Welcome to the New Administration!!
I miss Trapped Rabbit. She's gone away for a while, so this chapter is vulgar and unedited.
Anyway, when we last left off Lily and James were stuck together, and had achieved detention, Evey and Sirius had also incurred a similar fate because Mr. Newton is a fag.
Oh and I have a theme song:
About a girl - The Academy is…
I would like to rape William Beckett.
But that's another chapter.
Beta read by TRAPPED RABBIT
James' Potter is practically in heaven…
… despite the fact that McGonagall is glaring and shouting at the same time, which is doing nothing for her complexion.
I do believe that I have a Lily Evans on my arm, which, despite my previous best efforts, has never happened before.
Remind me to thank Eveleen for this later or Sirius…
Either one will do.
I can feel it when she moves and it's quite pleasant, like gliding when she moves her arms and mine goes with it. sigh
However, this does mean that I have to do detention with her tonight despite, for once, doing nothing wrong.
This, however, is a small price to pay, for the chance to make her love me.
"THAT IS IT EVANS! DON'T LET ME FIND YOU BEING MEAN TO THE NEW TEACHER EVER AGAIN, OR ELSE I WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE AWAY YOUR HEAD GIRL STATUS. And Potter, though touching that you find yourself and Evans inseparable you should maybe let her deal with her trouble alone."
Wow, record time. 1 hour and 38 minutes.
--
Once outside of McGonagall's office Lily whispers, quite urgently too, something that I cannot hear.
"I'm sorry, my sweet-pea of a concubine, I did not hear what it was that you said too clearly… would you mind repeating that louder?"
"I NEED TO PEE, POTTER!"
Oh…
Oh dear.
Oh dear Merlin's Technicolor trousers.
"I can't go into the girl's bathroom with you. Myrtle is there!"
"Myrtle is the least of your problems, James, if you don't get me to a bathroom."
She's super hot when she's all demanding.
"But Lily…"
yank
"Ouch."
"Shut up, Potter."
We now turn to a very, very desperate Lily Evans:
Oh. My. God.
Oh. My. Furry. God.
This is forcing me to face the horrors I didn't have to before.
What happens when it's time for bed?
Oh GOD.
I TALK IN MY SLEEP.
And I'm fairly sure James Potter will try to grope me.
Excuse me whilst I go and kill myself.
After I get to the bathroom.
This is indeed another horror.
James Potter will have to go to the bathroom with me.
"JAMES! STAY THE HELL OUTSIDE!"
"Lily, I can't!"
"You bloody well can, or else I'm going to sever off your arm, shove it down your throat and make you stay out."
"But Myrtle is out here. She's trying to molest me."
"Oh my God."
Creepy, creepy, horny ghost, hitting on myarm companion.
"I don't care if she molests you. Because she's a ghost, it's only a little bit uncomfortable where as I am a lot uncomfortable."
James Potter is currently being molested by a ghost:
"Um, Lily, could you by any chance hurry up?"
Although being stuck to Lily had its advantages, like getting to be next to my favourite red-head for a sustainable amount of time; this was not one of them.
Myrtle kind of had a thing for me since I used to use the prefect's bathroom. Let's just say she liked little James.
Also known as Pink Floyd.
And being raped by a ghost whilst stuck by your sleeve through the tiniest niche in a toilet cubicle is extremely uncomfortable.
And cold.
Let's just say, Pink Floyd does not care for…
Let's just say he "shrinks" away from such experiences.
But, to look on the bright side, whilst being raped… it does smell nicer in here than in the boy's toilets.
Kind of like lavender…
Not that I know what that smells like. I mean, I'm like totally manly. I like monster trucks.
"OH, THANK YOU GOD!"
She's finished, finished, finished.
Joy dances are fun.
Not when Myrtle is not letting go though.
"Get off my Arm Companion, Myrtle."
"Oh, I see how it is; living girls get all the fun."
"I'll trade places with you if you want…. You can be eternally stuck to James Potter and I can be dead. I say it's a fair trade off."
"Are… you… making… fun… of… the…" giant heaving sob "fact… I'm…. DEAD!?"
Myrtle always did know how to make an exit; and apparently loos are the new "dignified" way to leave a conversation.
"You are going to have to help me wash my hands," she grumbles.
"Anything to touch your hands..."
Yeah, James, Smooth.
"I'm going to overlook that you said that."
To the sink…
Turning on the water wasn't difficult.
Rubbing the soap onto her hands was like rubbing oil onto a whale back.
Oh come on Potter, you can think of a sexier analogy than that.
Like… baby seals rubbing up against each other.
Ugh, who are you kidding, you anti-lothario? You got nothing.
