Chapter 10 – Lesson 4: sex education

The sprain has healed completely. I should be happy. I mean, it's a bright Sunday morning. There are birds chirping, dogs dogging, turtles turtling, puppies pooing, heirs taking care of me, eggs egging, bimbos bimbos-ing…

Not.

Oh yes, I'm happy because not only do I have to attend lady lessons with a boiled egg that seems to be a terrorist in disguise, I'm going to be taught by not 1 but 2 EGGS! God, I'm so happy!

Note the heavy and extremely obvious sarcasm, please.

Can you believe it? The two people that nearly annihilated me are not behind bars! Oh yeah, they weren't fired and thrown in the middle of the ocean to be feasted on my man-eating sharks and hippopotamuses (though I doubt those bloody creatures could swallow them, seeing as I don't think they'd like the taste of a fat egg. Then again, maybe they do). Instead, the freakishly stupid board of old coots showered their rage on the helpless maintenance committee (who argued that they keep on telling them to replace it but they were too stupid and deaf to listen)! The 2 eggs had this pathetic excuse of a reason that they were not heavy enough to have cut and inevitably break the wire!

Good Lord, if they are thin then what do you call Kate Moss? A toothpick? Oddly enough, much to my surprise, even Li told the council that they should kill the Dumb Brothers. I must admit, this warm feeling that I'm pretty sure is ca- never mind. I've resolved not to nick his chocolates as payment… at least for 2 weeks. And while we are at the topic, I really don't know what's up with the guy these days. For a while there, I thought that it has something to do with happened at the hospital. And, if it does, I will scream because:

I don't know what happened.

I definitely don't know what happened.

I have a feeling that whatever happened may be embarrassing/stupid/horrifying.

No, seriously, it's like he's in a different planet these days (oh, wait. I have a feeling he IS an alien). He is so spaced out that he 'accidentally' ate dog food instead of human food during breakfast (What! Are you accusing me of replacing his breakfast for Kero's in an attempt to irritate him? AH, NEVER! Ohoho.). Much to my disbelief and irritation, he didn't pick an argument with me (or even just a bickering session, as I had hoped)! Conversation:

Me: Hey Li, did you know that what you ate is actually Kero's food?

Li: Hm? So?

Me: (cracks head on table) so you okay with it?

Li: huhn? Yeah.

Me: really? (gripping the hammer).

Li: Yeah.

Me: so what does it taste like?

Li: cool.

Silence.

Me: OH MY GOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TODAY, YOU GORMLESS OIK? (strangles him by the neck)

In any case, he is seriously starting to (against my will) worry me. He didn't even go after my hide when I nicked and flushed his Air Jordans down the toilet (sadly, it did not went down the drain. It only got…er… minimally damaged…?). I am seriously hoping that Eggy and Fatty are the ones responsible for this, so I can finally have an excuse to exterminate them. Now, wouldn't that be DANDY? Come to think of it, I prefer having to do fifty laps around the field than to be stuck in house with the 2 swots.

The point is, if brought together, Dumb and Dumber (FATTY AND EGGY) are practically the crappiest and most useless teacher on the face of the planet. If I endure one more lesson like the last one I had I may have to kill myself.

Yesterday (Saturday), they taught me the proper way to talk. It was, with lack of a better word, disastrous. You see, Eggy is a refined (bleargh) man who doesn't swear. Fatty, on the other hand, seems to be a prat with the middle name of 'shuckrap'. Once, when Eggy asked, "what will you do when a girl accuses you of stealing her love interest even though you did nothing wrong?", I answered, truthfully saying half of what was on my mind.

"Er… you bitch?"

Then, all hell broke loose. Eggy would become Mojojojo and scream at me, saying the usual, "that is not a way a lady talks!" speech he always gets into whenever I'm doing something good and kind. Humph. Only this time, someone would contradict him. Recap:

"That is not how a proper lady talks! She should polite and quietly deny the accusation!" Eggy yelled, eyes gleaming.

I argued indignantly and said, "that isn't even what I had in mind. That someone insulted me for no good reason at all! If anything, I should call her a 'conceited and rude bitch!"

"A LADY DOES N—!"

"YES!" Fatty interrupted. "Good choice of words, Sakura! As a piece of advice, you should say," he then raised his voice 5 octaves higher,making anybody within a 2 feet (or mile) radius deaf, "'well, bitch, I don't see why I stole him, seeing as I don't see you piss at him. And frankly, because of that, I don't think he's your property! So, honey, I'll flirt with your 'friend' now. Bye, you conceited bitch!'" He winked at me and said, "that is how you should do it! Fight swearwords with swearwords! You'll never win if you use my twin's crappy tea-!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN CRAP-?"

"I MEANT WHAT I SAID!"

Then they fought and fought, leaving me to wallow in my misery. I don't know which one is stupider, seeing as they failed to overlook the important and obvious fact that I do NOT flirt or steal boyfriends from their bimbos. I don't even LIKE boys, for pete's sake. Fighting over a stupid boy? God, how cheaper can you get?

