How Do You Like The Apples!: Appleseed Exmachitae
Basinga Productions
Disclaimer: I don't own either Death Note on Appleseed Exmachitae. (Note: I haven't actually seen this movie… But it looks so retarted I just don't want to see it and well… that's all I have to say… NOW ON WITH THE CHAPTER!
--
It was a Saturday afternoon. Which mean's Light had no school. (Note: As far as I know, since he's in Japan and all!) Light was flipping through the channels. When something caught his eye.
Is this a commercial for a movie premiere? Light thought.
TV world…
"If you thought the Matrix was bad ass! Wait, till you see this!" The narrator yelled.
Real World…
"Matrix is awesome." Light whispered, to fast for human ears.
TV World…
"From the people who brought you movies you've never heard of." The narrator said, with a picture of a DVD cover for Elmo's Letter Adventure, appearing on the screen.
"Brings you a movie you will never hear of again… once this movies over." The narrator said, with the word 'over', appearing on the screen, catching on fire.
"A movie that looks like an anime… with 3-D animation." The narrator said, with a guy appearing on the screen shoving ice cream into the camera.
"A movie that has big ass guns, explosions, and dicks… oh wait I mean sticks… That will distract you from the plot line." He said, with a video of an explosion playing in the middle of what he was saying.
Real world…
"That's good." Light commented.
TV World…
"And a plot that will keep you guessing… on when this movies over." He said, with a picture of a nerd picking his nose in class, appearing on the screen, and if you looked closely, in the corner, you could see a guy looking at the nerd, with a seductive look in his eyes. "And why did I lie… because this movie some how in some way… involves apples." The guy said, with a picture of guys in suits holding and apple; making thumbs up, appearing on the screen.
Real world…
"Damn! 4kids may be dead, but they sure know how to make my living hell. Even though their dead." Light said annoyed.
TV World…
"Appleseed Exmachitae! Premiering at a movie theater near you." The narrator said, with the date of the premiere appearing on the screen. It read 4/26/08. "Applebottom production." The narrator added quickly, with a logo of an apple holding a gun, to the head of what appeared to be a chibi version of Light, sweating bullets; appearing on the screen.
Real World…
Light turned off the TV, and sat back against the couch. Sighing, Light pulled out his cell phone, and started dialing a number.
"Are you ordering tickets for the movie!?" Ryuk exclaimed, excitedly. Light shook his head no, putting the phone up to his ear. It started ringing on the other line, and then stopped, showing someone answered. Light put on some sunglasses.
"Hello, Ryuzaki? We have a problem… and also—" Light said calmly, with the camera zooming in on his mouth. "—You're in my top five." Light said coolly.
--
4/20/08 1:35 P.M. Meeting room…
"No, Light, I won't help you. The last time I did it turned out to be…" L said, tapping his chin, looking for the right word, from his sophisticated dictionary. "Just plain retarded!" L screamed, slamming his hands on the desk. L and Light were both having a discussion of the Appleseed Exmachitae movie premiere.
"Please, I need your help on this. If this premiere is successful everybody will start eating apples, people will buy more Apple software, drink more apple juice, and with 4kids gone they can rule over the television industry! To put it simple. The apples will take over the world, killing humanity! All construction will stop at the loss of meat and milk! Milk builds strong bones damn it!" Light yelled, pointing to a map that seemed to be dismembered. "Got MILK!?" Light added, sarcastically.
"I don't know…" L said, biting his thumb. "This seems a little far fetched… Oh, well who cares." L said, nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders.
"Lions will be forced to eat apples, making the elk population rise, killing them! I mean this movie has subliminal messaging written all over it!" Light pleaded, with a PEPSI-COLA bottle slowly appearing up the camera screen, as Light babbled. "Stop that!" Light screamed, punching the camera, causing the cameraman to fall, with the camera falling in an angle where you could see L, and Light. The pop started to drizzle a puddle near the camera screen,
"Light, I will have to ask you to stop hitting the cameraman." L said, calmly.
