AN: Fanfiction Award Voting started on May 15th, 2008. Thanks to you, my loyal readers, Blue Moon Over Manka's was nominated for an award at The Denali Coven website. My nomination was for The Danger Magnet Award, representing the Best Bella Characterization, and it won. Thanks for your support.
There is a clickable link to listen to the song referenced in this chapter on my Profile page. The artist, Sky Nelson, has recently made the song a free download, so please take a moment to download it first, listen to it, and then read this chapter. You might want to check out the rest of his songs while you're there.
This chapter contains two points of view: first Bella's and then Edward's. You can read them in any order; if you want to read Edward's first, just scroll midway down the page. While you read, think about what you want to leave in your review.
Alice led me upstairs to Edward's room. She already had a stack of cds sitting next to his laptop, but before we could get started, Rosalie called to Alice with a question about music in foreign languages. She had some cds in French and thought they might be a good idea. Alice left me alone on the black leather sofa while she went to sort Rosalie out.
Chapter 5: Always Lose To You
Already keyed up by Alice's excitement I couldn't sit still on the sofa. I walked around Edward's room, and it was too quiet without him. His scent lingered everywhere though, making it feel like I could turn around and see him at any moment. I went up to his cd player and pressed 'Play.' I hoped hearing what he had been listening to before he left for his hunting trip would make me feel closer to him.
I heard a beautiful solo piano refrain begin. It's haunting simplicity reminded me of Edward's gentle caressing of the keys when he played my lullaby. This melody was sad and sweet at the same time. Then I heard the first line of the song and it sent a chill down my spine.
You don't deserve the kindness I give
I could hear his voice in that first line, reproaching me for my unforgivable behavior with Jacob. A tidal wave of guilt swept over me as I remembered the last time I spent with Jacob. I involuntarily bit my lower lip, thinking of how I betrayed Edward. How could I? After all we've been through, after how much I've wanted to be with him, how could I let myself be influenced so much by Jacob? How could I fool myself into thinking for even a moment that I was in love with him?
I don't need words on your lips
It's killing me to find my way with you
I've done everything you've asked me to
I knew it was torture for Edward to be so close to me, with my blood calling to him all the time. He had warned me from the beginning to stay away from him, that he was dangerous, a threat to my life. I had told him it didn't matter, and it was true. It didn't matter to me that he wanted my blood; I was drawn to him and I stubbornly refused to leave him alone, regardless of how difficult it made his life.
Edward had done everything I asked him to, except change me. The one thing that would ensure we could be together forever. I knew it was killing him to contemplate damning my soul to an eternal hell. Was that really the problem, or was I just not good enough for him? He was so beautiful, so smart, so graceful, so masculine, so powerful, so perfect; and I wasn't.
I was barely able to navigate my way across a room without tripping over my own feet. I usually had some body part in a cast or bandage. I was well read, but I would never be able to catch up with his knowledge. He had over 80 years on me, two terms in medical school and god knows what else. He had lived several lifetimes already, although always as a seventeen year old; and I was getting older everyday.
Before I met him I had merely existed. I always felt out of place, clumsy and ordinary. When I felt his love it changed me. It gave me courage and I found an inner strength I didn't know I had. His happiness was the most important thing in the world to me, and I knew my place was with him, for all time.
So just see through me, don't let my lies become the truth
I might as well surrender, because I always lose to you.
The only time he lied to me, saying he didn't want me, was for my own good. I had believed him. It was only logical that he would come to his senses and realize I wasn't good enough for him. Later he made me understand what a bitter lie that was and how he didn't want to go on without me. Unfortunately, after the disaster we called my birthday party, when Jasper couldn't control himself and tried to kill me, Edward thought it would be better if I had a normal human life, as if that could ever happen after meeting him.
Even when I believed he was gone and would never return I still loved him. I chose to love him; even though he had ripped my heart out of my chest, I still chose to love him. I never stopped loving him, not even for a moment. Not even when I was in a catatonic state. Not even when my mother tried to drag me back to Florida with her. I had clung to a shred of hope that one day he would return. I only allowed myself the tiniest flicker of hope that I would get a second chance with him, and miraculously that had happened.
I would always love him. I would always be in love with him. He sacrificed his happiness to make sure I would be safe and live a long, human life with a husband and children. Things he couldn't give me. Things I told him I didn't want. Things I had thought about having with Jacob. What a mistake that was.
You tell me you love me; you say that I'm strong.
But looking back, it's like you led me along.
I wasn't sure how much he knew of what went on with Jacob, and I was afraid to bring it up. I just wanted to put it in the past and never think about it again. Then I would hear a song like this and it would bring back all the feelings, all the guilt and remorse.
And every word left a thought unsaid.
Those are the echoes that last in my head.
What would happen if Edward did find out that I had envisioned having children with Jacob? He would be so hurt, feel so betrayed, and he would be right. He was too good for me but I loved him more than anything, more than anyone, more than life itself. Maybe it wasn't healthy, but I didn't care.
He had said I was his drug of choice and he was surely mine. There was no rehab for either one of us. I would do anything to be with Edward and he had to understand that. I had to make sure he believed in my love for him. Thank goodness he couldn't read my mind. If he could sift through my thoughts it would only cause him more pain.
