Hansel and Gretel: A shounen-ai fairy tale
By: Twilight Goddess Sage
Sage: "Woo-hoo I got a review!" (does a happy dance) "Thank you, thank you, Samantai! As it happens it is the same person who inspired me to do my first shounen-ai fic as a parody of a fairy tale!"
Wasabi: "See how she gets psyched over just one review, imagine how she would act if a bunch more people reviewed. Don't delay, make her day!"
Ryu-kun: "You sound like a commercial…"
Zaku: "Whatever…oh yeah, Sage owns nothing except the idea for the fic."
Chibisage: "Without further ado, let's get going with the 3rd chapter!"
Dosu (monotone): "Yeah! Woo-hoo!"
Miyu: "Oh come on! Yaaaaay!"
Chapter 3
That night when Iruka came home, he opened the door and there was no one there to greet him although the place was spotless. "U-um…hello," he called out, "Ino? Naruto? Orochimaru-san? I'm home!"
"I-iruka-papa!" his son cried out running from wherever he was and gave him a big hug that knocked him over again. It was a tradition that Iruka had grown used to; his son explained that it was his way of showing love in a 'manly' way.
Ino came up to him smiling and looking relieved. She didn't even scold Naruto for knocking him down. "Hello Father, we're glad to see you," she said.
It was then that Orochimaru showed up, "Hello darling, it's good to see you well after a hard day's work." He then scowled at Naruto, "Get off of your father, I'm sssssure he hassss had a long day and isss exhausssted."
Something was wrong; Iruka knew it, especially since Naruto was cringing in pain as he pulled both of them up. "Are you okay?" he asked them.
Ino looked like she was trying really hard to keep a worriless smile on her face, "Of course we are father, why wouldn't we be?"
Iruka looked at Orochimaru, noticing that Naruto and Ino avoided looking his/ her way. "What happened while I was out?" he asked his expression serious.
"Oh nothing much, the children cleaned up the place, they are merely sore from the activity," the snake homo drawled out cheerfully.
'As if…that hussy,' Ino thought darkly, 'She's up to something…'
'Sore from the activity? Yeah right, Iruka-papa knows that I have double the energy of normal boys, a little cleaning would never make me hurt like this!' Naruto thought, 'Maybe when we cook the meal I'll put a little something extra in her tea!'
"Well…it was nice of you two to clean the house," Iruka muttered feeling as if he was still missing something, "It looks great. Let's have dinner."
"Oh, the children have already eaten, they can go right to bed," Orochimaru chirped, "Go along you little dearssss…" he/she nearly hissed at the two disbelieving children who had not eaten yet.
'What the heck!' Naruto thought.
'She has no right to do this to us!' Ino thought.
"No, we just had a snack, we would never dream of eating without father," Ino said pleasantly.
'You little brat!' Orochimaru hissed to himself, 'I'll sssshow you!'
"A sssssnack?!" Orochimaru murmured trying not to sound angry, "Issss that what you call the feassst I made you? You jesssst!" he then turned to Iruka, "I fed them enough, they just feel obligated to eat a little with you. Go to bed now, you little dears," Orochimaru said in a sweeter voice although when he looked at them from an angle Iruka couldn't see, he gave them a threatening glare. Naruto recoiled and nodded as Ino nodded as well and they murmured a goodnight to their father before heading off to their room. Iruka was concerned by this and turned back to Orochimaru when he noticed Orochimaru was shaking and his normally pale face was red.
"Orochimaru-san, are you feeling alright? You're awfully red, if you don't feel well, it's alright if you want to turn in early," Iruka murmured snapping him out of his thoughts.
"Oh don't be silly, darling," Orochimaru slurred as he draped himself over Iruka, 'Ah yes, the humble little man I am going through all the trouble to settle in with. I wonder what he looks like without all these sweaty clothes on, kukukukuku,' "I'm fine…dear," he said as he brushed against the man's thigh delighting in his shivers. "Come in to the kitchen and I'll serve you some dinner," he offered giggling when Iruka's stomach growled delighting at his adorable embarrassed look; Orochimaru then slid his arm around the man's waist and hustled him into the kitchen, 'I must satisfy his needs first before he is able to satisfy mine. Soon my dear, soon,' he thought as he subtly rubbed the man's butt.
"I'm so hungry…" Naruto muttered, as he went about putting his pajamas on.
"So am I," Ino agreed as she walked out from behind a dividing curtain that ensured that she could change without the men of the house seeing. Iruka's good friend Kurenai had sewn it and put it up for her (free of charge, bless her heart) so that she could have some privacy.
"Hey, wait a moment," Naruto thought as if he had an idea, "I think…I think I have a stash of instant ramen I got from Chouji behind the loose plank in the outhouse."
Ino wrinkled her nose, "Why would you keep it there?"
"Well…Iruka-papa yelled at me when I tried to put it in here, he didn't want me eating it in here because it would attract bugs and stuff, but I'd say desperate times call for desperate measures."
"Assuming it's still there, and it doesn't have pee in it," Ino murmured.
