Ranma the Amorous Over-sexed Nympho
A young man stood in his front yard of his and his wife's dream home, smoking his pipe. He marveled at the pristine cut grass and the pristine white washed fence overlooking the pristine neighborhood.
"Life is great," the young man sighed, his wife approaching up behind them from their pristine pink life size Barbie house, complete with the stable for the pony.
"Yes, life is good honey, would you like some cookies?" The wife presented a tray of chocolate chip cookies for her husband, from which he took one and graciously munched on it.
"Very much so, dear. Ever since we got rid of all the perverts in the world so your parents could be together, and when we married, everything was just perfect!"
The little girl in an apron with peach blond hair giggled as she snuggled up to her handsome longhaired husband, "I'm so happy that everyone is happy now! I finished my mission, you got your revenge on that nasty meanie Ranma Saotome..."
"AND THE ARMY IS A REAL MAN'S ARMY AGAIN!" yelled the man with a buzz cut, walking behind the girl's mom and her dad who were arm in arm. All three of them were followed by the mother's other two boyfriends.
"And I'm not perverted anymore!" said the man with the cowboy hat and tight jeans, who had a large band-aid in front of his pants where they had to remove his pervert thingie. The pony even came out to join the extended family.
"Yup, the world is once again safe from perversion!" Proclaimed Ukyo, holding his pipe in his left hand while pointing to the sky in an awe inspiring pose as he made his declaration, "Let's celebrate! Everybody to the gun range! I'm just aching to try out my new Ultima Ratio 'Hectate II' sniper rifle that you got me for my birthday!"
"I'm glad you like it, honey," replied the little girl as she got in line behind her husband; everyone falling into step as they walked out the fence and down the street, passing by a pristine graveyard where the first three gravestones read; 'Miss Pervert 1, Miss Pervert 2, and Ranma Saotome.'
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Ukyo listened by the door at Lil' Suzy's giggling. The little girl was adorable, regardless of the little crush she had on Ukyo, but these nightly giggling bouts were really beginning to make her a bit nervous. The young man sighed in resignation, soon, once they both got their revenge, Suzy will be sent on her way so Ukyo could get on with his life.
The handsome young man smiled at that thought, removing a single sharpened spatula from his bandoleer, "This is the week, Saotomes. Prepare to face my vengeance.
Lil' Suzy's giggling got louder to compliment Ukyo's thoughts, followed by a murmured 'nice shooting, honey!'
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Akane and Onna-Ranma watched Kodachi walk away from the Tendou household with a slight limp. The two girls watched as the gymnast disappeared with some distain. She was plenty limber enough, she should had been able to handle the position for an extended period of time.
"Maybe the candle wax burns are causing her some trouble," Akane mused, they managed to get most of it out of the hair down there at least before they sent Kodachi on her way.
Ranma just shrugged as she turned away from the window, "She'll get used to it after three more sessions," Akane bobbed her head up and down enthusiastically in agreement.
"Oh my!" Both girls looked at each other at Kasumi's exclamation, and decided to investigate. Akane and Ranma arrived downstairs to see a battered Genma crawl into the den.
"You look like a limp cock, Pops," commented the redhead with a smirk.
"Who could have done such a thing to you?" Akane asked.
Genma was about to speak up, but after a quick glance at Ranma, decided that silence was the better option, "Uh, nothing, nothing happened at all."
"Listen Pop, I know well enough that anything strong enough to beat the crap outta you, you woulda been outta town as soon as it was upwind of ya. Whoever or whatever did this to ya it would be helpful to know about it."
"RANMA SAOTOME! COME OUT SO I CAN GET MY REVENGE I'VE WAITED TEN YEARS FOR!!!!" shouted a voice from outside.
"I'm gonna presume that's the one that did this to you," stated Ranma with a half-lidded stare, "So what trouble did the virgin get himself inta?"
"Are, are you going to find out, Ranma-sama? I mean if whoever that is outside could pummel your father like this, they won't be a pushover."
"Heh, don't worry, they don't need to find out who I am just yet," with that, Ranma-chan strode outside.
"I hope you know what you're doing, Ranma-sama," Akane whispered to herself as she followed the other girl outside.
Akane and Ranma found love at first sight. The handsome young man standing on the wall looked them over with his hands crossed over his chest.
"So, is that cheating, stealing, coward gonna come out and face me, or what?" the beautiful young man demanded, then found himself frowning as the two girls gave him a thorough look over.
Ranma jumped onto the wall to get a closer inspection, causing the boy to step back nervously, "Don't move away, I only bite hard enough to leave marks."
"Uh, I... um..." the boy stammered, before getting his bearings straight, "Dammit, I don't have time for this!" He removed his weapon from his back, causing Ranma to blink in surprise at the giant spatula, "You're stalling for that creep, aren't ya!"
"Stalling? I just want to get to know you better!" Ranma purred, as she slinked up to the young man, "What's your name, gorgeous?"