"He's been doing it all morning!" Light argued, crossing his arms. "Wait, when did we get a cameraman?" He asked, confused.
"Uhm…" L mumbled, trying to think of an answer.
Flashback… behind the scenes…
L and the author, Gyaretto, were in a room arguing over something.
"No cameramen! Cameraman jokes are so old." L argued.
"I have some good ideas for them… or do you want me to turn this into a yaoi fic, no one has ever heard of. "Gyaretto shot back smugly.
L squinted his eyes "You wouldn't dare." Gyaretto cleared his voice, and pulled out pen and paper.
"LxSoichiro! It was supposed to be a man bonding kind of night. Bu, it all started going down hill when they started singing "5 foot long", and Brittany Spears' newest "Spank me baby one more time" song."
"NO! STOP!" L screamed, falling on his knees, holding his ears. "IT BURNS!!"
"So, will you do it? Or do I have to keep writing?" Gyaretto asked, threatingly.
"No, that will be fine. You can have your cameramen." L said, over the traumatizing experience. Gyaretto smiled, and looked over to the new cameraman, onmly to see him on the ground twitching in a bloody puddle. Gyaretto took out a lighter, and lit the paper on fire.
"This thing is too dangerous." Gyaretto said, watching the flames die down. L nodded his head, and stomped on the paper.
"Oh, you naughty." The replacement cameraman said gaily. Gyaretto and L looked over at each other, and shot the cameraman with their I-Phones.
"Come on, L, help me clean this up." Gyaretto said. L nodded and helped to dispose of the bodies.
Flashback end…
L shook hid head sadly. "Poor cameramen." L mumbled.
"What?" Light asked.
"Uhm, nothing?" L said, looking both ways.
"Anyways… If we let this happen… we will be using apple peels as toilet paper!" Light screamed. The PEPSI-COLA can started floating up the screen.
"Will you stop that!" Light scolded, startling the cameraman making him drop the soda, causing the cameraman to whimper.
"Light, that doesn't concern me. I don't use the bathroom." L said, calmly.
"HOW!?" Light exclaimed.
"I got rid of my bowels."
"WHY!?"
"I thought of them as… unnecessary." L said, eating a cookie.
"Then why are you eating that?" Light asked.
"I just barf it up later." L said.
"Anyways… will you please help me?" Light sobbed.
"I don't want to." L said, turning away.
"Apple Inc. will be there." Light added, smirking. L just stood there, crushing the cookie in his hand. Then he suddenly turned around.
"Let's go!" L said, heading for the door. Light was about to follow, still smirking, till L stopped half way and turned around.
"And also, for punching the cameraman my suspicion of you being Kira has gone up 2 percent." L said, turning around and doing out the door. Light just scowled and followed suit.
--
4/26/08 4:50 P.M. premiere of Appleseed Exmachitae…
L and Light were outside the premiere in fancy suits.
"So, Light, what's the plan?" L whispered. Light looked both ways to see if the coast was clear.
"First, were going to go in and watch the movie for a bit. So that way we can catch them off guard… and that's it." Light said, shrugging.
"That's all?" L said, doubting he was going to live through this.
"I couldn't find a blueprint. And plus I have something else planned." Light said, smirking.
"What is it?" L asked, curiously.
"You'll see." Light walked into the theater, followed by a very confused L. The PEPSI-COLA can floated on the screen. After a few minutes the cameraman started to giggle like an idiot, then the camera started to shake, the shaking started to intensify. Then the pop exploded, followed by a relieving sigh coming from the cameraman.
"Dud, zip up your pants!" A guy dressed in a cloak scolded, turning around and then going through the V.I.P entrance. The cameraman just stood their mystified. After a few seconds the cameraman smiled, putting a PEPSI-COLA can in front of the camera, and started giggling.
--
4/26/08 5:05 P.M. inside theater…
Light and L looked up from their seats.
