With one single shocked giggle, she'd managed to sting my heart to the very core. I should have thought this through..never would I have normally admitted such a thing so boldly. Never would I have admitted such a thing at all...but it was true. However, I should have known that she would never return such a statement...much less take it seriously.
"T...that's a good one, Valentine...um...you really had me for a second there! For a second, I was like: Oh my God! You looked so serious, too! You scared me for a minute!"
I may be inexperience with this sort of situation, but I knew that things were going badly as soon as her lips curved to form an uneasy smile. For just those moments, I suppose I could have read her thoughts. Yes...she was one of those people...who assume that just because I keep myself to myself, I am unable to love. It was the concept that was the joke, not the true words. Perhaps I was being unfair...but unfairer still was the reaction she had given. So. She had lied. The kiss truly had been something meaningless and just 'nice'. Yes, I'll admit that at first it was an accident...but from then on, it had meant something to me...I thought it may have meant something to her, also...but no. That was a fool's false hope, I understand. Had she only told me what I wanted to hear in order to make me feel better? She had failed miserably if so. A heart is a fragile thing, whether it be that of a male or of a female. That is what several people fail to understand. Ah, I digress. Even so...
"I looked serious because I was serious. This is no joke...but I understand what you're trying to tell me. Very well..." Would I truly leave? I suppose so. If I am to be truthful...she...was my reason for staying. Were she to mock me and push me away, I would no longer have a purpose for remaining here. And so, I got to my feet with one last glance over my shoulder at her. Cold, perhaps, but colder still was her laughter --however unsure and soft it had been--, ringing cold in my ears and stinging my heart like a thousand needles. Over-sensitive? I would agree...Strange, really. I had been so sure that this was merely lust, and now...now I knew that it was more. I was in love...and from past experiences, I could already forsee a new road of suffering ahead. For me? Possibly. For her? Judging from the stranger's intentions...certainly.
"Hey, Vale-..um...Vince, wait a second!"
You call for me now, my love? You waste your lovely breath on one such as I? Hmph...this time, I won't surrender to your calls. I do it for you, and for myself. I realise now that I can't continue pretending that you love me, and nor can you...although I do sense something lingering there amongst the fear, concern and confusion. Buried deep in your vulnerable heart. Something you won't admit to...and who can blame you? Who could proudly state that they love such a...monster? For that, my love...is all that I am.
Reaching for the door handle, I felt a strong hand grip my wrist to prevent me from proceeding.
"I said wait!!"
With strength which surprised me, she managed to forcefully turn me around, wrapping her arms around me tightly. It seemed that there was no escape from her embrace...no escape from that strange aura of...loveliness that surrounded her. No sooner had she embraced me, I found my reason for staying once more. My arms went around her, pulling her closer...but 'closer' was never quite close enough. I wanted her closer to me than was possible so that I could shield her from everything, protect her, and never have to give her up to anyone...these thoughts felt so unlike my own and yet...it felt right to be thinking them. Almost like an instinct. Her head resting against my chest, I felt myself relax, my heart pounding faster upon realising just how close we were to each other.
"Listen...I...I'm sorry, ok? I wasn't expecting it. That's all. It's not that I don't believe you, and it's not that it means nothing to me, it was just a bit unexpected. I just...didn't know how to react."
I couldn't bring myself to doubt her...her voice was filled with such sincerity. The words that she spoke were understandable...but there was a voice at the back of my mind. That voice of doubt...the one that told me: 'She's just telling you what you want to hear! Don't tell me you're buying this? As soon as the other Turks turn up, she'll leave you! She'll run! Run far away! Because running...haha...running is all that Turks are good for nowadays! Not like the good old days...not back when you-...'
That voice was cut short by another, and I was grateful. I couldn't relive that truth...not again. 'And if she does mean it? You'd lose your chance! You're going to let her go just like you did Lucrecia? You're going to let another one slip away so easy, Vincent?'
'No...'
'Well?!'
I finally replied, having taken one moment to argue with the ones sharing my consciousness. "...I understand. I suppose it was a little sudden..." Maybe I was right...perhaps we both were. Had I admitted this much to fast for either of us to handle? Maybe so. I thought that if I admitted my feelings then these questions would go away...but no. The questions remained, spawning more and more in my brain, hatching doubt in my heart. Regardless, I would not let Elena go. My doubt...it didn't matter. Not anymore.
"So you won't leave?" that gentle voice asked, her eyes staring up at me carefully. Gazing down into those eyes...how could I leave her? How? She was too...lovely. I felt my lips twitch as a small smile tried to force its way to the surface. Having previously been afraid, she now wanted me to stay with her? She needed reassurance that I would do so? It was a fast change in her attitude, but...if it was what she wanted...
