A/N hey guys, here is the next chapter, If you like it, please review. It's a good motivation to keep going.

JD's POV

As a doctor, you're expected to be a lot of things, confident, knowledgeable, professional and most of all composed. You can't afford to loose your cool in front of patients no matter what's going on in your personal lives. That's one of the reasons I'm standing in front of the Sacred Heart hospital, collecting myself. I've been away from this place for the past two weeks, and it feels ten years have passed me by in that time. On one hand, I want to go in there and tell everyone what's going on, but on the other hand, I just don't have it in me. I just want to grab a bag of normal and roll in it for a while, get the smell of chaos out of my life. I want things to stay the same with everyone. At least for now, I can't handle any more change. So, I have to put up the performance of a lifetime. I mean all that improve theatre is finally going to come in handy, I should be glad. I just don't know if I'm good enough an actor to do it. I wish life was a big pie monologue, I'd be so great. But its not, so I have to make things up as I go along, and its definitely not going to be as fun as pie improve theatre. I don't really know why I'm still thinking about pie but I can't seem to stop.

The thing is, I just want to be able to waltz in there like nothing's happened, goof around with Turk, talk to Carla and chill out with Elliot, but I'm not sure I can keep my emotions in check every time they're around. I don't think I can erase all these insane thoughts going around in my head. I'm so scared. I'm scared about them finding out through someone else, or finding out through my own inability to keep things hidden, or about what will happen when they finally hear it from me. I'm scared about what comes next, about being alone, about being with people, about facing this nightmare. I want to ask for help but I also know that I can't deal with their help, not now, not later. Their emotional baggage is too much to handle and its not fair for me to take my baggage to them either. I need to come to terms with everything, get my rhythm going before I tell them. I'd be glad not having to tell them at all but I know that's not exactly fair. On the other hand, what's fair about my life that I should have to worry about being fair to anyone else? Hey I used the same word in the same sentence twice in a row! Anyway, they would understand if I can't bring myself to confess, ever. Some people just can't share things like this, my friends will understand eventually.

I'm getting ahead of myself, for now, all I have to do is pretend like my vacation was normal. I have to go and get excited over seeing Turk like I always do. That's not so hard. I haven't seen him in ages and I can't wait to talk to him. I'm just not sure what I'll say. I'll have to lie like an insane person, to come up with a good cover up. I wonder if he'll believe me if I told him that I got abducted by a queer boy band on my way to Dan's and spent the last two weeks sipping on necktarinis in a trailer. Only problem is, I think I SMSed him to say that I reached safely, and that a hot bartender asked me for my number. She didn't, she asked the guy next to me, but then she turned to me and asked me if I wanted something. So, it was a close call. I wonder if you can stick your foot in your mouth through the text messaging. I bet I can.

Turk isn't even the problem, yes he can usually read me like a book, but he's also pre-occupied with being a dad and a husband, it's not that hard to slip through his V-bear-radar. same goes for Carla. Elliot is too involved with Keith and her own issues, she won't notice anything either and she can be even more self involved as the me. The person I have to avoid is Dr Cox. The man sees like a hawk and hears like a bat. I guess, when you see someone as your protégé, you notice every little thing about them. I need to avoid eye contact with him, he reads me too well. I know I've been pining for that hug he still hasn't given me, but for now, having him this close isn't going to be a good thing. I have to use his evasion tactics, drive him away like he tries to do with me all the time.

Its weird, if things weren't as messed up as they are right now, I'd feel like I'm going on a mission impossible. I'd so make a great Tom Cruise.

Imagines himself sneaking into the Sacred heard Hospital through the roof, descending from a cable, wearing glasses. The mission impossible tune plays in the background. Just when he's about to reach the nurse station for a chart, Dr. Cox walks in. "Oh Newbie I've got you now." And saying that, Dr Cox cuts the cable, causing JD to go down hard.

Yea, he's going to ruin my mission stealth. I need to steer clear of him. Okay, its time to face the music. I'm just going to go in there, be they guy they all expect me to be. Smile a lot, talk a lot, be a good doctor and don't let anyone feel like anything has changed. When the day is done, there will be plenty of time to think about everything, not right now though. Right now, I need my identity back, I need to be Dr John Dorian, or I think I'll just fall apart and there will be nothing left to do but give in.

So hear goes.

"JD!" Oh my god, what if they know, I have to get out of here, I can't deal with this…no no, wait no one knows anything. How could they possibly know? Calm down, it's just Turk looking for his reunion ritual. Get into character JD, its show time. "Turk!" I yell, sounding extra-cheerful. It sounds so fake to my ears, I hope no one else notices. Turk doesn't seem to, he's running towards me for a hug. I bet he expects me to do the eagle, I don't think I can.

