Chapter 15

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Zhen's POV.

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It was a deadly sight, one that I had only seen in my nightmares. Seeing it unfold in reality was an entirely different story.

To have witnessed such a treachery with my own eyes was a thing I wouldn't soon forget. He had not even tried to defend himself, just stood there like the wretch he was with shock on his lying face.

It confused me, then, as to why he had shoved Bobbie away from him with such repulsion. Perhaps it was for show, because he knew I had been watching. Perhaps he still wanted to play us both.

Or perhaps it really had been against his will…

I didn't know what to believe. Just the simple fact that Declan's lips had rediscovered his ex's by whatever reason in the first place was enough to plunge my heart into the depths.

I found refuge in the nearby bathroom, but couldn't find the nerve to cry, though my eyes begged for it insistently. Agents could not cry. Emotion was not allowed.

Even still, I put my face over the toilet, feeling the intense need to vomit at any second. This rock at the pit of my stomach had no signs of leaving anytime soon, unless through regurgitation.

A pounding at the door made me jump.

"Zhen," I heard Declan's voice say my name. "You in there?"

I looked at myself in the mirror. This was foolishness, getting so upset over a man. What was the matter with me? Had I really gotten so attached to him to be hurt this way?

"Open the door," he commanded, his tone composed with practiced serenity.

I was stupid for allowing it all to go this far. Perhaps his reassignment was the best for everyone.

That's when I threw up. I excused it away by telling myself it could only be an effect from the gas, but I didn't believe it. After I flushed the toilet, he knocked again.

"Zhen, are you alright?" he said in a lower voice, sounding genuinely concerned.

I wiped the tears off my face and fixed my hair. There was no way I was going to let him see me like this. To let him have that satisfaction of getting to me— there was no way in hell…

Once satisfied I looked completely presentable, I opened the door and faced Declan with an emotionless smirk.

"Of course I'm fine," I lied smoothly to the best of my acting abilities. He seemed rather stunned, in fact, at how well I seemed. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I, uh…" he stammered, not knowing what to say. "I thought…"

"Oh, you and Bobbie?" I said, continuing down the hall in a natural stride. "Glad for you. Don't worry though; I won't tattle."

He made a few more noises from his mouth in pure astonishment, but none in the form of words. I lifted a hand in the air to wave goodbye.

"No need to thank me, Declan, as always."

Finally he found words.

"Are you mad?" he spat out.

I stopped and turned to him, fully cool and collected.

"No, I'm not angry at all!" I replied with my phony cheer beginning to falter.

"No, that's not what I meant," he countered, walking up to me. "I mean, are you insane?"

I opened my mouth at his accusation but he didn't give me a chance to get a word in edgewise.

"Ya just saw me with my face on Roberta's… and all you can say is: 'I won't tattle'?"

I shifted my feet uncomfortably, wondering where Declan could get off confronting me about this.

"Again with the script direction, Declan!" I laughed back tears. "Is there something you're wanting me to say?"

He looked at me with disbelief and was silent for a moment.

"Well, yeah!" he said as if it was common knowledge, his anger rising at my mocking tone. "I should think it was quite obvious what I want you t' say!"

He began to storm off, leaving me in stunned silence, not waiting as I gathered my breath to speak. How did his mistake get turned on me was what I would like to know.

"How did your mistake get turned on me?" I asked aloud. At this, he turned back to me with a completely different look in his eyes. Was that… begging?

"Look, I'm sorry about that, okay?" he said regretfully. "Dear God, am I ever sorry… You have t' believe me when I say she threw herself at me… She did it because she knew it would break us, you understand?"

Somehow, I believed him fully and without a glimpse of doubt.

"Is there something to 'break', Declan?" I said in a low voice. He responded with a small, but very smug, grin.

"Why don't you ask the tear stains under yer eyes, huh?" he said as he lifted his hand to my face and slid his thumbs under my eyes gently, wiping away the wet lingering. I jerked my face away angrily from his tender hands, much to his bewilderment, and went on my way down the hall.

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The next morning, the computer monitor said the oxygen was finally clean enough to step outside. The doctor kept me around for a little while to do one more check up, gave me a few antibiotics, and sent me on my way. We found that some of the lower levels hadn't even been hit with the gas, but Brassel sent us home for the day anyway, telling us that we would be called back when things got back to order. On a normal day, I would've glad for a little time off, but for some reason the thought of going home to my empty apartment was just too unbearable to face.

