Someone made the point that I keep referring to Akito as a guy; although I am past 17 and absolutely love female!Akito this story is from the POV of Yuki and he doesn't know about it (or, he doesn't before book 19, which is all I've read to, thank you very much) and would therefore refer to Akito as 'he' and not 'she'. If I do later on do something from Shigure's, Aaya's, Hatori's or even Akito's POV (which is unlikely in the least because this story is about Yuki) then I will use 'she'.

Dedication: Stupidity is No Excuse, you are amazing. And I love you. And keep doing what you do because you are amazing.

Depending on what you lot say, this is probably the second to last chapter. ;)

Consequences

Tokyo…

I could escape. Life without Akito, life without fear, life without being cold and isolated and a life where I could actually love him and be in love with him without having to hide. It was absolutely, utterly perfect.

And yet…

I couldn't…

The idea of living without Akito, although supposedly absolutely ideal, was… in actuality, horribly frightening. It was an instinct inside of me that demanded that he was present in my life, and it would be cold, dark, bitter without him, my world wouldn't be the same without him. He wasn't my air or my sun or anything so ridiculously cliché, but he had to be there or my life had no meaning – with or without Kakeru.

It wasn't a pathetic overstatement on Akito's part to keep us to himself; to us there really was no such thing as love, because we'll never have the capacity to love anyone but him. I loved him, totally adored him, but I needed Akito. I looked up into Kakeru's hopeful eyes and then I knew what it meant to be cursed. I was never to love anyone else, and he couldn't possibly understand why.

"I can't," I whispered, and the hurt in his eyes was just too, too much.

"Okay," he replied, and started to walk away.

"Kakeru," I choked, and he turned round.

"I don't understand you, but I guess that's always been part of the charm. Yuki, I'm leaving at the end of the month for Tokyo, just after graduation. I'm not gonna pressure you, or force you into something you don't want, but I'm not gonna throw my life away to a lost cause." I felt myself break a little inside that he'd given up on me, but what would I do in his situation? "I. Love. You. But I won't be second best, not again, not anymore. If you wanna stay here with your family, that's fine, but I'm going. You've got a month – well, more like two and a half weeks, and I'll ask you the same question then." He reached over, kissed me gently. "Please, think about it," he murmured as he pulled away and walked down the corridor.

A month. Two and a half weeks. A lifetime.

What was I going to do?

From then, I was alone again. He wanted to give me time to think, I suppose, and besides, us two being seen together was far, far too dangerous, especially with the school now notified that we were not to be together (quite what story they'd told I'd never know, but having the Sohma name meant you could pretty much get away with anything). It was a mixture of sense and logic that I almost couldn't take, never one for those sorts of things anyway. I didn't want time to think, I wanted to spend every single moment I could with him.

Because I already knew what my answer was going to be. It was mocking me from the inside, counting down the days until I'd have to tell him. There was no way at all that I'd ever be able to leave Akito. I had to stay, here, with him, burn and rot in my loneliness with nothing left.

I think part of the reason Kakeru kept me away was that he knew what my answer would be too; had known since the beginning, could see just how much I needed my family. He'd never understand why, but he understood that this was just how things had to be. He knew that I would never say yes and he was putting it off, putting off the loneliness and hurt that we'd both have to suffer. It was inevitable and yet us both, so human, could do nothing but try and avoid it.

Akito didn't bother coming to the graduation ceremony. I sat next to Kyo, my face simply staring at the ground. He, equally despondent, would occasionally catch my eye and smile almost sadly. We'd both expected so much more for this day; we'd both thought that by now our lives would be so, so much better. And yet here we were, so many years later, and he, still due for confinement, and I, due for something much worse; a confinement that was voluntary, and just proved to me just how much I needed this life, no matter how much I hated it and tried to get out of it. It reiterated every time Akito had called me weak, pathetic, and preyed on the fact that I needed him, needed all of them.

After we left the hall, I watched Kyo quietly walk away beside Hatori and get in a black car, which drove off almost instantly. I could see Tohru out of the corner of my eye; unknowing, she chatted to Momiji, whilst the car pulled away and left both of us alone. "Hey," Kakeru murmured, and I turned to face him, revelling in the proximity, the simple fact I could see him. "Shall we take a walk?" He gestured out to the side of the school, and I nodded, walking with him until we'd managed to escape the majority of people. His hand came up and he gently thumbed across my lip. "I would have stayed with you forever," he whispered softly.

