13.

It was the last stakes weekend of Saratoga, and Cindy frowned at her trembling hands as she gripped the red buttons of her silks and pushed them through the holes. Every few seconds she could see herself in the mirror she stood in front of and hesitated to look at herself, wondering how she had made it through the past few days. There was a large bruise covering her upper arm where Hansea had tossed her during their last workout, and the dark circles under her eyes were telling.

"You look like a wreck," Josie told her as Cindy finished up the last of the buttons and turned around.

"Thanks, Jo," Cindy sighed, pulling her hair back into a tight ponytail before wrapping the rubber bands around her cuffs to keep the sleeves in place next to her wrists.

"Are you ready yet?" Josie asked, walking to the door as Cindy grabbed her crop and nodded, following her cousin.

"I hope so," Cindy said, walking out with the rest of the jockeys, blinking quickly when her eyes hit the bright afternoon light. It seemed like this was the first stakes weekend where it had not rained. Instead of thunderstorms and lightning, the skies were brilliant blue and the sun was out full force.

Cindy walked into the paddock with the rest of the jockeys, their colorful silks glinting in the sun as they threaded their way through the paddock. The horses were already revolving through the ring, their pure bred bodies prancing and swinging with enthusiasm. Through the crowd, Cindy caught sight of Hansea, the dark bay filly tossing her head up and squealing as though she had a point to make. Behind her walked the more composed Angelica Tree, her bright chestnut body radiant and flashy like all her relatives before her.

Josie walked by Cindy and headed for stall six, meeting Ian to talk strategy for their filly. Cindy hung back, hesitating as she looked down the row of people and horses to stall number three. She could see Lucas there, talking with Hansea's jubilant owner, a small woman who had come into inheritance money and spent it on horses. David was not there, as Hansea was not one of his regulars. However, she could see Jack leaning carelessly against the stall, his dark hair messy and his jaw unshaved. She raised an eyebrow at that, but didn't question it. Instead she walked forward, knowing she couldn't wait much longer.

"And there's the woman of the hour," Lucas grinned at Cindy, introducing her to Mrs. Flaum, who seemed to be bubbling over at the idea that her filly was running with the best stakes fillies in the country.

"She's really an astounding girl," Cindy said, trying to keep her eyes on Mrs. Flaum instead of darting them over to Jack. She weathered Mrs. Flaum's excited talking before Lucas pulled her over to tell her what she already knew: take the filly to the inside and keep her stalking the leader, who would eventually fade because the race had plenty of early speed.

Cindy looked fleetingly at Jack, who wasn't watching her. She took that moment to take him in fully, but she hesitated to talk. She had not talked to him since watching him fall asleep, and he had not bothered approaching her. Before he shifted his glance from watching Hansea approach for the post parade of the Spinaway Stakes, Cindy glanced away and watched the dark bay instead.

"Riders up!"

The call went up over the paddock and Cindy's heart dropped to her feet. Hansea milled nervously in her spot while Cindy walked up to the filly, taking the reins the groom handed her. She didn't look back to who was giving her a leg up into the saddle. She just felt herself lifted and placed on top of the tall filly, and when she looked down she saw Jack there, his hand on the filly's dark neck. She smiled at him briefly, and he nodded wordlessly to her before Hansea took two steps forward and bounced eagerly, joining the post parade to the track.

Cindy filed into line with the eight fillies in the race, preparing herself as they paraded past the grandstand and warmed up in the backstretch. Only when Josie pulled up next to her on Angelica Tree did she stop her focus long enough to smile at her cousin.

"Good luck, Cin," Josie said with a grin before taking off. Cindy didn't have time to respond.

The fillies piled into the gate, their young legs shifting nervously. As soon as Hansea was successfully in the gate, Cindy pulled down her goggles and looked to her left, where Sarah McCormick was preparing her mount, a small bay named Orion's Story. Cindy wrapped her fingers through Hansea's mane, looking forward as the gates burst open.

