Chapter VIII
Afraid of the dark

I remembered Bella's eighteenth birthday like it was yesterday. I remembered the aftermath of that day like it was last night. Strangely, the horror itself, however shocking, becomes inconsequential after a while. It's the aftermath that follows that truly haunts your mind.

My memories of those months without Bella were shamefully scarce. All I allowed myself to remember was that a giant force was pushing me towards Victoria. Or so I thought. The giant force was actually my own grief, blinding me from reality.

Those months were the worst in my existence up to that point, and I had been convinced that they would forever be the most horrible of my entire time on this earth.

I was proven wrong just days ago.

It was hard enough that Bella (as well as Jasper; I was ashamed to admit I occasionally left him out of my miserable musings) was taken by Aro, but it simply tortured me to have to stay calm, and wait for Alice to have another vision.

It was a brief relief when she had the vision of Bella and Jasper jumping off the plane. (I didn't realize until later that my relief at such an absurdly dangerous vision was a testimony to my distress concerning the involvement of the Volturi.) It was followed by a vision of Jasper taking care of her. I couldn't help but feel that Alice should've had more visions. They seemed particularly detached, somehow. Frustrating.

I was also frustrated to have my brother take care of Bella rather than me, but grateful that at least she was being taken care of. She wasn't with the Volturi anymore, so I managed to keep my desperation to a minimum. All we had to do now was wait for Alice to see where they were.

In the first few days, no one dared to bring this up, but of course we were all curious what had happened to Aro, Jane, and the others. Only I knew that Alice was searching for their future, but never saw them. I was trying to be prudent, to not jump to the conclusion we all wished for, but I couldn't help but hope that maybe they were less lucky than Bella and Jasper.

But Bella's luck, rare as it was, was quickly turning against her again. We saw Jasper trying to cool her down, trying to make her eat, drink, anything. She seemed to have a fever. And she was getting worse.

In Alice's visions, she looked like one of us, pale like stone. It was hard for me to see her like that, but it was just as hard for Alice. If possible, Jasper was even worse off than Bella. Both of us knew him well enough to know that breaking a promise was something Jasper just couldn't do. He seemed resolved to bring Bella home to me, and his anguish was hard on both of us. To Alice, because it pained her to see him like that. And to me, because I knew that Bella's life was hanging on a very thin thread. On top of that, the clarity of the visions hadn't improved. If anything, they seemed more distorted than ever. It annoyed Alice as much as it frustrated me.

Our family left us mostly to ourselves, and I was grateful for that. They understood that whatever was going on, it wasn't easy on us. They knew we would tell them if there was any news. Until then, they occupied themselves with possible strategies should the Volturi still be alive.

Alice and I spent most of our time in the forest. It was Alice's idea, and I was grateful for it. The lack of voices in my head calmed me down. The only voice I heard was Alice's.

Our escape into the forest reminded me once again of those months alone, without Bella. Occasionally, I would wish I was alone this time as well, that I didn't have to hear Alice's frustration at not getting any visions. It was hard enough having to deal with my own restlessness, and my sister's annoyance didn't help my mood. Every now and then, we'd go hunting alone, just to be away from each other.

But it would never be long. After only a few minutes I would realize that the only shred of hope I still had came from Alice. I would finish off my hunt quickly (messier than usual), and return to her right away. She always understood. It was the same for her.

Alice's vision seemed to have undergone a change. Apart from their scarcity, they were never longer than a second, showing us only a flash. Often we would be left guessing at what we just saw.

This left me with a lot of time to think. It was worst just after I'd just seen a flash of Bella. As the days progressed, the possible scenarios I played in my head became less and less pleasant. Eventually, I came to consider my options to avoid life without Bella.

I tried very hard not to make any decisions, because I was sure that Alice would disagree with them. Her hard stares told me that I had subconsciously already made the decision. From that moment on, she tried to block her visions from me. She succeeded frustratingly well, mostly due to the fact that visions were coming less and less often.

It wasn't until a day later that I once again saw flashes of her vision.

I wished I hadn't.

Bella looked as pale as before, but it was Jasper who scared me. I had seen the man in anguish before, but never like this. In Alice's previous vision (or at least, the last one I'd seen), he had looked like a madman; running around the island, and occasionally sitting by her side. In this vision, though, he'd stopped running. He just sat there, looking at a terrifyingly still Bella.

Or rather, her body.

I ran away then, straight back to the garage, knowing it was the last time I'd ever do that.

I knew I had to go south, so I just drove, first without thinking of anything else. I blocked out all thoughts, knowing I wouldn't need any directions for the next couple of states.

It wasn't easy to think of nothing though. Bella's face was flashing before my eyes constantly. I would see her like I first saw her in the cafeteria at school. Then I would see her as I preferred to remember her, sitting in my room, marveling at my CD collection. Sometimes, I would remember Alice's early visions of Bella as a vampire. Mostly, though, I saw her; body lying in the sand, eyes closed, skin translucent.

For the first time, I regretted that Bella had remained human so long.

None of this would have happened if I hadn't been so stubborn. If only I would have allowed Carlisle to turn her after graduation…

I knew I shouldn't allow myself such thoughts, but on the other hand, none of it mattered anymore. Bella was gone, and with any luck, I would be able to find Maria.

I had been so immersed in my own thoughts that I hadn't heard the turbo engine behind me catch up. With a pang of frustration, I regretted ever giving Alice that Porsche. Or rather, I regretted not buying the Vanquish S for myself when I had the chance.

