Disclaimer: Who owns a show anyway? The director? The creator? The writers? Definitely not the fans! Of which I am one.
Warning: Stupid Argument Alert! This fic is for laughing purposes only. Rated somewhere between M and T, leaning heavily on the T side.
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SPLASHING AROUND
The mountains surrounding the cabin were emerald green with lush vegetation. The clear blue sky was reflected in the calm surface of the pond. A large bird flew noiselessly overhead. The air was cool and fresh and still. There was calm over the scene, all was peace and quiet.
Except for the sounds of Booth and Brennan bickering on the dock.
"I'm being reasonable here!"
"No, you are not!"
"I don't want the bed!"
"Neither do I!"
"You're being a stupid Alpha Male, that's what you're being!"
"You get the room, Bones, and that's final!"
"No, it isn't!"
Bones was the first woman he ever met that would turn down a comfortable bed for a lumpy couch. She must be insane. He was giving her the better part of the deal.
"Your stuff is already in the room, Bones! It makes no sense to move them."
"Actually it's your stuff that's in the room. I moved them there."
"What!" he got out of the chair he was in trying to relax in and fish when she came out of the cabin and started this stupid argument. They had been the only ones there, because Jack, Angla, Cam and Zach went to the nearby town to get groceries. She had come to the dock to ask him 'kindly' to switch sleeping arrangements, which he couldn't see why up to now.
"I want the couch, Booth. So I moved your things to the room."
"You had no right to touch my stuff!" he poked her in her chest.
"Booth! That was uncalled for!" she poked him back.
He was really angry now. Why was she being such a pest today? They were on vacation, for crying out loud! He just wanted to enjoy himself, not argue over who slept where.
"Bones, you are taking that room if I have to drag you into that bed tonight. I will take the couch."
"But why, Booth? I want the couch! Why can't I have the couch?"
"You're a girl! You should be the one who would be happy to take the room. That would give you some privacy. Don't you want privacy?"
"But you'll be uncomfortable on that couch. I'm offering you comfort. Don't you want comfort?"
"No! I'll be fine on the couch!" he took his fishing rod back up and tried to get comfortable in the chair again.
Why was he so difficult today? What she was asking was reasonable. He was getting the better end of the bargain obviously. Just because she was female didn't mean she needed to sleep in the more comfortable place. She had slept in worse places than that couch!
"Booth, this is unnecessary to fight over sleeping arrangements. So just do what I say and…"
Oh no. She did not just say that.
He turned to look at her, "Hey, I don't have to do what you say, especially now that you getting on my last, ultimate and final nerve!"
"All those words mean the same thing!" said her mouth that was the only thing he could see as she bent forward. Oh that damn mouth. He just wanted to…
He pushed the thought aside, "I don't give a rat's ass Bones! You are really making this vacation hard for me. Really really hard! All I wanted to do was take in the scenery, do a little fishing and go home relaxed."
"There are no fish in this pond.'
He already knew that, but he pretended not to hear her, "Huh?"
"THERE ARE NO FISH IN THIS POND!"
"Ah! Bones!" he grabbed his ear. She had shouted right into it.
"Why wont you stop being impossible and take the damn room?"
"I was only thinking of you, Bones!"
"I doubt that, because you would have taken the room and given me what I wanted."
He got up. His anger was at boiling point now. She was the one being impossible, he was the one being the gentleman.
""Bones, you're gonna need a room. Just take the room."
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I have my reasons!"
"One of them is…"
"I want to observe the Orion constellation tonight and the best vantage point is either Cam's room or the living room."
"So bother Cam for her room!"
"She isn't here!"
"When she comes back then!"
" No!"
"You don't want to end this argument easily, do you?"
"You are the one being infallibly unreasonable!"
He stepped closer, "You just wanna pick on me today, don't you Temperance Brennan?"
"I just want the stupid couch," she stepped forward too.
"Ask Cam for her room."
"I want to ask you."
"Well you're not getting it. Ask Cam for her room or the only stars you'll be seeing will be in your dreams!"
Because their bodies were so close, the second he moved forward it sent her off balance and she stepped off the deck.
"Ahhh!" suspended in midair like a 1960's cartoon character, she grabbed at his shirt for balance. He came forward and the two of them fell off the deck.
There was an almighty splash as the pair of them hit the water.
They surfaced a second later, glaring at each other like rival high school cheerleading captains.
"Booth, you got me all wet!" Brennan exclaimed. She made for the shore and he followed her, tugging at his flannel shirt to get it off.
"I think the water did that, Bones. You on the other hand pulled me into the water! What is wrong with you?" he flung the shirt on the grass at his feet.
"Other than the fact that I want to watch the stars tonight and you won't let me?" she said with venom in the voice. He made a rude gesture behind her back.
"You know what?" he passed her and began walking up the steps to the cabin, "I am going to help you. I'm gonna go unpack your bag."
"Seely Booth, don't you dare put your hands on my underwear!" she exclaimed.