Ouch, the Janitor must have waxed the floor extra clean for me, boy if he only knew what's happening in my life, he'd probably throw a party. He'd probably invite me to my own worst nightmare and make me watch with an audience. Oh well, what he doesn't know can't make him happy. I certainly won't be the one to do all the telling. I hope Turk is alright, he looks embarrassed. Just seeing him get all excited over me, makes me feel a bit choked up. This entire thing is so normal, so out of place in my crapshoot of a life. I just want to hug him, to cry on his shoulder, tell him everything. But I can't do that to him, he's not ready for that kind of stuff, not when his own life is going great. I can't bring myself to disrupt anyone else's life, I know what it feels like and I won't do it to anyone else.

So instead, I pull him up, ask if he's okay and do the next best thing, hug him like I'm never letting go. I can't help myself; I need this contact to know that I still exist, that this little world of mine, where people are happy, is real. Turk pulls away though, getting all excited and jumpy, I go along, do whatever it takes to appear as though everything is perfect. Once we've done our thing, Carla and Elliot join us as well. We're all bantering back and forth and things seem almost normal. That's until they start asking about my vacation. I had planned to tell them an elaborate tale of bravery, honor and chivalry but at that moment I completely forgot what I was going to say, so instead I just shrugged it off. No one seemed to notice much, and I thought I was doing a good job at being nonchalant but I guess I didn't do a perfectly convincing job because Turk and Carla are still asking me if something is wrong. I just tell them that I'm tired and use the tried and true goodball method to throw them off. It sort of works, but I need to rethink my strategy if this is going to work. I also need to tell Dr Kelso everything. He's the only one who can help me right now.

Looking up, I see Dr Cox, he's talking to me, maybe trying to get a rise out of me as usual. He probably wants to rant to someone. I can't let him do that right now, I'm not stable enough to take it gracefully. For a second though, having him there, the guy who always supports me in everything, having him not know anything was almost too painful. I just wanted to tell him everything, more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I couldn't do it, so I forced myself to stay in control, and leave, before he got a closer look at how messed up I really am.

………………….

It felt good to finally tell someone over here, even if it was Dr Kelso. Surprisingly though, he seemed genuinely concerned and supportive. For all of five seconds until Ted walked into the office. Then it was business as usual. Thankfully, he is letting me do my work as usual, but with added liberties. I'm not big on taking on those liberties but I'm not sure I'll have a choice soon.

"Look son, you do whatever you have to do, just don't kill any of my patients in the process, and I'll keep this on the DL"

"Thanks Dr Kelso. That means a lot."

"You know, Enid doesn't know that I put out with a Vietnamese prostitute, and I'm damn sure she'll be better of never knowing, but that doesn't mean I like to lie to her. Seriously, I'm not that creative."

"Right sir" I have no idea where he's going with this.

"The point is, sometimes its worse to be the guy with the secret, than the person who doesn't have a clue. Are you sure you want to be that guy, given everything else that's going down the crapshoot?"

"No I'm not. But right now, that's about all I have left to give them."

"Suit yourself then. Now get back to work, you do have work to do."

"Thanks sir, really. I don't know what I would have done without your help."

"I'm not sure its enough. Now will you get out of here before I get accused by one of these imbeciles of being a softie."

So, now that the big weight is off my shoulders, I can sort of relax, find my way back into things. I've missed being in control in the past two weeks, I've missed being the guy who has all the answers. I guess I still don't have the answers I need, but for others, I'm still Dr. Dorian. So, getting back in the game is kinda going to be therapeutic for me.

So here I am again, teaching my interns, being their so called safety net, I heard one of the interns call me Dr Good cop once, I put that as my facebook name for a while, until random people started messaging me saying they wanted to be my bad cop, and strangely none of them were women. Anyway, being back with them, guiding them helped me stand outside myself for a while. All the crazy in my head just became a buzzing sound, and I just let the doctor in me take over. I felt like a robot, but a caring one, with all the tender doctorly traits, but still totally on autopilot. I didn't even realize that I was multi-tasking like no one's business. For once, after two whole weeks, heack ever longer, I was energetic and on top of my game. I guess I was trying to use up whatever I could spare, god knows this isn't going to last long. I bet I'll be panting for air within the next few hours. Oh god, that's so depressing…stop it…be cool…go back to being the robot doctor.

I was doing pretty decent as robot doctor for the next little while until…

"Say Newbie, just what do you think you're doing?" What now! Just don't look at him, he's going to make you go back to being crazy JD. You just got your rhythm back.

"Getting my charts from the nurse's station." That's right, just play it cool. He can't hurt you, you don't have to tell him anything. He will not break you!

"I know you're up to something Newbie, I've got my eyes on you!" What? Has he lost it today?

"Yea I've got my eyes on you to. Who's you kill Dorian. I know you did something. What'd you do?" And of course the Janitor has to chime into the most insane conversation of the day.

You know what, I'm not going to take this, I need to get these two away from me. I forgot about the Janitor's uncanny ability to know everything about me, even my inner most thoughts. I can't count on these two not to clue in. They already think something's off. I mean yea, they aren't being as observant as they usually are or they would have guessed something was wrong over three weeks ago, but still. I need to be extra careful, now that I know, them finding out won't be that far behind.