And now for a small portion of what I wanted. Leaning down towards her, I briefly kissed her forehead, soon moving on to make contact with those sweet, soft lips. My lips yearned for more...my body cried out to be closer to hers. Tightening my grip on her, I pulled her towards me, my lips travelling across her cheek to her ear. Feeling her weaken a little, I caught her and held her closer before she had the chance to stumble, and breathed in that wonderful smell of her soft, fair hair. Finishing with a tender nip of her ear, I answered her question, giving her the reassurance that she desired:
"I couldn't...Elena...I suppose I over-reacted...ah...erm..." What else could I say? Indeed, I suppose my reaction had been rather overdramatic...of course my confession had been somewhat unexpected, especially as it had not been very long since we had become more confident around each other. Had I ruined that? Would she still trust me now? Just to be sure, I attempted to mend any damage that my uncertain confession had dealt: "Also: I apologize if my confession made you uncomfortable or...if it shocked you. That wasn't my intention." Pausing once more, I searched for words, unable to resist placing another gentle kiss on her ear. "I...won't force you to return my feelings. So...I won't force you to love me, but...at least now you know..."
At the back of my mind, I was sick of apologizing for my feelings...both Lucrecia and Elena...I realise that it is neither of their faults, but yet...they do not feel what I do, but I am the one left to apologize. I am left to feel as though I have done wrong by loving them...admiring them. I was beginning to feel that maybe it was time to surrender to the fact that love was not something for me. My life was certainly no fairytale...and any successful love that I would have if I were that lucky would no doubt end in tragedy. For I am no Prince Charming...we can be sure of that. I am nothing but a mere monster, trapped in the shell of a human, constantly hididng behind this mask. Perhaps that it why I am left to apologize. I should have known from the beginning...no woman in her right mind could ever love a monster such as I. It is shameful for me to pretend, and an insult for me to suggest such a thing. I suppose that it why my apologies are necessary.
"Vincent...?" Her voice broke through the silence, cutting off my train of thought. Perhaps that is a good thing, though...
"Yes?"
"Um...I...well...I...um..."
What was it? Why was she so nervous? Could it be that she...?
"Were you really intending on walking out of her shirtless?"
I should have known it would be no affectionate confession. What had I just been thinking about? It had been a coincidence that she had spoken to me at that moment, and nothing more. My hopes had been hauled up from the depths of my heart, and then thrown straight back down, plunging to the bottom like an anchor thrown into the sea. And my hopes could stay down there, for all I cared...hopes...false or true, are troublesome things. Much more trouble than they are worth, I would say...
"Erm..."
"No! I'm sorry! That wasn't what I meant to say!"
Oh? Then what was it that-...no..I wasn't going to allow myself to ask these questions again. I had just been through this, and wasn't about to take a step backwards. I glanced at Elena, trying to take my mind off of hoping, and couldn't help but smile upon the sight that met my eyes. She gazed down in what appeared to be shame or embarrassment, a dark blush having crept across her cheeks. The blush lingered, only deepening as she sensed my gaze on her. Oh, yes. More of a doll than ever, now. A flawless rosy colouring painted on her pale cheeks... a...cute sight. Such a sweet girl...on the outside, a Turk. Harsh, professional, unafraid to kill...but on the inside, there was quite the interesting contrast: sweetness, affection, cuteness and sensitivity. In her own little way, she had managed to remind me of Lucrecia...and the pain that such a thought brought stung me hard. Nevertheless...that 'doll'...my 'doll' stood before me as we remained in silence for a few seconds that felt as thought they lasted minutes.
"Maybe not, but...has anyone ever told you that you look absolutely adorable when you blush...?"
It was the truth...a truth which needed to be stated.
"Well, I uh...I uh..."
I heard a faint chuckle escape me as I held her for only a few more minutes, after which, I released her. Then heading over to the bed, I couldn't help but notice that she followed, sitting down beside me on the edge of the bed. Nothing was said...but what was there to say, after all?
Eventually, she lay back, and I assumed that she was sleeping due to the gentle in-and-out of her breathing...her chest gently rising and falling. Feeling a fond smile creep on to my lips, I reached out my hand to stroke her hair, only to be stopped when she twitched a little in her sleep. She was biting down on her bottom lip, and squirming a little from side to side. A nightmare? But she appeared so happy...so...pleasured. Every so often, a sound as small as a soft gasp or moan would escape her, --those moans were blissful...something was happening to her. Upon hearing them, I felt my fingers tingle with wanting as they longer to touch her...my lips longed to kiss her, and as I gazed over at her, my body just longed for...her. But I couldn't...I couldn't grant those wishes no matter how much I wanted to. It wasn't my choice to make...and it would be wrong...but...that wrongness made the thought seem so...'right'. -- eventually followed by a true word: "Why?"
