A/N: I hope everyone's enjoying the story so far and please don't hate me lol :-p
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, only my characters
Chapter 4: I Gotta Go My Own Way
Two months had passed by and Sam and Dean were still at the Roadhouse. Ellen had made it clear that she didn't want them to leave. Part of the reason was to help Jo, she didn't want her getting hurt if Dean left. She also wanted the guys to stay close since they didn't have anybody else other than Bobby. The room that both boys shared became Sam's room. Dean and Jo started dating two weeks after the guys arrived at the Roadhouse. Dean slept in Jo's room. At first Ellen wasn't happy about that sleeping arrangement, but her daughter was an adult.
Ever since they started living there, Dean became more distant of Sam. Ellen noticed, but thought it was because Dean was starting a relationship with Jo, so she didn't think anything of it. The distancing hurt Sam a lot. He would try to spend some time with Dean, but his brother would blow him off. At first he let it slide since he knew Jo was his brother's first real relationship after Cassie. Now it felt messed up, his brother had never treated him that way, not even when he was mad at him. He also felt jealousy against Jo, she got to be with them man that he loved. He was just…there.
Dean was truly happy for once in his life. He thought he was going to be miserable being in a relationship with Jo since he didn't have any feelings for her. After being with her for a while he found that he enjoyed her company. They went out on dates. She showed him things that normal couples do. She wasn't annoying as he thought she would be. As the days passed he found himself falling for her even more. He was still in love with Sam and a part of him would always be, but Jo was winning his heart too. He felt so confused and had pulled away from Sam because of it. He knew it was fucked up, but if falling for Jo would help him get over his little brother, then it would be worth it. He could then move on and happily start a family knowing his brother was going to do the same.
Jo was happy, she couldn't believe that Dean Winchester was her boyfriend. She had tamed Mr. Wam Bam Thank You Ma'am. She was relieved when her mom convinced the guys to stay and that Dean had agreed. She couldn't think about anything other than Dean, she was completely oblivious to anything else around her. Ellen was happy for her, she realized that Dean was good for her daughter.
It was eight in the morning and Sam was laying in his bed trying to control the nauseous feeling that had been following him for the past two weeks. He had a feeling of why he was feeling that way, but was too scared to find out if he was right. At last he couldn't control it any longer, he sat up quickly and ran to the bathroom. He fell to his knees and started to throw up everything that he had eaten the night before. He hated throwing up, he felt weak and felt like his stomach was doing flips. After the dry heaves stopped, he rested his forehead on the edge of the porcelain bowl. He waited til' all the tremors stopped. He got up and looked at himself in the mirror and thought, "I look like shit." He was sweating a little bit and was pale. He brushed his teeth and washed his face. Luckily everyone was either asleep or downstairs eating breakfast, so they never heard Sam puking his guts every morning. He had hid it well from everyone except one person, the person he would least expect. That person listened to him from the other side of the door, but never said anything. Today though he was going to say something, his room was next to the bathroom and everyday Sam would wake him up because of the puking. Sam went back to his room and layed down, he tried to sleep a little more before he had to get up and face the torturous new day.
During breakfast Sam pushed his food around his plate. He was afraid that he would just bring it back up. Jo was looking through a magazine while she ate. Ash was thinking of how to confront Sam about some things he had noticed. Ellen looked worriedly at Sam, he had been doing the same thing at breakfast for the past couple of days. Dean was not there. A month ago he had applied at a small garage in the town and he was hired. He would leave around seven in the morning and would come out at four.
"Sam honey are you okay?" Ellen asked when she Sam push his food around again.
"Yeah I'm fine, just not feeling hungry at the moment…I'll save it for later." He stood up and had to hold on to the table for a couple of seconds when the room started to spin.
"Are ya' sure, you're looking a little on the pale side?" Ellen got even more worried and made a mental note to tell Dean later.
"Yes I'm sure Ellen…I just had a rough night and barely slept, that's all." Sam covered his plate and placed it in the microwave.