Eight fillies started and ran, streaming out of the gate and up the backside of the track. It was a crush on the front, but Cindy had the advantage of her gate position. It was easy to jump past Orion's Story and Carolina, the one horse, to gain position on the rail. As expected, Not For Me lurched to the front, with True Love fighting for the lead on the outside. The two fillies started a battle down the stretch, and Cindy settled Hansea in after them, letting the two in front wear each other down.

The race was short and fast. It seemed as if no time had passed before Cindy was urging Hansea past the tired leaders to claim the lead. With Hansea in front, Cindy pulled out the crop and swung it past the filly's outside eye, keeping Hansea's attention. However, there were challengers to come.

Out of the corner of her eye, Cindy could see Josie coming on strong with Angelica Tree, the chestnut filly flying down the stretch with Whitebrook's blue and white colors. Cindy gritted her teeth and urged Hansea, feeling the filly shift leads and find another gear, pushing with all she had. It wasn't enough. Angelica Tree ripped past, her chestnut body covered in dirt and her mane streaming after her to win by a length. Hansea plunged into the second spot, and Cindy did not know the rest of the order of finish. She rose in the saddle and pulled back, gave Josie her congratulations, and returned the filly to her groom. Hansea was steaming afterward, but Cindy was already walking back to the jockey's room.

It only took a few minutes to clean up and switch silks, and Cindy seemed to emerge into the saddling paddock a new woman. The Hopeful Stakes was one of the biggest two-year-old stakes of the year, and as she walked with Josie, Laura, and Sarah she could see why. The horses in this race were not to be taken lightly.

War Hero was bending his body into his groom, his dark body already sweaty and his ears swiveling chaotically to listen to the noise surrounding him. Heliacal was walking collectedly nearby, his green and gold blinkers covering up the small white star on his forehead. Cipher was back, as was Fine Print. It's Only Given had graduated to the stakes races, and was walking with menace on the other side of the paddock. Lucas' other colt, Hero's Medal, was standing for David to saddle him up. William Lewis had the dark gray Metion in the race with Laura up, and Sarah was scheduled on Military Might, both horses coming out of California. Cindy walked past the groups of people, tried to avoid the Townsends beaming over Heliacal, and walked up to Wonderment's stall. The chestnut colt was standing irritably as Lucas saddled him, moving with the colt as Wonderment had his small temper tantrum. Darren Starks was standing with a new girl by his side. Cindy smiled at her curiously, wondering where Wonderment's owner had found her.

Cindy watched as Lucas struggled with Wonderment, jumping when she heard a voice behind her.

"Keep him close to the pace," Jack said above her, and she quickly turned around to look up at him. "He's ready to run for this one, but he has to be near Metion. Lewis' colt will set the pace, and Military Might will be close behind. Tuck Wonderment in third or fourth and ride him out to the end."

Instead of confirming these plans, Cindy furrowed her eyebrows at Jack for a second and reached up to try to touch his jaw. When he pulled back quickly, confusion flashing over his face, Cindy snatched back her hand and smiled awkwardly.

"I was just wondering why you didn't shave," she shrugged. "You always do for races."

Jack rubbed his hand over his scruffy jaw and finally shook his head. "I just didn't feel like it this time."

"Jack," Cindy started, trying to figure out how to say what she needed. She had to get him alone after the races, but suddenly she felt the presence of everyone standing nearby and she shut her mouth, trying to will him to understand her.

"What?" Jack asked, and Cindy sighed.

"I want to talk, you know," she told him as she heard the call for riders up.

"We'll see," he said, motioning to Wonderment. She frowned back and forth between the horse and Jack, finally letting the assistant trainer do his job. She was up on top of Wonderment and moving, turning around to see Jack watching her as they strode through the paddock in the forming post parade. She watched Lucas clap an arm around Jack's shoulders, the two men walking out of the paddock and to the grandstand.

Cindy took a deep breath and held it as she turned around. The horses were prancing out onto the track, spooking and rolling their eyes at the crowds. Wonderment did not spook. He only shook his gold mane and danced easily next to his out rider, following behind Metion and Laura. The horses warmed up in the backstretch, preparing for the seven furlong race. Cindy rose in the saddle, feeling Wonderment smoothly roll down the track with the other horses before they met the gate.