"Where the hell have you been? And why are you all wet?... Never mind just sit down." Light whispered angrily, gesturing to a seat. "And zip up your damn pants." Light added. The cameraman did as told, he then started to put a PEPSI-COLA can in front of the camera.
"Stop that!" Light scolded, swatting the can away, making it explode on the floor, with the cameraman whimpering. The cameraman then pointed the camera at the theater screen.
TV World…
"Give me the Appleseed!" A guy with black hair, sunglasses, and a green mustache commanded, of who was probably the main character.
"Never, Chicken Joe!" Who could only be the main character screamed.
"Now! Sasuke!" Joe screamed, pulling out a machine gun.
"NEEEEVEEEER!!" The only person throughout the whole movie who will have a normal name screamed, suddenly holding an apple flavored PEPSI-COLA can high up in the air, then chugging it.
Real World…
"Chug! Chug! Chug!" The audience chanted.
TV World…
"Ahhh." Sasuke let out a quenched like sigh.
Real World…
The audience was going wild over the successful chugging off pop. There was an emo kid in the back cutting his wrist.
"Yeah! Yeah! That hurt's so good!" The emo yelled. Then 2 seats in front of him was a buff guy.
"Yeah! Yeah! Chug it again!" The buff guy screamed, tearing his shirt off, by flexing.
TV World…
It was now showing the same scene… in SLOW MOTION!
Real World…
A kid in the back suddenly stood on his seat, throwing his pop on the ground screaming. "BASINGA!!"
Then up front their was the same nerd picking his nose. There was also a kid behind his seat looking down at him with a seductive look in his eyes, licking his lips, he also had a shirt on that read "Nerd Lover!" The crowd then settled back down to watch the movie.
TV World…
They both now had guns out. They pulled the trigger shooting a laser bullet. Both of the bullets went past each other, in slow motion. They both missed the target and hit the apple flavored Orville Redenbacher popcorn that was on their belts. Causing a fiery explosion of buttery goodness.
Real World…
"It's DISTRACTING ME!!" Light screamed, holding his hands up to block the blinding light. Light then lifted up the watch on his wrist to his mouth, saying the code words.
"Cheez-it!" Light screamed into the watch, then grabbing L and dragging him to a near V.I.P booth.
The floors started to crack open, and release a blinding yellow-green light. The theater was in chaos with everybody trying to head for the exit. The light got brighter.
"Lemon!" A voice yelled.
"Lime!" Another yelled.
"BELLY PUMPER!!" Both voices yelled in unison, followed by water bursting from the ground with the Lemon-Lime brothers on top of their newly formed sewage geyser. They both looked at Light.
"We have done our part. This has required lots of energy—"Lemon began to say.
"We wish we could stay but we can't. So we wish you good—"Lime began to say.
"FAT!" They both finished together. The geysers started glowing, and recessing back into the depths of the sewage.
"Now let's destroy this joint!" Light said, pulling out grapes from his pocket. L nodded, pulling out his I-Phone.
"I'm afraid I can't let you do that." A voice said from behind them. Our heroes turned around.
"Apple Inc.!" L and Light exclaimed. They could see Applebottom behind him, apparently wanting to make a dramatic entrance.
"And remember me?" Applebottom said, smirking.
"Was that supposed to be dramatic?" L asked, looking at Light.
"What do you mean?" Applebottom asked, confused.
"We mean. That wasn't dramatic. I could see your red suit bulging out from behind Apple Inc.. I mean for bob's sake your in an apple suit! You should've went first then Apple Inc. second." Light explained.
"Like you could do any better." Applebottom said.
Light smirked. "I've eaten potato chips dramatically."
"So." Applebottom and Apple Inc. said at the same time.
"With music." Light said, dramatically.
"No way!" Applebottom and Apple Inc. gasped. "Impossiable!"
"Why? Is it because its so cool."
"No, no one could figure out how to time it so perfectly without anyone noticing." Apple Inc. explained.
