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chapter forty-six
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i know it's been a long road
to get these fears behind me and i
will gladly reap what we may sow i am
there for you and you're there for me
-Vertical Horizon, "Heart in Hand"
xx
September 12, 2003
4:00 pm
"Hey you. Big plans this weekend?" Naomi smirked, long dark hair falling in her face as she leaned over Sam's shoulder. The countdown to the end of the week was on, and Sam was trying to finish up her last report before heading out to meet Martin for dinner across town.
Sam laughed and craned her head upward, cocking her eyebrows at Naomi suggestively. "Maybe," she replied.
"Oh come on," Naomi laughed, shifting to lean against the edge of the desk. "I can't live vicariously through you if you don't give me anything to go on. And you ran off before I could snag you for lunch, so I'm going to corner you now."
Sam shook her head bemusedly. "I had lunch with my mom before she had to catch her flight back to Kenosha," she explained. Her mother had a late afternoon flight that day and did not need to be at La Guardia until 2:30, so Sam met her at a small café a few blocks away from the Federal Building to have a late lunch. She was still adjusting to the new woman that Betsy had become, but she found an instant comfort in being able to confide in her mother in a way that she never had before.
xx
Sam took a long sip of her water and stared across the table to where her mother was eating her salad. Sam put the glass down on the table, ice cubes clinking against the side of the glass, and she said, "So, I was thinking about when I could come to Kenosha to visit." Betsy looked up and nodded her head to signal that she was listening, so Sam continued. "I can't get any time off before Thanksgiving, but I could probably fly down that Wednesday and spend a few days there before I would have to come back."
Betsy rewarded her with a smile that could have lit up the entire city. "I would really like that, sweetie, and I know that Charles has been dying to meet you." Betsy paused for a second to chew, working her jaw in deep concentration as her expression fell.
"What is it?" Sam asked, confused.
"Nothing," Betsy replied quickly. "I really want you to come, but I think you should know that Lindsey will be there... It's entirely up to you."
Sam shrugged, trying to relax her posture and seem nonchalant. "We're going to have to see each other sometime, aren't we? We can't stay mad at each other forever."
Betsy smiled and lifted her glass to her lips. "It's good to see how much you've grown, Samantha," she commented. "Lindsey has, too. I can't wait to have my whole family back together again."
Betsy reached out across the table to hold her hand, and Sam smiled back at her mother.
"I really like Martin," Betsy said after a short pause. "He's a good man, Sam; much better for you than Kevin."
Sam shrugged, recoiling slightly at the mention of her ex-husband. "I think that much should be obvious," she replied casually.
"Samantha," Betsy pleaded softly. "You know I didn't mean it like that. All I meant was that he is really good for you. I don't want your past or me or even your father to hold you down. I want you to have all of the good things in this world, Samantha, and he is one of them. He's a good man, an upstanding citizen, and he obviously adores you."
Sam lowered her eyes, feeling a flush rise up on her cheeks. She inhaled deeply and whispered, "I'm pretty crazy about him, too."
xx
Sam and her mother spent the next half hour talking about Martin and Charles and making plans for Thanksgiving. In spite of herself, Sam felt herself feeling excited about going home to Kenosha to visit for the holiday weekend. It had been a long time since she felt so comfortable and happy around her family and, especially after being a part of Martin's family, she did not want that feeling to end.
Naomi tapped Sam on the shoulder twice, staring down at her with a curious gaze and a smirk playing at her lips. "So I take it that your mother's surprise visit went okay, then?" she asked.
"Yeah, it was nice to see her again," Sam answered, leaning back against her chair. "She's getting remarried sometime soon, and she asked me to be in the wedding party. I'm going to Kenosha over Thanksgiving to meet her fiancé."
"Wow," Naomi waved her hand in gesture as she replied. "You Spades don't do anything by halves, do you?"
Sam laughed in spite of herself. "No, not if we can help it."
Her laughter, however, was interrupted by the familiar buzzing of her cell phone. She held her hand up to signal to Naomi that she needed to answer this, flipped open her phone, and hit the 'Talk' button.
"Spade," she answered with her usual monosyllabic work reply.
"Samantha?" the voice on the other end of the line broke softly and sniffled, giving Sam the impression that whomever it was had been crying recently. "It's... it's me, Caroline."
"Caroline?" Sam answered quickly, her heart racing. She did not know what Caroline was calling about, but whatever it was could not be good. "Are you alright? Is something wrong?"