Cindy looked around her, catching sight of Josie in Whitebrook's blue and white. War Hero was dancing and tugging at the reins, trying to have his way. Tommy Turner was calm and collected on Heliacal, sporting the Townsend Acres' green and gold. Cipher and Fine Print were warming up to the gate, with It's Only Given galloping up the outside rail. Cindy ran her hand down Wonderment's mane and took another breath, squeezed her eyes shut, and then opened them again. Next to her, Sarah was riding by on Military Might.

The colts filed into the gate, and Wonderment walked in without trouble. Cindy rode out the momentary jerks and strains the colts put on the gate, hitting and banging around like they were testing the metal. As soon as Fine Print, the last horse in the field, entered the gate the doors banged open and Wonderment broke like lightening.

Cindy automatically cut through horses, easily slipping through holes and riding out bumps as horses jostled for position along the rail. Just as Jack had predicted, Metion and Military Might went for the lead. Cindy only had to sit back with Wonderment, but already she could tell something was not going as planned. Wonderment hauled on the reins, trying to chase down those in front of him. Cindy groaned and hauled back, entering a battle of wills with the colt as he tried to pull rank on her.

"No," Cindy said through gritted teeth, sawing back on the reins to keep Wonderment from bolting down the backstretch. She could feel Heliacal on her outside, and Fine Print behind her, clogging Wonderment into the rail. The chestnut colt grunted and switched strides in the turn, leaping out to chase at the already tiring leaders.

Cindy didn't attempt to ask the colt for more going into the home stretch. Wonderment put Fine Print away, but she could hear Heliacal plunging around them. Cindy scrubbed at Wonderment's neck and went for the crop, but Heliacal was wheeling around them and passing. Then came War Hero in a frenzy of blue, white, and black, his dark body whirling by on the inside and bursting past Heliacal to snatch the win.

Cindy finished third on Wonderment, with It's Only Given only half a length behind. She pulled up and gave the colt a pat on the neck, wishing he hadn't made her job harder. She rode the colt back to the grandstand and leaped off his back, turning to pull off the saddle and weigh in. War Hero was being led into the winner's circle, and Cindy silently waved to her family as she walked by.

Before she could make it back to the jockey's room, reporters had snagged Cindy and asked her questions. Lucas had pulled her aside and asked her what had happened and why she hadn't let him run. Cindy had only shrugged and told him that she had thought at the time it wasn't a good idea to let him run all out with the leaders. Wonderment was not a front runner, nor would he develop into one. So, after all the discussion following the race and after she had congratulated her father for his twin victories, she finally made her way down to the jockey's room, eager to change and catch Jack on the backside.

When she shoved open the door to the women's side of the jockey's room, she was met with Laura and Sarah, who were already dressed and towel drying their hair after showering. The Hopeful seemed to be everyone's last race of the day, and Cindy was no exception. She gave them both quick hellos and sprinted to the shower, standing under the warm spray to rid herself of the dirt and sweat that had accumulated there over the day. Halfway through washing her hair, she could hear Laura and Sarah talking. She didn't pay much attention to the chatter. Most of her focus was on what she would tell Jack when she got the chance. She hoped she wasn't missing him by taking the time to wash off, but she figured he wouldn't leave so soon after Lucas' horses finished running. As far as she was concerned, Cindy had all the time she needed to hone her plan of attack.

Then she heard something in the jockey's room that caught her attention, and she stopped rinsing her hair to listen.

"It was the weirdest thing," Sarah laughed. "I didn't even really expect it."

"Yeah, I wouldn't have either," Laura answered, sounding a little perplexed at what she was hearing.

"It was really out of the blue, but I thought, you know, what the hell? Why not? We got along great in New York," Sarah said, her voice so close Cindy knew the other jockeys were in the bathroom with her.

"Well, I don't know. Have fun and all, but I always thought that Jack was a little emotionally..."

"Taken?" Sarah laughed. "Yeah, I get that, too."

At that, Cindy stood still in the middle of the shower, numb to the feeling of the warm water flowing down her bare back. She turned her head again when she heard Laura talk, but she barely registered the words.

