Peyton sat on the deck at Brooke's house overlooking the water. Over a year ago she sat in this very same spot with Brooke drinking wine and enjoying the fact that she had left L.A. and came home to Tree Hill.
She was again drinking wine but this time it wasn't for celebratory reason but to drown her sorrows, to numb the pain. To try and wash away the hurt she felt, the way Lucas had looked at her.
She had told Brooke very little about what happened to her in L.A. Not even her best friend knew she had been pregnant and lost a child. She didn't even know about Julian. All of that was in Peyton's past, something she hoped she could bury deep within her and never bring up again.
Julian coming to Tree Hill and dropping his bombshell about her past with him ruined that chance. And possibly ruined her last chance at happiness with Lucas.
She took another sip of her wine and let it ease down her throat. She looked over at the bottle, noticing it was almost empty. The sun was fading and she tried to enjoy the view, tried to find sense in it all. She was failing at both.
Brooke had tried to console her when Peyton entered her home tears streaming down her face. Peyton felt bad unloading her problems, yet again, onto Brooke who was struggling with a new company and being a foster mother to the run-away teen Sam.
Peyton finally told Brooke she had an argument with Lucas and just needed some space. Brooke eyed her suspiciously.
"You and Lucas never fight," Brooke prodded. "Never."
"First time for everything," Peyton told her and took over residence in Brooke's room, since Peyton's old room was now occupied by Sam.
Peyton stayed in Brooke's room for most of the day until she emerged, grabbed the bottle of wine and glass and then went to the deck. She had been there ever since.
Peyton knew Brooke was checking on her through the kitchen window. She could feel her eyes on her but she didn't turn around.
She just needed this solace, this time to think. Time to sort things out and lament her choices. She should have just told Lucas that she had known Julian, that they had a past. It wasn't like she had cheated on Lucas, she would never do that, she could never do that. Hell, when she was with Julian and believed she would never be with Lucas again, she still felt like she was cheating on him.
Peyton put the wine glass down on the side table and placed her hand on her abdomen. She thought about what Lucas had said to her two nights ago when they had forgotten to use protection. How happy he had looked at the prospect of her being pregnant.
A child by Lucas had always been her dream. It was what pained her so when she found out she was pregnant with Julian's child. She had cursed the fates when she found out, it should have been Lucas' she kept saying to herself. It should have been Lucas.
What if she was pregnant now? How twisted would fate be then? To offer her everything her heart desired and to taint it yet again. She leaned her head against the back of the chair and closed her eyes wishing all of this away. Hoping to wake up and discover this had all been just a nightmare.
Brooke answered the knock at the door. She wasn't surprised to find Lucas Scott standing there. He was disheveled, hadn't shaved and his eyes were swollen and red.
"Brooke," he said as he started through the doorway. "I have to see Peyton."
Brooke stopped him, placing her palm on his chest. "Just wait Lucas. I don't know what is going on, but Peyton said if you came by she didn't want to see you."
"I have to see her," Lucas pushed by her. "Where is she?"
"Lucas,' her voice was forceful and it stopped Lucas' progress through Brooke's house. "You need to take a step back. Give Peyton her space. You know how she is, and how you can't push her."
"Uh," Lucas said in defeat. He sat down on Brooke's couch and put his head in his hands. "I fucked up, Brooke" He rubbed his hands across his cropped blonde hair. "I really screwed things up."
"What is going on, Lucas." Brooke asked as she sat down beside him. "What happened."
"A lot," it was all Lucas would say. "I have to see her."
Lucas got up and walked to the kitchen window. It was like he had a homing beacon and knew just where Peyton was. He looked out and saw the back of her head leaned against the deck chair. Her right hand hung over the edge and her long legs were outstretched still holding the hint of a tan from when the day they spent at the beach last week.
"Just leave her be for now, Lucas," Brooke suggested. She stood beside him and took his arm leaning him away from the window. "She won't tell me what happened but whatever it is has her shaken to her very core."
"I know," Lucas said. "And it is my fault. For continuing to not fully accept how much she loves me. For believing she could never love me as much as I love her."
"Go home, Lucas," Brooke said. "She will come around."
"I'm not so sure she will," Lucas told her. He smiled at Brooke, a fake smile laced with sadness. He walked to the door turned the knob and walked out. Brooke standing in the living room eyeing the doorway and then looking back at the door that led to Peyton.
Her heart hurt for her two best friends. They had suffered so, fought so hard to be together. Why couldn't fate just leave them alone for once?
Why do you continue to play the victim the voice in Peyton's head questioned? Why don't you ever stand up and say it is enough.
Peyton tried to block out the voice. She was tired of it all. Tired of fighting, tired of waiting for the bad to come, just tired in general.
