Ruby Moon's Guide to Life and Love?

The Wonderful World of dating?

MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS?

I looked around the room and yelled, "okay, egg-I mean, Michael, if you plan on teaching me how to walk again, I will chop my legs off and hurl them at your bald—and red—head!". I don't think I can endure another lesson like that again, seeing as I saw a very traumatizing thing when I tripped. Unless, of course, these books are here because, say, the Dumb Brothers are having a hard time picking up a girl—or, in Eggy's case—a guy. I was about to hoist my bag up and stalk towards the exit when a snippy voice piped up.

"Unfortunately, I believe my brother and I can't stick around for you to place a shoemark on our heads", the snippy voice said.

I rolled my eyes and faced the scrambled egg, who was near the door leading to the exit (how did he get there?), and asked (in a delighted voice), "why not?".

"Oh, nothing, really. It's just that for the next lesson, we will be the one teaching you," a verrrrryyyyy familiar voice said. A feminine voice.

I looked at Tomoyo in confusion, "baldy here actually transferred his abuse of power to you? Okay," I said, addressing Eggy this time, "what did you eat today?"

Eggy huffed his chest out. "For your information, I ate lasagna, salad and prosciutto and melon sauce in fetuccini pasta (prosti—wha-? God, no wonder he's so fat). A perfectly normal breakfast! The reason I am allowing Lady Daidouji here to temporarily replace me is because I have not yet… ah mastered the lesson you will about to learn".

"Is that just a sophisticated way of saying that you seriously suck at whatever the hell it is she's about to teach?"

"DO NOT SWE-!"

"What's the lesson, anyway?" I asked curiously, smirking as I felt a triumphant feeling of joy when all that was left in the room were people with hair (i.e., no Eggy! I can swear! YESSS!).

To my… uh… suspicion, Tomoyo smiled…. Eeevvviiilllyyy, like how Mini Me does, albeit a more decent and taller imitation. Dragging Eriol, who appeared with a bored Li, she whipped out a chart with the title hidden, grabber the books and said gleefully, "today, Sakura, we, together with the Li and Eriol, will explore," she picked up the Ruby Moon's Guide to Life and Love, "… the weird and wonderful world of dating (Dating? WHAT DATING?)…", she showed me the book with the same title, "… the gorgeous—well, the hot ones, anyway—specimen we call…"

She brandished the 'Men are from mars, Women are from Venus'

"…. Boys".

Oh F(beep)ing f(beep)ing s(beep)y hell.

OoOoOoOoOo

"Daidouji, you and I both know that I am going to ask this question: why am I here again?" I asked in a grumpy voice. "Because, as far as I can tell—and I think it's visible and obvious to anyone who has a brain—that I am practically and expert in that field, even though I don't have their stupidity, immaturity and 'family jewels'".

"Are we stupid?" Eriol asked Li, who smirked and said, "stupendously perfect, yes. Stupid, definitely not".

I shook my head in disbelief and straightened on my chair. "SEE? See how stupid they are? They don't even know their own sex! I say you release me and give them," I pointed at the 2 male teenagers, "the lesson, you can pitch Eggy in, too, since the bloke seriously thinks he has boobs. Oh, and Fatty, who is in danger of turning gay, is a must have".

Tomoyo smiled at me and laughed. "We know that you're a teeny—ok, not so teeny—bit mannish, Sakura. What we will show you today is the SIDE of the opposite sex that attracts us, women, to them. Not only that, we'll be giving you the dibs on dating. The hot ones, I mean. Like these two," she pointed at the 'hot' ones, "although that is based on the female population that does not include me".

I pretended to gag and look confused. "Hot? Where? All I see are 2 frogs waiting to be castrated. Other than that, nothing. Nada. Nil."

"oh puullleeassse," Li drawled. "You weren't so keen on castrating me when you sneaked into my room yesterday and saw me half-na—".

"That was because I was trying to wake you up, idiot!"

"With a bucket of chocolate syrup?"

"I was thinking of th-!"

