Shocked Whiner couldn't believe his ears. Now his whole reason for living was practically ruined! His head spun around with confusions and anguish. So greatly in fact, that his head actually exploded, killing him instantly. It was a big mess, too, with blood and guts and gore splattered everywhere within a one hundred meter radius (except for the black leather bean bag chair, of course). Then there was silence in the room for a full minute.

" . . . Tobi did it, un, " Deidara said suddenly.

"Tobi did not do it, sempai!"

"No! It was me! I have ended his life with my affections of brotherly love!"

"Kakuzu did it then."

"Nuh-uh! It was Konan!"

"What?! You did not just blame my girl!"

"Your girl?! Are you cheating on me, Konan?!"

"No, Pein! It's not like that! I swear!"

"I cannot believe that I have killed my one and only – Hey, look! It's The Rocky Horror Picture Show!"

And so the Akatsuki spent out the rest of their days watching Tim Curry dressed up in women's clothing, and Zetsu ate what was left of the Dead Emo's corpse with mashed potatoes and wild mushroom sauce, and did the Time Warp to burn off all the calories.

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A/N: And that's the long anticipated Akatsuki's kill! I hope that it was worth the wait! And I have a little problem concerning this story. You see, I am running out of insulting, but fitting names to refer to Sasuke as. If anybody has any ideas, please leave them in your reviews, pm me, do anything! It will be greatly appreciated! Really! I'll give credit and everything! And like always, please review!