When are you going to stop running? You fought for Lucas once, why are you giving up now?
"I'm not running," Peyton said aloud. "I am just tired."
Well wake up. The voice was loud and booming and caused Peyton to jump from her chair. The movement toppled the small table beside her and sent the wine glass crashing to the ground. It shattered into tiny pieces. Kind of like her life, shattered.
But then it came to her. Unlike the glass, her life could be put back together. It had happened before, it can happen again. So she had a past? So it was sordid but whose past wasn't?
If Lucas loved her, truly loved her he would accept that and understand what had happened to her. What she had gone through and realize that what she saw and what she did made her the woman she was today. The past was the girl she used to be and the future was the woman she was becoming.
Stepping over the shards of glass, Peyton walked to the door and into Brooke's house.
"Peyton," Brooke asked as Peyton brushed past her. "What are you doing?"
"I'm getting my life back." Peyton stopped and gave Brooke a hug and smiled at her. "Thanks," she said as she quickly left.
The house was dark when Peyton returned. Lucas wasn't home. She decided to wait on him. She had waited years to get him back. What was a few more hours?
She turned on a lamp in the living room and sat on the couch. She played over and over in her mind what she would say to him. Wondering what he would say to her.
A knock on the door ended her thoughts. She went to the door and opened it. Julian was standing there.
"Well, well, well," he said with a smile. "Peyton Sawyer."
"Julian," Peyton said. "What are you doing here?" She wasted no time. "Why are you doing this?"
"The truth," Julian said leaning against the doorframe.
"For once it would be nice," Peyton challenged him.
"I was at home one day and saw this interview with a guy named Lucas Scott," Julian began. "I didn't have to think very hard to remember the name. How many times had you said his name while we were together."
Peyton dipped her head. He was telling the truth there.
"He was talking about his new book, "The Comet," and then the interviewer asked him about his first book," Julian continued. "The woman went on to ask him what ever became of the girl in his book, Peyton Sawyer."
Julian shifted his feet. "I remember walking over to the TV and just standing there waiting on his answer. Then I saw him smile and I knew his answer. We are getting married he said. The bastard was so proud I wanted to throw something at the TV."
"Why do all this, Julian," Peyton asked.
"I don't know," he admitted. "It started out that I wanted to see you again. I even bought Lucas' damn book. But then I realized it was good, really good, when I read it."
"It is better then good," Peyton said defending Lucas. "It is amazing."
"So, I decided I had to have it, the story," he said. "And in doing so I could see you again. Believe me, I know what I bastard I was to you."
Peyton shook her head.
"Maybe I wanted to see if he was worthy of you," Julian told her. "I know you never really loved me." His voice grew vulnerable. "I knew what I was to you. And for a time I didn't mind because this amazing woman wanted to be with me."
"Julian," Peyton said but he stopped her.
"But then it got too much, the pressure of being more to you then Lucas Scott." He paused a moment. "Then it was easy to cheat on you, easier then letting you go."
"Then you caught me, and I found out about the baby," he told her. "When they told you that you lost the baby, I saw the relief in your eyes and then I knew. Knew that I would never be what you needed, so I left. Put up my guard, acted the part you had given me as the callous lover, and left you."
"Julian, I never meant for any of this to happen," Peyton told her. "It's just that Lucas and I.."
"Peyton and I are meant to be," Peyton heard Lucas' voice behind Julian.
Both Julian and Peyton were so wrapped up in their conversation they didn't hear or see Lucas approach.
"Lucas," Peyton and Julian said in unison.
Julian turned and Peyton could she he had his guard up awaiting Lucas' move toward him.
But Lucas didn't advance toward Julian, instead he walked right past him to stand beside Peyton.
"Lucas, I'm," Peyton began.
"Don't say it Peyton," Lucas told her. He put his arm around her shoulders. "You have nothing to explain or be sorry for."
"As for you," Lucas directed his gaze toward Julian. "I know what it is like to loose her. To feel like you aren't worthy."
Julian nodded. "I'm sorry for all this, man." Julian told him. "Really I am."
Lucas nodded back to him.
"I still want to do this movie," Julian added.
"We'll get back to you." Lucas stepped back from the doorway easing Peyton with him and closed the door on Julian and Peyton's past.
"What say we talk about our future and forget the past," Lucas told her.
"I don't think I can ever really forget my past," Peyton admitted. "But I sure would like to talk about my future with you."
"That is a deal I would love to make." Lucas pulled Peyton to him and kissed her.
There was more to be said, other things to discuss. But for the moment Lucas and Peyton lived in the present letting the past slip past them and leaving the future to later.
Because if there was one thing Lucas Scott had learned it was that a future with Peyton Sawyer was worth more then a lifetime living in the past.