"Nightmares?" Ellen asked.
"Yea'." He lied. "I'm gonna go lay down for a bit and try to get some sleep." He walked out of the kitchen and took a deep breath. Ellen and Ash watched him go.
"Is he gonna be okay?" Jo broke the silence.
"He looks worn out, like if he did five hunts in a row." Ash finally spoke.
"Something's going on, there's no reason for him to look so sick, nightmares or not. I'm gonna have to talk to Dean, maybe he can help Sam." Ellen looked at the door leading out of the kitchen.
"Well Dean said Sam's nightmares have always been intense. So they probably affect him this way." Jo kept looking through her magazine.
"Maybe, but I'll feel better if I tell Dean about this." Ellen gave her final say on the matter.
Sam layed in bed and stared at the ceiling. So many thoughts were running through his mind. There was a main thought, but he was still in denial about it. He closed his eyes when the room started to spin. He was getting tired of the dizzy spells. When he opened his eyes he was relieved that the dizziness had gone away. He sighed and thought about the past two months. He was shocked when Dean had accepted Ellen's offer of them staying to live at the Roadhouse. He hadn't even asked for Sam's opinion, he just said yes. Then Dean was pushing him away, he would ignore him or space out if Sam was talking to him. Dean had freaked out that Sam was going to leave him after their one night together, but everything Dean had been doing was the complete opposite. It was at a point that if Dean kept that up, Sam was going to pack up his things and just leave. Tears rolled down the side of Sam's face, he loved Dean, but he would leave if he kept getting pushed aside. Then he thought of his other problem, the one that had him throwing up every morning. He didn't want to, but he knew he had to go to the store and pick up a test. He just needed to build up the courage to go. He closed his eyes and took a much needed nap.
Ash finally figured out part of what he was going to say. He went to Sam's room and knocked on the door. When Sam didn't answer Ash slowly opened the door. He saw Sam asleep and noticed the drying tears on his face. He closed the door quietly, "I'll talk to him later." When he turned around, he was startled.
"Damn Jo, ya' scared me." Ash tried to whisper.
"My bad. Why are you whispering?" Jo asked.
"Sam's sleeping and I don't wanna wake him up, he did have a rough night after all." Ash replied as he walked away from the door.
"Like I said before, his nightmares are always intense as Dean says." She looked at him and suddenly had a thought.
"You ditzy blonde he's been puking every morning this past week, not having nightmares." Ash thought.
"Ash do you have a crush on Sam? I mean lately you've been looking at him with this intense stare and now you're going into his room. I know Sam is straight, but are you Bi and if you are, why didn't you tell me? I thought we were best friends." She said without taking a breath.
"Umm Jo I'm straight, there's no fuckin' doubt about that." He grinned and waggled his eyebrows. "Secondly I'm just worried about him, he's my friend. He's been looking sick these past few days and no one but your Mom has noticed." He explained to her.
"Oh. I never noticed…Well Dean will talk to him and find out what's wrong." She walked off to help Ellen set up the bar for the day.
"Yeah right, he's been ignoring his brother. That's probably one of the reasons he's upset, but the other I need to be sure before I open my big mouth." Ash thought as he went into his room.
Sam woke up feeling much better an hour later. He got his thoughts together and got up. With determination he went to Ellen and asked to borrow her car.
"Sure sweetie, where ya' goin'?" Ellen asked as she handed Sam her keys.
"Just to the store, I want to buy some twizzlers and new razors." He lied.
"Are you sure you're okay? I don't want you passing out while you're driving." She let more of her worry show through.
"I'm fine really Ellen. Why would you think I would pass out?" Sam asked.
"Have you looked at yourself in a mirror? Your face is pale." Ellen replied.
"I'm fine, I only get like this when I have rough nights. I feel better now, I took a nap. Don't worry." He reassured her, but was dying to get out of there.