"It's taboo." Applebottom said in awe.
"No, matter we will not defeat you!" Apple Inc. said, charging with a flash drive chain. L pulled out his candy cane dagger and blocked it. Then Apple Inc. pressed a button that made blades come out of the sides of the flash drives. They were swiss army knifes!
"Swissy flash slash!" Apple Inc. yelled, lashing out with the whip.
"Apple cider cannon!" Applebottom yelled, firing, hot, steamy, sexual, apple cider, aimed at Light.
"Orange blockade!" Light yelled, throwing an orange at the apple cider, causing it to explode in mid air, shaking the building violently. Causing Apple Inc. to fall down. L decided to take his chance. He pulled out what appeared to be a sugar coated hammer.
"Krispey cream doughnut hammer!" L yelled, charging lifting the hammer up. When L was close enough he slammed it down, causing, for some odd reason, smoke to go everywhere! When the smoke cleared, Apple Inc. and L were having a stand off. Keyboard to hammer, mono e mono, chicken alfredo.
Apple Inc. smirked, and pressed a button on the keyboard. Causing three keys to launch, hitting L in the forehead, causing him to stumble. Apple Inc. slammed his keyboard in the side of L's head. When the keys fell from his head the word 'ass' was now imprinted on his forehead. L looked in a puddle of water left from the LL brothers
"I thought keyboards only had one S not two." L said, confused.
"Only Apple Inc.'s computers have two S's for the pleasure of calling someone an ass." Apple Inc. explained, endorsing his product. "I call it the ass board." He added.
"Ass this!" L yelled, pulling out gum drops.
"Gum drop bomb!" He yelled, throwing them. They flew toward Apple Inc., hitting him causing the gum drops to explode, knocking him down.
"Banjo hero!" Light yelled, pulling out a banjo playing the Iron Man son.
"The shockwaves are deafening me!" Applebottom yelled covering his ears. "Time to end this!" He yelled, looking at Apple Inc.. Apple Inc. shot a red beam at Applebottom causing him to glow red. Applebottom smirked, pulling out a gun, pointing them at Light and L.
"Apple… Cider… Balloza… BANANZA!!" Applebottom yelled, shooting a storm of the glowing red apple cider. It hit Light and L, obscuring the view. When the smoke cleared, Light and L were battered and beaten, they were breathing heavily, and for some odd reason they had burn marks all over their body.
There's only one move that can end this! Light thought, throwing an object at L, who caught it with ease. L looked down to see a microphone. L looked up to see Light hang up his I-Phone. Light then transformed his I-Phone into speakers, plugging his banjo in it, and putting on shades. L does the same, except he plugs in his microphone. Light first starts out by playing a few high notes. After a few minutes he then breaks out into rockin' roll like notes, like on the new Rock Band commercial, followed by L screaming into the microphone. The Apple guys held their ears, cringing from L's loud voice. Then all of a sudden Sunnybottom busted through the roof with a set of drums, followed by a car busting through the wall. The guy jumped out of the car with two recorders! It was Rick the Recorder Master! He started playing them both at the same time! Then Sunnybottom kicked off into a song everybody in this story should know.
"Let's do it!" Light yelled, out for cue.
"I want to be the very best! Like no one ever was!" L sang. With Light playing three loud bass notes. Causing the Apple team's nostrils to start spewing snot.
"These Pokemon to understand the power that's inside!" L sang, with Rick now playing 3 recorders! The Apple team were now screaming from their lungs crushing under the sound of the bass music.
"Pokemon! It's you and me! I know it's my destiny!" L screamed into the microphone, causing the ground to explode, with water geysers shooting from the ground.
"Pokemon! Ohhh you're my best friend! In a world we must defend!" L sang with the team kicking off into a new song to confuse their enemy.
"Aquarius
There's
travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of
a
speeding bus!
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing
Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a
day!" L sang, with a whack-a-mole
machine falling from the sky hitting the Apple team.
