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forty-eight
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my red is so confident that he flashes
trophies of war and ribbons of euphoria
orange is young, full of daring
but very unsteady for the first go around
my yellow in this case is not so mellow
in fact i'm trying to say it's frightened like me
and all these emotions of mine keep holding me from
giving my life to a rainbow like you
-John Mayer, "Bold as Love"
xx
December 1, 2003
8:55 am
Sam leaned back in her desk chair and brought her coffee mug to her lips, sipping the warm liquid contentedly in spite of her exhaustion. Her connecting flight out of Detroit last night had been delayed, causing her layover in the airport to be extended far longer than she anticipated, but in spite of her late arrival in New York last night, Sam knew the trip to Kenosha had been worth her time.
Her mother's fiancé Charles seemed to be a polar opposite of what she remembered of her father. Charles was tall and lanky, with red hair and green eyes. He raised his son Trent on his own after his first wife died suddenly in a car accident when Trent was only sixteen months old, and he seemed genuinely interested in both Lindsey and herself. As someone who had neither seen nor heard from her biological father in over twenty-five years, the fact that Charles cared enough to ask about her work and her life in New York meant more than she could put into words.
Her real worry going into this weekend, however, had been what would happen when she saw her older sister Lindsey for the first time in over twelve years. She had no idea what to expect, and at first it had definitely been awkward and uncomfortable. But Thanksgiving night after the table had been cleared and the dishes washed, Lindsey approached her as she sat out on the back porch of her mother's new home and they began the slow but steady process of reconciliation.
xx
Behind her, Sam heard the back door of the house creak open and shut again. She craned her neck around and saw her sister Lindsey's form come into view in the corner of her eye. The plastic deck chair scraped against the wood surface of the porch as Lindsey pulled the chair closer, sitting down and pulling her knees up to her chest much like they had often done when they were children together sitting outside on the picnic tables in the trailer park.
"Hey, Sammy," Lindsey said softly, running one hand through her long dirty blonde hair.
"Hey, Linds." She coughed, suddenly unable to find her voice.
"Remember how you used to beg Mom to take you out to catch fireflies every night?" Lindsey gestured broadly towards the darkness that spanned across the yard. "We were both so afraid of the dark, but you were the only one who ever did anything about it."
Sam smiled almost inadvertently, remembering the days when she would beg her mother for five more minutes outside and enough time to catch just a few fireflies to light their room at night.
"We used to be so close," Lindsey whispered, her breath catching and her voice full of emotion. "I'm sorry I changed that." Lindsey paused for a moment, but Sam sensed she still had something she needed to get out. Lindsey closed her eyes and lowered her face. "I didn't really mean what I said the day I moved out, you know."
Sam frowned, not particularly wanting to dwell on the harsh, accusatory words that she felt were best left in the past. "I do now," she replied.
"I mean it." Lindsey leaned forward and the chair creaked beneath her. "I was pissed off at life in general and I took it out on you and Mom, and I shouldn't have. And then I apologized to Mom years ago, but I always kept putting off coming to you."
Sam chewed thoughtfully on her lower lip and brought her knees up to her chest, mimicking the sitting position that her sister was in. "You left me alone with Mom," she replied. Tilting her neck until she met Lindsey's eyes, she repeated the sentiment, "I had nobody after you left."
"I know, and I'm sorry." Lindsey reached out and tentatively ran one hand along Sam's forearm. Dropping her hand back to her side nervously, she offered, "I was hoping that we could work on being friends again, and maybe someday you can forgive me?"
Lindsey gave her a half smile, one eyebrow cocked, and it was all Sam could do to fight laughter at the goofy look on her sister's face. She thought long and hard, remembering how much she used to rely on her sister and how more and more, seeing Martin and his sisters and cousins together made her miss that closeness she and Lindsey used to share. And she had her answer.
"I think we can work on that," she released a soft laugh. She threw her shoulders back and moistened her lips with her tongue. "I'm still mad at you though," she added.
"That's your prerogative," Lindsey agreed, then added, "Besides, you wouldn't be a true Spade woman if you gave up on a grudge that easily."
Sam nodded, her head to one side. "That's true," she agreed.
They both laughed.
xx
Things were not perfect between herself and Lindsey yet, but they were well on their way to rebuilding their relationship. Lindsey had moved to Columbus, Ohio several years prior and now taught English at a university. They promised to exchange emails and phone calls more frequently, and Lindsey even suggested that she come to New York to visit sometime during the universities long winter break.
Sam actually was not sure, from the times they had spoken on the phone, whether she or Martin happened to be more pleased with the way her weekend in Kenosha and reconciliation with her family had gone.
Sam turned around as she heard the door of Jack's office open and jar shut again. Jack strode purposefully towards her and threw his shoulders back as he said, "We had better get moving if we want to talk to Janine's manager before the store opens at 10:00."
"Okay." Sam ran one hand through her hair and stretched her arms as she rose from her desk. She tilted her neck to one side and studied his posture. "How was your Thanksgiving?" she asked.
"It was fine," he said, raising his hand in a dismissive fashion. He absent-mindedly adjusted the lapel on his suit jacket and said, "I had Kate and Hanna for the day, so I took them out for dinner. I wanted to make sure that they had a nice time."
Sam smiled. "You mean that you wanted to make sure they actually had something decent to eat?"
Jack grinned back sheepishly. "Guilty as charged." He began to make his way towards the elevators, but paused for a moment and motioned for her to step in front of him. "Maria always handled all of that," he added, his tone somewhat wistful and apologetic.