It was nice. She had really soft hands. They were like…
No.
I'm just going to give up now.
"Alright, let's go to detention Potter."
"Yes, Let us continue onwards, my fair Lady."
Sirius Black, Detention should probably just be a full time class for him:
Ah, I could have sworn I was cleaning the trophy room just last week.
Actually, I was. Usually I only have to do this room once a month. I should be getting paid more than Filch.
Some little git has thrown up everywhere.
This is horrible…
This is worse than the time Peter threw up after a big night out at Hogsmeade.
Oh, Oh dear.
This is even worse than when Peter then preceded to take off his pants.
"Blondie, maybe you shouldn't be coming in here… it's kind of gross."
"Whatever it is… I'm sure I can handle it…
…
Oh. My. God.
EW!
I think I'm going to be sick"
"Sure, that'd help Blondie"
Filch's creepy silhouette framed the door.
"Wands away, you'll be doing this lot by hand." Insert little creepy arsehole of a snicker here. "Scrubbing brushes and bucket is right beside the door. I'll come back at midnight and see if it's done good enough."
Another creepy little snicker.
I hate it when that arsehole snickers.
I swear one day I'm going to knock that stupid fucking snicker out of his grotesque head and then squish it into this special services award that Tom Riddle constantly needs clean. Whoever Tome Riddle is, I'm rather sure I hate him.
"Can you stop plotting against filch and start scrubbing the fucking floors Blackie boy?" She scowled in my general direction. "This is your entire fault."
"Yes, sure it may be, but I certainly enjoyed dancing with you… It's almost worth cleaning this wing."
I know, right, I really am charming; it's a curse that I manage to still be charming in amongst all this puke.
Lily Evans:
Sleep time.
Or not so sleep time.
Kind of more like, stay awake and make sure that James Potter does not try to rape me.
Which at the moment he's doing a horrendous job of, by the way. And not that it helps that girls are only allowed in boys dorms, so I'm lying here trying to sleep surrounded by his stupid Marauder gits, aside from Remus, who I have a healthy respect for and Sirius, who is certainly not exempt from being called a git, but not here to be included in the plural.
Oh, and before you ask how detention went, it went fine. Expect for the fact that my quill hand is completely obscured by James' other arm. I am left handed and he is unfortunately attached until love does us part.
Oh Miss Draconis, I have not forgotten that you have condemned me to a lifetime of Potter, oh no I haven't.
And you will pay severely.
But, back to the point:
So basically, it's just Remus, James and Peter here:
In which Peter is the only git.
Git is too mild a word for James.
Supreme Wanker and male concubine fits better.
I'm going to cut off his balls,
After I talk to Remus.
"Remus! Reeeeeeeeeeemus!" I beckon, like an angel awakening a mortal from sleep.
"Reeeeeeeeeeeeeemus!"
Honestly, how can the werewolf not hear me?
"REMUS LUPIN!"
And for a second I'm kind of scared that I woke James, but am instantly reassured by a startling snore that the aforementioned boy gave out.
However, Remus was awake, now.
"Yes Lily?" He asked wearily, rubbing his eyes and looking as though he wanted to sink back in the pillows.
Sink? Away from me?
"REMUS"
"I think that you've said my names four times now, what on earth you want."
"I want James off me."
"Do you really want James off you?"
"What kind of a stupid question is that? Of course I want him off me. He's repulsive."
"Lily, if you really wanted him off you, then you would have woken him up. You wanted me to talk to you about how much you really like James…"
Well, that cut a little close to the bone.
"The best I have to say for that boy is that he has quite endearing hair, and he looks manly in sweater vests."
I nod, as though I cannot possibly be disproven.
Remus arches an eyebrow.
"Seriously Lil, You fancy the frilly underwear off him."
Oh seriously, stupid werewolf persistence is obviously not going to give up.
Time to pull out the big guns.
Bigger than Paul Newman's guns in that Western movie my sister fawns over.
"Remus." I say seriously. "I want your children."
"Uh….. Lils, I don't think I could do that to James."
"Remmmmus!" I want your children: They shall be wolfy and smart and have red hair."
"Lily… you're attractive… but…"
"But what, Remus?"
I say, convincingly and I'm a little bit hurt that he hasn't immediately consented to having my children, but that is a little beside the point.
Remus looks sufficiently embarrassed.
"I'm kidding Remus, you may go back to sleep."
He looks so relieved that he dropped the subject and is now emitting faint snores.
Ay me.
It was that point that Sirius burst into the room, completely too inebriated to notice I was awake.
And you'll find out what happened to Sirius and why he is completely of his face next chapter.
In the meantime, please review.
Hugs to my thugs
xx