"Excuse me guys, I have to go and do my job, I'll let the two of you continue this on your own." Oh my god, I'm talking back to my mentor. On one hand it feels good to stick it to the big dog, but on the other hand, I 'm still supposed to be the protégé! This sucks. I just need to avoid eye contact and pretend like I'm annoyed as hell. Maybe I'll scoff for dramatic effect.

"Newbie! Did you go see a doctor on your vacation?" WHAT! How can this be happening, he's bluffing. How could he possibly know that! Deny deny deny

"What? I don't know what you're talking about."

"How could you rob us the chance of watching you get testicles. I mean really, our littly Moesha getting a sex change and no one bothers to tell us?" Oh its just him trying to crush my self esteem again, thank god. That was close, did he notice my panicing? Why am I still here, I need to move my butt!

"I'm going to go now."

I think I heard the Janitor yell something behind me but I was too focused on putting one foot in front of the other and getting the hell away from the two most psychotic and subsequently brilliant people in the hospital. If they didn't spend so much time and energy in ruining my life, they could probably discover evidence of black matter in the universe or something. Well, they'll get their chance. Maybe they'll dedicate something to me some day.

I'm walking so fast that I don't even see Elliot stomping into me from the opposite direction. In true JD style, he collide, sending sprawled on the floor. This can't be good for me. I need to start paying more attention from now own.

"I'm going to go with Ouch."

"Oh sorry JD, you ok?" Am I? I better be, it hasn't even been a day since I got back!

"Yea, fine, where's the fire?"

"What?" Sometimes her being blonde is so appropriate

"Why were you rushing?"

"Oh I was looking for you. I forgot to tell you earlier, your brother called and asked that you call him back immediately."

"When was this?"

"Ah….a few hours back, I can't really remember." That's nice, its probably an emergency and I'm hearing about it now.

"Sorry JD, I got called in, my patient was coding and I forgot." Awe she looks so cute when she's sorry. Especially when her voice starts rising at the end of the sentence and the words sort of merge together to make no sense. I forgive her instantly. Dan's emergencies are that urgent most of the times anyway.

"Its ok, I'll call him right now." Turning around, I make my way to the nurse's station. To my dismay, Turk and Carla have joined Dr. Cox. Great, now everyone is here to eaves drop on whatever bomb Dan is about to drop on me. It can't be good, that's for sure. Not after everything that's happened. I can't help but have some hope though, maybe he found something or someone I couldn't. The odds of that happening are slim though, who better to know not to keep false hope than me. I'm the doctor between the two of us after all.

Whatever it is, I have to call him to be sure. I just have to be discreet about the whole thing. As I grab the phone and dial, I sort of wait for everyone to go back to doing their own thing. It wasn't really subtle of me, but they were all staring at me, what else was I supposed to do?

"Yello."

"Hey Dan its me."

"Hey little brother. Howz the day back going?" He's making small talk…very bad.

"Ah…good. Whats up with you."

"Not much, hooked up woth a cute bar tender after you left last night. She's helping me out emotionally."

"That's good to hear." Great, of all people to need emotional support, it has to be him. He probably hooked up with the girl who almost asked me out. Typical. "Listen, I have to get back to work, what did you have to call and tell me. I just saw you last night."

"Urm I was wondering. The thing about mom not finding out…was that a rule or a guideline. Because I think it was a guideline. It felt sort of, vague an out there…guide like…what do you say?"

"Dan? What did you do?"

"Nothing….much."

"Dan!"

"I told mom."

"What!" I'm so mad I can barely control my vocals. I'm pretty sure if I look up, the entire nurse's station and everyone around it is currently staring at me. So I lower my voice.

"That's the only thing I asked from you. You couldn't even do that. I didn't nned anything from you. Not emotional support, not any sort of help, just that you keep this between us and you couldn't even do that. My last…that's all I asked from you."

"I know. Look it came out. I got drunk, she asked me and I just blurted everything out. I couldn't help it."

"You know what. I don't have time for this. You did this, you take care of it. Tell her its all a mistake, deny everything and get me out of it. I'm not ready yet Dan. Fix it!" I'm so mad at him I might actually explode.

"JD, everything okay man?"

"Yea, fine. I gatta go finish up my reports. I'll see you guys later."

I don't know what I'm going to do if mom shows up here. I can't deal with that right now. How could my brilliant plan be breaking apart already? For god's sake it's only been one day since I got back! So much for mission stealth. I have to fix this myself, Dan isn't reliable, I should have guessed he's screw this up. I need to make up a good cover story. It can't be that hard, I'm a doctor for god's sake!

God, if you're up there, you better come through for me on this one. Enough with the kicking JD when's down thing. I need some relief and I need it ASAP.

Are you listening?