Author's note: I am not happy. I have realized this whole thing has taken on a Hemingway-esque tone. How to counteract it, I wonder.
Back in the woods that weren't woods
Isshin was crawling through the bushes together with Jinta. He figured the boy was maturing, and he needed a male role model. Heavens knew Kisuke wasn't qualified for the job. He also made a mental note to stay clear of the poison ivy. He had crawled through enough patches to start suspecting Urahara of some foul play. But that was another fight for another day, because now he could hear Ichigo's voice from up ahead.
"Why are you doing this to me? Why?"
Isshin started to rub his hands together. This would be fun. And the grin slid right off his face when he heard the other voice.
"What do you mean why, dumbass? Isn't it painstakingly obvious?"
Rukia. Kuchiki Rukia. He turned his full frown upon Jinta.
"This is the woman, but not the man." Jinta replied in a hushed whisper, still eyes riveted on the orange head of hair bobbing up and down in between the trees.
"You idiot! This is the man but not the woman! Can you not tell the difference between my son, and your old freeloader?"
Isshin's voice rose in volume by every word, but it hardly mattered since Rukia was attempting to outrun Ichigo, and Ichigo seemed determined to catch up. Both were absolutely oblivious to what was happening around them. The sun could have fallen out of the sky, for all they would have noticed.
"Where is Renji?"
Rukia had finally stopped walking, and decided that confronting Ichigo would be a better idea.
"How should I know? He could be dead for all I care."
Ichigo was sullen. He had been walking in random directions all night; he was tired, and couldn't believe he had to put up with this abuse. In his mind, Rukia would have fallen into his arms as soon as he appeared. Needless to say, he hadn't really thought it through.
"Have you killed him? Did you kill him in his sleep, coward?"
"I did not! Though if I had the opportunity, I would gladly cut him up into little pieces."
Was it really fair that he had to suffer through all of this over a woman? Besides, no matter what he said, it seemed as if Rukia only got angrier. What was he to do?
"Then where is he? Tell me where he is, Ichigo."
He had to contemplate that. How could he turn this whole scenario to his advantage?
"If I tell you where he is, what do I get for my troubles?"
Further proof that Ichigo Kurosaki wasn't the brightest bulb in the bunch.
"My foot up your ass, and the supreme pleasure of never seeing me again!"
Rukia was getting pissed off. She should've known there was no reasoning with the jackass of jackass's.
"You are hopeless! Why don't you just relent?"
"Get stuffed, Strawberry!"
And with that, Rukia scurried away, hoping to find Renji before anything horrible happened. She had a really bad feeling about this. As for Ichigo, he had given up on trying to follow Rukia. He had even given up trying to stand. He figured, it was time for some very well-deserved sleep.
Meanwhile, as Ichigo started to snore quite loudly, Isshin was glaring evilly at Jinta.
"You fool! What have you done? Everything is backwards!"
"Hey, it wasn't me, it was Ururu! I said we should make sure that it was the right idiot we enchanted, but no, she wanted to go home and eat!"
Jinta felt relatively confident in blaming the girl. If he played his card's right, nobody would know the truth.
"Go- Get- Tatsuki-Chan!" Isshin breathed, a vein throbbing at his left temple. Jinta was afraid it would burst at any second, so he quickly disappeared in a random direction, desperately trying to remember who Tatsuki-chan was, and how her reiatsu felt.
"Why will you not believe me? I love you! I love you more than my own eyes. Please, demand me to cut out my eyes to prove my love!"
"Would you not cut out your tongue instead, you mindless buffoon!"
Oh, right. Tatsuki-chan was Arisawa-san. Now he got it. Making certain they were heading in the right direction, Jinta hurried back to Isshin as fast as his legs could carry him. This was going to be good.
"Kurosaki-san, Arisawa and Abarai are headed this way." He stopped when he saw Isshin trying fruitlessly to wipe his hands, covered in green mucus, on a bunch of poison ivy leaves.
"Then sit back and watch the show."
And that was what they did. Hiding behind a large bush, presumably containing more poison ivy, Isshin and Jinta waited for Renji and Tatsuki to notice the snoring Ichigo.
"Why the hell are you doing this to Rukia anyway? Weren't you two running away to get married?"
Renji paused for a moment. He couldn't quite remember much about Rukia, but he knew what Tatsuki said was true.
