The first song is original and sung to the tune of Idlewild's commercial in the summer of 2006. The other one's a camp song. Oh, yeah. Broadway Lumberjack man is an inside joke I will explain to anyone who asks. Yes, the co-author hates Leonardo DiCaprio.

Disclaimer: Ummm...anything familiar doesn't belong to us. (We think you'd get this by now...but we must put this up...)

Broadway Lumberjack Man

It was a dark, stormy night, and Orochimaru was sitting in the dungeons of his castle (Yes, he now owns a castle. It's big, warm, homely, and has great dungeon space.) while shoving a white-hot poker up Leonardo DiCaprio's anus. Orochimaru screamed as the actor screamed. When finished with Leonardo DiCaprio, he went out to his Nissan Altima and pulled Sasuke out of the trunk.

"Oh, Sasuke-kun, we're gonna have bunches of fun!" Orochimaru squealed. Since he was bound and gagged, all he could do was glare. "Aw, Sasuke-kun, don't look at me that way…" the pale man frowned as he carried the boy to the dungeons. Once in the damp chambers, Orochimaru began dressing Sasuke in a Gothic Lolita outfit. He then proceeded to chain Sasuke to the wall.

Just when Sasuke thought it couldn't get worse, Orochimaru burst into song.

"I'm Broadway Lumberjack Man and it's no lark

I sing from dawn 'til way past dark

I rape little boys after I give them my mark

Hey! There's that dude that resembles a shark"

After finishing his theme song, Orochimaru smiled evilly. Sasuke started to tremble as the creepy man started to kiss him.

Oh my God! Is he trying to rape me?! Sasuke thought.

No shit, Sasuke, a voice that wasn't his said in Sasuke's head. He looked to the left as Orochimaru undressed him and saw the random-British-scientist-wizard. The man lifted his finger and pressed it to his lips.

Why isn't he doing anything? Sasuke wondered as the fifty-year-old man raped him. The random-British-scientist-wizard disappeared and what little hope Sasuke had left died.

Suddenly, Orochimaru started to sing again.

"I know a weenie man

he owns a weenie stand

he sells most anything

from hot dogs to weenie buns

someday I'll join his life

I'll be his weenie wife

hotdog, I love that weenie man.

Hotdog!

I married the weenie man

we moved to weenie land

we had two weenie kids

who blew up the cat.

Pop!

They went t weenie jail

I paid the weenie bail

hotdog, those weenie kids are bad.

Hotdog!"

Sasuke hit his head of the wall repeatedly. Broadway Lumberjack Man didn't notice as he launched into a song about cheese.

"Now, to break you!" Broadway Lumberjack Man said when he finished aforementioned song. He pulled out a spiked belt and smiled. Sasuke's eyes widened as Broadway Lumberjack Man flipped him over, exposing his back. "I want to hear you scream," Orochimaru giggled as he pulled the gag out of the boy's mouth. Sasuke clamped his mouth firmly shut.

The first blow came slowly, but it as hard and Sasuke tried hard not to cry out. He succeeded, but his will began to crumble as the blows came harder and faster. The metal spikes bit into his flesh the physical pain eventually disappeared as darkness descended upon him.

He was back in school and in front of him was Naruto…and they were kissing. Over and over again, the horrifying image repeated in his head. It was too traumatizing, he screamed.

"MAKE IT STOP, MOMMY!! I CAN FEEL HIS NASTY LIPS!" he cried. Then he heard Orochimaru's soft laughter.

"She can't help you, she's dead. Your brother killed her," he hissed in Sasuke's ear.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The scene flashed back to when the Uchiha clan was murdered, but this time he was watching Itachi mercilessly murdered them one by one. Sasuke couldn't move, couldn't help, as his brother decimated his family, smiling in sadistic pleasure. It was too much. That scene, the previous scene, and Orochimaru's physical abuse broke Sasuke.

Orochimaru watched as Sasuke screamed, cried, and laughed.

"Okay, I give up!" Sasuke yelled. Sasuke opened his eyes and saw Orochimaru's pervy, grinning face, and behind was…the random-British-scientist-wizard! He was sitting there with popcorn, a drink, and a video camera.

"Umm, what are you doing here?"

"Watching the show, o'course!"

"Hey, you're that dude I met during that one drinking game!" Orochimaru intervened.

"Oh, yeah! You're that queer dude that rapes little boys."

"AND turns them into my loyal, albeit broken, pets. Can't forget that!"

"So that's what you're doing."

"Yeah, it works great. Watch. Come, Sasuke."

Sasuke came.

"Kneel, Sasuke."

Sasuke kneeled. Orochimaru stroked his hair.

The Brit gushed. Orochimaru smiled and strapped a collared leash onto Sasuke's kneck.

"Jump!" Orochimaru ordered. Sasuke cocked his head to the side.

"How high?" the enslaved boy asked. The random-British-scientist-wizard laughed.

"Hmm, good question…." Orochimaru pondered this for a while. His eyes lit up. "Ten feet. I want you to jump ten feet," he answered. Sasuke thought for a moment, then bent his knees and managed to leap exactly ten feet into the air. "Isn't that awesome?" exclaimed Orochimaru, turning to the random-British-scientist-wizard. He was surprised to find that the young man was no longer there.

Broadway Lumberjack man shrugged and continued to command Sasuke perform tricks.

"I'm bored. Sasuke, tell me a story," Orochimaru ordered after some time.

"What kind of story?" Sasuke wanted to know.

"Hmm…? How about a story praising my awesomeness."

So Sasuke told Orochimaru a story that praised his awesomeness. We will not repeat this story because it was a long epic full of horrible lies and mushy flattering. Seriously, you'd puke if you heard. Needless to say, Orochimaru loved it and promoted Sasuke to Head Pet, making Kabuto cry.

Meanwhile, Naruto and Sakura embarked on a perilous mission to save Sasuke…

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