Eriol stood up and waved a hand between us. Sweatdropping, he grinned and chuckled. "Stop discussin you sex life in front of Tomoyo and I. Now, the first thing we will teach you is that men are han-"

"No!" Tomoyo cut off, "we must introduce to her first the theory that must be know by every female willing to learn the secrets of men and their habits!". At this outburst, I sniggered and guessed, "what theory? The Why Men have such Bad Body Odor Theory?"

Eriol scratched his head and shrugged, saying, "I don't exactly know about the whole theory thing but I DO know that I have no body odor. Hey, I'm a guy". With this, Tomoyo sighed and, a second later, a hug blackboard stood right in front of me, these words were written in intricate letters:

Let us tell you about a cute desert rat that lives in the land of the cactus.

"Rat!" Eriol repeated indignantly. "Of all the animals you can choose from, you chose a measly rat?"

"Oh, be quiet. I added cute, okay?"

… of the cactus. The female stakes out a territory and stays there. The male, on the other hand, is driven by a desperate DESPERATE need to spread his seed as widely as possible and pass on his gerbil genes to the next generation. So the male runs his little legs til they break, visiting female after female, trying to beat out his buddies. Fortunately for the girls who DON'T want to have anything greasy and…uh… small in their pants, he dies early. The female stays put and raises her you and lives a good long life.

Tomoyo explained, "this story means that throughout the animal kingdom, males compete and females choose. And that goes for human animals, too. She who is able to bear young—and for humans, even those who CAN't bear young—gets to choose. We are part of the animal kingdom, where girls set the limits and the guys compete for their attentions. This short story here is known as the Desert Rat Theory of Human Sexuality".

"Uh-huh…" I mocked an expression of enlightenment. "So that's why they're such..ahh… perverts, as you say?". I pointedly ignored the sounds of protests coming from 2 who are included in the Race of Perverts.

"But even though guys have dozens of confusing and annoying ways to make you age prematurely, we can confirm your worst suspicions that a guy who taunts you is generally quite fond of you".

"Really?" I asked. Now, who takes pleasure in torturing the hair out of me? GASP! With a smirk on my face, I swiveled around my seat and yelled, "hey, Li! I didn't know you had the hots for me!"

he blushed and, trying to regain composure, glared at me and rolled his eyes, "disgusting! What would I like in you?"

I glared. "What's that supposed to mean, huh?"

He shrugged and drawled, "well, in your deluded language, you are a parrot".

"then you are a freakin' ass".

"Pervert!"

"Pedophile!"

"Pig!"

"Akira's armpit!"

"Okinawa's butt!"

"Oranguta—!"

"Okay!" Eriol interrupted. "Save all your lovers' quarrel in the bedroom! Let Tomoyo have her say!"

Looking relieved, Tomoyo thanked Eriol and said, "Okay, now, when it comes to dating the opposite sex, (a stupid, brainless opposite sex, might I add) there are 5 types of boys that you should date BEFORE you get hitched. They are…"

OoOOoOIoOOoOooOoOOI

"…. the bad boy, the good boy, the older man, the boy toy, and the overachiever. So, which one are you?" I asked Li an hour after the lesson was over.

Seated in a stool beside the island in the kitchen, he shrugged and said, "none".

"Why?". I drained my glass of Gatorade and settled back. If you are wondering why we stopped calling each other names, it is because we have decided to move on and have a civilized chat, free from name-calling and object-throwing.

No, actually, it was just because Eriol threatened to make us eat plain wheat bread for dinner while he and Tomoyo feasted on pork chops and salad. Nevertheless, I am still peeved at the heir. For some reason, I do not find it funny that he doesn't like anything in me. Peeved at him because he made me care about what he thinks of me. Peeved at him because I wouldn't care about anyone's opinion back then. Peeved at him that he DARED compare my face to Miyu's overlarge butt! A BUTT! I may not care much about my appearance, but I definitely know that I am WAAAAYYYY more attractive than the stupid (and corpse-to-be) cheerleader. Am I really that unattractive to him? STOP IT! RARGHHH….. stop thinking about that, Sakura….oooohhhh, I hate him. I don't know why.