"I made a mistake. Please, forgive my indescretions."
"Indescretions? Do you even know what that word means?"
"Well…I-"
But Tatsuki was no longer paying any attention to him. She had spotted Ichigo. Or rather, she had heard him first. He was snoring worse than Renji.
"Ichigo!"
She knelt down over him, and started shaking him.
"Wake up!"
He slowly, blinked once, twice, and then completely opened his eyes.
"Tatsuki?"
"You idiot! Have you been sleeping this whole time?"
"No…I…You're so beautiful, Tatsuki."
"You- What!?"
Flabbergasted. That was the only word that could describe how she felt. He must be delirious.
"Forgive me…beautiful is not a strong enough word for how enchanting you look. Please, no word in any language can convey strongly enough, just how lovely you are to me."
He grabbed her hand, and kissed it gently. Tatsuki granted herself about three seconds to stare at him like he had just sprouted antlers, and then ripped her hand away, and stood to glare at him ominously.
"I see what's going on." She let her glare transfer from Ichigo to Renji, and back again. "It is not enough that you both clearly despise me, but now you must mock me too!"
Now she was angry. Apparently, Renji and Ichigo had decided to look past their disagreements about Rukia, to join forces in spiting her as much as possible. It didn't even for a second occur to her that she was being even more paranoid than usual.
"Tell me, exactly what is it I have done to inspire this…this…maliciousness?"
Grimly, she pierced both men with her most fierce scowl, and waited for an answer. Shockingly, it was Renji who spoke first.
"Ichigo, you are being cruel. We all know that you love Rukia. And I will gladly give her to you, if you only step aside, and let me have Tatsuki-chan."
"Congratulations Abarai" Tatsuki remarked, "Never have you wasted your breath more than today."
Ichigo now turned his glare upon Renji, to give expression for his loathing.
"Don't worry Renji, you can keep Rukia. I can't say I ever cared for her much. How could I, when it is clear my heart belongs to Tatsuki?"
"Tatsuki-chan, he's lying! You know he is lying. Has he not spurned you on several occasions?"
"Why would I lie? Tatsuki, you love me! Tell this idiot to seek his luck elsewhere!"
Calmly, Tatsuki decided to inform them exactly where she stood in this matter. On the non-stupid side. And a damn lonely side it was.
"For the record, I think you're both lying. And if your tongues by some miracle hadn't turned blue, I would remark that it seems like you two are more concerned about opposing each other, than you are of securing the affection of either me or Rukia."
"What the hell is going on here?"
Everybody's attention, including Isshin Kurosaki, and Jinta's, turned to Rukia, newly arrived at the scene.
"Renji, why did you disappear?"
She slowly approached, hands reaching up to hug him. Renji quickly raised his arms to fend her off.
"Why should I have stayed, when love beckoned?"
He dreamily turned to gaze lovingly at Tatsuki, who in turn rewarded him with her deadliest glare.
"I didn't realize love could beckon you away from me." Rukia's voice had taken on a hint of steel, but Renji remained blissfully unaware.
"But I love Tatsuki-chan!" Renji's own voice whined, and his face was all that of an adoring puppy.
"What?" Rukia deadpanned, turning her stare at Tatsuki, who in turn transferred her glower from Renji to Rukia.
"Well would you look at that. She's in on it as well. Weren't we friends? Was it not enough that they both love you? You wanted me to suffer the worst degradation possible, before you took what was yours?"
Tatsuki was getting angry again. Not that she ever stopped.
"You are being paranoid" Rukia informed her. "If there is any degradation being suffered here, surely it is mine."
"Well, we both know that neither one of these idiots love me. I laugh to think about it."
"It is not true" Renji protested. "I love you with all my heart. Just let me prove it."
"He's lying. I love you more!"
Renji whirled around to face Ichigo, one hand on his sword.
"If that is the case, why don't you prove it?"
"Gladly!" Ichigo drew his own sword, and moved purposefully towards Renji.
Meanwhile, both Rukia and Tatsuki shared equally incredulous expression.
"You must be joking?" Rukia spoke to no one in particular, watching as Ichigo and Renji stalked away to find a clearing to have a proper fight in.
"No more than you, dear" Tatsuki answered.
All hail the cliffhanger of doom!