My oddly soothing car reverie was broken when an angry voice screamed inside my head.

You stubborn idiot! You don't even know for sure! Of course I knew for sure. She pulled up alongside me. I glared at her, "Alice, be honest, can you see Bella?" It hadn't escaped me that Alice had had a total of zero visions about Bella's future. …No, I can't… But that doesn't mean anything, Edward! I can hardly see Jasper, does that mean he's dead too? Of course not! I don't know what's going on, but— I tuned her out, having heard what I wanted to hear.

Alice was very attuned to Bella. If she couldn't see her, that was more than enough proof. And she called me stubborn!

I picked up speed again, pushing my car to its limit, no longer caring about other traffic. Alice's car disappeared in my rearview mirror, and was soon no more than a yellow dot. She could keep up, of course, but I knew she felt responsible for my reckless driving. She blended in with the other cars, and would have a hell of a struggle to find me again later. Good. She should know that I'd rather do this alone.

I can't really blame her for coming along though. I knew her reasons. She was hoping to get a vision of Bella, proving me wrong, making me change my mind. But I could tell from her thoughts (which, as an attempt to keep me from speeding off like I just did, she deliberately communicated to me) that she didn't really believe that herself. She was hardly getting any visions of Jasper anymore.

I drove for hours, days in silence. When I finally reached the state of Texas, I allowed people's thoughts back into my mind. I knew what I was looking for. A memory of a very beautiful, blonde woman. I was annoyed to find that a lot of people seemed to be thinking of blonde women, or women called Maria. I was forced to get closer to each and every single person, to see if the face in their thoughts was Maria's.

Before I got too far into the state, I spotted a yellow Porsche on the road ahead of me. Of course, Alice was waiting. I threw the wheel around, pulled the handbrake, and then dropping it as I straightened out, sped off once more in the opposite direction.

Alice's lack of visions in the past few days had me disregarding her ability completely. Of course, she could still see where I was headed. I knew it was useless to try and outrun her. After all, she could always see where I was going. And I'd have to stop to refuel occasionally. And, worst of all, she had the faster car (only by a few miles, but it still bugged me).

I wasn't entirely sure why I still drove away from her. She'd be on my heels, as they say, within minutes. I decided not to leave the state. I was too close to Maria to have Alice distract me.

My body tensed as I realized that I had already let Alice distract me. A hiss escaped my lips involuntarily as I once again threw the car around, back to the south. It was still beyond me how it was possible for such a small creature to be so hugely irritating.

After hours of driving around the state, I stumbled across a memory that was vague, but could very well be about Maria. I parked the car on the side of the road, and listened intently. It was the voice of a young man. He'd met a woman of unbelievable beauty late last night. It sounded promising. But my hope was crushed when the man thought of her face once again. It was tanned rather than pale, and her eyes were a striking blue. I sighed, and decided to move on.

I heard her thoughts the moment I spotted the yellow Porsche in my rearview mirror. Alice was tailing me again. Surprisingly, I was fine with that. As long as she wouldn't try to stop me, that is. I revved the engine, letting Alice know I saw her. On cue, the yellow Porsche's headlights sprang on.

After that, I drove all night without finding any trace of Maria. Alice was always there, and I tried not to listen to her thoughts. They were becoming more and more desperate, and I knew she was afraid I might actually succeed this time.

The air around me suddenly began feeling much colder.

It wasn't until morning that I found a clear image of Maria, in the mind of a child.

Of course, the only people who live to remember such a beautiful face were children. I was frustrated at myself for not thinking of this sooner. I should be looking for children, or vampires. Adults would be mostly useless.

From then on, I could feel that I was getting closer with every mind that I read.

Pale as chalk!

Sick looking eyes… but so beautiful!

…scary.

What's with the sunglasses? It's raining!

…should approach her some day, talk to her. Think her name is Maria… Even through my excitement (and anxiety?) I couldn't help but feel sorry for this guy.

When Alice had a vision of us finding Maria, I knew that I was on the right track. I could hear Alice swearing in her thoughts, knowing that we were getting close, and annoyed with herself for not getting any visions of Jasper and Bella. Briefly, she feared that something might have happened to Jasper, and again I was ashamed that such a thought hadn't even occurred to me yet.

Alice's thoughts also reminded me of the one thing I'd been desperate to forget. Bella. Or rather, Bella's fate. How is it that she runs with vampires, werewolves, the Volturi for crying out loud, and lives to tell the tale, but dies of a simple fever? Bella never deserved to die so young, and the hollow in my chest stung just thinking the words. But I had to admit, part of me had always wished that when Bella died, it would be a natural death. Not an accident, or a murder, but a human death.

It was the only consoling thought I could find.

I hit the brakes as I heard several different thoughts, all about Maria, at once. I turned in the direction they were coming from, and my mind suddenly filled itself with images of the beautiful monster.

I got out of my car slowly, and only vaguely registered Alice doing the same, once her Porsche was parked behind me.

I was looking at an impressive three story home, almost intimidating. If it wasn't for the red-brick, I would've laughed at the similarities to a stereotypical haunted house. As it was though, it looked more looming to me than the Volterra city walls.

Alice's thoughts were on the same line, and she took my hand in hers. You don't want to do this, Edward… I'd miss you. Bella would miss you. Please don't kill yourself.