"Kuonji, Kuonji Ukyo, and I've come to claim my revenges on one who wronged me ten years ago!"
"Ukyo? Okonomiyaki Ukyo?" Ranma looked the boy up and down, "you grew up well! How about I make it all right with you?" Ranma attempted to hug the boy, only to have him back flip away, "Hmm, graceful and bashful! I like that in a man."
Ukyo readied herself to land, only to find herself caught in someone's arms, "Really now, are we that unattractive?" Akane pouted while cradling the young man. The youngest Tendou hugged the boy closer, then blinked as she realized something felt... peculiar. Most handsome young men didn't feel this soft.
Akane locked up as she felt something small and lethal breeze by her head, and get lodged in the stone wall. Ranma stared at Akane nervously, having known what that whistling sound probably was. As of the same mind, Ranma and Akane ran back behind the safety of the wall that surrounded the Tendou home, Akane still carrying a puzzled Ukyo.
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Lil' Suzy giggled chagrined, "Whoopsie! Forgot to adjust the scope!" Seeing as how attempted sniping is a lost cause, the little girl broke down her Sis-Sauer SSG 3000.
"Headshots aren't as easy as they are in 'Unreal Tournament'!" the little girl groused as she picked up the drop cloth
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"Ranma-sama, don't tell me that little freak is back!" Akane said, quite a bit shaken by the near miss. Ranma was listening for any further sounds that would mean instant kill.
Ukyo looked between the two girls in confusion, before the name registered, "Hold on a sec. Where's Ranma-sama, I mean Ranma?"
"Did I say Ranma-sama? I meant, um, that is..." Akane hemmed and hawed for an answer, before the redhead decided to come out into the open.
"She's talking about me, I'm Ranma."
Ukyo narrowed his eyes as he put his face right into Ranma's, "Ranma's a guy."
"What did Ranma-sama do to you anyway?"
"It's because of him that I have been through hell!"
"Well, I can take you straight to heaven, babe, but we have a cute lil' gut tot'n maniac to watch out for at the moment."
"Huh? What are ya talking about?" Ukyo demanded.
Ranma didn't answer, instead, leapt up and grabbed the top of the wall and hoisted herself up to look around to see if the coast was clear, "No sign of her, maybe it was just a pebble or something."
"PEBBLES DON'T USUALLY MOVE AT 500 MILES PER HOUR!" Akane shouted.
"It's been known to happen," Ranma idly commented, "Anyhow, let's get back into the house so we can get... better acquainted with our friend Ukyo here."
"Huh? Why would I want to get to know you guys? Look I just want to take vengeance on Ranma Saotome and be on my way. I know he's here since I followed his dad right to this house. Now TAKE ME TO HIM BEFORE I GET ANGRY!!!" Ukyo finally vented through her confusion. As long as he had his anger, he could control the situation.
"Don't worry, Ranma Saotome will bare all to you in just a few minutes," With that, Ranma grabbed Ukyo's legs while Akane grabbed him by the arms, and both carried him quickly into the house, holding firm as their captive thrashed about.
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Lil' Suzy swore as she watched the girls carry her love into their den of sin. The little girl didn't want Ukyo to know about her... interests just yet, but fretted about leaving the two perverts on her number one hit list alone with her future husband. Finally after much consideration, Suzy decided that her brave boyfriend to take care of himself for the time being.
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"I got the jump rope, Ranma-sama!" Akane cheerfully stated, rushing back from her closet.
"Jump rope?" Ukyo cried, fighting against her handcuffs that were attached to the bedposts, "You're tying me up too?"
"No, silly!" Ranma said in a voice that one would use to slightly condesend a child, "This rope is for tying you up," the pigtailed girl held up a thick nylon rope and snapped it tight, "the jump rope is for testing your gag reflex. Akane, you remember the strap-ons?"
"They're still in the wash."
"Damn, we'll just have to improvise," the redhead mused out loud.
"Improvise? What the Hell you think you're doing?"
Ranma's eyes sparkled as she looked up to the sky, and clasped her hands together over her chest, "Why, me and Akane hope to share an special moment of intimacy, one only three people who care to express ultimate bliss for one another."
"I found the power drill, and I got a potato from downstairs in the kitchen."
Ranma nodded to Akane, then turned back to Ukyo, "It may leave a bit of skin in there, but after a few bowel movements you shouldn't have any problems." Akane nodded enthusiastically as she carefully screwed the drill bit into the potato.
"Akane, maybe it's a good idea to skin it real quick."
"Kay, Ranma-sama."
Ukyo's eyes got wide in realization, "You, you two are perverts!"
"Pervert is a strong word, please use the term 'slutfully inclined' in reference."
"Wait a sec, you guys know a little girl..."
"Little girl, sounds delicious," Ranma interrupted.