"I know," I choked out in reply, feeling myself begin to shake.

"I don't suppose there's any need for me to ask, is there?" I kept staring at the floor, until he pulled me into a hug, desperate and hard. "I'm going to miss you so much," he whispered.

I gripped onto the sleeves of his top frantically, shaking my head. "I can't – " I stammered, though whether I was pleading for him not to leave or trying to make him understand why I couldn't go I wasn't sure.

"Yuki, it would be unfair of me to demand that you leave your family. You need them. But I can't stay here any longer, I'm being sent to Tokyo to live with an aunt." He smiled. "I'm no longer any use to my mother, and it's up to the family to place me somewhere where I am useful." He sighed, long and hard, and closed his eyes. "I can't disobey them, and I can't exactly announce I want to stay where I am to live with my boyfriend." He grinned, but it only stretched one side of his mouth before he let it drop and looked out across to the hordes of parents assembling by the gate.

"Don't – " I whispered, gripping harder, my head still shaking. He gently prised my hands free and kissed my forehead once.

"I will write to you," he lied, and walked away. I wrapped my arms around myself and watched him go, sinking back against the wall. He joined his mother and didn't look back.

I sat and thought on my bed for a very, very long time. Knowing that Kakeru was gone, forever, hurt a hell of a lot more than it had before where he was simply there but unreachable; before I had seen his face, known he was okay, but I was never going to see him again. Kyo was gone, Tohru was staying with friends, and I was by myself in the house, lost in my thoughts and never feeling more alone. I walked to the window, looking out at the sky, and wondered whether Kakeru was in Tokyo yet and staring at it and thinking of me… would he ever think of me again? I knew that I wouldn't stop… not for a very long time…

I realised, then, that although my life without Akito was unbearable, darkness, quenching nothingness, life with him was so, so much worse.

I turned, resolve firm, and snatched up the bag I'd taken on countless school trips. I methodically packed any clothes which were new or barely worn, a few strong pairs of shoes, a handful of money I kept by my bed, the phone we bought – I tried to ring, but it cut off halfway through the call; he was probably on the plane anyway, and unable to answer. I pushed the bag over one shoulder and looked around my room, a soft smile on my face, before making my way down the stairs and picking up my coat. "If you're going to fly to Tokyo you might have some trouble getting a ticket tonight," Shigure said from inside the living room, eyes trained on the television.

"Airlines always leave free seats just in case," I muttered, glad he wasn't trying to stop me – or was this way of doing so?

"I didn't mean that, Yuki," he said softly, and I realised with terror what the television was depicting. I stood in the doorway and watched that aircraft burn – there was nothing left, pieces of metal dropping off, the flames dripping across everywhere and making it black, black, black – and my heart filled with a terrible fear, bound for Tokyo, the announcer told me, along with no survivors.

(it can't be his plane it can't be he wouldn't leave me he promised he wouldn't ever leave me but he'd already left and I'm really never gonna see him again oh God what have I done)

I had to know – I had to know – I didn't say any more to Shigure, simply dropping my bag and running out the house, feet slamming on the path as I navigated to his house, adrenaline fuelled by fear, loneliness and desperation – just as everything in my life had started to make sense, just as I'd found an escape – he can't be, he can't be – I reached his house, pummelled on the front door, and his mother answered. Before she could say anything and before I could take in her tearstained face I shouted; "Was he on that plane?" I grabbed hold of her, eyes desperate and pleading. "Tell me he wasn't on that plane!" Her sob was answer enough, and I let her go, staggering into the street and falling against a wall, hands clawing at my hair desperately.

These, these are the consequence of my actions.

And I'd never be able to live with them.

A/N

So I was going to have this big update week and then I got horribly ill, I have no idea what this chapter's like because I was out of it for most of it.

So now 'keru's dead, I need…

A VOTE.

How many people want this to become KyoYuki? If not, who would you like Yun to end up with – if anyone? (Say Tohru and Machi and die.)

At the moment I'm watching Thunderbirds, the old TV show. How many people out there know about it? It's because of my love of John Tracy.