Chapter 7- Lesson 2: Eating Like A Lady

This is utterly ridiculous.

"Uhm, Egg—I mean—Michael, buddy, is it needed in a 1st class party in the social circles of James Bond and Halle Berry, to tie their visitors' neck and feet to a chair that is nailed to the ground?" I asked dubiously, feeling the scarf around my neck and trying to move my head (and failed).

Eggy, garbed in a suit, clucked like a chicken and said, "when a proper lady eats, she does not bend or hunch her back. Nor, in any case, does she cross or position her legs in an unfeminine way. She must always sit straight and tuck her left leg under her right led ALL THROUGHOUT THE MEAL," he added crisply. "NOW EAT!"

"You know, I would love to but I am currently under complete control of Polka-dotted scarves and 2 inch thick ropes" I answered pleasantly.

He narrowed his little eyes and said, "those are merely objects to help you attain the proper position. Ms. Kinomoto, we have been practicing this for 2 hours already and you still haven't achieved anything. Must I add another 2 hours to the session?" he asked in a syrupy voice.

"Well, if the table wasn't placed 5 feet away from me and I can actually breathe and bend my body or reach the spoon or fork, I would love to," I said in the same voice.

"3 hours."

I held my tongue to keep from swearing. Another 3 hours with this crazy old hag and I might murder somebody (preferably him). Has anyone noticed that Eggy's been in a bad mood lately? He keeps on muttering to himself and venting his frustration on poor defenseless little 'hopeless cases' (like me) or scratching his bald head!.

When we arrived EARLY, he was so bad-tempered that he made my aunt, who is worse than a volcano, a woman who never explodes. "What if I lit a match under him? Will he explode?" I asked hopefully.

Meiling cast an amused glance at me. "Why?"

"Scrambled egg ala Eggnog is good for the bones."

"You better not. He'll skin you alive."

"Not if scramble him first, he won't," I told her confidently.

He went out. FINALLY.

Ahhh, I can almost imaging a delicious scrambled egg in front of me. Gingerly, I tried to move my head. Nope, rope's on the way. I tried to stretch out my hands, trying unsuccessfully to grab the fork and get a slice of the juicy tenderloin steak. ARGGGGHHHH!

A small sound caught my attention. Then, Li emerged from the entrance. He did a double take when he saw me. "W-what happened to you?" he asked, eyes gleaming with mirth.

"Tied up while waiting for my execution. HELP ME!"

He ignored me and looked at the juicy tenderloin steak. "Wow, delicious…" he said, walking up and standing just beside me. He grabbed the fork and took a slice. "Oh yum yum yum yum yum…," he deliberately whispered, face set in an arrogant smirk.

"Li, if you keep on provoking me, you will be unable to have any children by the time you're married, I swear to you," I threatened him, mouth positively watering at the sight of the sauce dripping from the piece.

He smirked even more. He picked up the forked and popped the slice of steak into his mouth. He made a slurping sound and sighed, "what a DELIGHTFUL piece of food… hmmm…"

"YOU'RE MAKING ME JEALOUS!"

"Is it working?"

"Y-NOO!"

"Then why are your eyes following my fork?"

"It's not."

He moved the fork to the right. My eyes followed. He moved it to the left. My blasted eyes still followed. He made fast circles. My eyes followed it until I was dizzy, "WILL YOU STOP THAT!' I yelled at him, irritated.

"Thought so," he said smugly. "Hungry?" he asked.

"No." Then, to my utter horror, my stomach chose that moment to growl. Loud. REAL LOUD.

He heard. HE HEARD! I watched with a sinking feeling as his mouth turned upwards in a slow, evil smile. Carefully, he cut a piece of beef and stabbed it with his fork. Then, he sniffed it and said in a Wolfgang Puck voice, "OH-HO! Deeeliiiieeeezzziiioouuuss! Hm!". He popped the slice in his mouth with a large smacking sound and licked his lips.

I'm going to kill him.