"I'm putting my hands on everything else though. If you're gonna act like a spoiled brat-"
He felt an arm pull him back. He turned to see Brennan breathing fire.
"Why won't you just give it up? All I'm asking is for you to sleep in a more comfortable place than you would have and have all the privacy you want. What is so hard in that?"
His eyes went down as she started to unbutton her wet blouse. She undid the buttons with speed and no finesse, yanked it off and flung it in the grass.
"Well, if you didn't make it so much like a damn command, I'd consider it! You want me to follow all your requests blindly. But what do I get out of it, huh?" he said to her bra.
"You get to sleep! S-L-E-E-P! Sleep!"
"Have you ever been in the Spelling Bee?"
"I won every one too!"
"No doubt," he went into the door and yanked it open. He froze when he felt it connect with some part of her and her scream of hurt and anger.
"You hit me!"
"You shouldn't have come sneaking up on me!" he said grabbing his belt buckle and yanking at it to get it off. He didn't give a crap any more if he hit her, pushed her into lakes, pinned her on the ground and shut that pretty mouth up… He didn't care because she was being an unreasonable-
"You're being so inconsiderate!" she pulled at the buttons of her wet shorts and kicked them off.
"And you're being a brat as usual!"
"Why can't you just give it to me?!"
"If you want it so damn much, why didn't you just ask!"
"I thought that was what I was doing!"
"No, Bones. You were demanding."
"That doesn't mean you couldn't just be a good boy and give it to me."
"Shut up, Bones."
"Did you just shut me up?"
"Yes I did."
"Then I'll just keep talking."
She watched as Booth's jeans came down.
"Nice boxers, Booth." She said it with poison in her voice. The pattern on Booth's underwear was of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
"You too, Bones," he spat. Hers had the Wonder Woman logo on it.
"Alright let's settle this," he said, "The first person to touch the couch gets to sleep there."
"That's puerile."
"It suits the argument perfectly then."
"Alright, one, two, thr-"
"Now who the hell told you it was on your count?"he asked.
"It is only fair that since you suggested, I get to count it off."
He pointed to himself, "I'll count, okay?"
"Fine. That will make it easier to win."
"One, two-"
He touched the couch at the same time she did. Seeing that, he jumped into it to seal his victory she jumped into it a second after him. She ended up in his lap. The two of them shot daggers at each other.
"You cheated! You were supposed to count to- mmmph!"
His mouth was on hers and it muffled the rest of her sentence. Which was fine because she had forgotten what she was going to say anyway. His hands went into her hair and she turned her upper body to his. She put her arms around his neck and kissed him back. It was the first time both of them had shut up all day.
They finally broke apart, sucking air into their lungs. They stared at each other a while and Booth saw the exact moment that realization dawned on her face. Then…
THWACK!!!!
"OW!"
"Why the hell did you kiss me?"
"Jeez, Bones! Dammit, I'm sorry!"
She got off his lap, her arms folded over her breasts, "Who gave you the right to touch me?"
"I-I didn't mean to!" he held his jaw and rubbed at the pain as he got up.
"Oh, please Booth I didn't hit you that hard."
"Really?" he felt through his cheek to see if he still had teeth left, "I think I may need dentures."
"Oh, stop being a wimp. Come here," she pulled him closer and instead of checking his teeth, she kissed him.
"Better?"
"Not yet," Booth grabbed her by the waist and pulled her closer. Her leg instinctively wrapped around his waist and her hands around his neck as he kissed her again. This one lasted a long time, both of them unwilling to break it. Finally, Brennan pushed him away.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she asked.
"You started it!" he accused her falsely.
"No actually you started it!"
"You did!"
"YOU DID!"
"I'm going to change!" he shouted, going to the disputed room for his bag. He slammed the door, taking out some of his frustration on the inanimate object. But by the time it slammed noisily, it opened again as Brennan came in.
"You are so irritable, Booth! Why don't you just…uugh!"
She walked across the room towards him, jumped and wrapped her legs around him. The force knocked him back and they fell on the queen sized bed. They rolled around, kissing and touching each other frantically all over. They groped at each other, creating so much friction that they were warm and dry by the time they heard a car engine outside, signaling the return of the others,
They broke apart reluctantly and Booth scrambled off his partner, immediately feeling a loss of warmth. He took up his dry clothes and headed to the door. He turned and looked at her propped up on her elbows on the bed.
"This is not over," his voice was full of threat.
"Not by a long shot!" she shouted as he shut the door.
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I was laughing straight to the end after I wrote the word Thwack!
And I can't stop! I think that part was so funny! Do you? Because she was kissing him and then when she realized that he kissed her she actually slapped him. In a lot of fan fictions, it says he would be afraid to kiss her because she would slap him. Now she actually did!
Do you think the others saw Booth and Brennan's shirts in the grass? Maaaaaaybe.
I should explain why they were arguing and jumping each other at the same time. They were really sexually frustrated and they found that the only outlet they could take it out on was each other. And the medium they chose was through senseless bickering...
I'm still laughing! HA! HA HA HA!
Review!!!