Ukyo licked his lips nervously before continuing, "about ten years old, always wearing a frilly blue dress..."
Akane stopped her frantic and impatient motions with the potato peeler, as Ranma dropped the copy of "Nebu Shibari Illustrated" she was referencing.
"I take it you have," Ukyo wryly stated.
"How do you know that little freak of nature?" Ranma growled, her attitude changing to another extreme.
"I know her quite well, I met her after you tried to blow her up in fact..." Ukyo grinned nastily as he noted he struck a raw nerve with both girls, "She's right, you enemy of children!" Ukyo spat out the phrase with as much venom as he could manage.
Ranma gave Ukyo an icy glare, then reached over and tightened the cuffs on the trapped boy's wrists, "Akane, don't worry about skinning the damn potato."
"Uh, Ranma-sama, should we be a bit concerned. I mean what if that was..."
Akane's window shattered as the potato was shot from her hand, "Never mind."
Lil' Suzy jumped through the window frame, and tossed the rifle scope aside, "That's it! I'm sticking with Remington!" The little girl turned to her one true love, "Don't worry Ukyo-sama! I'll save you!"
Both Akane and Ranma yelped, dodging a brown button Heiser knife and slightly rusted butcher knife respectively. The girl then turned around and tossed Ukyo a key then said sweetly, "Always keep a skeleton key on ya. Never know when you'll be handcuffed by perverts!" The girl then went back to swiping at the bane of her existence with fervor.
Both Akane and Ranma leapt from the window, Ranma landing gracefully while Akane landed a bit roughly. Ranma pulled the raven-haired girl out of the way as Suzy landed, digging a war shovel into the ground Akane once sat. Abandoning the makeshift weapon, and figuring that they would be less a problem outside, the young girl brought out twin Beretta Cougars.
Ukyo finally freed himself, and looked out the window at the surreal sight, two girls ran around the yard, frantically dodging bullets from guns wielded by the girl she had met a few weeks ago. Ukyo considered going back into the room and handcuffing herself again. Suddenly, the display before her got a bit weirder.
Ranma dodged to the side, then felt herself suddenly becoming himself. "Oh dear, I guess we won't have American style sun brewed tea," stated a serene voice from inside.
Suzy blinked and stopped shooting, then blinked again to make sure what she saw was real, "Um, did miss pervert become a guy?"
"Hey, I AM a guy!" Ranma proclaimed, as he attempting to salvage what dignity the redheaded smutty version of himself hadn't bled away. The little girl started glowing in a cute pink aura.
"Youuuuu, not only are you a big pervert, you're a big pervert that turns into a CUTE GUY!!!" Lil' Suzy pulled out an M3 Jackhammer shotgun, and yelled in a mannish voice, "MISS PERVERT, PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!"
Though his current state was a male, Ranma screamed like a little girl as he leapt straight up, and watched a good heaping portion of the stone wall behind him disappear.
"GET BACK HERE AND DIE MISS PERVERT!!!!" Ranma suffered a flash of survival instinct, and ran in the totally opposite direction of the girl holding a BFG. Ranma got over the wall and onto the next roof, before having to duck.
"SO IT IS YOU, YOU JACKASS!" Ukyo cried, then growled as he just missed neatly separating Ranma's head from his neck.
"Ukyo-sama, move out of the way or I can't get a clear shot!" cried the little girl, leaping onto the roof.
"No way, this bastard is mine!" Ukyo cried out, moving through complex attack patterns, yet none of them managing to produce results as Ranma weaved between the strikes like wisps of smoke.
"Hey! What have I done to you!" the pigtailed boy asked frantically, "I thought we used to be pals!"
"HA! Some pal you are! You and your Pop abandoned me!"
"Whaddya mean? How did we... Pop, you're a dead man fattening when I find ya..."
"Ukyo, catch!" The handsome boy blinked as he stopped to catch what the girl tossed to him.
"Huh? What's this?" Ukyo brought the brown bag to his face, only to have it explode in powder. The boy collapsed suddenly to the roof, unconscious.
"Hey, thanks, I guess you ain't so bad after..." Ranma turned to see the girl taking careful aim with her rather large shotgun.
Finding his voice suddenly an octave higher, Ranma jumped to another roof, barely avoiding the cluster of high-velocity projectiles. Without even turning back, Ranma ran with the little girl surprisingly keeping up with him. Suzy every so often fired a shot that Ranma had to completely change direction to avoid. After a good chance, the pigtailed boy realized something...
Ranma jumped off the roof and looked around at the completely open space, nothing to hide behind. He had been purposely herded.
"I learned my lesson with you Miss Pervert," Lil Suzy jumped from the roof she was looking down from, and slightly approached with her shotgun raised, "So instead of booby traps, I thought you would like to fight it out, one on one."
Ranma looked incredulously at the little girl, "You're gonna fight me? Isn't that, um... well I can't hit you, you're a little girl!"