Sadly, the lesson yesterday was NOTHING compared to what happened today.

OoOooOo

They forced me to abandon my softball practice for this?

"Uhm…Eggy…, I know that beneath that shiny bald head is a gay man's brain, which is filled with god-knows-what, and under that 102 inched belly is perfectly good breakfast but," I glanced at the suspiciously familiar-looking book, "what does sex education have that will help me to my 'path of femininity and crap'?"

Eggy sighed with frustration and said snippily, "I told you! A young lady must be aware of one of the most common problems in the juvenile world today: premarital sex. In this lesson, you will learn what position you'll be in- a bad one, obviously- when you engage in this, the cause and effects, how to resist and other related topics."

I looked at him incredulously. "God, you mean I'm going to discuss my reproductive systems with you and your brother?" I asked, aghast. "LIKE HELL I WILL!"

"NO!" Eggy yelled, stomping between the 2 reading tables and snapped, "didn't you have sex education when you were in your junior year?"

"We did!" I snapped back. Duh, why'd you think I hate junior year so much? "And that's exactly what we did on one point! It was seriously horrifying!"

"Well then," Fatty entered the scene, a handful of CDs at hand. "Trust me, Sakura, you will never forget this one!"

"To tell you the truth, that is exactly what I'm afraid of."

"Oh, just shut up and listen."

My eyes widened and I started backing away. "Holy crap, you're not going to make me watch Barney Videos and bold movies, are you?" I dashed for the door.

"HOLD IT!" the mad loons bellowed. Each of them latched an arm around mine and dragged me back to the chair. As I desperately tried to get away, Fatty laughed evilly and said, "this will be the best lesson of your life!".

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

OOoOooooOoOoOo

"… and they made recite the whole cause and effects and then they made me watch a video of a mother giving birth! It was sooo… gah!" I screeched as I buried my had on the pillow. "I'm scarred for life!" I gasped.

Eriol, who was sprawled on the rug, laughed uproariously. "Oh, I know that video! It was… uh… very… interesting? I wouldn't exactly know 'cause I kept my eyes closed the whole time. Right, Li?"

"Yeah. The only way we were able to know how the lesson went is by the expression on everyone's faces! The most hilarious one was Tomoyo's!" Li cackled, wiggling his eyebrows at Tomoyo.

She reddened. "My reaction was normal compared to the rest! If you two dunderheads weren't covering your eyes, I bet both of you would be blind by now!" she said defensively.

I nodded in agreement. I am seriously thinking of beheading the two baldies for poisoning my innocent mind. Those two bald idiots! Not only did they make me watch that horrifying video, the old loons took the name 'sex education' the wrong way! Oh yeah, I know what position I'm gonna be if I do that! They taught me not the position I'm going to be in after I did it illegally (i.e. homeless, probably disowned with a crying baby in my arms), they instead taught me the positions I'm supposed to be in if I wanna have the best monty (i.e. sex) of my life! And as a souvenir, they gave me a condom! A CONDOM!

God, from now on, I hate butterflies… and chocolates… and ice creams.

While I was plotting for a way to kill the 2 eggs, Eriol and Tomoyo stood up. "Well guys, Tomoyo and I will buy some food for my house and the things needed for the White House project. We'll see you later".

"Bye, Sakura! Make sure you don't have any ice cream in the house!" Tomoyo teased. With a soft thud, the door closed.

"I am seriously thinking of strangling either one of them" I muttered. Li took out a candy and popped it in his mouth.

He tossed some chips to me and snorted. "Dream on, Kinomoto". Then, he raised an eyebrow and, smirking, casually asked, "sooo… wanna try the butterly position?"

CRASH!

"HEY! That's a Versace lamp you almost broke, you prat! I was only joking! STOP THROWING THE DVDS! AHHH!"

OOOo Eriol's place. 8:00 pm OOoo

I rang the doorbell at Eriol's place. The intercom crackled as I wait at behind the iron gates. A voice sounded from the small box. "Hey Li, is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me," I answered. "Let me in".

The gates opened and I entered, swiftly walking towards the entrance of Eriol's abode, the statue on the right looking foreboding and eerie as I passed it on the way. The doors immediately opened before I could knock and Eriol himself invited me in. Once inside, I immediately asked, "do you have it? Where's Tomoyo?"

Eriol cocked his head towards one of the many hallways spread out on the entrance hall. "In the library. We got our hands on some interesting information about her. You should check it out." He walked towards the nearest hall to our right.

I nodded and followed. For the past few days, Eriol, Tomoyo and I have been scrounging around for any clues that could help us figure out what happened to Sakura. Eversince the hospital incident, I've been obsessed with solving this problem. I thought that it would explain why she's so… closed. I figured that the reason all those therapists and counselors failed is because they were all so hell bent on making her bend to their will and change without even bothering to find out what happened that made her this way. So now, I'm taking a risk. I know she'll kill me and—God forbid—probably hate me for probing in her life without her knowledge but if this will—even in a small way—put a smile on her face, then I don't care.