Sam stretched out her arm and depressed the elevator call button. Turning back to Jack and catching his eyes she said, "I'm glad you and the girls had a good time together this weekend."
"We did," he agreed. Sighing heavily, he added, "Of course, because Maria and I agreed to trade off on holidays, this means that she has them for Christmas."
"That's too bad." Sam folded her arms close to her chest.
"It's best for the girls this way," he commented, clenching his jaw with a frown. "At least Maria and I could settle everything outside of court."
Unsure of how to respond to this, Sam nodded solemnly and remained silent. She knew that Jack and Maria had settled everything between themselves but, having neither the time nor interest in the details of Jack's divorce settlements, she knew very little of the specifics outside of the few mentions Jack made of the weekends he had custody of Hanna and Kate.
The ding of the elevator announced its arrival, and the doors slid open. Sam stepped inside the empty elevator car and leaned back against the wall opposite from Jack.
"I guess it's not really a problem that I don't have the girls for Christmas though," Jack added as he pressed the button for the parking garage and the elevator car began its descent. "Even if we're never needed, someone has to take call and it might as well be me since I have nowhere else to be."
Sam lowered her eyes as Jack said this in an effort to avoid his intense stare. She was well accustomed to the self-deprecation in Jack's tone; he frequently used similar tactics when trying to draw information out of suspects. And while she was trying to be more open with her colleagues and friends about her relationship with Martin, she felt it was neither the appropriate time nor place to discuss with Jack her plans to spend the Christmas holiday in Washington with Martin and his family. And furthermore, she did not feel entirely comfortable sharing the details of her current relationship with her former lover.
While she did worry about Jack and the dark melancholy that seemed permanently settled over him these days, it was not - and had never been - her place to be the one to "save" him like she once thought it had been. The only person who could fix Jack was Jack himself; finally settled with this knowledge, Sam found it far easier to be just his friend and colleague. She had new priorities now, and she found all this simultaneously confusing and exhilarating.
And she was not the only person who seemed to notice the changes that had come over her recently.
xx
Sam leaned forward against the iron railing, hair falling in her face as she gazed down at the city below. She felt a sense of calm settle over her, content with the outcome of their last case: a young businessman had disappeared from his office at the Wall Street Stock Exchange just three days before his wedding, and they managed to track him down to one of the local hospitals quickly. The young man was a new onset diabetic who did not yet have his insulin regimen under control; he had simply passed out while on his lunch break and, having dropped his wallet, was not able to be identified by the paramedics. She and Vivian had been at the hospital when he was reunited with his fiancée, and the happy reunion struck a chord deep within her. They rarely had cases with such good outcomes that she could not help herself.
After all, she learned early on in her time in Missing Persons that you have to relish the happy endings because they are few and far between.
"I thought I might find you out here."
Sam's head whipped around as she heard the click of heels and Vivian joined her outside on the balcony.
"Do we have a new case already?" Sam frowned. She had been hoping the rest of the day would be quiet so that she could slip out early; Caroline had called her up and invited her to dinner, and she wanted to go. It had been a few weeks since she had seen Martin's oldest sister, and she found herself thoroughly enjoying their friendship. It was another link she had to Martin since they were so often separated.
"No, nothing new has come in yet. Thank God." Vivian smiled and strode over to Sam's side. "Today has been a good day; I don't want to jinx it."
"Definitely." Sam smiled, agreeing easily. "We don't have enough days like today. It's encouraging to think the world isn't completely full of criminals and psychopaths."
Vivian laughed. "And even then, it's not so often that we get to reunite people who actually want to be together. Usually when someone's running away, it's for a reason."
"Elizabeth was so worried he had gotten cold feet," Sam commented, remembering how the fiancée broke down in tears considering the possibility that their missing person, Daniel, wanted to back out of the wedding. She frowned, contemplating the many references to marriage that had risen in her life recently. First Martin, asking about her first husband and confirming her suspicions that he saw marriage as something in his future. Then her mother, meeting someone after all these years and preparing to spend the rest of her life with him. Finally this case, their missing person and his fiancée. It seemed the entire world was pressuring her into reconsidering something she firmly swore never to be a part of.
The biggest problem was, though, she was not entirely sure what she felt anymore.
Turning to Vivian, she asked, "How do you do it?"
"Do what?" Vivian replied, eyebrows raised curiously.
"Marriage. Balancing out being a wife, a mother, and an agent? Isn't it exhausting?"
"Sure. But it isn't a bad exhaustion." Off of Sam's confused expression, Vivian explained, "I was only 23 when I married Marcus. It's a big commitment to promise to love someone 'until death do us part,' but it's also the most rewarding thing I've ever done. This --" she motioned behind them to the office, "is all secondary. But I'm a better agent and a better person because I have Marcus and Reggie in my life."
"And it doesn't scare you, to know everything that can happen to Reggie that you have no control over?"
"It terrifies me," Vivian replied without hesitation. "But I can't let that fear run my life. Being a parent is all about being terrified that you're doing everything wrong, but loving your kid so unconditionally that you have to try anyway. There's no love more pure than the love of a mother for her child."
"What about Marcus?" Sam asked, feeling a sudden, unexplained rush of adrenaline pouring through her bloodstream. "How did you know so young that he was the one for you, for the rest of your life?"
"I don't mean to sound cliché," Vivian said. "But you just know. It feels different than with anyone else because you're both on the same wavelength." She paused, tilting her head to meet Sam's eyes. "I think I felt pretty similar to what you're feeling now, Samantha. You wear happiness extremely well."
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