"Don't worry, you won't get the chance," Lil' Suzy stuck her jackhammer behind her back, "Lil' Suzy militaristic tactics final technique..." the girl brought out a slew of artillery on both arms that Ranma described oh so eloquently...
"GOD DAMN!!!!!!!!"
"NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST!!!!!" Every gun barrel, rocket, missile, slingshot, poison tipped arrow fired, grenades and a few missiles launched into the air. Every bit of her deadly arsenal directed to one spot that was occupied by a martial artist imitating a deer in front of a semi in the middle of the night...
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Ukyo woke up to see a mushroom cloud in the distance, "Huh? We get bombed again or something?"
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Lil' Suzy stonily watched as the smoke cleared from the new crater at the edge of Nerima, and gasped in surprise at the site that was presented.
"No way, NO FUCKING WAY! Nobody could survive that!!!!"
Ranma groaned and attempted to sit up, praising the Saotome luck and whatever sick Kami blessed him with it. His martially honed sense went into overdrive, managing to minimalize the impacts around him, while dodging the bullets. Not much different from the time his Pop convinced that Chinese military outpost to use his son for target practice. Ranma would have never believed his father's insane training exercise would come in valuable one day.
"You are soooo cool!" exclaimed the little girl, "Did you really dodge all that?"
"For the last time... I'm a guy," Ranma weakly mumbled.
"Well, if it's any consolation, IT WON'T MATTER WHERE I'M SENDING YA!" Suzy pulled out a glock. Ranma closed his eye as the girl pulled the trigger, then pulled it again, then pulled it again...
"RRRRRRAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Ranma blinked, and then looked up at the girl frantically pulling the trigger of her gun in rage, "DAMN FUCKING PIECE OF JAMMING SHIT, FUCKING AUSTRALIANS CAN'T MAKE A GUN WORTH SPIT!!!!"
The Saotome luck was in rare form.
Ranma summoned all the strength he had left, and dove at the girl. Lil' Suzy was surprised, and instinctively brought about her butcher knife, straight for Ranma's throat.
"I told you, this Jackass is MINE to kill!" Ukyo's voice followed the sound of metal against metal; his combat spatula's head protecting Ranma.
"U-Ukyo-sama?" Lil' Suzy whispered, surprised her love wasn't out for much longer.
"UKYO! LOOK OUT!" Ranma cried out, looking up into the sky. Ukyo followed his gaze, and saw the knife he had just swatted away descending. He pulled back just barely in time to miss his chest getting split open.
The boy squawked as he lost his balance and tipped backwards, causing the young girl to fear the worse as she let out a scream of fright and went to check her future husband.
"Ukyo! UKYO! SPEAK TO ME! Are..." the girl started glowing a brilliant pink as she looked the 'boy' over for wounds. Ranma backed up in a crabwalk, fearing the little girl was going to blame him for hurting Ukyo.
"Youuuuu, you stole my precious little heart, Ukyo. We were going to be husband and wife with a pony and mommy and daddy and the nice man with the cowboy hat and all of mommys boyfriends AND YOU JUST HAD TO GO AND CONFUSE MY DAMN HORMONES!!!!"
Ukyo realized that the travel brochures to the other side of the world might have been much more intriguing than she originally suspected. Ukyo sprinted as soon as she got to her feet, only to have her ankles snagged by a bolo.
With a mad expression on her face, Lil' Suzy brought out a magnum and aimed not even an inch from Ukyo's nose. This time there was a loud bang from the gun.
Ranma turned away, not wanting to see the sight. Akane, who had just arrived, stared wide-eyed as several shots were fired.
"Alright, that's enough you little pip-squeak."
"Huh?" Ranma intelligently stated, as he turned to see Ukyo wiping her face of water. Lil' Suzy's cheeks were streaked as she continued to fire the loud water gun in Ukyo's face. Then the little girl finally wailed and ran back to the houses, leaping onto the rooftops and running away.
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Genma sat mangled in the corner of the den, due to Ukyo, Akane, and Otoku-Ranma's combined attempts at pretzel craftsmanship.
"Really, how was I supposed to know what the old fool did to you?" Ranma groused on the porch.
"Maybe, but that doesn't excuse you for your part in all this."
"Hey! I didn't..."
"YOU CHOSE OKANOMIYAKI OVER ME YOU JACKASS!!"
"I said I was sorry," whimpered Ranma.
"Hmph, just like you, Ranma-sama," Akane stated firmly. Just like a boy to be so heartless to a girl, "Ukyo gave up ten years of being a pretty, vibrant, well endowed..." Akane shook her head as her eyes started to glaze over, "...girl."
"Shame really," Ranma replied wistfully, "cause you sure are cute."
"Oh shove it, Ranma..." Ukyo got up and walked into the Tendou house.
"Second thought, you're just as uncute as the tomboy," Ranma stated, his face replacing a segment of the porch banister.