By the time she turned off the shower head, Sarah was gone. Cindy quietly wrapped herself up in a towel and stepped out of the shower stall, padding out into the carpeted jockey's room in bare feet and shivering because of the air conditioning.

Laura was sitting on one of the benches, giving Cindy a worried look.

"You heard?"

Cindy only nodded and went to her locker, pulling on a pair of jeans and a tank top before towel drying her wet hair.

"I'm really sorry, Cin," Laura said, standing up and enveloping Cindy in a hug.

"It's not a big deal," Cindy shrugged, pulling away and grabbing her brush, working out the tangles before throwing the wet mess into a sloppy ponytail to get it out of her face. "I mean, it's my fault, right?"

"No, Cin," Laura shook her head. "That's not true."

"Sure it is," Cindy said softly, packing up her things in the duffel bag. "I freaked out, I didn't catch him at the hotel, I was too..."

Laura looked at her with concern as Cindy trailed off, shrugging. "It's my fault. I'll deal."

"It's only one date, Cindy," Laura said. "Who knows what's going to happen?"

"Well," Cindy said, putting on her running shoes and hauling her duffel over her shoulder. "Whatever. I don't need to think about this right now."

With that, she gave Laura an apologetic smile and left. She walked alone down the corridor and out into the light, ignoring most people she knew until she was at her car in the parking lot next to Lucas' main Saratoga barn. She made a bee line for it and popped the trunk, throwing the duffel bag inside before slamming it shut. She stared at the trunk for a second, trying to understand what Jack had done before she shoved it from her mind and went around to the driver's door and collapsed inside the car.

She let her arms rest against the steering wheel and finally let herself consider what had happened, and before she could even think beyond how horribly she had messed things up she started to cry. The door wasn't even shut all the way, her foot was still resting on the gravel outside, and she had her head bent with her forehead resting against the hard plastic of the wheel. Tears were rolling down her cheeks and splashing against her jeans as she sobbed, feeling total desperation in that she knew she had made one of her worst mistakes.

Before she could convince herself that she didn't cry over things like Jack Fieldman, she felt the car door swing open fully and the first words out of her mouth were: "Fucking go away."

"That's not very nice," she heard David say, and she pushed herself away from the steering wheel and grabbed the door handle, trying to pry it loose from his hands so she could pull the door closed. He didn't budge.

"Damn it, Hernon," Cindy sighed, leaning back against the seat and swiping at her wet face. There was no way she wanted David Hernon to see her cry. It was already bad enough.

"Since when do you call me by my last name?" he asked her, offering his hand. She ignored him.

"Since right now, that's when," Cindy shot at him, sniffing and rummaging through her car to find some tissues. Her mother always kept tissues in her car, so why didn't she? She nearly started to cry again when she realized she didn't keep tissues in her car.

"What are you doing?" David asked, watching her search through her car.

"I don't know," Cindy spat. "Looking for Kleenex."

"Cindy, come on," he said. "Get out of the car. There's Kleenex in the office."

"Damn it, David," Cindy muttered, letting him tug her out of the car and shut the door carefully behind her. She leaned against the side of the car and crossed her arms, giving him a stony expression that was meant to scare him off. Unfortunately, it didn't work and she found him herding her toward the office. Before she knew it she was sitting on the old sofa in his office, holding a clump of Kleenex in her hands.

"Okay," he said, closing the door and coming back to the sofa to sit down next to her. Automatically she stiffened and scooted away.

"You don't need to do that," he said, watching her use all the Kleenex at once, wiping them across her eyes and blowing her nose. She deposited the used Kleenex on the coffee table and looked at him expectantly. He handed her the whole box of Kleenex and she took it quickly, cradling it in her lap.

"You don't know what the hell I need or want, so don't presume anything, okay?" Cindy told him defiantly, pulling another tissue from the box.

"I'm not presuming," David said, holding up his hands in surrender. "I just want to help out."

"Right," Cindy scoffed, rolling her eyes.

"No, really," David said, watching her carefully before sighing and running a hand through his sandy blond hair. "Talk, Cindy. It will help. I promise."

Cindy raised an eyebrow at him, before sighing. "I don't think I exactly have to tell you what it involves, do I?"

