(Thanks for the reviews guys... glad you like. Will try and keep up with the quick updates. Precious)
When Tim walked into work on Monday morning he felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was like the outburst of the evening before had left him a barren salt blasted isolated emotional waste land.
It wasn't helped by the fact that his eyes felt red and itchy, he had almost no clean clothes left, he had cut himself shaving and he still seemed to be suffering the after effects of the allergy medication he had been taking due to his Grandparents ever present cats. Tim was certain the animals had deposited hair on all his clothes and through his entire bag on purpose.
He had been forced to notch his belt in further to ensure his pants stayed up and his shirt seemed annoyingly baggy. He also had a small headache which didn't seem to be going away. All up he was feeling pretty crappy and in dire need of a warm hug, a Krispy Kreme and a large decent coffee.
"Gear Up"
Tim sighed as he realized he wasn't going to get any of those things. Gibbs turned the corner and stood in front of McGee, looking him up and down.
"You Ok McGee?" Gibbs voice was uncharacteristically concerned and Tim felt a small lump developing in the back of his throat.
"Yeah. Sure Boss" Tim tried to clear his throat which felt dry and rough from crying himself dry the night before.
"Alright them McGee. I gotta say you look like crap. But I trust you to tell me if you can't handle being out in the field." Gibbs gave him a stern look and Tim stood straighter and nodded, understanding what Gibbs was asking.
As the four of them stood in the elevator Ziva reached over and squeezed his hand "It is good to have you back, McGee."
Tim smiled at her while Tony mumbled an agreement and looked everywhere in the elevator except at McGee.
Tim sighed. Great. He had made Tony feel terrible and now he wasn't even going to open his mouth in case he screamed at him again. He would have to apologize to him at some stage but right now he just didn't feel up to it.
Gibbs had sent McGee to canvass the neighborhood, knocking on doors, flashing photos and asking questions while the rest of the team secured the scene and waited for Ducky. Tim felt grateful to be given something useful to do that didn't rely on being only a few meters away from DiNozzo for the entire morning.
After hours of trudging door to door Tim wasn't feeling so grateful. He felt freezing cold in the chill wind, his nose was running again and he could really do with something to eat and a hot drink. No one seemed to have seen or heard anything either which was unfortunately typical.
Heading back to the scene he gratefully climbed his aching body into the car and gave a brief mumbled report to Gibbs who was watching him in the rear vision mirror. As the heater kicked in and the gentle conversation swirled around him, Tim felt safe amongst his team, his friends and found his eye lids dragging down into warm comforting blackness……..
"McGee?" Tony's voice concerned swum up through the shadows.
Tim woke with a jerk and realized he had fallen asleep… in the car…. With Gibbs.
"Sorry! I… didn't realize how tired I was."
Tim waited for the head slap….. which never came.
"Come on lets get you inside." Gibbs put a comforting hand on his shoulder and Tim gave an embarrassed smile.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
As Abby ran her endless tests Tim's cell rang and when he saw who was calling he stepped out into the corridor to answer it.
"Hey Linda. It's good to hear from you. How are you doing?" Tim smiled as he heard his cousin's weary voice.
"Well I have been better… but I have been worse too you know so….? Look Tim I just wanted to thank you for all you did this last week. I mean you really held it all together, organizing the funeral, the hospital and everything and as bad as it was it all could have been so much worse without you."
"Hey hey I'm the last thing you should be worried about right now. You have Derek and your new little one to think about. How she doing by the way? Have you picked out a name yet? When are they going to release you out of hospital?"
"Well that's the other reason I phoned. Have you got your flash new phone?"
Tim smiled "Yeah of course."
"Alright well have a look at what I'm sending you then."
Tim with a look around the empty corridor sat down on the floor and leaned his back to the wall.
Up on the colour screen of his phone came the image of a humidicrib and the tiniest baby he had even seen, in a tiny pink cap to keep her head warm, covered in tubes and monitors.
"Oh Linda she's so tiny "he whispered reverently
Linda sniffed "Yeah buts she a fighter. Every day she gets stronger and they are giving her more chance. They are giving her drugs to help develop her lungs. They think I might be able to hold her soon…. Oh Tim I'm so happy …I just know she's going to be alright. But then I feel like I shouldn't be happy because of what happened and I think about being in that car with them everyday. Just a split second slower or faster and we wouldn't have even been at that intersection and all this never would have happened. She was their first great grandchild you know and they will never get to meet her. But then I look at her and I think it could have been so much worse and I realize how lucky we are and I'm happy again…. I'm just all over the place"
Tim smiled sadly "Hey its ok to be happy. Grandma and Granddad would want us to be happy, not sad all the time. It was a tragic accident and you can't keep thinking about all the 'what if's' because there are just too many. You will drive yourself crazy wondering about it. And it won't actually change anything anyway."
Tim tried to give the advice he hadn't been taking himself. Wasn't that the way? Do what I say not what I do? He decided to change the subject to a happier one.
"Hey what have you named her?"
Linda smiled "We decided to name her Lillian….. or Lily for short"
Tim swallowed down the lump in his throat and paused "That was Grandma's name…. she would love that Linda really."
Linda turned the camera back to the crib to send some more footage.