A young man stood in his front yard of his and his wife's dream home, smoking his pipe. He marveled at the pristine cut grass and the pristine white washed fence overlooking the pristine neighborhood.
"Life is great," the young man sighed, his wife approaching up behind them from their pristine pink life size Barbie house, complete with the stable for the pony.
"Yes, life is good honey, would you like some cookies?" The wife presented a tray of chocolate chip cookies for her husband, from which he took one and graciously munched on it.
"Very much so, dear. Ever since we got rid of all the perverts in the world so your parents could be together, and when we married, everything was just perfect!"
The little girl in an apron with peach blond hair giggled as she snuggled up to her handsome longhaired husband, "I'm so happy that everyone is happy now! I finished my mission, you got your revenge on that nasty meanie Ranma Saotome..."
"AND THE ARMY IS A REAL MAN'S ARMY AGAIN!" yelled the man with a buzz cut, walking behind the girl's mom and her dad who were arm in arm. All three of them were followed by the mother's other two boyfriends.
"And I'm not perverted anymore!" said the man with the cowboy hat and tight jeans, who had a large band-aid in front of his pants where they had to remove his pervert thingie. The pony even came out to join the extended family.
"Yup, the world is once again safe from perversion!" Proclaimed Ukyo, holding his pipe in his left hand while pointing to the sky in an awe inspiring pose as he made his declaration, "Let's celebrate! Everybody to the gun range! I'm just aching to try out my new Ultima Ratio 'Hectate II' sniper rifle that you got me for my birthday!"
"I'm glad you like it, honey," replied the little girl as she got in line behind her husband; everyone falling into step as they walked out the fence and down the street, passing by a pristine graveyard where the first three gravestones read; 'Miss Pervert 1, Miss Pervert 2, and Ranma Saotome.'
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Ukyo listened by the door at Lil' Suzy's giggling. The little girl was adorable, regardless of the little crush she had on Ukyo, but these nightly giggling bouts were really beginning to make her a bit nervous. The young man sighed in resignation, soon, once they both got their revenge, Suzy will be sent on her way so Ukyo could get on with his life.
The handsome young man smiled at that thought, removing a single sharpened spatula from his bandoleer, "This is the week, Saotomes. Prepare to face my vengeance.
Lil' Suzy's giggling got louder to compliment Ukyo's thoughts, followed by a murmured 'nice shooting, honey!'
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Akane and Onna-Ranma watched Kodachi walk away from the Tendou household with a slight limp. The two girls watched as the gymnast disappeared with some distain. She was plenty limber enough, she should had been able to handle the position for an extended period of time.
"Maybe the candle wax burns are causing her some trouble," Akane mused, they managed to get most of it out of the hair down there at least before they sent Kodachi on her way.
Ranma just shrugged as she turned away from the window, "She'll get used to it after three more sessions," Akane bobbed her head up and down enthusiastically in agreement.
"Oh my!" Both girls looked at each other at Kasumi's exclamation, and decided to investigate. Akane and Ranma arrived downstairs to see a battered Genma crawl into the den.
"You look like a limp cock, Pops," commented the redhead with a smirk.
"Who could have done such a thing to you?" Akane asked.
Genma was about to speak up, but after a quick glance at Ranma, decided that silence was the better option, "Uh, nothing, nothing happened at all."
"Listen Pop, I know well enough that anything strong enough to beat the crap outta you, you woulda been outta town as soon as it was upwind of ya. Whoever or whatever did this to ya it would be helpful to know about it."
"RANMA SAOTOME! COME OUT SO I CAN GET MY REVENGE I'VE WAITED TEN YEARS FOR!!!!" shouted a voice from outside.
"I'm gonna presume that's the one that did this to you," stated Ranma with a half-lidded stare, "So what trouble did the virgin get himself inta?"
"Are, are you going to find out, Ranma-sama? I mean if whoever that is outside could pummel your father like this, they won't be a pushover."
"Heh, don't worry, they don't need to find out who I am just yet," with that, Ranma-chan strode outside.
"I hope you know what you're doing, Ranma-sama," Akane whispered to herself as she followed the other girl outside.
Akane and Ranma found love at first sight. The handsome young man standing on the wall looked them over with his hands crossed over his chest.
"So, is that cheating, stealing, coward gonna come out and face me, or what?" the beautiful young man demanded, then found himself frowning as the two girls gave him a thorough look over.
Ranma jumped onto the wall to get a closer inspection, causing the boy to step back nervously, "Don't move away, I only bite hard enough to leave marks."
"Uh, I... um..." the boy stammered, before getting his bearings straight, "Dammit, I don't have time for this!" He removed his weapon from his back, causing Ranma to blink in surprise at the giant spatula, "You're stalling for that creep, aren't ya!"
"Stalling? I just want to get to know you better!" Ranma purred, as she slinked up to the young man, "What's your name, gorgeous?"