Picking up another piece with the fork, he held it under my nose as the smell wafted upwards into my nostrils. "Isn't it such a heavenly smell, Sakura?" he teased. Then he threw it in mouth. "Oops! I am so sorry but, unfortunately, the food loves my mouth!" he said cheerfully through chewing the piece. He picked up the plate and walked away, calling over his shoulder, "bye, Cherry!".

Nah, killing is too soft. First, I'm going to break his neck. Then, I'll skin him alive. After that, I'll hack him to pieces…

I was straining against the ropes. Seriously, I look like how Donald Duck looked like when he babysits the baby turtle. HE TOOK MY STEAK!

"Li?"

"Yeah?"

"Go to hell".

Unfortunately, Eggy chose that moment to come back. With the speed of an agitated bald orangutan, he was on my side and whacking my head once with the ballpen.

"LADIES DO NOT SWEAR!"

My eye twitched. "Tell me, oh mad bald one, is a man called a gentleman when he steals my food?"

Screw the etiquette lessons. I'm imagining a delicious hot scrambled egg with bacon and ice cream on the side…

He looked at me with bloodshot eyes. Scary. Hello, bald Dracula. Would you like Roasted Xiao-Lang Liver or Deep Fried Heir Thighs? My blood pressure went up with his reply: "That beefsteak wasn't on the menu. Ladies do not eat such meals wherein the calorie content is appalling. The beefsteak was for me".

Twitch.

He heard his cellphone rang and plucked it from his belt. "Hello?"

Twitchtwitch…

"Oh yes, hello, dear. What's the stitch?"

Twitchtwitchtwitchtwitch…

He suddenly smiled. "Tap dance? Wonderful! I'll be there right away!" In a flash, he was gone.

C-CRACK. BANG!

A millisecond later, Tomoyo and Meiling were at my side, grabbing me by both my sleeves. I'm going to kill him. I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!

Tomoyo struggled to keep me at bay. "How could she break the nails keeping the chair on the floor!". True enough, the chair was uprooted, bringing it onto my struggle to run after a boiled egg, since the ropes were still bound.

Meiling panted, "I have no idea! Where's Michael going?".

"Tap lessons," Tomoyo breathed.

I growled, my face scarlet, "You can't teach a scrambled egg new tricks!"

OOOOOooooOOOO

5 hours of torture later, I was finally back at my room. Changing my clothes, I bounded out of my room and down the stairs, intent on only one mission:

Revennnggggeeee. Bwahahahahahaha….

I found my victim in the music room. DANG! I was hoping for the pool or the fountain or the lake or the- whatever. Public Enemy 1 is currently listening to the stereo and reading comics. Seriously, their land is as big as a golf course. Why the heck does he spend such a great day locked in a stupid room where I can't do him in?

Oh wait, he lives here. He's probably done every thing to be done around the house.

And there's also the fact that it's already night.

I hid behind the piano, hoping that he was too engrossed in 50 cent's music to feel my presence. I swear he has supersonic hearing.

What kind of revenge should I do? Get his baby albums? No, too stupid. Strangle him? Nope, murder. Throw my shoe at him? too simple. My cap? No way, this baby's too expensive. How about BOTH my shoes?

Uh-huh. Yeah, right.

My bra?

Duh. Do you really think I would do that?

Just as I was about to give up and just throw a shoe at him, he suddenly got up and headed towards—you'll never believe my luck—the back. And at the back there was a pool, a fountain and where they do the laundry.

Don't you just LOVE water?

I stealthily followed him and prayed my prayer will be answered.

And it was.

I found Li standing near the edge of the pool. HURRRAAHHH! I felt a smirk crawl its way up my face. This is for getting my beefsteak…

Then something stopped me.

I stepped forward then retreated.

Holy shit, what is happening? IS THIS PMS? IT BETTER BE!

I was behind him now. My god, what is happening to me!

I have absolutely no desire to push Li into the pool!

I must be having an attack of nice!

Squelching that stupid feeling out of my chest, I hovered a hand against his back. But then, as if he suddenly sensed something bad was about to happen, he turned around and caught it.

"So are you going to seduce me now?" he teased, still not letting go.

