"What is with you inane obsession with Sirius Black?" Mandy asked, exasperated.
"I don't have an obsession with him," Eliza denied. She shook her head, brushing her hair out of her eyes and spreading her hands flat in her lap.
Jess snorted. "Man, whatever. Not even I'm that obsessed with him."
"He's your second cousin," Trish pointed out.
Jess shrugged. "Legal," she noted.
Mandy pulled a face. "Moving on," she said loudly. "E? You care to explain?"
"There is absolutely nothing to explain," Eliza exclaimed. "What is with you people, honestly? I'm not obsessed with him. If anything, I dislike him severely. His personality is atrocious, his manners are severely lacking, and don't even get me started on his intelligence. What I'm trying to say is that he walks around owning the school and he shouldn't. Might as well get M to do the dirty work."
Mandy took a handful of flavored beans and glared halfheartedly at Eliza. "Gee, thanks, E. I really appreciate it."
"You're making me sleep with Robert! What if I wanted to wait until marriage, then what?"
"But you don't," Jess put in. "That's Trish."
Trish blushed daintily. "I don't see what that has to do with the conversation, Jess."
Jess shrugged. "Absolutely nothing. I just like to bring it up in conversation as much as possible." She flashed a grin. "I never really get the chance."
"Can we get back to me?" Mandy asked. "I'm supposed to somehow find a way to get Sirius Black fall in love with me and you guys are being no help."
"I've got my own problems," Eliza informed her.
"True," Jess conceded. "That one has to sleep with Robert." She snorted. "I'd say that was a bigger problem then having my tasty second cousin into you."
"Stop with the incest," Mandy groaned.
Trish nodded. "Even if it is legal, it's kind of sick."
"We need game plans," Eliza commented. "Oh, I know!" She pulled more parchment out and turned to face the desk behind her, her quill already working its way across the page. "I'll make some guidelines for us to reach our respective goals."
"Oh, and we still need the consequence page in case someone doesn't go through with their dare," Mandy noted. "You on it, Jess?"
"You know it."
"Okay, give us a copy tomorrow at breakfast. I need to get to the Tower before Head Girl Lily Evans started patrolling and gives me a detention. Meaning you guys should head out too."
"Oh, Lily Evans, scary!" Jess mocked.
—x—
The next morning came bleak. It was a dreary, rainy day in Scotland and inside the castle walls of Hogwarts was not much better. At the early hour of seven o'clock in the morning, each girl entered the Great Hall for breakfast. As usual for the first day of school, they sat at the Hufflepuff table and loaded up on food and caffeine.
"Sleep," Mandy groaned. "Need sleep."
"Quiet," Jess snapped, in her regular morning bad mood. "Need quiet."
There was quiet for only a second before Eliza broke it. "Okay, so I drew up separate guidelines for each of us last night. I have copies of each for myself, just in case you lose them or something, and here are copies that you can keep." She handed the girls their copies and ignoring Jess's grumbles.
"'Hang around the lake?'" Trish quoted. "No offense, E, but I don't think that's much help to me."
Eliza grimaced. "Yes, yours was a peculiar case. I wasn't sure what kind of guidelines skinny dippers required, so I tried my best."
"Well, hey," Mandy commented, skimming her page, ignoring Jess as she banged her head on the table, "Mine aren't half bad. Lovin' the title, by the way, E."
Mandy Thomas's Guidelines on How to Seduce and Conquer Sirius Black
1. Bump into him 'accidently' and make sure he gets a clear view down your shirt.
2. Find out what he's interested in, learn about it, and pretend to be interested in it too.
3. Start casual conversations whenever possible.
4. Get an in with his friends.
5. Getting tired, think for yourself. Why am I even making you guidelines? You're making me sleep with Robert. Oh, I shouldn't have put that in writing! E.
"Original," Trish commented, grinning. "Though there is a problem."
"What's that?"
"These are all great for the seduction part, but not the conquering. Sirius Black isn't taken with many girls. In fact, I don't think he's even been taken with a girl. Maybe he's gay. You know, that would make a lot of sense. The Marauders are rather close..."
"Back to the point," Mandy instructed.
"Right, so, he's kind of evasive with the ladies. You're going to have to be one super girl to catch his attention. Not that you aren't," she amended, "But something is going to have to bond you guys other than your cleavage."
"You're making me nervous."
Trish shrugged. "Sorry. We're all kind of nervous, but that's–"
"Apparently," Jess exclaimed, picking her head up from the table and glaring at the other three girls, "We're all rather chatty too. Could we not? Silence is golden. Shut up."