"Hey, it's better than nothing, the only problem is that we'll have to get to it without that snaky witch finding us out," murmured Naruto, "Although I do have a good alibi if she catches me in route, I can say that I really gotta go…"
"Yeah, yeah, I got it," Ino murmured, "I'll keep a look out, I guess."
"Great thanks, sis!" Naruto said happily, "Although what are we going to do about hot water?"
"I don't know…I guess we could eat it cold, what was that you said about desperate times and such?"
"I guess so…" Naruto sighed as he walked over to the back window and slid out as quietly as he could, he waved to her once he was out and walked along to the outhouse, 'Actually, I really do have to go…for real…so my story isn't a total lie…' he crept along the familiar path using the light of the moon to guide him. Along the way he came upon some shiny black stones that looked suspiciously like scales. 'What the heck? Are these scales? Even more evidence that a demonic snake is in the area…' He picked them up and found them rather delicate because it appeared that they had been shed off as well. He ended up shoving them into the bag he was going to save for the ramen, figuring he could fit that in as well.
When he made it to the outhouse, he opened the door trying to keep it from making a loud squeak as he closed it and then set aside to go about his business. When he was done his first order and got up to go outside to the water pump to wash his hands he saw a giant spider about as big as big as Kiba's little dog, it could probably eat Akamaru for dinner. He gulped and then freaked when he saw something akin to drool come run out of its jaws. "D-don't eat me, please…" he whimpered.
"Nah…" it muttered, "I like girls, but you do have a nice set of hips…"
"What!?" Naruto asked, 'It talked…it must be a demon too…didn't that old man at the bar say something about familiars…'
Flashback
(After Kiba set the dare, the boys are walking out of the tavern.)
Chouji: "Demons…as if?"
Dosu: "No kidding, Kiba must have had a wild and crazy dream indeed."
Kiba: "I tell you, it's true!"
Akamaru: "Arf!"
Zaku: "Enough, already…"
Shikamaru (to Naruto): "So have you noticed any of the like near your neck of the woods?"
Naruto: "Well…Ino once came back screaming because she came upon a monster but it turned out to be a night crawler. My sister is such a wuss when it comes to creepy crawlies."
Shino: "I would think that living in the woods, she would have gotten over this fear."
Naruto (nodded): "Yeah, I know." (His face then furrows to a serious look and he folds his arms) "Although now that I think of it, I once heard something at night while in the outhouse that sounded like someone laughing, it was kind of creepy, but I think it was the wind."
Shikamaru: "Laughing?"
Naruto (nods): "Well actually it was more like a cackle, a deep dark cackle and really sinister." (He waves his arm around in the spooky gesture.) "It was really spooky, but I figured it was just the wind."
Dosu: "It gave you nightmares didn't it?"
Naruto: "Shut up!"
(An old man with glasses walks out in front of them just before they reached the door.) ((Think Tazuna in the Naruto Abridged version))
Zaku: "Hey move it geezer, we wanna leave!"
Chouji: "Hey watch it! Didn't anyone ever tell you to be nice to your elders?"
Zaku: "He's probably some old drunk who wants us to pay his tab because he drank more than he could pay for, my old man does it all the time…"
Kiba (sniffs): "He does smell like whisky…"
Akamaru: "Arf! Arf!"
Old man: "Hey, young'ns hic I couldn't help but over hear your conversation…"
Shikamaru: "Oh boy…now he wants to add his input…are you going to tell us some wild tail about a demon too?"
Old man: "Listen to yer chubby friend over here an'respect yer elders; I go' something ta say 'bout these demons ya ought ta know b'fore settin' out."
Dosu: "Listen, sir, we aren't even considering following this thing out--"
Old man (goes on as if he didn't hear Dosu): "Be careful 'bout 'is. Orochima'u 'specially is a nasty one. This mangy dog boy and 'is pooch were lucky jus' to 'ave gotten away w'out bein' knabbed--"
Kiba (nearly snarling): "Who's mangy?!"
Akamaru (sounding indignant): "Arf aaaarf!"
Old man (clears his throat and continues): "As I wa' sayin'; besides the snake, ya gotta watch out fer 'is familiars, errrr…'is subordinates, if ya will…'ey heed 'is call and do 'is dirty work an' act as extra eyes an' ears. Watch out fer them as well."
Zaku: "More demons? Oh boy…"
Naruto (sounding nervous): "What forms do they take?"
Old man (shrugs): "Anythin' from a smaller snake, t' a worm. Though he bein' a mighty snake, he may be picky 'bout who he 'as followin' 'im. So I believe they'd be probably predatory critters 'ike hawks, an' spid'rs. Ya can tell 'em apart from regular animals by their size."
Chouji: "But demons aren't real, they are all legend. They are stories told to keep kids from running around in the woods at night and doing stupid things."
Old man (gets a dark creepy look in his eyes): "Is that what ya think? 'an how da ya explain the people tha' never returned? How da ya explain the dreadful noises from the woods tha' sounding like moaning and groaning? Eh?"
Chouji: "The wind could have been responsible for the noises…"
Old man (shakes his head): "Blame it on the wind, will ya…hic…youn' folks these days are fools…"
Shikamaru: "Who actually disappeared?"