Instead, I opted to help around the headquarters to clean up the mess and to help pack up files for evacuation. Heron informed us that thanks to Lucas finding where we were, we would be leaving for a new location in a few days.

The other confined hospital wing captives followed my example and stayed to help as well, all except for Bobbie who said she couldn't wait to sleep in her own bed again and Conroy who craved a 'real meal'.

We worked deep into the afternoon, until Heron set us off to our assigned rooms to pack our belongings there. It was only then I realized how few of belongings I really had.

But the sad part was, I had more personal belongings in my assigned room than I had in my own apartment.

I finished sooner than I had expected, so I decided to rest a bit on my bed. I had only meant to close my eyes for a few minutes, but instead awoke to the sound of a tapping at my door.

"Hey," Charles said as he poked his head in the room. "Sorry to wake ya, but we're all finished and they're lockin' up the place."

"Oh," I said in surprise when I glanced at my clock. "Wow, I didn't realize I slept so long. Tell them I'll be right out."

"Sure thing," he agreed and left me to it.

I grabbed my bag of things and headed down the hall to the elevators. As luck would have it, Declan was heading there as well.

Once there, he pressed the button for us both and we waited in uncomfortable silence. Suddenly I realized how very quiet it was. Almost everyone had already gone home and some of the lights around had been turned off, giving the dim fluorescents above us an eerie feel.

Declan kept glancing at me quickly and shamefully like it was illegal to do so. I refused to look him in the eye, but I could see him well enough out of my peripheral vision.

At last, the elevator dinged and we entered inside to a forced nearness. The elevators were not very spacious and Declan was wearing his large puffy green jacket that he always liked to wear. I thought it looked ridiculous on him and had told him so before, but still he insisted on wearing it.

"So…" he said to me, his voice echoing off the close walls. "Did you get enough sleep?" I kept my eyes fixed on the electronic numbers above the door that indicated what level we were on, wishing it would go faster. I answered him short and to the point.

"More than enough," I said. The numbers boasted of the seventh floor. Only nine more to go…

"So you're pretty well rested?" he went on.

This time I looked at him.

"I suppose," I said. "Why?"

Only six more to go…

"Oh," he shrugged it off like it was no big deal. "Luther, Charles and I were going to go out for a couple drinks, is all. You know, since we're on vacation tomorrow. I wanted to know if you wanted to tag along."

Five more to go. It was too long to avoid answering… and too long to answer negatively. The more I thought about it though, the more it seemed like an okay idea. It wasn't like I was going to be alone with him and the fact that we had a vacation day to sleep it off was a rare opportunity that was a shame to waste. Plus I still had that heavy reluctance to go back to my empty apartment just yet.

Four more to go. Declan looked at me with steady patience, awaiting my answer expectantly.

"Alright," I decided. "I'll meet you there."

He didn't have to explain where 'there' was, since there was only one pub the agents liked to hang out at. It was a local bar, a hole-in-the-wall kind of place where the people came to know us and where could sit comfortably at a table and not fear to be overheard.

He seemed overjoyed that I had agreed, though he tried his best to hide it for my sake.

After a few more moments the elevator finally opened and released me. We parted ways, each heading to our cars.

Once I got in the cab of my Audi, I sighed. That all too familiar feeling was creeping in on me again; that tense, excited feeling in my throat and chest. I took a few moments to suppress it. I was supposed to be angry at Declan for what he did, but my body seemed to be already forgetting it.

I put my keys into the ignition and started the car. The drive was short but I fought my rapidly beating heart and loss of breath the entire way. Once I parked in the lot of the pub, I realized it was useless to try and steady myself.

I pulled off my seatbelt and fished in my few packed boxes for a clean shirt. I spotted my white silk halter that I never wore. I had bought it a long time ago because it looked good on me. I had figured I'd wear it to a club. Unfortunately, there was never time for that sort of thing.

Until tonight.

I wondered if I should put it on now, to give it that chance it deserved. Did I really want to look good for him?

I grinned and grabbed the blouse excitedly. I shed my dirty black top and exchanged it for the white one. The chilled silk felt good against my warm skin. Then I checked my reflection in the rearview, and fluffed my hair a bit.

Still unsatisfied, I checked under my seats for stray make-up. The only ones I found were some brown eyeliner and pale peach lipgloss left over from a mission in Moscow. It'd have to do.

I was about to fish through the boxes for some mascara, when I caught myself. What was I doing? This was definitely overdoing it. All for a man?