"Lilly? This is your uncle Tim.. well he's your cousin but you won't call him that. Now when you're older and beautiful he's going to keep all the boys away from the door and stop your father having a heart attack. Because he's a big, brave Federal Agent and he will look after you and keep you safe. So hurry up and get big and strong Lilly so you can meet him. Flash those big eyes of yours at him. Ok?"
Tim felt tears he thought he had no more moisture for drip slowly down his face at the optimism in her voice, then the tiny baby twitched in her cot almost in a wave and Linda laughed through her own tears.
"See she loves her Uncle Tim already!"
"Thank you for sending me this Linda… It does help to know you guys sound like your going to be ok. And she really is going to be beautiful Linda."
Tim could hear Linda smile "I better go, the nurse is coming back to check my stitches. Hey keep in touch and thank you Tim. I mean it. It really meant a lot."
"Bye Linda and say Hi to Derek for me"
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Tony quietly watched Tim as he sat on the floor of the cold corridor and smiled brightly through his tears as he watched his phone.
Who was he talking to that made him smile like that? Who was he talking to that made him cry like that? Tony wanted to go and sit next to Tim and with a bright grin, a bad joke and a slap on the knee make everything go back to the way it had been between them.
He also wanted to sit next to him and pull Tim's head down onto his shoulder and let him cry while he rubbed soothing circles into his back, whispering calming nonsense into his ear.
After a moments hesitation Tony did neither. He simply turned and with a heavy heart walked silently way.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Tim had lied. He had thought about Tony. In fact any chance he got when he wasn't surrounded by tears or anger or fear he thought of him. What would Tony do? How would Tony handle this? If only Tony was here to make him laugh and tell him it would all be alright.
Tony survived everything life through at him. It had always made Tim jealous the way Tony could come up with the perfect line just when he needed it. He could be shot at and still not break a sweat. He seemed to be the perfect agent, who could think on the spot, take calculated risks and always came up with the goods.
How could he not have thought about him? Anthony DiNozzo was the most beautiful, infuriating, intelligent, brave and frustrating man Tim had ever had the pleasure to really know. And he did feel that after all these years he was finally getting to know the real Tony DiNozzo, the man underneath the nervous jokes who really cared and just sometimes didn't know how to show it.
The Tony that brought flowers for Terri in Admin when she fell over and was on crutches for a month. And never said a word about it. The Tony that stood with him besides Kate's body and helped him say goodbye. The Tony that stayed with him until 2.00 am when he had shot Benedict just trying to take his mind off it. The Tony that wanted him…….
There had been an instant, a split second when he had held Tony up against the lockers demanding an answer from him and he had suddenly understood the reason for Tony's terror. A split second when he wanted to crush his soft mouth to Tony's and kiss him breathless and give him every answer he had ever wanted.
But then Tony's fear had kicked in and instead he had found himself on the floor calling Tony's name, breathless from the impact of his violent shove.
What might have happened if he hadn't got the tearful phone call from Derek on his way to Tony's house that night? Instead of rushing off to pack would they have talked as two rational people instead of Tony bearing the brunt of Tim's own anger, fear and exhaustion just over a week later?
Would they have kissed?
Life really did go on even when it seemed impossible to find joy. Little Lilly was proof of that. She was fighting hard just to get the chance to live her life. Every day was precious and it could change so suddenly you should grab at any joy you could. Tim realized that he needed to live his life and stop worrying about the 'what if's' and just do it.
And a big part of that new life he wanted for himself was Tony.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Tim shook his head. He thought he should be starting to feel better now he was back at work not worse?
His throat felt so dry. Tim walked to the water cooler and filled a large refreshing glass of cool water before quickly, thirstily drinking it down.
Suddenly the cold water hit Tim's hot empty stomach and he didn't think it was such a good idea as his stomach started to revolt. Tim bolted to the bathroom just in time to throw up the small burning contents of his stomach. Blech. Tim spat and hacked his misery out before flushing it away. Groaning Tim leaned against the toilet cubicle and staggered across to wash his face and hands. After a few deep breathes he walked back out and slumped down at his desk.
"Are you ok McGee?"
"Actually Boss…. I don't think I am. I haven't been feeling well but I just thought I was tired from… the trip and the anti allergy medication. And no sleep…. But I'm…."
Gibbs looked at the sheen of sweat across his young agents brow and how he suddenly appeared as pale as paper. Gibbs got up and walked to McGee's desk and put his hand on his brow. Gibbs sighed frowning.
"You're burning up McGee. I knew you didn't look well. Look it's late. Why don't I get Ziva to take you home?"
Tim nodded helplessly as the thought of making the long drive through traffic at night whittled away the last of his strength and he slumped his hot forehead against his desk.
Then he thought about it and the decision he had made.
"Boss I know it's further for him but can Tony take me?" Tim's small voice was almost pleading.
Gibbs shrugged and turned to look at Tony who was watching McGee concerned from behind his desk "DiNozzo? Do you mind taking McGee home?"
Tony looked up surprised at McGee's request. "Yeah. Yeah sure Boss. That's fine."
Tony gathered up McGee's bag and jacket along with his own and slowly hustled McGee out the door with a weak kneed shuffle.
Gibbs smirked. If he was sick he would prefer to have DiNozzo drive than Ziva any day.
(
(I hope its not a let down after the intensity of the last chapter? I can't help myself and there is actually some humor ahead but I will try and remember that I meant this as an angsty fic.)