Chapter 10

Starsky drove like the wind through the quiet city, the woman's vitriolic words echoing round and around in his head and mixing with Ramsey's snide comments and supercilious expression earlier in the evening. And the more he thought about it, the more he convinced himself that he was holding Hutch back.

Ever since the shooting, their friendship, which had always been close, had expanded to fill their lives. Sarah was right. The were never out of each other's pockets, either at work or off duty when they shared drinks at the Pits, double dated, and even slept at each other's places to make working easier.

In the early days, when Starsky had been recovering, Hutch had moved into the brunet's place to make it easier to look after him and now the curly haired cop winced at what Hutch had had for do. Too weak to walk properly after his discharge from hospital, it was his partner who had washed him and fed him and dressed him. And then had taken him to the john and stood by while he performed. And Hutch had never said a word. He'd allowed the brunet as much dignity as the circumstances allowed; even when it came to the infections and fevers that marred his recuperation when Starsky had been so out of it that he'd had little or no control over his body. And even then, in the midst of changing sheets on the bed and fighting with the fever torn brunet, Hutch had never once complained. He'd been there. He'd put his life on hold. And he'd never once told Starsky about the missed opportunities.

The sable haired cop slammed his fists against the wheel of his car. How could he have been so dumb? How could he have missed that? And how could he have been so wrapped up in his own recovery that he'd never given a thought to what it was doing to Hutch? Sarah was right. He needed to take a step back and allow Hutch some space. Maybe his partner had been longing for that and yet had never had the chance to say it. That would be so like Hutch; putting Starsky's needs before his own. Damn! He was so fuckin' selfish.

By the time he'd got to his apartment, Starsky had convinced himself that everything that had happened, from Hutch not taking his exams to the blond not being married and having kids to the absence of world peace was all his fault and he stumbled out of his car and up the steps to his apartment. Why did Gina stay with him? He was a worthless piece of shit and she'd do so much better with someone else like one of those fancy lawyer types at her office. He was holding her back too and she'd be the laughing stock after his miserable performance at Le Gauguin.

Going inside, the brunet made straight for his kitchen and rummaged round in the back of his cupboard. He pulled out a brand new bottle of Jose Cuerva Tequila that ironically Hutch had bought him for his birthday. Without bothering to get a glass he cracked open the seal to the bottle and took a deep chug from the neck. The fiery liquid burned a flaming path down to his stomach and made him cough over the fumes, but the liquor felt good and he took another chug as he made his way into the bathroom. Getting undressed while he worked his way down the bottle he turned on the water as he continued taking big mouthfuls. The more he drank, the worse he felt. But at the same time, the worse he felt, they more he felt it was doing him good and that this was punishment for his inadequacies.

Starsky stood naked and slightly wobbly under the shower and stared at the white tiled wall now pebbled with water, his mind now a pleasant blank. He didn't want to think any more. All he wanted was to blank out the past 24 hours, shrivel up and die. But instead, once he'd stayed in there for five or so minutes he managed to get himself out of the water and made a grab for the bottle again. He missed, squinted at the fuzzy object and aimed again. This time he caught it and put it to his lips as he sank back against the wall and slipped down to the floor. With the bottle in his hand, it didn't seem important to move anywhere else. He and Jose Cuerva could have a party in the bathroom and so he took another mouthful and closed his eyes.

The brunet didn't hear the door to his apartment opening, but Hutch could hear the shower still running in the bathroom and he smiled to himself. That was his partner. Whatever had happened, he'd always take a shower before going to bed. He sat down on the sofa waiting for Starsky to finish and come out, but as the time progressed and the brunet didn't appear, he got more jumpy and finally he got up and pushed at the bathroom door.

'Starsk?' he said quietly. There was no answer and he tried again, poking his head round the door as he did so. The sight brought a lump to his throat and he pushed the door open and walked in. Starsky was sitting slumped against the wall, naked, still damp and with water pearling in his curls. His eyes were closed and his fist was still clenched around the neck of the tequila bottle which now registered only a third full. Softly Hutch hunkered down by the side of his partner and put his hand on the bare shoulder.