There was silence at the other end of the line, and Sam's heart suddenly stopped racing and instead seemed to dive deep down into her stomach. What could possibly be going on?
"Caroline?" she insisted once again, and she did not care if anyone else was eavesdropping.
"It's..." Caroline's voice broke once again. "You haven't talked to Martin this afternoon, have you?"
"No," Sam replied. "You're really scaring me. What's wrong? Is he okay?"
"Yeah, he's fine," Caroline answered. "It's Aunt Bonnie. She hasn't been feeling well recently, and she went to the doctors to get it checked out. They ran a couple labs that are actually still pending, but she went yesterday for her mammogram and got her answer."
"Oh," Sam whispered, her breath catching in her throat. "Oh Caroline, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say."
On the other end of the line, she could hear Caroline sniffle again and she made out Tim's voice as he asked her if she was alright. "Martin didn't take the news too well," Caroline said finally. "He ran off. I had hoped he went off to find you, but I guess not."
"I haven't heard from him," Sam replied, her mind already working at warp speed to process this new information. She quickly ran through all of the possibilities of where he might be, assuming that he probably wanted to be by himself right now but knowing that being alone was probably the worst thing for him. "I'll let you know if I hear from him though."
"Thanks, Samantha," Caroline answered, sounding defeated and completely numb. "Aunt Bonnie is so important to all of us, but Marty especially... I just worry about him and how he's taking all of this. We still don't know how progressed the cancer is, but her doctors sound hopeful. I'll have a better idea when she lets me read the pathology report."
"Yeah," Sam agreed breathlessly, still trying to grapple with everything Caroline had told her. She knew how much Bonnie meant to Martin's entire family and felt immensely sad having only met the woman a few times. She could not even begin to imagine what Martin and his sisters must be feeling right now, with Bonnie's future suddenly uncertain.
She and Caroline exchanged quiet goodbyes, both promising to call if they talked to Martin, and they ended their call. Sam flipped her phone shut and sank back into her chair in utter defeat.
She knew she would do almost anything for Martin, but this was one case where no matter what she did, she would be absolutely helpless. The only thing she could do was be there for him in whatever capacity he allowed her to be, and that meant she would have to find him first.
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4:45 pm
After hanging up with Caroline, Sam had raced out of the office with barely so much as a word to her colleagues as to where she was going. She repeatedly tried to reach Martin on his cell phone, which went straight over to voice mail because he had turned it off. She then tried his land line here in New York, which was off the hook. She then knew that he must have gone to his own home to try to escape from the bitter reality or to at least have some time by himself to process Bonnie's diagnosis.
She parked her car behind his in the driveway and waved in the general direction of the secret service agents sitting in the car across the street. She took the front steps two by two and immediately pounded her fist on the front door when she arrived at the top. "Martin!" she called out. "Martin!"
When there was no answer, she pulled out her keys and found the house key he had given her when she gave him a copy of the key to her apartment. The keys clinked together when she finally retrieved the correct one and opened the lock with ease, pushing against the heavy oak front door with her shoulder to open it.
She dropped her keys and her coat at the side of the door, not caring where they landed, and quickly ambled up the stairs and into his room. She found him lying on his side on his bed with his back to the door, and she softly said his name before coming to lie behind him on the bed, wrapping one arm around his shoulder and leaning over to kiss him softly along his hairline. "Caroline told me," she murmured quietly. "I'm so sorry."
He turned over so that he was facing her and released a heavy breath, his eyes red and blotchy from crying. He shook his head in quiet despair, and she had never seen his usually bright and animated face appear so desolate and hopeless. She tugged on his hand and brought him so that his head rested on her shoulder, wrapping both arms around him now. When she kissed the top of his head, the floodgates opened once again and he started to sob in earnest against her.
Sam felt her heart break at the sound of his tears, finally understanding what Vivian once told her a long time ago, when she had first started seeing Jack. Vivian said that when you are really in love you would give up your own happiness if it meant that you could take some of that other person's pain away. At the time, she had nodded politely and told herself that was what she had with Jack, and she had never given Vivian's words another thought. Now, though, Vivian's words came back to her with a new, decisive meaning that she had never been able to grasp before.
But as much as she wanted to do anything to lessen his grief, even just a little, she felt complete and utterly helpless. So she did the only thing she could: she rubbed soothing circles on his back and murmured soft words in his ear, and she held him while he cried.
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