"Kuonji, Kuonji Ukyo, and I've come to claim my revenges on one who wronged me ten years ago!"
"Ukyo? Okonomiyaki Ukyo?" Ranma looked the boy up and down, "you grew up well! How about I make it all right with you?" Ranma attempted to hug the boy, only to have him back flip away, "Hmm, graceful and bashful! I like that in a man."
Ukyo readied herself to land, only to find herself caught in someone's arms, "Really now, are we that unattractive?" Akane pouted while cradling the young man. The youngest Tendou hugged the boy closer, then blinked as she realized something felt... peculiar. Most handsome young men didn't feel this soft.
Akane locked up as she felt something small and lethal breeze by her head, and get lodged in the stone wall. Ranma stared at Akane nervously, having known what that whistling sound probably was. As of the same mind, Ranma and Akane ran back behind the safety of the wall that surrounded the Tendou home, Akane still carrying a puzzled Ukyo.
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Lil' Suzy giggled chagrined, "Whoopsie! Forgot to adjust the scope!" Seeing as how attempted sniping is a lost cause, the little girl broke down her Sis-Sauer SSG 3000.
"Headshots aren't as easy as they are in 'Unreal Tournament'!" the little girl groused as she picked up the drop cloth
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"Ranma-sama, don't tell me that little freak is back!" Akane said, quite a bit shaken by the near miss. Ranma was listening for any further sounds that would mean instant kill.
Ukyo looked between the two girls in confusion, before the name registered, "Hold on a sec. Where's Ranma-sama, I mean Ranma?"
"Did I say Ranma-sama? I meant, um, that is..." Akane hemmed and hawed for an answer, before the redhead decided to come out into the open.
"She's talking about me, I'm Ranma."
Ukyo narrowed his eyes as he put his face right into Ranma's, "Ranma's a guy."
"What did Ranma-sama do to you anyway?"
"It's because of him that I have been through hell!"
"Well, I can take you straight to heaven, babe, but we have a cute lil' gut tot'n maniac to watch out for at the moment."
"Huh? What are ya talking about?" Ukyo demanded.
Ranma didn't answer, instead, leapt up and grabbed the top of the wall and hoisted herself up to look around to see if the coast was clear, "No sign of her, maybe it was just a pebble or something."
"PEBBLES DON'T USUALLY MOVE AT 500 MILES PER HOUR!" Akane shouted.
"It's been known to happen," Ranma idly commented, "Anyhow, let's get back into the house so we can get... better acquainted with our friend Ukyo here."
"Huh? Why would I want to get to know you guys? Look I just want to take vengeance on Ranma Saotome and be on my way. I know he's here since I followed his dad right to this house. Now TAKE ME TO HIM BEFORE I GET ANGRY!!!" Ukyo finally vented through her confusion. As long as he had his anger, he could control the situation.
"Don't worry, Ranma Saotome will bare all to you in just a few minutes," With that, Ranma grabbed Ukyo's legs while Akane grabbed him by the arms, and both carried him quickly into the house, holding firm as their captive thrashed about.
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Lil' Suzy swore as she watched the girls carry her love into their den of sin. The little girl didn't want Ukyo to know about her... interests just yet, but fretted about leaving the two perverts on her number one hit list alone with her future husband. Finally after much consideration, Suzy decided that her brave boyfriend to take care of himself for the time being.
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"I got the jump rope, Ranma-sama!" Akane cheerfully stated, rushing back from her closet.
"Jump rope?" Ukyo cried, fighting against her handcuffs that were attached to the bedposts, "You're tying me up too?"
"No, silly!" Ranma said in a voice that one would use to slightly condesend a child, "This rope is for tying you up," the pigtailed girl held up a thick nylon rope and snapped it tight, "the jump rope is for testing your gag reflex. Akane, you remember the strap-ons?"
"They're still in the wash."
"Damn, we'll just have to improvise," the redhead mused out loud.
"Improvise? What the Hell you think you're doing?"
Ranma's eyes sparkled as she looked up to the sky, and clasped her hands together over her chest, "Why, me and Akane hope to share an special moment of intimacy, one only three people who care to express ultimate bliss for one another."
"I found the power drill, and I got a potato from downstairs in the kitchen."
Ranma nodded to Akane, then turned back to Ukyo, "It may leave a bit of skin in there, but after a few bowel movements you shouldn't have any problems." Akane nodded enthusiastically as she carefully screwed the drill bit into the potato.
"Akane, maybe it's a good idea to skin it real quick."
"Kay, Ranma-sama."
Ukyo's eyes got wide in realization, "You, you two are perverts!"
"Pervert is a strong word, please use the term 'slutfully inclined' in reference."
"Wait a sec, you guys know a little girl..."
"Little girl, sounds delicious," Ranma interrupted.
Ukyo licked his lips nervously before continuing, "about ten years old, always wearing a frilly blue dress..."