"Pisces
Try to
avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true
Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say!" L
sang. The whack-a-mole machine exploded giving the apple team the
Ebola virus.
"Aries
The look
on your face will be priceless when you find that forty
pound
watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an
albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep!" The Ebola virus,
then formed together inside them for some odd reason, making a forty
pound watermelon in their colon.
"Taurus
You will
never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The
stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then
go
back to sleep!" The watermelon then sprayed sleeping gas
fumes causing the Apple team to fall asleep.
"That's your
horoscope for today-yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
That's your horoscope
for today
That's your horoscope for today-yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah
That's your horoscope for today!" L sang, with the Apple
drooling and twitching in their sleep, everytime he said "yeah"!
"Gemini
Your
birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive
flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé
hurls a javelin through
your chest!" The Apple team then farted
causing them to wake up, groan, and stand up.
"Cancer
The
position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face
down in
the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your
nose while taking your driver's
test!" The recorder master went
up to the Apple team and pushed them back down, shoving their faces
into the mud, while playing the recorders! Then running back up,
still playing!
"Leo
Now is not a
good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's
face,
oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down
with a gallon of
strawberry Quik!" A tuna pudding truck crashed
outside the theater, causing a flood of the pudding to hit the Apple
team. Then a geyser of Strawberry Quick shoots up, and slowly rises
down making them fall on solid ground.
"Virgo
All Virgos
are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a
big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a
stake!" Two stakes flew out of nowhere, toward the Apple team,
missing their head, but hitting them in the foot, with a note on the
tip that said. "You will suffer! Brought to you by Geico! Save
money on your car insurance!"
"That's your
horoscope for today-yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
That's your horoscope
for today
That's your horoscope for today-yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah
That's your horoscope for today!" L screamed, followed by
the Apple team twitching at all of the "yeahs".
"Now you may find it
inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the
relative
position of the planets and the stars could have a special
deep
significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give
you my assurance that these forecasts and
predictions are all based on solid,
scientific, documented
evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not
to
realize that every single one of them is absolutely true." L
explained in song.
"Where was I?!
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much
more talented than
you
Laughter is the very best medicine,
remember that when your appendix bursts next week!" There was now
laughing gas being ejected from the stake into the Apple teams
causing them to laugh, when all of a sudden their appendixes burst.
"Scorpio
Get
ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open
window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem,
you stupid freak!" Sunnybottom threw a sunny D bottle at the apple
team, causing it to explode, weakening them.
"Sagittarius
All
your friends are laughing behind your back! KILL THEM!
Take down
all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging
in
your den!" L sang, pulling out a black envelope with
"blackmail" written in white writing, causing Apple Inc.'s eyes
to widen.
"Capricorn
The
stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you
know
they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and
windows and never never never never never
leave my house again!"
L sang, with the Apple team taking that advice to heart.
"Time for the finale!" Light yelled, walking toward the apple tem, with them shivering.
"That's your
horoscope for today-yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
That's your horoscope
for today
That's your horoscope for today-yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope
for today-yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
That's your horoscope for
today
That's your horoscope for today-yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah
That's your horoscope for today!" L sang the final part,
with Light hitting the Apple team with his banjo at all the "yeah"
parts which was about… 20 times. Light then fell on his knees
screaming.
"Yes! Yes! We won!" Light screamed, cheerfully.
"Yes, but Light, most of all that happened was by coincidence." L pointed out.
"I have to agree with the dude with the diabetes." Rick said, putting the recorders back on his belts.
"Well, who cares as longs as the threat of apples is gone." Light said, triumphantly.
"Well, anyways because of the banjo incident the percentage of you being Kira has gone up 3 percent." L said, with Light ignoring. After that announcement the cloaked guy stepped out of the shadow.
"Heh heh heh! Those are just decoys! The real Applebottom and Apple Inc. are on vacation!" The cloaked man announced.