Old man (sighed): "My daughter's boyfriend, that young man Arashi and a few of his brothers, Mizuki-san, oh an' there was one man who came back, Kimimaru-san. How'eva 'e ain't in any in any position ta recount much, he' can barely get up from bed, 'is family says tha' at night he tosses and turns 'n 'is sleep and moans and groans as if reliving the time with Orochim'ru."
Naruto: "Moaning and groaning in pain?"
Zaku (bursts into laughter): "You idiot…you don't get it do you?"
Naruto: "What?!"
End of flashback
'So this spider…is a subordinate of the snake witch?' Naruto thought looking panicked, 'I better get my ramen and the scales and run.' He got up hurriedly zipping his pants keeping an eye on the freakish spider who also seemed to be a pervert as he recalled the hip comment. "My hips are nice? What do you mean by that?" he asked trying to distract the demon as he went about sneaking the ramen out.
The spider seemed to be chuckling at him, "I mean what I said, you have nice wide curvy hips, it's a shame you aren't a woman," the spider explained then he added in a softer voice, "Though I'm sure Sasuke-sama will be pleased."
"I'm not a girl!" Naruto barked at him as he tapped the plank and snuck the ramen out hiding it in his bag.
"I know your not…the worm between your legs, although a bit small, says as much," the demon assured him cheekily.
"Gah! I'm still growing, sheesh!" Naruto squawked, he then glared as menacingly as he could as he headed out and then growled at him, "If you know what's good for you though, stay the hell away from my sister, you freak!" He then stopped at the pump, rinsed his hands and walked back to his room.
"Whoa, talk about a change of mood, that is one feisty blond!" the spider murmured as he crawled down and crept out of the outhouse to look at the moon.
"Damn it, Kidomaru! You aren't supposed to interact with them!" one of two hawks joined at the back jeered at him as they swooped down.
"Yeah, now that kid knows for sure that he's a demon," the other piped up, "Nice going."
"I don't know," came another voice and out poofed a badger, "He seemed to be a dunce, and you know what they say about dumb blondes…"
"Can it! Fat-ass! I heard him talk about it to his sister earlier," a pink-haired girl spat as she appeared on the roof holding a flute.
"Well…what should we do?" Kidomaru asked.
"We spoke to Kabuto-san earlier," one of the hawks said, "He told us that he plans on taking them out and losing them in the woods and luring them towards Sasuke-sama's house where he'll take the boy and do something with the girl."
"Hmmm…how come he didn't tell the rest of us anything, why did he only tell you two?" the badger asked.
"It's not important why he told Sakon and I and not you!" the other hawk squawked at him.
"The issue is that for a boy and a girl raised in the woods, it may be difficult to get them lost," Sakon explained.
"Hmmm, that is a dilemma," Kidomaru mused as he flexed his legs, "Hmmmm, I hear his sister hates bugs, and our kind aren't too different, so maybe I could send some of my friends towards her and make her run off in a random direction."
"Her ass of a brother would then run off after her; and your friends could lead them to Sasuke-sama's!" the girl reasoned snapping her fingers, "I can use my flute if need be."
"I really don't think that'll be necessary," Sakon sneered.
"Don't be cocky, brother," the other hawk cautioned, "That blonde seems smarter than he looks."
"Are you serious, Ukon?" Sakon asked his brother.
"Feh, I wonder what he'd do if he caught me touching his sister," Kidomaru mused, "Can I have her when Sasuke-sama disposes of her? I wanna see what she looks like wrapped up in my web in the nude." He started to drool.
"Ugh, you're sick," the badger murmured shaking his head.
"You just don't appreciate the concept of having a human female naked and helplessly tied up and being able to do anything you please with her fine body, Jirobo, oh yeaaah!" Kidomaru mused then he started to chuckle perversely.
"Assuming it's fine, for all you know the little bitch is a stick what with what little food she eats," the girl muttered.
"Tayuya shut up; quit ruining my fantasy! You're just asexual!" Kidomaru screamed at her.
"I am not asexual, you jackass!" Tayuya yelled back at him indignantly, "I just haven't found anyone worth my time! Everybody is a weakling, a cold unfeeling jerk, a fucked up queer, a stupid prick, an ugly desperate hussy, or a whiny annoying bitch!"
"You've checked on your own gender too?" Sakon asked, "Are you that desperate?"
"Shut up already," Ukon chided them, "We don't want any of the humans to hear us!"
"Fine," came the unanimous response.
Sage (stretches): "So how was that?"
Miyu (rubs her hands together): "The plot thickens!"
Dosu: "Wow…you sure involved a lot of dead people…"
Zaku: "Hahahaha…Jirobo is a badger! Sakon and Ukon are a two-headed hawk! Kidomaru is a perverted spider! This is rich…hahahahaha!"
Fuumashi: "Too bad Tayuya and Kabuto aren't animals, though I'm not sure what they'd be…"
Dosu: "Hmmm…Kabuto could be an owl…"
Chibisage: "It would be hard to incorporate Tayuya's flute in an animal…so her form is fine, not all demons take on animal forms, after all."
Wasabi: "If any readers have any suggestions, they can send them in a review. Please review, Sage wants to know if people like it."