'Starsk, what're ya doin' here buddy. You'll catch your death.'

Blurry indigo eyes opened and stared at him, unfocused and unsure. 'Hutsssh, what're ya doin' here?' Starsky slurred.

'Come to find you. And it looks like it's good I did. What're ya doin' in here Gordo?'

'You should go. Go an' find Sarah. She shaid….said…. Hutsssh' Starsky's big blue eyes looked up at him with so much pain in them that Hutch wanted to do nothing more than hold his partner and sooth away the hurt.

'I know what she said buddy an' she had no right. C'mon, let's get ya up and dried huh?'

'No, don't wanna…….wanna shhhtay 'ere' the brunet mumbled petulantly.

'No you don't. You'll get cramp. Let me help you up' the blond said calmly although he hated seeing his friend in such a state, especially when he thought he knew the reason.

But Starsky had other ideas. Clumsily he raised his hand and pushed the big blond away. 'Jus' go….. leave me 'ere. 'M no good fer ya.'

'What? Is that what you really think Starsk?' Hutch asked softly.

'S'what she said. 'N Gina's boss….. he thinks I'm no good. They're right. Little Dave Shtarssssky from Brooklyn. He's only good fer bullet fodder.'

Hutch's temper flared again, more at Sarah than at his partner. He put his arm round the brunet's waist and pulled him unsteadily to his feet. 'Shudup Starsk. You're drunk' he muttered as he dragged the smaller man out of the bathroom.

'Nooo. Leave me 'lone. You should go. Don't want to ssstand in your way no more. I don't wanna…'

Hutch grabbed the bottle from Starsky's hand and put it down on the countertop as they passed it. 'You don't want any more of that Gordo. You need to lie down and sleep. C'mon lets get ya to bed.'

Starsky snickered. 'Bet'cha say that to all the girls.'

'Yeah, that's me. The big Romeo' Hutch grunted as he managed to get his partner into the bedroom. As they stood by the bed, Starsky looked up into Hutch's eyes, his own suddenly clearer and his face serious.

'Hutch…. D'ya love me?' he asked without any hint of artifice.

Hutch's heart bled for the curly haired man. He could feel his partner's pain keenly. He'd not come away from Gunther's shooting unscathed either. But while the evidence of the bullets was clearly written all over the brunet's body, Hutch's scars were all on the inside. The scars caused by witnessing the brunet's titanic struggle for survival. Only Hutch knew how hard Starsky had battled and what it had cost the smaller man both in physical and also mental terms. They'd often spoken late into the night about their future. In the early days when Starsky's future as a cop was in question, they'd talked about their future together and what they would do if he couldn't return to the streets. And then Hutch had been there again to witness his partner's pain on that first date after the shooting when Starsky came home hating himself all over again because the girl had recoiled in horror from the sight of his newly healed and still livid red scars.

He sighed. Did he love Starsky? Of course he did. Did he love him as a lover? Of course not. They were both straight guys, but still, his feelings ran deep.

'Course I love ya, dummy' he said it lightly. 'C'mon get down on the bed huh?'

'I love you Hutsssh. Love ya man. M'sorry' the brunet sighed as he slipped onto the bed. With Hutch's arm still around his waist, he pulled the blond down onto the bed with him and even before his curly head had hit the pillow he was asleep.

Hutch lay on the bed, his hand wedged under his partner's body as Starsky snuggled up to him. He lay stiff, unmoving. Not trusting himself to move because he didn't want to disturb his buddy. So long did he lay there that eventually his own eyes closed and he drifted into a deep sleep where he dreamed of Sarah yelling at him and of Starsky and Gina marrying.

Hutch woke slowly to the small domestic sounds coming from the kitchen. A tap turned on and then there was a low curse and it switched off again. A glass or cup placed quietly down onto the countertop. Another muffled curse as a cupboard door opened.

Starsky had donned a pair of jeans but nothing else and was leaning on his elbows on his countertop, head in hands as he waited for the seltzers in his glass to finish fizzing.

'Hangover?' Hutch asked innocently as he made for the coffee percolator.

