Author's Note:
If you haven't realized yet, this is a hideously bad rip off from Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream". Let the flaming begin!
Act 1; A foul plot afoot.
"Isshin! Isshin, you useless bastard, wake up! Wake up, I say!"
Who was yelling at him? Why was anyone yelling at him? Somebody had better be dead if he was disturbed this early in the morning.
"You oaf!"
Isshin cracked open one eye to register who was insulting him at this hour in the morning. He still didn't plan on getting up, but it was good to know who he was to kill when the sun went up.
"Kisuke! What are you doing here?"
All sleep forgotten; Isshin Kurosaki tried to untangle himself from his sheets in order to give Urahara Kisuke a great big hug. He failed miserably, and landed face-first on the floor. Urahara impatiently hauled him to his feet, where he received a bone-crushing hug before being let go.
"Isshin, the kids are making stupid choices again. It's time to teach them how one achieves true happiness in life! With lies and deceit!" Urahara exclaimed happily, all the while throwing clothes at the former shinigami.
Isshin Kurosaki scoffed. "And which forms of lies and deceit should this week's lesson consist of?" But even though he slightly resented being woken so early in the morning, he still put on his clothes in a pace a circus performer who had only a clown between his two numbers would envy. Despite all his other faults, Isshin Kurosaki had only one weakness. Meddling with the life of his only son.
¤ Meanwhile, near the forest that didn't exist¤
"Stop following me!"
Tatsuki sighed heavily. As much as she loved Ichigo, he was damn annoying. Sometimes. Especially when he decided he didn't want her around. As if he thought he had a choice in the matter.
"You are being damn annoying Ichigo. You should be thanking me for telling you about this. That's all I asked for. A small god damn thank you."
Truthfully, she had asked for a lot more. Just not out loud. Not lately anyway.
"I told you, I don't like you anymore. Why don't you go train or something? I don't want you here."
"That is not your choice…obviously."
Ichigo had been more of an ass since he had been engaged to Rukia. Tatsuki liked Rukia. She was nice. And had no intention of marrying Ichigo either. That helped Tatsuki like her.
"Have I been nice to you? Have I in any way encouraged you to seek me out?"
"Lately" Tatsuki helpfully added.
"Lately" Ichigo conceded. "I was being nice to you, but apparently you read more into it." He continued trying to storm off in another random direction, the effect greatly spoiled by the fact that she was still following him. It didn't help that he was still shit at tracking reiatsu, and had no idea where he was going.
Meanwhile, his companion debated whether to point out that it was unlikely she had 'read more into it' than he intended. That would have been damn difficult. But it would be useless to provoke him anymore. He was more than capable of leaving her behind in the dust, as their common history had already shown.
"The only reason I haven't left you here is because I don't want you to get eaten by some hollow. Though nobody could possibly blame me for it…" The last statement was added under his breath.
Tatsuki threw him a dirty look. "The most vicious hollow is probably better company than you."
"Argh! Then why are you still here?"
Truthfully, she wanted to know that herself. Why the hell was she here? Why was she trying to help this ass? The truth was disconcerting, but Tatsuki knew she would prefer the scorn of her old childhood friend over the love and devotion of any other. She didn't even want to think what kind of a person that made her. A push-over at best. That didn't prevent her from shamelessly trudging after Ichigo, though.
¤A few hours later, in the forest that didn't exist¤
The woods were strangely quiet. When they had first entered birds had been singing, sunlight had filtered through the tree tops, and a cool breeze had been blowing. Now, everything was eerily quiet. And it was getting darker and darker. Rukia was a grown girl, and she wasn't scared of the dark, but she still pulled closer to Renji. She told herself it was only an excuse for her to let him put his arm around her. Which he did, to her great delight.
"Are you still upset over your brother?" She had to pause to consider that question. Was she?
"He's a damn fool, and should damn well know better."
Renji smiled at that. She liked it when he smiled. She made a mental note of insulting her brother more often, if this was the response she got.
"I say, if Captain Kuchiki loves Kurosaki so well, then he can marry him himself. Though I am not Captain yet, I am no worse match than he." Renji squeezed her shoulders slightly as he detected a slight shiver. Was she cold?
"He should not be thinking of marriage at all, the fool. Unless he decided to start a dating service for the romantically-challenged. In other words, himself."
Renji laughed this time. She liked it when he laughed. Mental note; think up more insults for her brother. Perhaps she could start referring to him as Betsy every time he was out of the room.
"Are you tired? Perhaps we should rest? We will not find a priest at this time of night anyway. And I fear we are lost."
"That sounds like a good idea." Rukia yawned. "You sleep over there. I will sleep under this maple."
That made Renji's smile slip right off his face. It was actually sort of funny. If you weren't tired enough to go into hibernation that very second of course.
"Are you serious? Rukia!" He whined. He was rather cute when he whined as well, she noted.
"I don't trust you as far as I can throw you Renji." She couldn't help but be smug as she noted his reaction. He looked like a kicked puppy. "Now do as I say." She lay down under her chosen tree, and smiled to herself as Renji grumbled while stalking away through the trees.
"If you need me, just yell. I don't want you getting hurt out here!"
She completely ignored him.
¤With the meddling old fools¤
"Have you ever seen such folly?" Isshin complained to Urahara, while watching Renji lie down in a bush.
"Yes, I must say, I never saw an idiot stupid enough to sleep inside a bush of poison Ivy." Urahara remarked, watching as Renji shot out of the bush with a curse, glared at it for a good ten seconds, and walked away with his nose in the air.
"I am talking about my son! Why would he reject the lovely Arisawa-san? My poor, poor son. Soul Society has muddled his brain. My poor boy."
Urahara looked at him with pitying eyes. "Don't worry, my old friend. We will make him see sense. Why do you think I lured them into this forest?" He smiled a wicked smile. Isshin stopped his blubbering for a second to look up at Urahara.
"This is your forest?"
"Of course. Forests don't just sprout up in the middle of Rukongai for no reason. This was designed as a training ground. And we will train the good sense of these kids, even if it kills them!" Urahara raised his fist in a gesture of victory. "Jinta?"
To their right, Jinta and Ururu stuck out their heads from behind a tree. Urahara beckoned for them to approach. His young charges did so, though slowly enough for him to start waving his hands around frantically to get them to move faster.
"Now, do you see this flower?" Urahara held up a green prickly thing which looked like anything but a flower. "One drop of juice from this flower, placed on the eyelid of a sleeping soul, will make them fall in love with the first person they see."
"What a completely useless piece of shit" Jinta remarked, while Ururu stared at it in fascination. Isshin stared at it with similar fascination, before a calculating look got into his eyes, and crept over his face, down to his hands, which started to rub each other.
"There is a young man wandering around in this forest, with a lovely young woman. Wait until he sleeps, and then put a drop of juice from the flower on his eyelid. Make sure the young woman is the first thing he sees when he opens his eyes." A stern tone crept into his voice.
"Yeah, whatever." But in the end, both Jinta and Ururu nodded, and started off into the murk of the woods. Satisfied with the nights work, Kurosaki Isshin and Urahara Kisuke went off to get a drink before admiring their handiwork. It would probably take some time for Jinta and Ururu to find Ichigo anyway.