I was acting stupid, like a boy-crazy little schoolgirl. I angrily shoved the lids back over the boxes, grabbed my purse and exited the car. I was certainly upset with myself over how I was behaving, and angrier that I couldn't control it.

Declan saw me coming and held the door open for me to enter. I wondered if he had seen my little display out at the car and hoped desperately that he had most certainly not.

I followed him over to the high table and casually searched for another familiar face. Usually Luther stuck out like a sore thumb in a crowd, but today I couldn't spot him.

When we neared the tables and still saw no other person around, my heart lurched and it dawned on me quickly.

I had been set up.

I knew I should have been furious, but I couldn't help but fight a grin at Declan as he pulled a chair out for me to sit.

"So where's Luther?" I challenged, doing my best to stifle my amusement. He fought his own as well, but failed more than I, seeming rather pleased about his deception like a naughty kid that had played a funny prank and had been found out. Like the prankster, they would do their best to put on a façade of remorse to lessen their imminent punishment, but inside were absolutely giddy about it all.

"He, uh," he lied through his embarrassed smile. He and I both knew he had been found out, but he went on with the charade lightheartedly. "He… couldn't make it."

"Uh huh," I said agreeably. "And Smartie either, I presume."

"Yeah," he fibbed smoothly. "He couldn't make it either."

I nodded and chuckled under my breath at this guy's gall. We were silent for a few moments, staring at each other as we listened to the faint oldies playing on the jukebox. Al Green's gentle voice flooded the otherwise silent bar. Even the bartender was quietly wiping shot glasses to prepare for the coming day. Dawn was only in a few hours.

"Look," Declan said seriously. "It was the only way I could get you t' come."

"I know," I said with a strong hint letting him know I wouldn't have come otherwise. "So you lied to me just to make me do something I didn't want to do, even after that whole Roberta thing and you still risked me blowing it all in your face—which you know I have every right to do--"

He put his hand on my mouth and I immediately fell paralyzed, like it was the 'off' switch to my brain.

"Don't wig out, I just want to talk," he reassured me, then let go of my 'off' switch. "Buy you a drink?"

"No," I replied firmly. "I want to make sure I can drive home."

"I'll drive you home," he offered.

"That's the last thing I want you to do. Especially when I'm drunk."

He threw his hands up in surrender.

Finally I set my purse down on the chair next to me and gave him my full attention.

"So talk," I commanded, then I tapped my fingers on the table impatiently, wishing he would just get on with it already so I could leave. Suddenly home seemed a whole lot better than being here.

"Look, what you said earlier…" he said seriously. "About not caring… If it's true…Well…"

He faded off, probably not liking what he was saying, but he pressed on anyway.

"If it's true then there's nothin' t' worry about, is there? I'll back off… I will… But I need you t' tell me. Tell me so I'll believe it. Tell me so you believe it yerself."

"Declan, not here…" I shook my head as my cheeks went warm. The bartender looked up from Declan's distant raised voice, though seemed in the dark as to what we were saying.

"Why not here?" Declan insisted. "We're on vacation; there are no IMF personnel fer miles. We're civilians now. We're free. So as such, as civilians, we can say anythin' we like. As a civilian, as a normal human bein', I need you t' tell me what's really goin' on in yer head, because I don't think you even know."

"Declan, stop--" I begged him, but he was too hot now.

"No!" he protested, slamming his hand down on the table. "I've been achin' over you fer too long, too hard…" He slammed his hand down again, trying to make me grasp his point. "Don't you get it? Every time you get shot at I lose my head, every time you dangle from a helicopter I can't fly straight, I can't breathe until I know you're alright. Don't you understand what the hell you've done t' me, woman? What you're doing right now?"

He was on his feet now.

"You've RUINED me! I used t' be headed straight for the top. The best of the best. The mission machine, always planned, equipped and executed-- perfectly every time-- no distractions… I think you owe it to me-- this much at very least-- to answer my question… WAS it the GODDAMN TRUTH?"

I wasn't sure he realized what he had just confessed to me through his anger, but I was too stunned to tell him anything. His soul was open right now, mine for the taking. He was asking me if I wanted it. What could I say?

I had to say something. He was right; I owed him an answer at least. But I couldn't speak. I had to let him go, to tell him what he was trying to get me to say and just end all of this. But somehow, the words were stuck in my throat, clinging there and not coming out.

He grew even more upset at this new rejection, until finally he grabbed his coat and headed for the door, commanding me coldly to get some sleep.

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Please review.
Signed,
--RedRogue

PS. See my Declan/Zhen tribute to the song 'Everlong' video on YouTube now!