What's Up in Ohtori

by sharnii

Chapter 4: A Duel Like Any Other Duel

SCENE 4: Late-Afternoon. Exterior. Dueling Arena – Utena vs Touga.

The elevator has just arrived at the dueling arena in the sky. Impressively it clangs open to reveal Anthy and Utena posing next to each other. Utena's long hair blows wildly in the (freak) wind, while rose blossoms rain down madly.

Utena: (blinking rose blossoms out of her eyes) Ow! I don't get it.

Anthy: It's metaphorical. Can't you hear the theme song? Paradise Lost. Shangri-la-la-la. Think Eden.

Utena: (nervously) If this is Eden, where's the uh, snake?

Touga: (standing in the middle of an arena filled with giant cactuses, buttoning up shirt) In my pants! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

Utena: (shocked-sounding) Touga-san! But…w…w…w…why?!

Anthy: I already told you it was Touga-senpai you were dueling.

Utena: You did? But um, I thought he liked me.

Touga: Oh I do.

Steps up and runs his fingers through Utena's long pink hair. And gets stuck on a knot.

Touga: Ick! You need a good conditioner. Have you tried Pantene?

Utena: I don't know. Anthy does all the shopping. And cooking. And cleaning. And washing of my body and hair.

Anthy: I'm like a slave. And I don't even get sex.

Utena: Well that's because you get my eternal friendship. And because I'm a virgin.

Anthy: Uhuh.

Touga peers suspiciously toward Utena's feet. She blushes and taps her feet nervously.

Utena: But why, Touga-san? Why?! I don't understand why you're doing this…again. I thought you were my prince…maybe. I don't suppose there's any chance on getting a definite yes/no answer to that now?

Touga: Why am I doing this? (condescending laughter) WHY am I doing this? Oh sweet Utena-kun…if you only knew…

Utena: (impatiently) Yeah. That's why I'm asking. Hey! Isn't that Akio-san's car?

Touga: What? That thing? That Akio-car right over there?

Utena: Yeah.

Touga: No. It's not.

Utena: Oh. Hmm, well how did it get up here?

Touga: I don't know.

Utena: But you were in it!

Touga: Yeah, but I wasn't driving. And I wasn't exactly looking at the view, if you know what I mean.

Anthy: (smirks) Don't worry. She doesn't.

Utena: Huh?

Anthy: I said, let's get on with it, shall we? I think I'm scheduled to turn into Mamiya soon. It would be rather…unfortunate, should my horrible cross-gender secret be revealed here.

Utena: Huh? If what should be revealed?

Anthy: I said, hurry up Utena-sama, grope me again. (presses Utena's hand to her breast)

Touga: Oh yeah.

Utena: (groping madly) By the power of er…

Anthy: (stage whispers) Dios!

Utena: uh Dios, um…wow… (her head moves back and forth over Anthy's chestal region as she sniffs)

Anthy: (sounds bored) Grant me the power to bring forth world revolution.

Utena: Y…yeah. Yeah, that's it. (starts to pull sword forth in exaggeratedly slow motion)

Touga: This is making me hard. (leans down to get a better view up Anthy's skirt which is flying up madly)

Utena: Why, you bastard! Get your own!

Utena drops Anthy on the hard floor with a crack and rushes Touga. Their swords clash together. Anthy disappears from her dress, and reappears seated naked at a table sipping tea. After a significant pause the dress reappears too.

Anthy: (in a monotone) Oh go Utena. Go go.

Touga: (swings sword) You'll never defeat me!

Utena: (swings sword) I already did. So there.

Touga: (flys through air upside down) That's only because I let you beat me.

Utena: (flys through air twirling like a torpedo) Did not.

Touga: (slashes back and forth impressively) Did too.

Utena: (reverts to having no formal dueling training or skill, and gasps and trips over herself to avoid impressive slashes) Uh! Did not.

Touga stops (stupidly) and takes the time to laugh manically while pointing his sword at Utena's heart, while she lies gasping at his feet.

Touga: I will definitely beat you now! Any moment, and I will cut off your head!

Utena: You mean my rose…

Touga: Yes, that too. And I did so let you beat me before. So there. (laughs manically again)

Utena: I really hope that Dioti guy gets here soon.

Anthy: (sips tea and gazes up at castle) I wonder what's keeping him?

Touga raises his sword with a terrible grimace…and Dios comes rushing down from his castle-home, to slide into Utena's luscious body. For a moment their flashing faces are super-imposed over each other. Then Utenadios surges to her/his feet…

Touga: This seems unfair.

Anthy: (monotone) Oh. Thank goodness. Utena shall not die. This time.

Utenadios: Ha ha! By the power of our skills combined…I am…Prince Utenadios!

Touga: This really doesn't seem fair. I protest!

Utenadios: Protest this!

In a crazy gravity-defying move, the prince leaps with her/his sword extended toward Touga's rose. Touga does the exact same move from the reverse angle.

Utenadios: Ahhhhhhhh!

Touga: Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Utendios knocks off Touga's rose and he falls to the ground clutching at his face and screaming.

Touga: My outfit! There's a hole in my outfit!

Utenadios falls convulsing to the floor and froths at the mouth. Touga stops screaming and looks curiously at her.

Touga: What's happened to Utena-kun?

Anthy: Just a side-effect from being possessed one too many times. I'm sure it will pass soon. (sips tea)

Touga: You seem to know an awful lot about possession. (smirks) And all the dark arts.

Anthy: I AM a dark art.

Touga: (sounds worried) What did you say?

Anthy: I said, you're going to be late for doing your hair for your big appointment.

Touga: Oh no! (rushes out)

Anthy turns into Mamiya with a loud popping sound.

Mamiya: And now it's time for my big appointment. (disappears from rose bridal suit) Whoops. Wrong disappearing-act. (disappears altogether, still naked)

Utena gets up, rubbing froth off mouth.

Utena: Ohhh, I don't feel too good. I should really eat some lunch. (staggers toward elevator and tries to pry closed door open) Hmm, how does this stupid thing work again?

TBC in Chapter 5: Mamiya's Papiya