"Jack, I assumed," David shrugged.

"Well, you assume right," Cindy said, not sure why she was even giving him any information.

"So, what did Jack do?" David asked, hooking his arm over the couch and giving her his total attention. Cindy looked at him warily and pulled another tissue from the box, wiping her eyes.

"God, it doesn't even really matter," Cindy told him. "It's stupid, really."

"Cindy, what happened?" David asked clearly. "Just say it and you'll feel better. I promise."

"You know Sarah McCormick?" Cindy asked him, and he nodded. "She and Jack seem to be hitting it off extremely well."

"I see," David said, not sounding surprised, although Cindy hadn't expected him to sound surprised.

"And, you see," Cindy tried to voice what she was feeling. The problem was that her feelings were too muddled to sort out and add a voice to. "I made a huge mistake," she said, not looking at David. She stared hard at everything except David. "I had a chance and I completely let it fly by because I was scared. Which is so stupid because I really wanted it. I wanted it so badly and when it came to me I didn't know what to do with it and I thought Jack would be pissed and everything would change. Of course, now I know that things probably weren't going to change. I would keep staying me and he would keep staying Jack, only we'd be together and not dancing around the edges of this massive thing that we've created. So, once we finally got up the courage to announce the presence of this massive thing between us I go and get scared and run off. I'm just stupid. That's what it amounts to."

At that, Cindy started to cry again. She tore out a few more tissues from the box and pressed them against her eyes, trying to figure how she had let things degenerate to this.

"Cindy," David broke in quietly, getting her to look at him. "You're not stupid. Jack's the stupid one here."

"No he's not," Cindy shook her head. "I didn't stay with him and I didn't talk to him."

"But look at him now, Cin," David said. "Sarah McCormick?"

"Don't remind me," Cindy demanded, starting a fresh batch of tears. At that point, she felt David's arm wrap around her shoulders and give her a squeeze. She didn't really think about it, and so she let it remain there. She only stared at the coffee table, feeling a growing sense of frustration and anger blooming.

"Why the hell couldn't he wait to talk to me?" she said. "Was Sarah really that necessary?"

"I wouldn't think so," David told her, handing her another tissue as she started crying again. He brought her in for a hug and she didn't stop him. Crying into someone's shoulder felt nice to Cindy, and she let him hold her while she silently poured tears into his shirt, creating a damp patch in the material.

"Hey," he said, stroking her back to calm her down. "Breathe in and out, Cin. You're not going to die."

"I know that," she answered against his shirt, feeling his other hand stroke over her hair. "I just feel so horrible."

"It's going to be okay," David told her softly. "Jack isn't the only guy out there, after all."

"Just shut up, okay?" Cindy asked of him, feeling him push her back so he could see her face.

"Don't look at me like that," Cindy said, diverting her eyes when she saw his gaze travel down her face. "I look awful."
"No you don't," he said, leaning forward just enough to brush his lips against hers. "You're beautiful and you know it."

Cindy pulled back a little, reaching up to wipe the back of her hand across her mouth.

"David," she began, wondering if she was going to have to go through this whole speech with him again. But she stopped herself and looked at him. He still had his hand cradling the back of her head, his other hand moving down to rest on her leg. He was watching her easily, waiting on her. When she didn't move, he pushed forward again and kissed her. Cindy didn't do anything at first. She kept her eyes open and surveyed this, wondering about what was to happen. A certain part of her told her push him away and head back to the car, and that part of her made the most logical sense. However, the other part of her told her to kiss him back and tell Jack to go to hell. She wasn't feeling logical anyway.

So she kissed him back, surprising him enough to make him open his eyes. Jack had already made his choice, she realized, and it hadn't been her. Well, Cindy could make her own choice also, and she wasn't going to waste her time thinking about what could have been, because it was over and done with. She wasn't going to think about it anymore.

Cindy inched closer to David and ran her hands up his shirt, grabbing it in bunches. He pulled back for a second, as though surprised by her aggressiveness, before switching gears and matching hers with his own.

