"Damn." Xena peered at her leathers. There was no doubt there was a small cut. She placed them on the table and walked to the sewing kit and selected the best needle and twine to make the repair. As she sat down at the table, there was a knock at the door.
"Come in," she called not looking up from threading the needle. Of course she did it first time and was making a knot in the thread as Solari and Ephiny came into the hut.
"Ladies, what can I do for you?" She looked up and the amazons sat down quickly at the table.
"Gabrielle's meeting with the cooks, so we thought we'd pop across," said Solari. She exchanged a glance with Ephiny. Xena sensed the tension and put down her sewing and looked at the two women.
"The scouts are back." Solari said simply and met Xena's stare. "They couldn't find anything."
"What nothing?" Said Xena angrily. "Nothing at all?"
Solari shook her head. "They covered where the army had been, where they could have gone, asked everyone who may know something, and drew a blank."
Xena got up and paced around. "Nothing." She repeated. There was silence.
"What next?" asked Ephiny.
"He can't get away with it. We'll have to find him," Xena sat down and rubbed her face with her hand.
"I can spare the women, Xena, that's not the issue, but-"began Ephiny.
"What is the issue, Ephiny? Letting the man who raped the Amazon queen get away with it? Doesn't send a good signal to the rest of the world." Xena spoke angrily and stared at the regent. Ephiny stood up and walked away.
"They could be anywhere," said Solari quietly. "Could Ares have helped them?"
Xena tore her gaze away from Ephiny and looked at Solari. "Maybe. Not his style. He's a use them and lose them type of God."
Ephiny walked back to the table. "Xena what concerns me is Gabrielle. How would she feel coming face to face with the father of her child? She doesn't even know you've sent out scouts to find him. What would Gabrielle say if she knew?"
"Knew what?" There standing in the doorway was Gabrielle.
All three women shut their eyes and sighed.
"Know what?" repeated Gabrielle, this time more icily.
Xena opened her eyes and looked from Ephiny, to Solari and then to Gabrielle. "How much did you hear?"
"What's going on?" Gabrielle looked from to the other and then her gaze rested on Xena.
There was silence. "The truth. Now." This was the Amazon queen talking and they all knew there was no point denying or lying about anything.
"I asked Ephiny and Solari to send out scouts to locate-"Xena looked down, took a deep breath in and looked Gabrielle straight in the eye, "Lindos."
Gabrielle leant against the door, momentarily stunned. Xena got up and moved towards her but Gabrielle put her hand out to stop her. Xena froze.
"I could have said no, but I didn't. I'm just as much to blame," said Ephiny.
Gabrielle turned to her. "Please leave us," she said in an unnaturally high voice. Ephiny and Solari walked out silently.
Xena hadn't moved and Gabrielle turned to look at her. "Why?" she said quietly. "You know I don't want anything to do with that man. I want to put it behind me."
"He has to pay for what he has done. He, he hurt you-he needs to be punished," said Xena through gritted teeth. Her anger was beginning to rise.
"Punished? Is that what you'll call it? You promised me once that you wouldn't become a monster. And I believed you."
"He needs to pay for what he did to you," shouted Xena.
"So you went behind my back to find him." Gabrielle turned away from Xena.
"I see him touching you. I can't get it out of my head," Xena whispered and Gabrielle turned around. The warrior wore a tortured look.
"I close my eyes and I see him forcing you, I can see the leer he wore, the self satisfied look. At night I hear your screams and I can't help. I'm sorry I should be strong for you, but it hurts so much." Xena broke down and started to sob. Gabrielle rushed over to her and walked her to the bed, sitting her down. Xena wiped her eyes furiously.
"Oh Xe, let it out." Gabrielle stroked the dark hair.
"I hate him for turning something that was so special for you, into something so hateful." Xena smiled weakly. "For you it has always been an act borne out of love. I never wanted you to experience anything else, like me. Because like I said, nothing compares to making love with you. And he's ruined it."