Akane stopped her frantic and impatient motions with the potato peeler, as Ranma dropped the copy of "Nebu Shibari Illustrated" she was referencing.
"I take it you have," Ukyo wryly stated.
"How do you know that little freak of nature?" Ranma growled, her attitude changing to another extreme.
"I know her quite well, I met her after you tried to blow her up in fact..." Ukyo grinned nastily as he noted he struck a raw nerve with both girls, "She's right, you enemy of children!" Ukyo spat out the phrase with as much venom as he could manage.
Ranma gave Ukyo an icy glare, then reached over and tightened the cuffs on the trapped boy's wrists, "Akane, don't worry about skinning the damn potato."
"Uh, Ranma-sama, should we be a bit concerned. I mean what if that was..."
Akane's window shattered as the potato was shot from her hand, "Never mind."
Lil' Suzy jumped through the window frame, and tossed the rifle scope aside, "That's it! I'm sticking with Remington!" The little girl turned to her one true love, "Don't worry Ukyo-sama! I'll save you!"
Both Akane and Ranma yelped, dodging a brown button Heiser knife and slightly rusted butcher knife respectively. The girl then turned around and tossed Ukyo a key then said sweetly, "Always keep a skeleton key on ya. Never know when you'll be handcuffed by perverts!" The girl then went back to swiping at the bane of her existence with fervor.
Both Akane and Ranma leapt from the window, Ranma landing gracefully while Akane landed a bit roughly. Ranma pulled the raven-haired girl out of the way as Suzy landed, digging a war shovel into the ground Akane once sat. Abandoning the makeshift weapon, and figuring that they would be less a problem outside, the young girl brought out twin Beretta Cougars.
Ukyo finally freed himself, and looked out the window at the surreal sight, two girls ran around the yard, frantically dodging bullets from guns wielded by the girl she had met a few weeks ago. Ukyo considered going back into the room and handcuffing herself again. Suddenly, the display before her got a bit weirder.
Ranma dodged to the side, then felt herself suddenly becoming himself. "Oh dear, I guess we won't have American style sun brewed tea," stated a serene voice from inside.
Suzy blinked and stopped shooting, then blinked again to make sure what she saw was real, "Um, did miss pervert become a guy?"
"Hey, I AM a guy!" Ranma proclaimed, as he attempting to salvage what dignity the redheaded smutty version of himself hadn't bled away. The little girl started glowing in a cute pink aura.
"Youuuuu, not only are you a big pervert, you're a big pervert that turns into a CUTE GUY!!!" Lil' Suzy pulled out an M3 Jackhammer shotgun, and yelled in a mannish voice, "MISS PERVERT, PREPARE TO DIE!!!!!"
Though his current state was a male, Ranma screamed like a little girl as he leapt straight up, and watched a good heaping portion of the stone wall behind him disappear.
"GET BACK HERE AND DIE MISS PERVERT!!!!" Ranma suffered a flash of survival instinct, and ran in the totally opposite direction of the girl holding a BFG. Ranma got over the wall and onto the next roof, before having to duck.
"SO IT IS YOU, YOU JACKASS!" Ukyo cried, then growled as he just missed neatly separating Ranma's head from his neck.
"Ukyo-sama, move out of the way or I can't get a clear shot!" cried the little girl, leaping onto the roof.
"No way, this bastard is mine!" Ukyo cried out, moving through complex attack patterns, yet none of them managing to produce results as Ranma weaved between the strikes like wisps of smoke.
"Hey! What have I done to you!" the pigtailed boy asked frantically, "I thought we used to be pals!"
"HA! Some pal you are! You and your Pop abandoned me!"
"Whaddya mean? How did we... Pop, you're a dead man fattening when I find ya..."
"Ukyo, catch!" The handsome boy blinked as he stopped to catch what the girl tossed to him.
"Huh? What's this?" Ukyo brought the brown bag to his face, only to have it explode in powder. The boy collapsed suddenly to the roof, unconscious.
"Hey, thanks, I guess you ain't so bad after..." Ranma turned to see the girl taking careful aim with her rather large shotgun.
Finding his voice suddenly an octave higher, Ranma jumped to another roof, barely avoiding the cluster of high-velocity projectiles. Without even turning back, Ranma ran with the little girl surprisingly keeping up with him. Suzy every so often fired a shot that Ranma had to completely change direction to avoid. After a good chance, the pigtailed boy realized something...
Ranma jumped off the roof and looked around at the completely open space, nothing to hide behind. He had been purposely herded.
"I learned my lesson with you Miss Pervert," Lil Suzy jumped from the roof she was looking down from, and slightly approached with her shotgun raised, "So instead of booby traps, I thought you would like to fight it out, one on one."
Ranma looked incredulously at the little girl, "You're gonna fight me? Isn't that, um... well I can't hit you, you're a little girl!"