"Yes ma'am," three voices chorused.
—x—
Phase One of Seduction: Sirius Black (SSB for short. Mandy was hoping that wasn't a disease or anything. Especially a sexually transmitted one. Man, that would be ironic, since she was trying to seduce him. Not that she really knew if she was going to have to sleep with him. She hoped not. That would be a bit...okay, off topic) was not going well. Since they were both Gryffindors, they basically had the same schedule for the day, but even still, she hadn't found one opportunity the entire day to talk to him. They sat on opposite sides of the classroom in all of their classes together, and that boy stayed glued to his friends. Maybe Trish was right, maybe he was gay.
Shaking her head at herself, Mandy continued Phase One of SSB. Currently she was kind of...well, she was kind of stalking him. It wasn't nearly as creepy as it sounded, but she was trying to find the perfect opportunity to talk to him, and she had yet to find one, so she was just, you know, following him and the rest of the Marauders from a distance.
On the regular dares that she was given, she didn't start until at least January. But this dare seemed like every second counted. All her other dares had been relatively easy. It seemed that everyone was pretty clever this year, though. Hence the stalking and the staring and the question-asking that had been going on all day.
She watched as the four boys turned a corner up ahead in loud, joyous laughter. The sound faded off and she hurried to follow them around the corner. That thought was cut short when as she turned the corner, she felt something collide with her as her back did seconds later with the wall behind her. A hand was placed over her mouth while another held her in place.
A yelp erupted from her lips, but it was muffled by the hand on her mouth. She looked up at her captor only to see the subject of SSB himself. His friends seemed to be gone.
"Why are you following me?" he asked, getting straight to the point.
She tried to answer but all it came out as was a muffle of words.
"What?" he demanded. "I didn't understand that."
She rolled her eyes, attempting to say, "Of course you didn't, your hand is covering my only way of speaking," but again, the muffles. He seemed to be getting frustrated so she rolled her eyes again and stuck her tongue out, catching his palm.
"Ew!" he yelled. "What was that for?"
"Well, you were getting all disgruntled that I wasn't answering you when your hand was covering my mouth," she replied haughtily. "That was my only way of getting you to get your hand off of me."
He put his palm against the wall next to her head and leaned in close to her. "Why were you following me?" he asked again.
She scoffed. "I was not following you, mister. You've got some ego going on there, you know. You should–you should really check that one out, buster. Whew! I think I can smell it. It stinks of distinct ego. Not to be confused with BO. I know they sound kind of alike."
He looked at her funnily. There was quiet for a few seconds as he tried to gather his thoughts before he asked, "What?"
She huffed. "Never mind."
He shook off the confusion and his eyes hardened as he leaned in closer. "You never answered my question. Why are you following me?"
"I–"
"And don't lie," he added.
"You–"
"Who are you working for?" he asked over her.
"Let me speak!" she yelled. "And–wait, what? Who am I working for? What kind of question is that? Uh, no one, obviously, you crazy."
He shuffled his feet. "I was just making sure. It's a standard question," he informed her.
"What, so you find yourself with stalkers often?" she asked wryly.
"So you admit it!" he yelled triumphantly. "You were stalking me!"
"I–" she started to say, before realizing the hole she had dug herself. Thinking fast, she sighed as if deflated and said, defeated, "Fine. You really want to know?"
He nodded his head, yes.
"Okay," she said. "I..." she leaned in closer, her voice only a little above a whisper. "My friend...well, she...alright, I'll just say it." She sighed loudly again. "My friend likes you. And she wanted me to see if, you know, you were seeing anyone. And I couldn't very well just go up to you and ask you, you know, so I thought I'd just...follow you a bit and see if you met up with a girl or something."
Genius, if she did say so herself.
He leaned back, letting his hand drop from the wall and letting her have her space. He gave her a weird look.
"I know, dumb idea," she amended. "But I promised her I'd help her out."
"You're one weird girl, Thomas," he told her.
She grinned. "I've been told."
—x—
Jess sighed, looking around her dorm. She knew that she should be out attempting to steal dear old Paul away from the clutches of Alice Goody-Good Logan, but she wasn't particularly motivated. Truthfully, Paul wasn't that appealing to her. He was too...nice, really, something that she usually tried to steer clear of, but the dare thing had been her idea back when they were eleven, and she knew she'd have to go through with it. It wasn't just because it was her idea, she was also way to proud to a, have to do any of the consequences she had drawn up last night (examples: profess your love for Filch at dinner, streak during a Hogsmeade weekend, kiss Snape) and b, lose to the likes of nice little Trish, neurotic Eliza, and crazy Mandy.