Gabrielle got off of the bed. She walked to their shelves and found a mug and wineskin and filled the mug and brought it over to the bed. She sat down on the side of the bed and handed the mug to the warrior and gently ran her fingers through her dark hair. The warrior gulped down the wine and finally raised her eyes to meet the bard's.
She gave a crooked smile and Gabrielle put both her hands either side of her face. "It's not your fault, and if I have to tell you every day I will." She moved her left hand down and placed a finger on the warrior's lips. She closed her eyes and opened them staring straight into the blue eyes of her soul mate. "You were wronged Xena. He may have raped me but he violated both of us. If it had been you-"the bard looked away and blinked the tears from her eyes, "I'd want to kill him." Her tone was harsh and Xena was shocked to hear the words come from the gentle bard. "That's why I didn't want you going after him. I know how I'd have felt if the roles had been reversed." She paused and looked at Xena's surprised face. "We can get through this, but it has to be together. So tell me Xena when it gets too much. Its not a sign of weakness, don't think that." Xena opened her mouth to speak but Gabrielle pressed her finger tighter on her lips. "Let me help Xe."
Xena kissed Gabrielle's fingers and gave a half smile. "I wanted to be so strong for you, but I should have known you were the brave one."
"It's only because I've got you. I don't know how I would have got through this without you," Gabrielle continued to stroke the raven hair.
Xena held Gabrielle's left hand, a symbol of so much of the warrior's anguish. She gently caressed it. "You're my strength, Gabrielle and that's what scares me. What would I do without you? I want to protect you from everything but I can't."
"Xena I'm not the naïve girl who ran away with you. Your love makes me feel safe and secure but you can't protect me from everything. But more importantly you can't blame yourself when you can't. You got that?" The bard smiled and lent forward to give the warrior a hug. Xena put her head on her shoulder and held the bard tightly.
"What do you want to do?" asked Gabrielle. "About him?"
"What do you want to do?" Asked Xena.
Gabrielle thought for a moment. "I don't want to see him again. I don't want him to know about this," she patted her stomach, "and I don't want my-our child to know about its father."
Xena thought for a moment. This had concerned her too. How would Gabrielle's child react when he or she knew he wasn't a part of Xena but a vicious rapist? Would he want to find his father? Would he hate him or would he resent Xena? Should they merely say the father was dead? They didn't have to decide now, but Xena knew she had to reassure Gabrielle.
"That's fine by me. This child won't lack for love or positive male role models. I imagine Hercules, Iolaus and Joxer will be keen to be a part of its life. "
"I think they'll be surprised when I tell them, "said Gabrielle.
Xena laughed. "I don't think you have to say a word." She looked down at Gabrielle's stomach and then yawned.
"Have a sleep," said Gabrielle.
"It's the afternoon, I can't sleep."
"Your ribs are still hurting and after yesterday's exploits in the prima you must be tired. I-I want to do a little writing."
Xena looked interested. Gabrielle had written very little recently.
"OK but wake me up for dinner."
Gabrielle smiled and kissed Xena's forehead. Thank you," she whispered. "I love you."
"Me too," said Xena and settled down in the bed.
To her surprise Xena slept soundly. When she awoke it was still light. She stretched and eased herself out of bed. She saw Gabrielle sitting at the table bent over a scroll. As Xena walked towards her, she looked up, and Xena could see her eyes were swollen and puffy and her cheeks tear stained.
"Gabrielle?" she said gently and stopped, unsure whether to rush over to comfort the bard or give her space.
Gabrielle smiled weakly and fiddled with the scroll nervously. She swallowed and said, "I thought it was time to put the past behind us. Neither of us can move on –I realise that now, until I share this with you." She looked down at the scroll and then got up from the table holding the parchment. She walked to Xena and gave her a delicate kiss on her cheek and handed her the scroll.
Xena looked down it. She knew what it contained. "Are you sure?"
Gabrielle nodded, and turned away from Xena and busied herself making tea.
Xena sat down on the edge of the bed and unrolled the scroll. She had never read any of Gabrielle's scrolls before, although she had heard her work on them and had enjoyed Gabrielle's tales at the fireside or in taverns. The first thing that struck her was just how talented Gabrielle was. She felt she was there on that awful night.
