Thank you again! I really will be getting back to my other stories soon, but this one has been playing on my head.

……………………………………………………….…….

Chapter Four

………………

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

- Anais Nin

……………….

"So what's on yer mind?" Smeed asked when they'd cleared the mess.

"Anders."

"What about him?" Jack's first officer knew he had to be more than just peeved about this morning's incident with the magnetic field.

Things like that happened; maybe the kid could have avoided it if had more experience, better training, but they took what they could get, especially when it came to skilled positions. Certified pilots wouldn't touch a ship like the Captain's Welshman. Anders was the closest thing Smeed had seen to a real pilot in months, barring the ones that had lost their Papers due to incidents involving drunkenness or drugs. "Anders do something?" he asked.

"I ended up in the shower with him…"

"Jackie…"

"Not like that!" Jack rolled his eyes. "Sheesh. Give me a little credit."

Smeed scoffed at the thought. "I take it I need to come down and do a repair on yours?"

"When you get a chance. I'd rather have the nav system looked at. And I want to know why the Hell our sensors didn't pick up that magnetic field until we were in the middle of it."

The other man nodded, making a mental note to forget about any personal R & R while they were docked at Omega. Not that he usually got any personal R & R when they were there. It was the last chance they would have to make sure the Welshman was in the best shape she – or he as Jack insisted his ship be referred to – could be in. "So… Anders?" he prompted.

"What do you know about him?"

Smeed shrugged, "What do we know about any of them?"

Jack shot him a look.

"I seen him loitering around the docks a few days… week maybe. Just this skinny, scared lookin' kid who seemed t'be working up the nerve to ask for a job. Didn't look like nobody'd touch him, but I kinda figured why, boy with looks like that. Finally, our last day there, he slinks over and asks if we need anything done… anything at all, he says. He's not looking for a contract, just a little day work."

"So why exactly did you offer him a contract?"

"I seem to remember… what, 'bout thirty years back…? A kid I knew had just got himself out of a bad spot. Not the same sort of bad spot… this kid wasn't half so cute as your Mr. Anders," he smirked. "But I seem to remember a certain Captain giving him a chance when nobody else would touch him."

"Thirty years ago the galaxy was a different place." Thirty years ago it was safe to take a chance on a kid with no experience and a couple of skeletons in his closet.

"It's only different now because people made it different, Jackie."

Jack stuffed his hands into his pockets. He knew that things would get better. He'd live to see it. Smeed wouldn't. None of his crew would, in fact.

It was going to take another three centuries before the Human Empire caught up with itself and finally became both Great and Bountiful… just in time to be torn apart by civil war.

"What's this really about?" Smeed wanted to know.

"Nothing."

The other man gave him a look that clearly said he didn't believe him.

"Nothing I can't handle," Jack amended with a smirk.

"Now that worries me."

The Captain chuckled, "Don't let it. And for the record, you weren't so bad looking way back when."

"Flattery, my friend, will get you everywhere."

"I know," he winked, sauntering towards his quarters.

………………………………………………….

Kam stared out at the stars; he'd forgotten that on some of the upper decks, even on lowly F-class transports, there were windows allowing a view of space. It was beautiful.

And this far from the constant buzz and clang of the engines, it was peaceful as well. Quiet.

He leant his head against the cool, clear barrier between himself and the infinity of space. It made him feel so small… all those stars. All those worlds… all those people… he was barely a speck.

They were all just specks.

He closed his eyes and wondered if somewhere out there, there really might be a speck with blue eyes and strong arms who would hold him tight, make him feel safe… loved… his chest heaved under the familiar weight of loneliness.

No one wanted someone like him, someone so thoroughly used up.

Just the same, he couldn't get the Captain's blue eyes out of his head… when he wasn't yelling at him, he was incredibly good looking… he had a fantastic smile.

But he couldn't afford that day dream, either. A man like Captain Harkness would want him for one thing and one thing only. It wasn't unappealing, but if word got around that he was nothing more than a Captain's pet, he would never get another contract, never get a permanent position.

The only chance he had at real freedom was to do his job, beg Mr. Smeed for a Letter. Get the tattoos removed. Find some backwater planet where he could settle in, find employment. Maybe then he could think about men with blue eyes…

……………………………………………………………

Although he knew he shouldn't be there, Kam found himself spending more of his off-duty time on the upper decks. It seemed as if no one really went there. He could get away from Fletcher, read his books, watch the stars and just be.

He only owned two books. Real books. His mother had given him one of them; he'd managed to hang onto it all this time. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz it was called.

The other was one of those trashy romances where the Dashing (rich) Hero swoops in and saves the Beautiful Boy from a life of destitution and misery… it was utterly unrealistic, but he loved it because it was his, purchased with his own money and read over and over until he feared the pages might fall out.

Tonight, however, it was him and Dorothy watching the stars go by... watching Omega Station grow ever larger as the Bonny Welshman approached it.