Anyway, back to the conversation. His reply was:

"For one thing, they are seriously stereotypical, especially in the literary and entertainment world. The bad boy is often portrayed as dumb and cynical, the good boy's a nerd, the older man fat and Eggy-like, the boy toy too innocent and the overachievers are often Marty Stues who are man sluts. I am definitely more versatile than that".

"So… what you are telling me is that you're cynical, nerdy, innocent, fat and a man slut all at the same time?"

"NO! And don't you think being a man slut and innocent are kind of contradictory?"

"So you're saying you're not a man slut?"

"I never said I'm a man slut… which I'm not" he added defensively, causing me to snort. He then smirked and asked casually, "what's this sudden interest on my sex life anyway? Are you, by any chance, insinuating that you want to be part of i—".

I huffed and slapped him on the shoulder. "Oh please, I am not thinking of joining you in bed, wise guy".

His smirk, if anything, widened. "I never said you want to sleep with me. You're the one putting words on my mouth. Are you sure you're not interested? Because, man, Sakura, all these slapping seems to imply how entertaining you are in be—MMF!" he choked as I effectively shut him up by stuffing his big mouth with popcorn.

My pleased expression upon seeing him choke (unfortunately not to death) turned into a killer, red glare. "Dream on. I ain't talking about—or interested at—anyone's sex life. Especially one as gross as yours".

He rolled his eyes and drawled, "oh suuurrrreee. Think what you want. Anyone with a brain can see you want me".

"I hear nothing. I see nothing".

"Seriously. At the topic were currently at, I'm not going to be at all surprised if you suddenly ask me what Eggy's favorite sex position is".

SILENCE.

He looked at me and laughed, quirked an eyebrow and asked disbelievingly, "you really want to KNOW!"

"I AM NOT INTERESTED AT EGGY'S FREAKISH SEX LIFE!"

"Silence usually means 'yes'" he said simply.

"WHAT IS IT WITH BOYS AND SEX? WHY ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS?"

"Uh, because you opened the topic?" he pointed out, stating the obvious. I blushed.

Recovering nicely, I rolled my eyes. "All I asked was whether you're a man slut or not. For pete's sake, all men are so green-minded".

"I admit that I MAY be submitted to the evil power of hormones now and then, but a few guys out there are really decent. Look at Eriol. I mean, the guy spells 'gentleman' all the way. If he were Akira, I bet something is going on with him and Tomoyo by now".

SILENCE.

I paled and looked at Li. "Oh god, you don't think…?"

SILENCE

BAM! I scrambled up the staircase, grabbing the first weapon I saw that can inflict pain (which turned out to be a very deadly-looking…uh… egg beater) and dashed towards Eriol's room, where we had the lesson. I seriously tried not to let Eggy's crappy sex education get to me… and failed. I will KILL Eggy for killing my innocent mind.

When we were 3 meters away from the door, Li shushed me and leaned close to the door, gesturing for me to follow suit. When our ears were finally glued to the door's surface, we heard voices (duh).

"Come on, you know you want it" Eriol's voice cajoled from the inside.

I gasped.

"I-I don't think I want to Eriol. You heard what Teen Magazine said, right?" Tomoyo's faltering voice answered.

"Why?" her about-to-be-killed-by-me friend asked.

Li started singing, " I'll mix your milk with my cocoa puff. Milky, milky cocoa mix your milk with my cocoa pu-!"

"QUIET!"

"It's good. I promise" Eriol insisted.

"Isn't it really messy? Like, you know, sticky and stuff?"

Li feigned crying with happiness. "I'm going to have grandchildren—I mean—nieces! Oh joy!" he tearfully (hideously) sobbed

"No, it's not" he protested. "Fine, if you won't believe me, I'll prove it to you".

"nooo!"