"Okay Sam. Just be careful and call me if anything." Ellen looked at him seriously.
"'Kay. See you later and thank you for lettin' me borrow the car." He smiled.
"Anytime Sammy." She got back to work.
Once Sam got outside he let out a sigh of relief. He really needed some time alone, he felt smothered there. He started the car and made his way to the nearest convenience store. He turned on the radio to keep his mind preoccupied with something. Singing along to Styx's Renegade made him relax until he got to the store.
Sam sat in the car for five minutes before he decided to walk into the store. He first got the twizzlers and razors, he didn't want Ellen to question him if he didn't get those things. Then he went to the aisle that had what he really needed. He gulped and walked up to the section where various pregnancy tests were displayed. His hand shook as he reached out for one of the more accurate tests. He placed it in the basket and decided to get another one from a different brand just to see if he would get the same answer. With his basket he very slowly made his way to the registers. He quickly paid and all but rushed out of the store. Now he just wanted to get back home and get it over with. He was tired of not knowing even though he already knew what the answer was going to be.
Fifteen minutes later Sam was back at the Roadhouse. He hurried inside and handed the keys to Ellen. Luckily she was with a customer and couldn't question him about anything.
In his room he took out the two tests and hid them in his hoodie. He threw the bag on the night table and went to the bathroom. He took out one test and read the instructions on the box. He did what it said and did the same thing with the other test. He set the timer on his cell phone and sat on the floor to wait. He rested his head on his knees and tried not to think about anything.
Ten minutes later Sam's phone went off, he jumped when he heard it. He shakily stood up and looked down at the tests. He swallowed down a large lump that formed in his throat. Exactly what he feared was confirmed, both tests said positive. He stuffed the boxes and the tests at the very bottom of the trash can and walked numbly to his room.
He laid down on his bed, fresh tears rolling down his face. He couldn't believe that he, Sam Winchester was pregnant, but not just by any guy. No, he was pregnant with his big brother's baby. He was surprised and shocked, but not so much. He knew Dean hadn't used a condom, they were both drunk and didn't think about it at the time. Sam knew that he had to tell his brother about the baby, this wasn't something he could hide. He was afraid of what his reaction was going to be, but all he knew was that he wasn't going to get rid of it no matter what anyone said. His mind was going a mile a minute. He needed a job, going back to school was not an option anymore, maybe when the baby was older. Also he needed to look for an apartment, he wasn't going to abuse Ellen's hospitality. If Dean wanted to stay there that was his choice. Though he really needed to talk to his brother.
While Sam was deep in thought Ash knocked on his door. Sam sat up and wiped his eyes then let Ash in.
"Hey what's up?" Sam asked as he sat back down on his bed.
"Nothin' man, I just wanted to talk to you about some things." Ash sat on the other bed.
"Like what?" Sam had no clue of what Ash would want.
"Okay umm…I know it ain't any of my business, but are you really okay?" He asked nervously.
"How many times do I have to repeat I'm fine!" Sam replied exasperatedly.
"'Kay man don't chew me out, but if you're really "okay" as you say, then why are you throwing up every morning?" Ash defended himself.
"What?!" His head snapped up.
"Dude I hear you every morning, the bathroom is right next to my room." He explained.
"I…I do…" Sam stuttered, but Ash cut him off.
"Sam you can tell me anything, I won't tell." Ash looked at him and Sam knew he was serious.
"I'm…I'm afraid to tell anyone. My situation is so fucked up, nobody would understand. They'd be disgusted by me or worse everyone would hate me, even Dean…" Sam's eyes teared up again, he furiously wiped his eyes. He didn't want to lose it in front of Ash.
"You're pregnant aren't ya' Sam?" It wasn't a question. Sam opened his mouth, but Ash held up a hand. Sam looked at the floor with shame.
"I may appear as dumb and stupid, but I'm not. Other than the puking I noticed other symptoms like feeling tired and dizziness. Sometimes when you stand up you have to hold on to something and close your eyes. That's how I figured it out and I know that…Dean's the father." Sam looked at him stunned.