We entered the library, a vast circular room laden with shelves full of books. They practically reach the ceiling, I think. At the far end, a huge window almost as tall as the ceiling rose up, covered in rich velvet curtains, behind a black and business-like chair and table. The chandelier shone down on the whole room, right above another table flanked with 4 overstuffed couches. One was currently occupied by Tomoyo and the table littered with papers, newspapers and videos.

I sat on an unoccupied one. "So what have we got?"

Tomoyo handed me a white folder. As I scanned the contents, she said, "at the age of 20, Nadeshiko married and bore the daughter of one of the most successful business tycoons of the century." She pointed at a picture of a seriously ugly guy with black eyes and auburn hair (what a combination).

Realization dawned. I looked at her incredulously and exclaimed, "Tomas Chien? That rich old coot? President of Chien Inc.? I thought he's married to that model—what's her name again?—Hikaru something?"

"Yes, they were married about a year ago. And about 2 months before that, Nadeshiko filed for divorce. They were officially separated a short time later."

I shook my head helplessly. "God, did they even love each other?".

Tomoyo smiled wryly. "Well, they were married for 17 or so years. Actually, there's more. A year ago, Nadeshiko filed for divorce, right? A year ago, Chien married another woman too, leaving his ex-wife and their 17 year old daughter to fend for themselves. And a year ago, sometime after the divorce, is when this daughter started acting strangely. And that girl is none other than our very own Sakura".

"Strange in what way?" I asked curiously.

Tomoyo glanced at Eriol. He nodded and, getting hold of the control, turned on the TV, and with another, the DVD player. "You were right when you thought of how Sakura's not really this way. Check this out," Tomoyo said. We watched as the screen brightened and bright colors mixed together to form a picture of a white grand piano, it's smooth surface illuminated by the sunlight streaming from the vast window behind it. I wasn't looking at the piano, though. I was looking at the little girl in a pink dress playing 'Mary had a Little Lamb' on the piano.

"That's Sakura when she was about 5 or 6 years old," Eriol said quietly.

In the screen, little Sakura flipped her head back and grinned straight at the camera, her green eyes crinkling as her mouth turned upwards. "Look, mom! Look, I can play the piano!" she laughed gleefully, her short legs swinging.

We watched videos of a 5…6…8…10 year old Sakura until we got to video where a teenage 14 year old girl stared blearily at the screen. The auburn haired girl—the one that I wanna know—grumpily pulled the bedsheets over her head. "Mum!" she whined, "It's 7:30 in the morning!"

Nadeshiko, holding the camera, laughed. "Exactly! You've wasted 7 hours of your 14th birthday! Now get up! Everybody's waiting for you downstairs!". The Sakura on screen stubbornly refused and asked, "why?"

"Well, for one thing, Jake's downstairs".

"WWWHHHAAAATTT?" she screamed. 5 seconds later, Sakura was dressed, combed and garbed in a pink dress. Grabbing her mother by the shoulders, she asked anxiously, "JAKE IS HERE? WHAT ABOUT DAD?". Nadeshiko laughed, making the camera shake. "Of course!".

Sakura smiled nervously. "Oh mom, do you think they'll like my new dress?"

Nadeshiko replied, "with that beautiful smile and shining face, who wouldn't?"

After that, the screen went blank. Nobody spoke for a few seconds. Then, Tomoyo piped up, "freaky, eh?".

I agreed. "Definitely."

"From what I heard, Tomas was always ALWAYS disappointed at her. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that all those gifts and expensive jewelries were given to her by her father with hopes of covering up her imaginary flaws. When Sakura became student council vice president, he wanted her to be the president. When she did, he wanted her to actually BE the student council itselt. Alone. That's why she works so hard to please him." Tomoyo put down the file.

Eriol pushed his glasses back up. "But all that changed about 14 months ago, Sakura's grades- usually so high- began to drop. She broke off all ties with friends and cousins. It was also the time when she did some heavy rule breaking. A string of therapists failed to find out why. She smoke and drunk heavily. Fortunately, she stopped her habit with the help of a renowned therapist, Nakuru Urami. So now, we arrive at the present Sakura, the one that we know, the one that excels in both athletics and academics, and the one that we never see smiling."

I let out a puff of air. "There's something I want to know." I picked up the control and turned the TV on. With a little playback, we again saw Sakura asking, "JAKE IS HERE?"

"Who's Jake?"

"We're working on it. Don't worry, Eriol and I will find out".

"No," I corrected, a half smile on my face. "We will find out".

a/n: sooo.. like the chapter? i'm sorry if it's short but my old comp just crashed and deleted the original chapter (which is about 2 pages longer)! THANK YOU FOR ALL WHO REVIEWED! you guys are so wonderful!