Heres Chapter Four!
This One Is Longer Than The First Three,Ne?
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It seemed as though Her walls were preparing to swallow me. Closer and closer they pressed, until I was being nearly squeezed. This had not happened during one period of darkness; I had been aware of it since the first. Then, it had not worried me. But I had not had as many thoughts and feelings and experiences then. Something was telling me that I needed to get out of this world. This warm, safe world. I wondered, what would be on the other side? She was, of course. Were there others like Her? Or would it be just She and I, touching hands, making Her proud of what I could do. I didn't need the practice, but I simply enjoyed doing it; so I touched the side of the living walls once more. And just as before, She nudged me back lovingly.
But there was something wrong. The touch of Her splendid hands was not as it used to be. It seemed weaker. Was something wrong with Her? Did she stop loving me as much? The thought sent a new emotion down my spine; a crazed, panicky emotion. Terrified, I pressed against her, this time harder, needingly, and squirmed in my world just the slightest bit.
And then I had two new experiences at once. Somewhere, on the Outside, I heard something. I could hear the pain in the loud, high pitched noise, and I knew that without a doubt it was her. What was wrong with her!? Had a being on the Outside harmed her? It had it been my fault? While I was feeling greatly worried, I heard a new sound. Snap!
Something inside of Her had broken. I checked my belly-tail (I was becoming very fond of the cord. It felt as though we were very close, very old friends), and to my great relief, it was unharmed. But what else could be wrong? my top-limbs and hands were unchanged; larger, but unchanged. My bottom-limbs, strange as they were, also seemed unharmed. With a sickening churn, I realized that She was the one who had snapped. Something inside of her had broken, and she was in pain. I wondered if I would experience pain. What would it feel like? Unpleasant, if it caused one to shriek so. I wanted to comfort Her, console Her. Very gently, carefully, I stroked the walls. The word Love pounded in my head as I tried to tell Her it was alright, that She would be alright.
In return, I was given a Love-nudge. But this one was strange, as the one I had received before. The feeling was not as warm. A sort of coolness was seeping through the walls of Her. I realized that She was not the one love-nudging me. There were others outside of this world. We would not be alone. I then noticed that this nudge was lasting longer. Her walls were pressing gently against me, and I set a hand against them. Love, I thought, stroking the side.
Yes, Love, the one on the Outside confirmed. Another one who loved me? Yes, that was right. What a wondrous experience! I now wished to touch hands with this new being, with Him. It occurred to me that She must be very close to Him; that He could be trusted. And that I could love Him, just as I loved Her. And I knew, down in my small being, that He loved me with every ion of His existence. He had told me Himself that He loved me. I called them Love-thoughts, what we shared, and I cherished them immensely.
When He drew away, the strange coolness of his nudges faded with Him, and I felt suddenly very┘tired. With so many new experiences, I hadn't thought of my needs. And the one need that presented itself very plainly was my insane thirst. Was this what pain was? This burning, needing. Yes, I was needing. I noticed how very badly I needed it when I tried to make both of my hands into fists. It took considerable concentration, and the action tired me as though it was the first time I was attempting motion. I knew that if I did not have this burning, this thirst, quenched, I would cease to exist. I would not get my chance to touch Her, to look at Him.
For a very long time, I floated in my too-small world, thinking of all that was left to experience. Of what I would miss if I did not get what I needed. But what did I need? Not even I knew. Would that be why I would come to an end? I realized that my waves of grief and despair were not because I would disappear. It was because I would disappoint Them. They loved me, trusted me, just as I trusted them. And I would let them down. I was not afraid of my own nothingness, but their pain of losing me.
By this time, I was beginning to accept┘death. Nonexistence. I wondered if I would go to another, stranger world, or if I would simply drift into a void. Would there be feeling in the void? Would I be able to think? It would almost be a relief if I could not. I wouldn't have to remember Them, to be in eternal pain. I would not have to think of all that I could have experienced, or think about how I knew that They would be in agony after losing me. Was it selfish to find relief in the idea? It would be one long, painless sleep. And I would never wake up.
I began drifting in and out of consciousness, wondering all the while. Wondering what the Other side was like. Wondering how long it would be until I would go there. Did I want to be able to remember? Would I still feel this burning in my throat? As I wondered, I could feel my small body drifting farther and farther away. It didn't hurt. I wasn't afraid. I was only wondering. I felt the darkness of death creeping up my flesh, seeping into my soul. It wouldn't be long. I would be leaving soon. This would be my final experience. If only it wasn't spoiled by such intense burning┘It was making it hard to go to sleep. It seemed as though it was mocking me. Preventing me from my sleep, for the agony and sadness to leave me.
And then whoosh! A sudden spurt of liquid surged through my belly-tail, filling me, healing me. The feeling and life! Yes, the life! It was returning to me, strengthening me. The fingers of darkness hissed and recoiled, pulling away from my brilliance and vitality. The burning in my throat began to fade as my belly-tail brought me more and more of the sweet, splendid nectar. My essence of life.
She finally knew what I needed. And She loved me, gave me what my body was screaming for. I would live. I would wrap my hands around Hers, and stroke His face, and exchange Love-nudges and love-thoughts. They would be mine, and I would be Theirs. Forever.
I did not want to rest. And yet, I was so exhausted. Would I be alright if I rested? Yes yes, I would. They would keep me safe. And She would continue to give me what I needed, my sweet life nectar. Lazily, sleepily, I nuzzled against the side of Her, against the walls. I am not sure if it was Her or Him, or both of them; I was too tired to know. But just as before, they nuzzled me back.
Fourth Resting.