She hauled herself off of her green bed and made her way out of the dungeons. If she knew anything, she knew that Paul Goode would not being hanging around there.
First, she checked near the Hufflepuff Common Room, also known as his own. He wasn't there, and she knew there was no way she would be able to get inside without being noticed as a Slytherin, so she wound the halls for a little while before deciding to look outside.
And there he was. For once, Alice was not by his side, and he was sitting by himself with books in front of him and a quill in his hand as he scratched his way across a parchment. Licking her lips and telling herself not to do any of the things Eliza had suggested (ask for help in Charms, sing praises for his dear Alice–how that one was going to work in her favor, she didn't know, but she wasn't about to question Eliza), she made her way over to him. She had a few game plans in mind for later on (like telling him Alice was cheating on him), but for now she was going to be casual.
"Working on homework already?" she asked once she was in hearing range.
He looked up and saw her staring at him. "Me?" he asked stupidly.
Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, she smiled and said, "Of course."
"Oh," was his elegant reply.
"So?" she asked, as she slid to the ground next to him. "You never answered my question."
"Oh," he repeated. "Well, my older brother is getting married this Christmas break, and I'm his best man, so I've got to write a speech. I'm trying to find something clever and politically correct to say."
She chuckled. "Oh, I love a man who tries to be politically correct," she purred.
So, not her best pick up line, but it was definitely not her worst. She was fairly certain that at one point in time she had simply walked up to a guy and said, "You're hot. I'm hot. Can we please have sex?" So, really? Step up, if you asked her.
Paul cleared his throat, his cheeks aflame just slightly. "Well, that doesn't much narrow down your pickings," he replied.
"I dunno," she mumbled, looking up at him through her lashes. "You tell me."
"Um," he said. "Wh–what?"
She smiled coyly at him and let her leg slide up a little bit and her school skirt slide down. "Come on," she muttered, her glossy lips in a pout, "You know what I mean?"
His cheeks could make scrambled eggs on them now. He looked away from her and tapped his quill against his books. He did not respond, instead clearing his throat again.
"I'm Jess Morgan," she introduced herself.
"I know who you are," he rushed to get out.
"Do you?" she asked. "Well, that makes things so much easier. I know who you are, too."
"Really?" he asked.
"Definitely," she affirmed, nodding her head and leaning closer to him. "How could I not?" She ran her finger up his arm. "Someone like you...well, I don't think it's possible not to notice you."
Just as she was leaning in a little more, the patented move that basically meant she had him hook, line, and sinker, Alice came bounding across the field. "Paul!" She called happily.
Jess watched as his face lit up at the sound of his name from her lips. A small sigh escaped her as she watched. Mandy had been right. They boy was hopelessly in love with Alice. She could tell even more when he gathered up all his books and leapt towards her, not even bothering to spare Jess a good-bye.
—x—
Eliza chewed on her lip nervously as she sat in her Common Room. She had her History of Magic book open on her lap and a barely touched piece of parchment on top of it. She had tried to start her essay that was due in three weeks, really, she had. But Robert was sitting in the Common Room, too. And even though she knew that she had nada feelings for him–not even one, she was absolutely sure–his presence was making her extremely apprehensive. It was like he was mocking her, saying, Hey, I'm right here, I know you need to get into my bed, but I'm just going to play chess and ignore you! Really, he might as well have been wearing a t-shirt with it on it. She knew that's what he was thinking.
She shook her head and looked back down at her textbook. She was being absurd. What she needed to do was focus on her homework. That, she knew, always took her mind off of things.
Except for now. Every time she looked down she reread the same sentence over and over before her eyes drifted up to where Robert was sitting with his best friend Geoff and was virtually not paying a shred of attention to her. Honestly, couldn't he tell that she was sitting here staring at him? Other people could, she could tell. That weird girl that never went anywhere without a copy of the Bible, she noticed! And that guy that had asked her out in second year, but she said no because she had thought boys had cooties until she was thirteen, he had noticed, too.
So why wouldn't he look at her?
She cleared her throat loudly.
Nothing.
She cleared it even louder.
He kept laughing with Geoff.
She started coughing.
Still, he was oblivious.
She started hacking, banging herself on the chest.
And absolutely nothing!
"COUGH, COUGH!" she yelled loudly.
