I truly do apologize for my lack of updates. Tests are piling up on me. I hope that I make it up by giving you this nice sappy chapter, and cross my fingers that you don't hate me by the end of it. And I also want to say sorry for any errors in this chatpter. I was typing it quickly and had no time to double check. And hello to my friend Keny!Hi buddy! Glad you are enjoying the story so far :)
I do not own the Twilight series. Sigh...
CHAPTER 5
Preoccupations and fears instilled themselves in my mind. I had not heard from Jasper in days and the agony that his absence caused was driving me to the brink of perpetual insanity. It appeared to be as if he had forgotten me, obliterated the memories we shared...I was falling deeper into a hole dug up by the truths that my mind conjured everyday that he was absent.
Though my heart furiously vowed that the moments Jasper spared to come visit were evidence of his affections for me, the larger and more venomous part whispered that the distant gaze and indifferent demeanor told more than any words he could utter ever could. I was nothing more than a charity case for him now; being the naive girl from Washington was not enough to be near the presence of someone of Jasper's importance.
These thoughts plagued me every waking moment and caused me to scream out in terror when the nightmares that marred me assaulted my troubled mind. So lost was I in the sea of sorrow that I had created for myself that I nearly toppled off my bed as a maid came knocking on my door.
The young maid opened the door hesitantly, approaching me as if I were a frightened animal. Maybe she had reason to do so.
"Miss... Mr. Whitlock is awaiting your presence downstairs." She whispered fearfully. She did not look me in the eye, rather staring intently at the floor with newfound interest.
"Yes...tell him I will be down immediately." I said almost absently. She scurried away, practically running out of my bedchamber.
I had not been the most amicable person with the turmoil raging ceaselessly within me. I was irritable and snapping at everyone for the most insignificant things. I hated myself for doing so, but could not help the mounting stress that not knowing caused.
The mere knowledge that he was here, in downstairs, drew me from my stupor. I had not another moment to lose sitting here in my room while I could be near him. He may not want me now, but if I could only hear his melodious voice one last time, smell his fragrant essence, then I would be content.
I ran out of my room without a second thought, gasping as I tripped over the last step.
In the past, Jasper had always been there to catch me when my clumsiness decided to make an appearance. He was there to catch me from my moments of inevitable freefall, smiling every time he did so.
But now I expected no Jasper. He was not going to be there to catch me when I fell down staircases. He would not catch my arm as my feet catch on the train of my dress either.
Jasper was not going to be there.
I closed my eyes tightly, preparing myself for the painful impact of the cold floor.
It never came.
I felt a strong pair of arms wrap around me and hold me close. The warmth that spread through me as I inhaled the intoxicating smell of my savior made me smile, just as I did before Jasper became so unbearably distant.
As I slowly opened my eyes, I looked directly into Jasper's tender gaze. He was different in a manner that I could not pin point what the transformation was-it was as if there was a sadness of an impending departure he was trying to convey.
I dismissed the feeling, simply reveling in the display of emotions that he was finally casting my way. He straightened, lifting me with him, no signs of relinquishing his hold on me evident.
"Jasper..." I breathed, dizzy with happiness.
"Bella...I see your clumsiness has kept you company." He said sadly.
"Yes...I am afraid that it is one companion that will never leave my side." I responded with a slight smile, attempting to lift his spirits.
The immediate downcast look that clouded his face warned me that my comment had the opposite effect. His eyes looked pained, pleading silently with me for something I did not know. As I made a move to step out of his arms, afraid of having done something wrong, he held me tighter to him. Sighing deeply, he began to talk.
"I...It is difficult for...Bella, I-" He was stammering for words, his thoughts scattered and incoherent. I silently waited for him to make up his mind.
Sighing again, he tried to speak again.
"I am aware that my...behavior has been less than pleasant lately, Bella. Things...problems...have arisen and have been consuming my time." He paused, collecting himself before continuing.
"I never wanted to hurt you with my actions Bella, and by the look in your eyes I can tell you have been pained at my expense." He said, looking at me sadly." And I despise myself for doing this to you."
The tortured look on his godly face made my heart shatter. I drew my hand to his cheek, cupping his face lightly, turning it so he it was facing me. His downcast eyes inched upward until they met my gaze, a somber smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. As I opened my mouth to tell him he was wrong, that he had no reason for such self hatred when he held his finger to my lips, silencing the arguments that were about ot be springing from them.
"You have to say nothing more Bella. I can feel it. And it adds all the more to the fire of loathing deep within me." He stopped abruptly, gently taking my hands in his.
"Jasper, you have nothing to hate yourself for. I am the one who has acted like an utter fool this entire time, begging for your time when you were so consumed by more important and pressing matters. It was all my fault, really." I babbled, desperate to find a way to comfort him. He once again pressed his finger to my lips lightly, silencing me as he had done moments ago.
"I have to tell you everything that I have been withholding Bella. I have let too much time pass and now...I am afraid that it is too late." His eyes pleaded with me to stay silent, and I complied. I braced myself for the words of rejection to come from his lips.
"You are the most amazing, caring, wonderful, beautiful woman that I have ever met. I find myself awed by your mere presence, Bella. In all the years of my entire existence there has not been anyone that I have ever cared for and wanted more than you. The moment that I set eyes on you at the ball I knew you were special...if Mrs. Hammond were here I would thank her with complete sincerity for setting up that retched ball where we met.