Gabrielle had graphically portrayed the setting and the events but more than that she had described her emotions, so Xena knew exactly what she was feeling during the night. Xena read through the scroll twice. At the end of it there were a myriad of emotions warring inside of her; revulsion, concern and horror for what Gabrielle had gone through, but also pride and gratitude that Gabrielle had been able to share these events with her.
She also felt anger and she knew that this feeling would grow as she thought more about what she had read. She turned her thoughts back to Gabrielle and her needs. Her rage would wait. She looked out of the window and saw that it was now dark. She rose from the bed and approached Gabrielle who was sitting at the table with a pot of tea and some bread, cheese and fruit.
The bard looked up and their eyes met. Xena wrapped her arms around Gabrielle and they stayed liked that for several minutes. Eventually Xena broke away and pulled a chair close to Gabrielle so she could maintain contact.
"How are you feeling?" asked Xena gently.
Gabrielle thought for a few moments. "Numb. I don't really know what to think." Xena squeezed her hand. "Do you want anything, Xena? I'm not hungry but it gave me something to do."
Xena smiled warmly. "Tea would be nice."
They sipped their tea in silence-Xena still holding Gabrielle's hand. Xena wanted Gabrielle to lead in any conversation. There were so many things she wanted to ask, wanted to discuss but she didn't want to force the bard when such a massive breakthrough had been made. The bard knew the warrior so well and sensed Xena's reticence.
"What do you want to know?" Gabrielle's voice broke into her thoughts.
Where could she start? There was so much she wanted to discuss. "Why tonight?"
"I've been terrified of talking about it as if it will make it worse. When I realised how it was affecting you, affecting us, I had to let it go."
"You've been telling me talking helps for the last four years glad to know you followed your own advice." Xena smiled and squeezed Gabrielle's hand. "There's time to discuss other things, later."
"Thanks Xe," the bard said quietly.
"For what?"
"For being here. It couldn't have been easy to read."
There was a brief silence. Xena looked at Gabrielle and stroked her blond hair. "No it wasn't, but it was harder to live through and tell me about it. I'm glad you did. We can both put it behind us. We can concentrate on the important things; us." She wrapped her arms around Gabrielle.
"How are you feeling?" the bard said gently.
"Don't worry about me," said Xena with a smile but it dropped as she saw the concern on Gabrielle's face. "I'm glad I know. It makes it easier, somehow. Imagination is far far worst."
"I was worried you'd find me repulsive," the bard said quietly and dropped her eyes.
"Never," said Xena with a hint of anger. She took Gabrielle by the shoulders.
"Nothing you could tell me would make me think that. Gabrielle, I'm not going to blame you for anything. He forced you to do those things. "She could feel her anger rise as well as shame that she handed Gabrielle over to Lindos.
Xena was lost in her thoughts until she heard Gabrielle calling her.
"Xena, where did you go?" Gabrielle looked at her with concern. She could see a hint of the destroyer of nations emerging.
"I'm fine," said Xena automatically and without sincerity. She smiled weakly and then there was a pause, and Xena swallowed hard. This too had played on her mind. She wanted Gabrielle to understand. "You know I've had a colourful sexual history." The bard nodded. "I want you to know I never forced anyone. I might have encouraged and bribed people into my bed and used it as rewards or as a show of power, but I never raped anyone. Please believe me."
Gabrielle nodded and wrapped her arms around Xena. Now she was the comforter. "Your past is your past Xe. I know and trust you." The bard's face was full of love and trust that Xena craved.
"Thank you." Xena felt slightly relieved at unburdening herself of this, but could feel her anger on the rise. She was determined to push it away and deal with it at another time, as Gabrielle needed her now.
"Let's get some sleep," she said. They both got up and changed into their sleeping shifts and then got into bed. Xena wrapped her arms around Gabrielle who quickly started to breath deeply and her eyelids fluttered close. But Xena lay in bed all night, sleep eluding her, replaying in her mind what she had read. Twice the bard awoke with nightmares and Xena quickly and quietly settled her down.