--
"Kid's get out of here this is our play pen!" Applebottom yelled, at Chuckie Cheese, trying to get the kids to go away. So, he could have the colorful balls all to himself.
--
"What! Then who are these!" L screamed, confused.
"See for yourself." The cloaked man suggested. L then tore the mask off the decoy Applebottom, and when the screen came back to L he was suddenly in a Freddy costume, Light in a Shaggy costume, Rick in a Daphne costume, and Sunny in a Velma costume.
"Holy sweet mother of American Idol it's Hilary Clinton!" Light yelled.
"Plottwiiist!" L sang in a high pitched voice.
"Who's the other one, dude? And like why do I have to be Daphne." Rick said, coolly.
"Because you're the only on with long hair!" Light snapped.
"And can you get into character! We're trying to Cosplay!" L also snapped. Light then tore off the mask from Apple Inc..
"Bill Cosby!" Light yelled, with tears in his eyes.
"Plot twii—oof!" L said, being interrupted by Light jabbing him in the stomach.
"Stop that!" Light scolded.
"Would you like a fudge pop?" Bill said, handing Light a fudge pop.
"How dare you! I trusted you!" Light screamed, tears in his eyes.
"Light, calm down. It's obvious that cloaked man has been controlling them… well… maybe not Hilary Clinton…" L explained.
"Correct, and call me A.G. for now." A.G. said.
"Why, are you doing this!?" Light screamed.
"To take over the food industry." A.G. said, laughing and flying away.
"Dang it! That's all I could get out of him." Light said, disappointed that all of this was for naught.
"Fudge pooop?" Bill said, waving a fudge pop in Light's face. Light smiled and took it, walking off into the sunset… again… man he's got good timing.
--
Wolflink93: Damn it! My hands hurt, but I'm still not done, time for the commercial for a special I'm doing, that was inspired by this chapter. Roll the commercial!
--
"A fanfic that's considered taboo…" The narrator said.
"A story that will test your sexuality…" He said, dramatically. "The author of this story will have to face daring challenges, in order to get this out to the public!" The narrator said, with the letter L appearing on the screen.
"Critics say this will blow your mind… literally." The narrator said, with action spy music playing.
"You got the mayonnaise?" L asked, with Soichiro nodding.
"Tomato?"
"Yes." Soichiro said.
"L…" The narrator said. Then it switched to a scene with Soichiro shaking milk from his moustache.
"X…" The narrator said, with it repeating the same scene… in slow motion.
"Soichiro…" The narrator said. It then showed a scene of L and Soichiro, in tuxedos, jumping from an explosion in slow motion, screaming "Nooooo!".
"LxSoichiro the Forbidden Taboo… Old men gone wild." Shows Watari walking in on them making out.
"Stick your moustache in my mouth." L moaned.
"I knew it would happen… but not this soon" Watari said, pulling out a camera and filming it. After five minutes Watari started licking the camera lens for no reason.
"Shocking entrances!" The narrator yelled. The scene now shows a door, being slammed open.
"What are you two doing!?" Soichiro's wife yelled. The camera turns toward Soichiro and L naked, censored, making sandwhiches.
"Making samiches…" Soichiro said.
"Oh… but you never make them naked with me." The scene then cuts off.
"The author has risked his sexuality… just for you… but… that doesn't mean he's not taking precautions." The narrator said, with it showing me the author, at the computer, patting a stack of Playboy magazines, for when he takes a break.
"LxSoichiro Forbidden Taboo… the movie!" The narrator said, dramatically, showing Light screaming, with his hands up in painful agony.
"Coming soon to a computer near you." The narrator said, with the information showing up on the screen, with Light still screaming.
--
Wolflink93: I'm really going to make this, if you think I'm bluffing. Now, I won't be able to update that much until I get ungrounded. I happen to be sneaking this online… So be happy… and leave reviews! Thank you and good night… And don't forget your horoscope for today.