'Hm….can't hear ya over the marchin' band playin' Colonel Bogey's March in my head.'

'That was a bucketful of tequila you downed buddy. I'm surprised your liver didn't up an' resign.'

'Don't. Don't talk to me about food or drink ever again' Starsky muttered darkly. He picked up the recovery drink and downed it in one, grimacing at the taste and wiping the back of his hand over his mouth.

'Wanna talk about last night?' Hutch asked softly.

'Nope.'

'Well somethin's got to be said. Sarah was bang out of order.'

Starsky raised his head and stared balefully at his buddy. 'No she wasn't. She told the truth. She just wasn't too gentle about it.'

'She was jealous and she was angry buddy. Nothing more'n that. She had no right to say those things.'

'She had every right Hutch. Coz you wouldn't have.'

The blond sighed. 'Starsk come over here an' sit down. I can't talk to ya with the kitchen separatin' us. C'mon pal, this is too important' he patted the sofa next to him and reluctantly Starsky padded over, taking the chair rather then the seat next to the blond. Hutch let it pass.

'What did she tell you?' Hutch asked tensely.

'Nuthin. Don't matter.'

'Aww for Pete's sake don't gimme that Starsk. Tell me. I need to know.'

'K. She said that I was holdin' ya back. That I was the reason you didn't make lieutenant yet' the brunet spat defiantly, as though challenging his partner to repudiate the statement. Why didn't ya tell me they'd asked ya to sit the exams twice?'

'It wasn't important' Hutch explained simply

'How can ya say that? This is your life!'

'And everyone seems to be hell bent in livin' it for me. Sure they asked me to sit the exams. Thing is, no-one asked me if that's what I wanted. And it wasn't. It still isn't.'

'But you'd make a good lieutenant' the brunet persisted.

'Maybe. But if I was a lieutenant I wouldn't need a partner, would I?'

'And?' Starsky demanded.

'And dummy, if I didn't need a partner, I wouldn't get to work with you.'

'Maybe you shouldn't. I'm a loser. A washup. You could do better.'

Hutch threw up his hands in desperation. 'Yeah, you know what? Sure I could. In fact where's the phone? I'll ring Dobey right now and ask if he'll partner me with that bright young thing that's just joined. That'd be so much better. Is that what you really think Starsk? You really think you're a loser?'

'Yeah' there was such sorrow and pain in that one whispered response that Hutch for a moment couldn't speak. Instead he dropped from the sofa onto his knees and grabbed his partner, pulling the brunet to him in a bear hug of an embrace. They stayed together for a moment longer before Hutch pulled away.

'You're right Gordo. You are a loser – or at least you are if you think I'd partner anyone else. Don't you see? Even after everything we've been through I'm still here. It's still Me and Thee and I wouldn't have it any other way. I couldn't trust anyone else like I trust you. Dammit I trust you with my life every single day. Don't that mean something?'

'Does to me, yeah' the smaller man muttered.

'And to me too. If I'd thought any different I'd have gone years ago. But you asked me last night if I loved ya, and the answer is a resounding yes. Course I do.'

Starsky stared fondly at his partner, and then winced at the memory of the previous evening. 'Thanks for last night.'

The blond looked away, embarrassed suddenly at his partner's remorse. 'No problem Starsk. What're friends for?'

'Yeah, but I was wasted.'

'That's an understatement.'

'Ok, don't labor the point' Starsky said with feeling. 'An' I don't even like tequila much. Leastways I don't now.'

Hutch snickered. 'That's called aversion therapy.'

'I just needed sumthin.'

'Ya could've just talked. Hell Starsk, you know I'm always there if ya need it.'

Starsky turned the full force of his indigo eyes on his partner. 'Well that's the problem aint it? You're always there, an' I take it for granted that ya don't have another life apart from me. She had a point.'

'She had a vicious, jealous point, yeah, but this aint you Starsk. You wouldn't normally let someone like Sarah twist you up this bad. There must be something else an' I'm not lettin' ya go till I find out.'