"Don't worry, you won't get the chance," Lil' Suzy stuck her jackhammer behind her back, "Lil' Suzy militaristic tactics final technique..." the girl brought out a slew of artillery on both arms that Ranma described oh so eloquently...
"GOD DAMN!!!!!!!!"
"NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST!!!!!" Every gun barrel, rocket, missile, slingshot, poison tipped arrow fired, grenades and a few missiles launched into the air. Every bit of her deadly arsenal directed to one spot that was occupied by a martial artist imitating a deer in front of a semi in the middle of the night...
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Ukyo woke up to see a mushroom cloud in the distance, "Huh? We get bombed again or something?"
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Lil' Suzy stonily watched as the smoke cleared from the new crater at the edge of Nerima, and gasped in surprise at the site that was presented.
"No way, NO FUCKING WAY! Nobody could survive that!!!!"
Ranma groaned and attempted to sit up, praising the Saotome luck and whatever sick Kami blessed him with it. His martially honed sense went into overdrive, managing to minimalize the impacts around him, while dodging the bullets. Not much different from the time his Pop convinced that Chinese military outpost to use his son for target practice. Ranma would have never believed his father's insane training exercise would come in valuable one day.
"You are soooo cool!" exclaimed the little girl, "Did you really dodge all that?"
"For the last time... I'm a guy," Ranma weakly mumbled.
"Well, if it's any consolation, IT WON'T MATTER WHERE I'M SENDING YA!" Suzy pulled out a glock. Ranma closed his eye as the girl pulled the trigger, then pulled it again, then pulled it again...
"RRRRRRAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Ranma blinked, and then looked up at the girl frantically pulling the trigger of her gun in rage, "DAMN FUCKING PIECE OF JAMMING SHIT, FUCKING AUSTRALIANS CAN'T MAKE A GUN WORTH SPIT!!!!"
The Saotome luck was in rare form.
Ranma summoned all the strength he had left, and dove at the girl. Lil' Suzy was surprised, and instinctively brought about her butcher knife, straight for Ranma's throat.
"I told you, this Jackass is MINE to kill!" Ukyo's voice followed the sound of metal against metal; his combat spatula's head protecting Ranma.
"U-Ukyo-sama?" Lil' Suzy whispered, surprised her love wasn't out for much longer.
"UKYO! LOOK OUT!" Ranma cried out, looking up into the sky. Ukyo followed his gaze, and saw the knife he had just swatted away descending. He pulled back just barely in time to miss his chest getting split open.
The boy squawked as he lost his balance and tipped backwards, causing the young girl to fear the worse as she let out a scream of fright and went to check her future husband.
"Ukyo! UKYO! SPEAK TO ME! Are..." the girl started glowing a brilliant pink as she looked the 'boy' over for wounds. Ranma backed up in a crabwalk, fearing the little girl was going to blame him for hurting Ukyo.
"Youuuuu, you stole my precious little heart, Ukyo. We were going to be husband and wife with a pony and mommy and daddy and the nice man with the cowboy hat and all of mommys boyfriends AND YOU JUST HAD TO GO AND CONFUSE MY DAMN HORMONES!!!!"
Ukyo realized that the travel brochures to the other side of the world might have been much more intriguing than she originally suspected. Ukyo sprinted as soon as she got to her feet, only to have her ankles snagged by a bolo.
With a mad expression on her face, Lil' Suzy brought out a magnum and aimed not even an inch from Ukyo's nose. This time there was a loud bang from the gun.
Ranma turned away, not wanting to see the sight. Akane, who had just arrived, stared wide-eyed as several shots were fired.
"Alright, that's enough you little pip-squeak."
"Huh?" Ranma intelligently stated, as he turned to see Ukyo wiping her face of water. Lil' Suzy's cheeks were streaked as she continued to fire the loud water gun in Ukyo's face. Then the little girl finally wailed and ran back to the houses, leaping onto the rooftops and running away.
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Genma sat mangled in the corner of the den, due to Ukyo, Akane, and Otoku-Ranma's combined attempts at pretzel craftsmanship.
"Really, how was I supposed to know what the old fool did to you?" Ranma groused on the porch.
"Maybe, but that doesn't excuse you for your part in all this."
"Hey! I didn't..."
"YOU CHOSE OKANOMIYAKI OVER ME YOU JACKASS!!"
"I said I was sorry," whimpered Ranma.
"Hmph, just like you, Ranma-sama," Akane stated firmly. Just like a boy to be so heartless to a girl, "Ukyo gave up ten years of being a pretty, vibrant, well endowed..." Akane shook her head as her eyes started to glaze over, "...girl."
"Shame really," Ranma replied wistfully, "cause you sure are cute."
"Oh shove it, Ranma..." Ukyo got up and walked into the Tendou house.
"Second thought, you're just as uncute as the tomboy," Ranma stated, his face replacing a segment of the porch banister.