"Are you okay?" asked the Bible girl, putting down the Bible for a moment to stare at Eliza in something that seemed to be a cross between concern and fear.
"I'm fine," Eliza barked. "Continue worshiping Jesus or whatever it is that you do with that thing."
The girl knitted her brows together and hugged the Bible to her chest. It was silent for a few seconds before she got up and went to her dormitory. Eliza thought she heard sniffling but she wasn't quite certain nor did she particularly care at that moment.
Robert was still not looking at her.
She sighed for what felt like the eightieth time that day. She looked back down at her textbook. This was insane. Boys shouldn't affect her so much. After all, it seemed that she wasn't affecting him. She shouldn't care. In fact, she didn't care!
Yeah, she told herself. I don't need you, Robert Adams. You don't mean anything to me except a lay, and even then just because I was dared! I'm going to concentrate on my homework and ignore you completely! Take that!
Eliza smiled triumphantly, snuggling into the sofa. She propped her book up and looked down to where she left off. She read for a moment...before realizing that she was still on the same sentence. She glanced up at Robert (who was still laughing, by the way) and glanced back down at the book.
Disgruntled, she stood up in a huff and snapped her book closed. "Screw you, Robert Adams!" she yelled to him. This, he noticed and looked over to her, confused, as Geoff snickered under his breath.
She stomped her way up to her dorm and stayed there for the rest of the night.
—x—
Trish had no idea how to find a guy to skinny dip with. It wasn't particularly something that she did. At all. Ever. And now that she was being forced to, she didn't know how to go about it. Did she just find a boy that looked a bit appealing and ask him? Did she have to find someone to have a relationship with before she asked him to skinny dip with her? Or could she just wait in the water, naked, until someone came out to greet her?
She dug out the guidelines that Eliza had drawn up for her. She didn't think anything on here would really help her much, but she decided to go with the first thing on this list: hang out by the lake.
She left her Common Room and went outside to the lake. On one side, she could see Jess trying to work her magic on innocent Paul Goode. By the looks of it, he was flustered but not all that interested. She shook her head and ignored it; she had to focus on her own dare right now.
She scanned the people around the lake, vetoing in her head all the ones that she knew wouldn't skinny dip with her or were generally off limits. For starters, Paul Goode, and definitely not Severus Snape. She preferred not to go with any of the really young kids, but if that's what it got down to...well, who was she to say no? And then she wasn't going to with any of her ex-boyfriend, so that was a no to Asher Smith, Chris Williams, and Peter Samson who were all by the lake.
The rest of the pickings were slim. The Marauders, minus Sirius Black, mysteriously, were there, but she thought that she would avoid skinny dipping with them until necessary, and so was Tom Garwin, Tom Garwin's little brother, and...a bunch of girls.
Tom Garwin it was, then.
She walked slowly over to him. She was blushing just at the thought of skinny dipping with him. He was particularly hard on the eyes, even if he really liked to shove peas up his nose and make mud pies. Really, none of those things had to do with skinny dipping, so she figured she was in the clear as far as that was concerned.
Suddenly, she was right in front of him. He looked up at her questioningly, considering the fact that they didn't really talk because he was a Ravenclaw and a year younger than her, and again, the peas and mud pies, but she smiled at him weakly. Okay, it might have been a bit of a grimace.
Her eyes flicked to his little brother, an innocent little second year, who was sitting next to him, before looking back at Tom. "Doyouwanttoskinnydipwithmetonight?" she asked.
He looked confused. "Pardon?" he asked.
"I said," she said, sighing and this time saying slowly, "Do you want to skinny dip with me tonight?"
Now he looked confused and sickened. His brother looked a bit green and was almost on the verge of tears. Tom stood up quickly and pulled his brother along with him, shooting her a nasty look.
"What?" she asked as he walked away. "What?" she repeated. He didn't look back or even seem to have heard her. "Fine!" she screamed at his back. "I didn't want to skinny dip with you anyways! God, you could have just said no!"
He didn't answer. Feeling kind of embarrassed, she yelled, " And you're ugly, too! I would never want to skinny dip with you! It was just a joke! Ha! A cruel joke! Haha! On you! Ha! Skinny dip! Haha! With you! Ha!"
His brother kneeled over and spewed his lunch all over the grass and his shoes.
"Um...was that my fault?" she asked shakily. Tom shot her another angry look as he tried to push his brother towards the castle but only got him vomiting more. "Sorry," she called weakly, before connecting her face with her palm and wishing that world would swallow her whole.