"I just noticed the way you look at him sometimes and it just clicked…Look I'm not judging you and I'm not disgusted. With what we go through in our lives, incest is just a blip on everyone's radars. Demons and saving people are more important…What I really want to know is if you and Dean were with each other, why is he with Jo?" Ash asked curiously.
Sam hesitated, but replied, "Umm…When we finished our last hunt, me and Dean decided to celebrate at a bar…Well we got drunk and one thing led to another…and we ended up sleeping together…The next day he freaked out and he said that we were to forget it ever happened and that he regretted it. He didn't even let me speak, I just agreed with him to make him happy…" Sam just let the tears fall. "But I can't, I could never forget. That was the best night of my life, we had no fears or worries, it felt right for some reason, not wrong or perverted…I love him, I'm in love with him Ash. I'm a monster, how could I fall in love with my own brother. He can never know, I don't wanna lose him even though he's been pushing me away lately. I'll probably lose him completely because of the baby, but I'm not giving it up no matter what the outcome is…Just please don't tell anyone, please! I'll make something up about this situation, but please don't tell, especially about Dean." Sam pleaded, he was sobbing.
In a move nobody thought Ash would do, he sat down next to Sam and hugged him, "Shh it's okay Sam. I'm not telling anyone, it's not their business anyways. And you're not a monster okay? You can't control who you fall in love with. I'm not disgusted with you, I could never be, you're my friend. Either way hunters are more open minded, when any of them find love they hold on to it cause' they never know when they'll kick the bucket. This baby is not a mistake it's a blessing, I support your decision of keeping it…Now I understand why you look hurt when you see Dean and Jo together, I would feel the same way if it was me…But you do have to tell him about the baby, you can also tell him how you feel about him." Ash kept holding him til' he calmed down.
After a couple of minutes Sam sat up and spoke, "Thanks Ash…I actually feel better now that I let it all out. I have been keeping that bottled up inside for the past two months…Thanks for being understanding and not judging me for what I feel. Especially for everything that you said. I needed to hear that, it gave me some reassurance…I'm going to tell Dean about the baby, tonight if he doesn't blow me off again, but I'm keeping my feelings to myself. Dean's happy and in love with Jo and I don't want to make him awkward or upset. I want him to be happy, he deserves it."
"No problem Sam, I'm always here if you need to talk, always. I'll listen…If that's your choice, then I'll back you up all the way…Now I'll leave you alone while I'll try to score a date to Olive Gardens." He squeezed Sam's shoulder and walked out.
Sam felt like a heavy weight had been lifted. He never thought Ash would be so sensitive and caring. You never would think he was a genius either especially with that mullet he was sporting, but you can't judge a book by its cover. Sam thought of when and how to tell Dean his news. He just knew that he didn't want clingy Jo around. He only wished he knew what Dean's reaction was gonna be.
Dean was happy to be heading home. He loved his job, but had too much work today. He was a little tired and wanted to relax before he took Jo out for dinner and a movie. Friday's were their date nights. He rolled his eyes, "I can't believe I'm Joe Normal." He raised the volume on the radio, Metallica playing loudly through the speakers.
When he got to the Roadhouse Jo greeted him first with a big kiss and a how was your day. He smiled and replied then went to say hi to Ellen and go to his room, but Ellen stopped him after he said hello.
"Dean I need to talk to you about something important." Ellen pointed to a stool in front of where she was. He obeyed and sat down.
"Okay what's going on?" Dean asked worriedly.
"It's about Sam." She handed Dean a beer.
"C'mon Ellen, Sam's a big boy now." He rolled his eyes.
"Yea' well if you haven't noticed, something's wrong with Sam. Lately his face is always pale, he's not eating or sleeping. He takes a nap during the day, but that's not enough. He needs a good night's sleep. He says they're nightmares, but every night?...Will you please just talk to him, he'll tell you the truth." She pleaded.