He knew they'd be stopping there to refuel and replenishing supplies. The Captain would likely give the crew a day or two of shore leave while final repairs were made on the ship. Especially after that incident with the magnetic field.

He felt his cheeks grow flush, remembering rolling around the floor with the Captain. And in the corridor afterwards… he couldn't believe he'd had the nerve to say what he'd said… the words just sprang out of his mouth… Kam shook himself and went back to his book. He knew better than to have daydreams that involved a man like Captain Harkness.

He became so engrossed in the story, despite the fact that he'd read it a million times at least, that he didn't hear the sound of footfalls in the corridor…

Jack stopped in his tracks when he rounded the corner and saw the young man sitting cross legged on the floor with a book in his lap and his back propped up against a wall. Just like that statement from a few days ago, the image brought back a flood of memories…

Christmas. He was sure it had been Christmas…

Why had he found Ianto sitting in a bookstore on Christmas?

Not on Christmas, he remembered, then. Near Christmas… Christmas shopping… Gwen… Toshiko… Owen… names without faces in his memory.

He was buying Christmas gifts… an antiquated practice… he hadn't bought Christmas gifts in over three hundred years.

But he remembered finding Ianto sitting on the floor in some bookshop, looking like a big kid with this book in his lap. Looking just like Anders was now.

It's a lovely tie, thank you Sir… he could almost hear those beautiful Welsh vowels.

Almost.

But he hadn't gotten his Welshman a tie, the tie was just ruse so he could surprise him later, in private. He'd gotten him that book, the one he'd been looking at that he could never have afforded on his own. Jack gave it to Ianto's niece after he died…

Without really realizing what he was doing, he reached up and touched the rings he still wore on a chain around his neck… I will always love you. I will never forget you.

"Don't forget to empty the bins," Jack whispered aloud, in English, completely without meaning to.

He'd kept his promise to Ianto, there had been other loves in his long life, but none of them had affected him quite the way his beautiful Welshman had.

The sound of Jack's whisper in the dimly lit corridor made Kam jump… it probably hadn't helped that he was right to where the Witch had Dorothy cornered.

As soon as he realized it was the Captain he scrambled to his feet, eyes saucer-wide. "Sir! I can explain!" He bit his lower lip so hard it almost bled. He didn't belong here and he had no idea what the punishment was for being where he didn't belong.

He couldn't afford a dock in his pay, not if he wanted to get the tattoos removed… but he knew he'd be lucky if that was the worst he got. He'd heard stories of the kinds of things Captains did. Aboard his own ship, the Captain was God.

"I think I can see for myself what you were doing," the Captain closed the distance between them wearing an expression Kam couldn't read.

"I swear… I wasn't…" wasn't what? Doing anything? Just sneaking around where he didn't belong. "I didn't mean any harm, Sir, honestly."

Lucky to have a bed at all… lucky to have the clothes on your back… lucky to have three meals a day… words from his past drifted through Kam's mind over the pounding of his heart in his ears… all the things he'd been told about how lucky he was to be Serving in the Red House. How grateful he should be.

All had to do was please the clients and stay in his room where he belonged. Seen, not heard, and seen only rarely.

Jack eyed him a moment. "May I?" he asked of the book.

A frightened expression crossed the young man's already panic-stricken face, but he handed it over without question. "It's just… it's nothing… I'm sorry, Sir." His gaze fell to the textured metal floor between them.

Jack couldn't help his smile when he saw the faded cover. Read the title. "You like old books, huh?"

Kam swallowed. "I… my… I've had it a long time, Sir," he floundered. "I really don't know how old it is, Sir."

"Originally published on Earth, in the year 1900," Jack told him as he returned it. He noted look of relief that came over the young man when he had the book – clearly a treasured possession – back in his hands.

"You won't catch me up here again, Sir, I promise," he said softly, clutching the book tightly in his hands.

Jack shrugged. "No reason you shouldn't come up here."

"Sir?" he looked up at the Captain in surprise.

"There's a difference between unused and restricted," he flashed a smirk. "Although if like old books, you should come by my quarters sometime," his tone remained friendly.

The younger man's gaze left the Captain's face as he tried desperately to come up with an appropriate response. It was a blatant proposition… wasn't it? How did he get out of it without insulting the Captain? Or if he said no… he swallowed hard, remembering his first encounter with Fletcher. No wasn't an option.

This wasn't some crewman, this was the Captain. Harkness could leave him at Omega Station… or worse.

"I've got a few old books myself," Jack clarified his invitation. "I really don't bite, Mr. Anders. At least not unless you ask real nice." He didn't realize that what he'd intended as a good natured wink only made the younger more uncomfortable.

……………………………………………………………….

As Kam followed the Captain back to his cabin, he felt his mouth going dry and his palms starting to sweat. He tried to tell himself this could be a good thing. If the Captain had taken a sincere interest in him (sincere being an entirely relevant term, of course), he might be able to get away from Fletcher.