The brunet hung his head and rested it in his hands. 'Don't push Hutch.'

'Uh uh. No no no. You're not doin' that. Tell me.'

'Gina…… Ramsey…… my girl. Oh hell I dunno.'

'What's she done? Have you two split up?' Hutch asked, seeing the pain written all over the brunet's face and body.

'Have you and Sarah?' Starsky shot back.

'You first buddy.'

'Gina n' me? Yeah…. Well no. It's complicated.'

'Try me.'

'We went out last night. I wanted it to be sumthin special so I took her to that fancy Polynesian restaurant that's just opened.'

Hutch gave a low whistle. 'Jeez! Did ya get a raise or somethin' buddy? That's a seriously expensive place.'

'I know. I wanted to impress her. Turns out I just ended up lookin' like a fuckin' moron.'

'Why?'

Starsky sighed. 'Coz her boss and some of his fancy cronies were there. An' surprise, surprise he asked us over to join him at his table. Next thing I know he's handed me this menu that's either in French or South Seas mumbo jumbo an' asked me to order for the lot of 'em.'

The blond's face turned to thunder. Always protective of Starsky, and knowing how his partner's lack of higher education always left the brunet feeling vulnerable, his anger at the smart assed lawyer soared.

'Bastard' he spat out.

Starsky looked up and grinned. 'I guess I got the last laugh. I asked the waiter to recommend the food an' of course the guy says the most expensive thing on the sheet. But then half way through the meal Gina said she was sick an' could I take her home.'

'And?'

'And we went, but I left Ramsey with the bill' the curly haired man grinned briefly at the memory and then his face fell again. 'So I took her home. She said she had a headache. Well ya know what it means when a girl says she's got a headache…..?'

Hutch nodded. 'It generally means she's got a headache Gordo. She was probably as sick of Ramsey as you were and that was a helluva a good get out.'

'But I asked her if I should come up an' kinda…… ya know? And she said no, she was fine. She don't want to see me no more' Starsky finished mournfully.

'She means she had a headache an' she didn't want you poundin' away at her Starsk. Sometimes a headache is exactly that.'

'Not this time. I know. She's come to the same conclusion Sarah has. I'm a loser.'

Hutch's patience snapped. 'Will ya stop that? For fucks sake Starsk! You're as good as the next man; better in most cases. So her boss fucked you up royally. So what? If she really is fazed by that then she doesn't deserve ya. But you'll see. She'll be fine. She'll ring, no problem' Hutch said with finality. 'Want a coffee?'

'Sure.'

'Anythin' else?'

'Why d'ya look after me?' Starsky asked.

'Cos if I didn't…… '

The brunet looked up sharply. 'This mornin' when I woke up I was um….. Well I don't usually sleep in the buff. Did you um…..?'

'No, you took a shower an' I found ya in the bathroom. You'd got naked all on your own, like a big boy.'

'But you put me to bed' Starsky persisted.

'Uh huh.'

'And then you got in with me? You were asleep in my bed this mornin' when I woke up.'

'You were drunk as a skunk buddy. When I got ya into the bedroom you fell onto the bed and you were asleep before ya hit the pillow with my arm wedged underneath ya. I didn't have a whole lot of choice in the matter' the blond said defensively.

Starsky rested his hand on his friend's shoulder. 'Thanks' he said simply. 'But what about you and Sarah? What happened after I'd gone?'

'She tried to explain that she'd just told you to back off, like that was really what I wanted to hear' Hutch said shortly.

'And?'

'And you don't need to buy the penguin suit for the weddin' buddy. Think on it as a savin.'

'Aww shit Hutch. I'm sorry. You'll work it out, it was just an argument. I could talk to her if ya want?' the brunet offered, feeling even worse for his friend.

Hutch sighed and turned, smiling sadly. 'No, don't do that. I got to thinkin. Things change and maybe me an' Sarah were never mean to be. She doesn't want to share me an' I can't give up my life for her.'

'You mean your job? You love your job, I know. Hey, hold the coffee while I get dressed huh? Starsky said plodding towards the bathroom as Hutch put his head in his hans and waited.