"That doesn't sound like Sammy, the nightmares yes, but everything else…I'll talk to him Ellen." He finished off his beer and walked upstairs.
"I'll talk to him later, it's not a life and death situation." He thought even though he was worried about his Sammy's behavior.
Around eight Jo and Dean were ready to go. Sam had finally gotten the courage to talk to Dean. Luckily Sam had reached Dean at the bottom of the staircase and stopped him. Dean turned to look at him impatiently.
"Dean I need to talk to you, alone." He looked at Jo.
"Baby go start the car I'll be right out." He looked back at Sam after Jo left.
"What do you want Sam, I kinda have somewhere to be and Jo doesn't like to be late." He tried to rush his little brother.
"Umm…I…I'm…" Sam was having trouble telling his brother his news.
"You know what, if this was important you would've said it already. I'm leaving, you can tell me whatever it is later, Ellen told me to talk to you anyways. So you better be up when I get back." He walked away.
Sam just stood on the bottom step stunned. Dean didn't even give him a chance to talk. It's not like what he had to say was easy to spit out like nothing.
Maybe it could be blamed on hormones or the fact that he was blown off again, but Sam was instantly angry. He couldn't believe his brother was treating him like shit. Being with Jo had changed his brother for the worse. At that moment Sam made a decision. He was going to leave and not tell Dean about the baby. Dean didn't deserve to know, it's not like he would care. He ran upstairs and started to pack his bag and put the rest of his stuff in his bookbag. His anger disappeared and turned into hurt. Sam had been hurting and Dean didn't notice. Dean had always noticed. He had some money saved from hustling and some volunteer work that he did for other hunters and also one fake credit card. He would stay at a hotel and then look for a job and a place to live.
Sam went down to the bar without his bags, he just wanted to talk to Ellen. He went up to her when she finished talking to a hunter.
"Hey sweetie what's going on?" Ellen asked.
"Nothin' I was just thinking that I never really said thank you for taking me and Dean in." Sam was in his own way saying goodbye and thankfully Ellen didn't catch on.
"Oh Sam it was nothing. You boys deserved a home and I'm happy that you guys stayed." She smiled. Another hunter caught her attention.
"I'll just leave you, you're busy." Sam started walking to the back. Ellen smiled then kept talking to the hunter.
Upstairs Ash was waiting for Sam at his door. Sam looked at him and his eyes teared up. Both of them went into Sam's room. Ash noticed Sam's bags.
"Sam what's goin' on? Did you tell Dean?" Ash was curious.
"He didn't even give me the time to tell him, he was in a hurry…So I'm going to make it easy on everybody and just leave." He looked sadly at his bags.
"Leave why? No, you can't leave…You're not gonna tell Dean?" Ash kept spitting out questions.
"I have to, I can't be here anymore. Dean doesn't care about me anymore and I'm afraid if I tell him about the baby that he'll treat me worse. In my opinion he doesn't deserve to know." Sam started to cry as he said those words. "I'll raise my baby on my own. There're a lot of single parents out there, if they can do it so can I." He picked up his bags.
"Okay Sam if this is what you want, then I won't stop you. My only condition is that you call me if you need help or just need to talk. You're never gonna be alone, you'll have me and of course I'll want to see the baby once it's born." Both of them smiled.
"Don't worry I won't tell anyone, all hell is gonna break loose, but I'll keep my mouth shut. Just please be careful." He hugged Sam.
"Thanks Ash…I'll call you once in a while so no one gets suspicious and I promise to be careful." Both of them went downstairs.
"I'll cover for you, go through the back door in the kitchen. Take care Sam." He smiled then walked to the bar.
Sam walked through the kitchen and made it to the door. As he was stepping out he looked back with tears in his eyes. He had one hand on his stomach and whispered, "I'm sorry Dean, but I gotta go my own way."
TBC...
A/N: Let me know what you think.