And as I spent more time with you, my awe only grew. Every detail that I uncovered about you only made me realize just how unique and great you were. And as I did, my affections for you also flourished."
I held my breath in anticipation. Never in my wildest dreams had I imagined that Jasper Whitlock would be confessing his affections for me, a simple ordinary girl. Jasper took a breath and continued.
"I found my affections to be more than that. I found that I...that I loved you, Isabella Swan. That I am irrevocably and completely in love with you." He said fiercely and with conviction. His hands had not let go of my own, and his gaze was ablaze with emotions that only proved the truth of his statement. I found my eyes tear up at this as I could no longer withhold my feeling. I had kept it all bottled up inside for far too long. And it was only a matter of time before things burst.
"I love you too Jasper! I have been in love with you for a long time, and cannot express the magnitude of my feelings for you in words. Everything about you entices me. Your laughter, charisma...everything. I love you, Jasper Whitlock." I said, surprising both Jasper and myself with my sudden straightforwardness. I blushed as I realized I blurted out my feelings for him without giving proper warning, as he had.
"Bella...nothing makes me more elated than to hear that you feel the same about me." He grinned madly as I threw my arms around his neck, pecking him on the cheek before he turned his head and met my lips with his own.
Kissing Jasper was something that I had only dreamed about. Never did I think that I would actually feel his soft lips against my own, the light pressure of his body against mine as our mouths moved together in perfect sync. He held me tenderly as I moved my hands up to his soft hair, clutching him closer. The sweetness of the moment was incomparable to any that I had ever experienced before. It was a moment I would never forget.
As our kiss ended, Jasper gave a small laugh, shaking his head from side to side.
"What's the matter? Why are you laughing?" I questioned.
"I...it's just that I hoped that I would be able to declare my love for you in a much more...upscale place. It is hardly romantic to declare your love to the woman of your dreams next to a staircase." He said, flinging his hands around as he spoke.
I stayed silent for a moment, mulling over his confession.
"Where did you want to inform me of your undying love, then?" I teased, glad that we were slowly returning to our easy banter that had been absent for the past few weeks. I felt a pressure being lifted from my chest, unaware that it was even there in the first place.
"I wanted to take you to the opera. A theatre production. Something along those lines. And then have a nice, romantiv dinner where I would tell you my hearts' desires." He whispered in a rough voice.
I wrapped my arms around Jasper and sighed contentedly. Just as I was closing my eyes, I felt Jasper tense. I glanced up to him, a puzzled look on my face as he shut his eyes, grimacing.
"What's wrong?" I whispered urgently, worried.
"There was a reason that I was unable to carry out the plans that I had for us, Bella. There are complications that you are not aware of, Bella." He muttered, turning his face to the side.
"You can tell me, Jasper. You can trust me." I whispered as he turned to look at me once again. His look was long and hard, scrutinizing the emotions displayed on them. After a minute of inspection, he began.
"My family is in trouble. Trouble that we cannot get away from. The oil company has been gathering large sums of money in debts that have left us in bankruptcy." He said morosely, letting the news sink in. I could do nothing more than to stare at him in horror.
"We have nothing left. The bank is to evict us and sell our belongings. We are destitute Bella. That is why I have been so distant lately. Why I have no more time to spend with you. I have been swamped with the problems of the bankruptcy." He did not look at me, simply looking down at out intertwined hands. It took a moment for me to find my voice, the shock of his confession settling in my mind.
"You...lost everything?" I said faintly. He merely nodded. "You...could have told me Jasper. Instead of keeping it inside, you might have spoken of your troubles. This is something...devastating. And even though you have nothing, even though you think I will not have you anymore because of this...I still love you." I whispered as tears began to sting my eyes. I knew by the look he gave me that my last assumption had been correct. His own eyes began to get watery, looking at me with desperation.
"I am so sorry Bella. I should have told you everything when I found out. I should have...and maybe I would have never done what I did." He gasped wildly as sobs began to wrack his body, just as they did my own.
"What...what are you talking about?" I managed to sputter between sobs.
"Bella...I...joined the...Confederate Army." He choked out, tears streaming down his face.
In that single moment I felt my heart twist painfully, as if a knife had plunged through it. A moment later, it felt as if someone had ripped said heart out of my body. The agony made it nearly impossible to breathe, though death did not seem unpleasant at the moment.
He was leaving. Joining the army, where he could get killed. Jasper was not coming back.
My sobbing escalated as my pain increased. I crumpled to the ground, Jasper holding me tightly to his chest as he tried to console me. He whispered words of comfort, tough I heard none. The only emotions were those of anguish rush through me, battering me. We sat at the base of the staircase as I continued to cry, hours dragging by as my tears soaked Jasper's clothing, nothing left that either one of us cloud do.
He promised to come back safely, to keep himself alive while out in the battlefields.
He promised to write every chance that he had, every week, at least.
He promised to gather enough money from his service to come back and help his family, and if he could spare any, to save enough so that he could marry me and start a family.
I sat silently, tears running down my eyes as he made those promises, accutely aware that he could not keep all of them.
You never got what you wanted.
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