But Mr. Smeed had warned him to do his job and stay out of the Captain's way. Was this what he'd really been warning him about? Was the Captain one of those who didn't like to look at his 'indiscretions' afterwards… or was it Smeed who was intolerant of crewmen who tried to get above themselves?

Besides, what makes me think I'm so special that he'll care who else uses me, anyway? Kam asked himself. Even if neither the Captain nor Mr. Smeed cared what the Captain did on his own time, the Captain wouldn't care about what Fletcher was doing to him. Harkness would take what he wanted and then send him on his way. That was just the way things worked.

Kam swallowed back the cotton in his mouth as the Captain opened his Cabin door and politely stepped aside, inviting him to go in first. It was an odd courtesy, but he complied, slipping into old habits, looking for cues as to what the client expected of him. At the very least, he owed his Captain something better than automatically going through the motions.

"Have a seat," the older man's tone remained congenial.

Polite. Kam forced a smile and chose the settee so the Captain could sit next to him, if he wanted to. He set his book down on the coffee table in front to it and took a moment to glance around.

The Captain's quarters appeared to consist of a sitting room with a bedroom beyond; the door was closed. There was another door that doubtless led to the Captain's shower.

The sitting room was… cozy, he decided was the right word. The settee was old… brown. Soft. There were two chairs to match. A couple of mis-matched tables heaped with papers and junk. And the Captain hadn't been lying about the books. Shelves lining two walls were filled with them. It must have been a mess that day they went through the magnetic field. "It looks like you were able to get things restored to some order, Sir," he observed politely.

"Hmmm…? Oh yeah," Jack smiled. "No thanks to your fine flying." His tone was ripe with sarcasm.

Kam blushed, but he was pretty sure it was a joke. The Captain's manner could shift from unforgiving to affable entirely too easily. It would be best to stay on the affable side, he decided.

"Would you like a drink?" the Captain asked. "Brandy… Scotch?"

"I… really don't drink, Sir." Servers weren't supposed to drink. Alcohol clouded the mind.

Jack set the decanter back down. "Tea?" he offered instead.

"Thank you, Sir."

Unsure whether or not that was really a yes, Jack set the kettle to 'on'. Sometimes it surprised him the things that didn't change… people still drank tea. Still used electric kettles to heat the water. He pulled a couple of mugs out of the cabinet and fished around until he found the little tin of tea. "I'm afraid I don't have too many choices," he said of the teabags.

"Whatever you're drinking is fine with me, Sir."

"The door's closed."

Kam blinked up at him. Did that mean the Captain expected… what? So far the motions he was going through were polite… was he trying to say he wanted something else? "Sir?" he hated to have to ask, but surly the Captain wouldn't object to giving him a little direction.

He turned around, his smile completely unreadable. "You don't have to end every sentence in the word 'sir.'"

Affable… Kam let out the breath he was barely aware that he was holding. Like in the showers, when the Captain had handed him a towel. And his quarters. Cozy. Friendly.

And suddenly those blue eyes looking down at him… he swallowed and forced a smile as he took the mug of hot water.

"Take your pick," Jack set the tin down on the coffee table.

"Thank you Si… I mean thank you," he corrected himself.

The Captain chuckled softly, but Kam was certain it wasn't an unkind laugh. He made a quick survey of the tea… orange jasmine. He almost smiled for real. He completely missed the expression on the Captain's face as he opened the small foil and plopped the white paper teabag into his mug. The aroma brought back so many happy memories…

Jack reached in and took the same for himself. It wasn't his favourite, but it reminded him so much of… he shook himself.

A couple of stupid coincidences didn't mean anything. Besides, the only other tea he had on hand was a strong black tea from Adonia. Given the choices, orange jasmine would be any sane person's first pick. "Milk and sugar?" he asked.

"I… don't want to be a bother."

"No bother. Sit tight… or feel free have a look around," he nodded towards the bookcases. He supposed leaving a crewman unsupervised in his cabin could be construed as a huge lapse in judgment. But it wouldn't take more than a few minutes to slip down to the mess for milk and sugar. And really, what could Anders possibly get into?

Kam sat for a moment, letting the scent of the steeping tea comfort him. He closed his eyes and could almost see his mother's face…

He set the mug down. It didn't appear as if the Captain believed in coasters. There were several dozen overlapping mug-rings on the table already. The man would definitely never win any awards for neatness…

He walked over to the bookshelf. After all, the books were the ruse the Captain had used to get him here. It was odd ruse. The Captain could have just ordered him, he was the Captain. He was God on his ship. But he seemed to want to make this into some sort of polite seduction.

And those eyes… Kam hugged himself thinking about those eyes… the warmth of his dream filled him…

Don't do it, he told himself. In the Red House he could indulge in his own fantasies, if only for a bit, but out here everything was different. There was no protection. If he made one mistake, even a small one, the Captain could void his contract and dump him off anywhere.

But that was the price of freedom. It was the risk he had to take if he ever wanted a life that was truly his own.