"Why what?" I couldn't help but ask. "Is everything alright?" Her sleep had been a light one, as her eyes slipped open upon hearing the sound of my voice. Feeling a little guilty, I was somewhat worried that I had woken her from a dream that she had been enjoying, and felt bad for interrupting her rest, but...I hadn't been able to prevent myself from questioning her inquiry.
"What?" she seemed disappointed at something...so...I had interrupted a good dream. Not only did she seem disappointed, but somewhere within her, I could sense pleasure and confusion, mixed with a hint of fear. Strange... "Oh! Um...yes. It...It's fine!" She was hiding something...that was plain to see, but her mind was no place for me to be intruding. The information that I wanted was clearly none of my business. Instead, I played it dumb and pretended that I suspected nothing...
"A nightmare...?"
"Um...what?"
"You were making noises in your sleep. Were you having a nightmare...?"
"Noise? Oh no!! Um...I mean..yeah! Yeah, I was!"
A Turk she may be, but a terrible liar nonetheless. It was difficult for me to do so, but I pretended to believe her, nodding understandingly and adopting a sympathetic expression. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah! Um...y-yes! Why wouldn't I be? It was only a nightmare! It can't hurt me, 'cause it's not real, right?" If only she knew...if only she could begin to understand...but how could she understand? She and I had led very different lives. She could never understand the true power of a haunting nightmare.
"You would be surprised how closely the images displayed by the subconscious can warp the conscious and trap your senses..."
"What?"
"Nothing..."
You see? She could never understand. Who could? Such monstrosities which dwell in the mind and manage to burrow into your heart...an obsession becomes created. Over and over you turn in bed, wanting to run far away, wanting to escape...but these are the things which can never be escaped. These are the things which live to haunt you, and thrive on your cries for help. They chase you, madden you, doing their best to steal away your sense and sanity. Who could understand that before they experience it? Being chased like an animal being hunted, knowing that your nightmares and worst fears could lurk behind any corner. Looking over your shoulder you see them, and they see you...but before you can run...before you can take a breath, you're caught again. No matter where you run, no matter where you hide, there is no escape. Our mind the prisoner...and yet also our very own personal prison. Trapped within ourselves, there is no-where to hide.
"Vincent?" she questioned, kneeling up and crawling towards me in a way that appeared seductive (whether or not that was her intention is anyone's guess.) and certainly managed to make my heartbeat quicken. Towards me she slowly came, never taking her eyes off of me.
"My love...?" I muttered wearily. Having recounted those experiences to my mind, I felt just a little exhausted afterwards. My eyelids felt heavy...it had been a while since I had last slept. Sleeping was something that had become increasingly more difficult over the years. Her arms wrapped around me, and I felt a soft kiss on my cheek. We gazed at each other in silence, both looking as serious as the other. Soon, she nodded, and sat down on the edge of the bed, patting her lap with one hand as though trying to signal something.
"What...?"
"Come on! Lie down!"
She wanted me to lie on her lap? That...couldn't be right... I opened my mouth to protest, only to hear her impatient sighing. Grasping my shoulders firmly but also carefully, Elena pulled me slowly downwards, resting my head on her lap. I had to admit that I felt somewhat nervous...my head was lying over her bare thighs, her exposed stomach beside me, and above which were her breasts. In its own peculiar way, it was rather comfortable.
"And...and you? You expect me to sleep like this, and yet I know that it is rather difficult --if not impossible-- to sleep sitting upin such a way..."
Sitting up, I shook my head, gently pushing her back down on to the bed. She giggle softly as her head hit the pillows, and she gazed up at me as I knelt over her, staring straight back at her. This felt right...so right...and it pained me that I was too tired and too nervous to take this any further.
'Another day, maybe.' I assured my mind. For now, I leant down against her only to briefly kiss her lips once more, and feel her reurn that. With that done, I lay down beside her, preparing to move a distance away from her, only to have her wrap her arms around me and rest her head against my chest. Well...if that was what she wanted...
I took one moment to glance over at the window. Moonlight streamed through the curtains, illuminating the room with its ghostly light. Stars covered the night's sky like miniature lightbulbs, and I couldn't help but feel at peace with her here with me on such a night. Not a single cloud floated across the sky, and all was quiet outside. This night was ours...
Pulling the covers up over us, I wished her goodnight and wrapped one arm around her slender waist, the other around her shoulders, just holding her as close as I could. She was already asleep as I kissed her forehead softly, admiring the peaceful expresison on her face and breathing in her wonderful scent once more for that night.
I couldn't help but marvel at her flawless beauty...In the daylight, she looked angelic as the sunlight bounced off her fair hair, as a smile captured her lips and her usual giggle slipped through them...but in the moonlight of this silent night...she was my goddess. My flawless porcelain doll...
And that was the way that I wanted it to stay...
Forever.