"Come on. It's gives you a very nice feeling. Plus, it's healthy. See? Healthy and pleasurable at the same time!".

"No. Omg, what are you doing? NOO!" Tomoyo shrieked.

"That's it" I snarled. Shoving Li out of the way, I kicked down the door, egg beater raised and ready to shout my battle cry (eeeiiiahhhh!). Well, about to since before my foot came in contact with the door, Eriol opened it and said dryly and amusedly at the same time, "well, you'd think visitors would have the decency not to eavesdrop on the private conversations of their host now, would you?"

"Outta my way!" I yelled. I rushed to Tomoyo and shook her by the shoulders, demanding and yelling at the same time, "okay, what did the desert rat do to you? I know it! the opposite sex cannot be trusted! You need help!"

"Help?" Tomoyo repeated, looking confused. "Why would I need help?"

"W-wasn't he trying to force himself on you?" Li blurted.

SILENCE

OOooOoOoO

"Okay, so you mean to tell me that you, Eriol, were trying to get Tomoyo to eat…" Li furrowed his eyebrows, "… a freakin' cookie?"

"Yessss…." Eriol agreed slowly.

"And why would Tomoyo refuse to eat a cookie?"

"Because I am on a diet, for a reason that is highly private" Tomoyo said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Yes!" Eriol jumped at the chance to defend himself. "I was merely trying to goad her to eat the tasty and delicious food we call sweets"

"By a cookie?" I snickered, raising an eyebrow.

He turned beet red, "that was just a… ah… thing to tempt her to enter the world without dieting. Know what I mean?"

"Actually, we don't" we both said matter-of-factly.

"Whatever. The point is, Eriol, if you ever lay a hand on dear Tomoyo, although I'm sure she wouldn't mind it one bit (insert latter's red face), I will make sure you will be locked up in a gay bar, okay?" I said pleasantly. "Or if not, this powerful egg beater of mine will be lodged in a place where does not EVER see the light of day".

Without waiting for an answer, Li grabbed me by the collar and dragged me back towards the kitchen, muttering, "god, Kinomoto, you are such a green-minded chipmunk!".

Huhn. Whatever. All to protect my race of intelligent species we call women.

When the door closed behind us, Tomoyo looked at Eriol and asked, "there is something that I wanted to ask about your gender…."

"What? Why male heirs like Li are attracted to murdering girls like Sakura?"

"No..." she answered.

"What is it, then?"

Looking him straight in the eye, she asked uneasily, "Is it true that guys do not wear towels when go to the shower?"

OoOOoOOo

Miyu stomped around the vast room, seething as her cronies watched her. Angrily, she whirled around and faced them, three or four days after the locker incident. "That conniving bitch! She taped the whole thing!"

"So what are we going to do?" one of said cronies asked. "We have to destroy that tape, or at least steal it. I mean, if that gets out, you'll be ruined for life".

Miyu looked at her dryly. "I know that, idiot. We'll think of something. We always do…"

"watch out, kinomoto" she whispered. "Okinawas are not push-overs".

OoOooOo

Ring Ring Ring.

Meanwhile, Miyu's object of obsession was currently fast asleep… and determinedly ignoring the stupid ringing of the phone. When he couldn't ignore it any longer, he cursed and grabbed it. "Hello?" he demanded gruffly.

"Uh… Li?"

"Eriol, what is it with you and night hours? God, I asked you to help me while getting enough sleep at the same time, not tire yourself out! Aren't you drowsy or something?"

"Nope. Tomoyo's here too, by the way. I guess it must be a gift. Anyway, your information really helped us. We found out who Jake is. Contrary to our guesses, he is not her best friend, he is not her ex-boy friend, not even her cousin…"

I jolted awake at that. "What? Well, who is he?"

"… he's her stepbrother".

a/n: sooo... how's you like the chapter? THANK YOU FOR EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED! i'm seriously sorry for all the mistakes but i'm in a hurry right now. i'll edit if i have time. read and review pls!

later and lotsa love,

Calcarrie