He picked her up and laid her back down on the sofa, moving away from her mouth to kiss down her jaw and throat while she tugged the shirt up his back, letting her fingers trail up the hard muscles that shifted as she pressed against them. He paused just briefly to sit up and pull the shirt off, discarding it over the sofa. Cindy didn't waste time, and propped herself up, kissing him as he helped her tug the tank over her head.

Returning back down to the sofa, Cindy arched herself into him while he kissed down her clavicle, descending lower down her chest and over her bra, which was removed and discarded with the growing pile of clothes by the side of the sofa.

"You realize what you're doing, don't you?" David asked her, and she nodded.

"I do," she said, tugging him back down to her and kissing him again. She broke away only to say, "My only problem here is that pants haven't been taken off."

He smiled at her and replied, "Well, we can certainly take care of that."

Afterward, Cindy sat in her car at a red light, staring silently into space. She ran her hand absently through the tangles the sofa had made in her hair, wincing as she pulled her fingers through the remains of her ponytail. Sitting at the red light and mulling over her afternoon while pulling at her disheveled hair, Cindy didn't know whether or not to be embarrassed or brazen about what she had just decided. She sat there thinking about it and pulling her hand through her hair, not noticing when the light turned green. When the car behind her honked, she jumped and slammed her foot to the gas, gunning the Audi through the intersection.

She drove deliberately along the long route to her house, unsure of how well Josie and Laura would pick up on what had just happened. Cindy did not want to explain herself at the moment because she didn't know what to say. The best she could do was pull her hair out of its ponytail, get rid of the tangles, smooth down her clothing, and walk through her door unfazed.

Cindy stopped at another red light and put her hair back into a smooth ponytail, collecting herself before the left turn signal allowed her to pull through the intersection and continue on to her house. When she pulled up into the driveway, Laura and Ryan were playing catch again. Cindy looked at them out of her window and looked down at herself. How different did she look? To herself she was completely different, but to them was she changed?

Cindy shoved away the questions and got out of the car. It wasn't like this was the first time she had had sex, and it certainly wasn't going to be the last. She grabbed her purse from the passenger seat and slammed the car door closed, walking into the yard to say hello.

"Hey, Cin," Ryan said, tossing the ball to Laura, who jumped to catch it.

"It took you a while to get back," Laura observed, throwing the ball wildly to Ryan, who had to stretch to catch it.

"Yeah," Cindy shrugged. "Nothing big. I had to talk a little with Lucas about Wonderment before I could leave."

"Big session?" Ryan asked. "Lucas didn't look too pleased with the race."

"Yeah, you could say that," Cindy nodded, heading up to the house. "I'll be inside if anyone needs me."

"Hey," Ryan called after her. She turned on the steps and looked at him questioningly.

"I'm sorry about what happened with Jack," Ryan said. "He didn't..."

"I just don't want to talk about Jack right now," Cindy broke in, shaking her head. "But, thanks."

"Sure," Ryan said after a second, shrugging. Cindy stood frowning on the steps before she turned back to the door and let herself in, closed the door, and walked up the stairs. She wandered into the room she shared with Josie and threw herself on the bed, quietly staring at the ceiling.

She suddenly had the feeling that she didn't quite grasp what she had done with David. Leaving the barn had been awkward and horrible, but she had almost expected that. It wasn't as if she had done what she did with him out of love, or even because she liked him. She didn't like him, and the idea of loving him was almost laughable. That was strange to her, and it made her feel empty inside. She hated that feeling. Before, with Max, it had always been about love. Even when they had been on the verge of ending everything, she never felt like she did now because she had loved him then. That had made everything outstanding and perfect.

Cindy stared at the plain, white ceiling and began to feel worse. She swallowed and tried closing her eyes, wondering if what she had done would be completely unforgivable. Suddenly she could feel the bile rising in her throat and she darted off the bed and across the hall to the bathroom, collapsing in front of the open toilet.

She threw up until she couldn't anymore, and rested her head against the wall as she flushed the toilet. Shakily, she stood up and walked back to her bedroom to grab a clean pair of pajamas. She changed slowly, leaving her track clothes discarded on the floor. Turning, she crawled up onto her bed and curled up there, wondering what would happen, and, as much as she didn't want to, about Jack.