I felt the heat on my face getting worse. I scoffed, "heck no! I was just… ah… feeling your aura and seeing if you are… uh… truly human…?"

He snorted, "that is the biggest bullshit I have ever heard."

"BUT IT'S TRUE!" I protested.

"Then what did you find?" he challenged me.

"You're a flobberworm," I said flatly.

Then, he laughed. That's it. My revenge got foiled. Damn. Just as I was contemplating to just push him in anyway (albeit the fact that he was still holding me), he gave me the box that I saw him holding before I had an attack of nice (damn attack).

I raised an eyebrow. "What is this?".

He shrugged. "Open it".

"This isn't a bomb, right? Cause if it is, you are going to destroy half you mansion and m-"

He rolled his eyes and cut me off, "just open it!".

And I did. And there, sitting on perfectly arranged rows, were cookies. Delicious-smelling cookies. I was dumbfounded. And in an attempt to regain my usual self, I looked at him suspiciously, "are you sure this isn't poisonous?".

He slapped a hand on his forehead in exasperation and, to prove a point, ate one. "See? no poison" he said simply.

"B-but why?" I asked, baffled.

"I deliberately provoked you a couple of hours ago, and since I know full well how Eggy tortures his clients, I guess it wasn't-uh- fair to you. So to… er… damn it, I'm not good at this… make amends, I am giving you this so you can eat, because I know you haven't eaten lunch yet," he said, looking relieved that he finally had that out of his system. He added, "besides, you're probably going to steal them, anyway". I didn't hear his glib, mainly because I was too busy staring at him.

"Thanks… I guess" I mumbled, still too dazed.

He smiled.

My heart skipped a beat.

Ho-ly crap.

WHAT AM I FEELING! Why am I suddenly marveling at the sight before me! WHY AM I THINKING THAT LI LOOKED STUNNING? Why is my heart banging against my chest?

This better be PMS, or else I'll eat my hat.

Then, I felt guilty all of a sudden. No matter how heartless I am sometimes, I am not heartless at the moment. I just can't believe he would do this. I feel guilty. HE gave me cookies while I was planning to push him into the POOL? Good Lord, I am soooo like Ivanna. Yuck.

"Uh—" I said intelligently. "I'm pretty much surprised and guilty, seeing as I planned to push you into the pool as revenge for the steak.."

He shrugged and smirked. "No big deal. I know that you were following me AGES AGO."

"You heard me?"

"Yes and add that to the fact that you are talking to a very handsome and smart heir that is trained in martial arts and other forms of fighting."

"Egoistic."

"I know. That's why you love me."

"Prove it," I challenged.

"You rescued me from Miyu".

"Engk. Wrong answer. I still hate you. I just hate bimbos even mo-"

I was cut off because at that moment, the sliding door opened. I turned my head and saw the monstrosity standing there. I gave a curse and gaped. I cannot believe what I am seeing…

"What?" he asked, puzzled. Since we somehow ended up on the other's position, I can see the back of the house while he can't. I was too baffled to speak. I just pointed at the direction of the entrance to the back of the house.

"What got your tongue all tied u- WOAH!" he yelled and did a double take, almost falling into the pool.

What did we see? Oh nothing, just Eggy standing there with a pained expression on his face, as if he was about to puke. He wasn't alone, though. He was with someone else.

Someone with the exact same gray eyes.

The same fat belly.

The same pudgy face.

The exact carbon copy of the Eggy currently standing with a pained expression on his face, only this one wasn't in a constipated mood. He was grinning. He, the happy one, winked at us and grinned, causing major brain damage on both Li and I. "Hey, man," he said jovially.

Eggy, OUR Eggy, coughed and said in a stiff, pained, constipated voice, "hello there. I would like you to meet…"

No….

"Raphael…"

Noooonononononononononononononono….

"… my identical twin".

A/n: So... do you like it? i hope it didn't bore you to death. in any case, THANK YOU for all the wonderful peeps who reviewed chapter 6! THANK YOU SO MUCCHHHHH!

Later and lotsa love,

CalCarrie

P.S PLEASE REVIEW!