So just see through me don't let my lies become the truth
And I might as well surrender because I always lose to you
I was grateful to Jacob for picking up the pieces when Edward abandoned me. I had nothing left to live for when I thought he had rejected me. He was my first love, my only love, the love of my life, and the love that was going to be responsible for my death, one way or the other. Between James, Victoria, Laurent and the Volturi, my life was constantly in danger, simply by loving Edward.
When I thought he didn't want me anymore, I had done increasingly stupid, risky things to endanger my own life, all so I could hear Edward's voice in my head, telling me he still cared about what happened to me. We had both been absolutely miserable without each other.
I drifted toward the wall of windows and looked at the sky. The storm was getting worse, rain falling in sheets from dark gray clouds. I shivered and remembered the blizzard on the mountaintop that horrible day. Then the music changed and suddenly it's as if Jacob was singing the next part of the song to me.
It's your encouragement that draws me in
You give me just enough to try again
Jacob had been there for me in my darkest hour. He had been a good friend when I didn't even want one. He wouldn't give up on me, even when I gave up on myself. There was a piece of my heart that belonged to Edward, the largest piece, and I felt so empty when he was gone.
It was like he had cut that part of my heart out and took it with him when he left me alone in the woods. Slowly, Jacob began to make a place for himself in what was left of my shattered heart, but had I invited him in? Had I confused gratitude with love?
But time reveals you've got no love to spend
You're a promise that was made to bend
I had broken Jacob's heart when I allowed him to think I loved him and wanted to have a life with him. I was able to see a future with him, but it would have been a future without Edward, and as soon as I realized that, I couldn't face it. As much as I appreciated everything Jacob had done for me, and as much as I could feel the love he had for me, it just wasn't enough.
For a moment I had thought that it might be enough, that I could be happy, but with my next breath I remembered Edward and I knew he was my destiny. As long as he was out there, longing for me, loving me, I had to be with him. I was alive, but I had no life without him. If I was honest with myself, life just wasn't worth living without him. I could choose to have a life with Jacob, but I would never love him the way I loved Edward.
So just see through me don't let my lies become the truth
I might as well surrender cause I always lose to you
I was such a horrible person, how could those two both be in love with me? Why did my happiness always mean that I had to hurt someone else? As much as I cared for Jacob, I had to face the truth. He didn't make my heart race the way Edward did, and my heart didn't ache for Jacob when we were apart. He was my best friend. He was a comfort, a refuge, escape from a future that included certain death and unending night.
Jake had been so relentless. He wouldn't take no for an answer; he kept pushing me to fall in love with him. He knew how I felt about Edward and disregarded it. He ignored my wishes and disrespected my decisions.
I knew what he was doing and I let him do it. I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't stand up for Edward. I wasn't worthy of Edward. I wasn't even worthy of Jacob. If I had chosen Jacob it surely would have ended badly, one way or the other. Doubtless the Volturi would have come looking for me, Jacob would have tried to defend me, and we both would have been killed.
It was no wonder I turned to him when the war was over though. He was lying there, broken because of me. As strong as Jacob was, he was not indestructible. He was vulnerable, and he would do anything to protect me. He risked his life to save me, and suffered the wounds to prove it. I hated to see him hurt like that, because of me. I wanted to take his pain away. I tried to, but I only ended up hurting him worse. My selfishness knew no bounds.
The stress we had all been under had pushed my mind beyond its limits. Victoria had been so terrifying I was almost scared out of my wits. Edward had been so strong, so capable, indestructible, as he was always trying to reassure me. Jacob had been the one to shed blood for me. He needed me, and I had gone to him.
Fortunately I realized what a mistake that was, how I would never have been truly happy with him, as long as I still had a memory of Edward. My loving Edward would never stop. He was my past and my future. He would be my eternity. He was my choice, and I knew now that it was the right choice.
Yes I might as well surrender because I always lose to you.
Edward's point of view, Wednesday night, after Bella falls asleep and he goes back home.
I was so excited about this getaway weekend I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like bouncing around the room like Alice on steroids. I would have Bella all to myself for three whole days. I was taking her out of the state, an offense that I could be arrested for, not to mention what her father, Charlie, would do to me if he knew.
Three whole days alone with her exquisite scent and her even more tempting body; I could pretend it was our honeymoon. It was my fantasy come true and I could imagine whatever I wanted, since I knew we still had boundaries that could not be crossed.
I could lie in bed with her all night and be there in the morning when she woke up and wouldn't have to worry about Charlie interrupting us. It was going to be heaven and hell at the same time. I would be testing the limits of my self-control as it was, but that was not new territory. Every minute spent with her was some kind of a test for me.
I was the luckiest man alive. Well, not exactly alive, but still, the luckiest man. I had no right to complain. The most beautiful girl in the world was in love with me. Mere mortals didn't stand a chance. I didn't even have to dazzle her, well, not much anyway, to get her to fall in love with me.
I had to stop thinking about her; if not, I would run right back to her house instead of going hunting. What was keeping Emmett? He knew we needed to go, and soon. I listened for a moment and heard a low moan from Rosalie. For crying out loud, we were only going to be gone overnight. Did they have no self-control?
Well, that was a stupid question. Anticipation of this weekend trip was turning my brain to mush. I would give them five more minutes and then I would grab Jasper and we would take off in Emmett's jeep and he could just run to catch up with us.
I walked over to my cd player and slipped in a new cd I had ordered on the Internet because the artist was local to the area where I was going to take Bella. It was possible that we might see him perform on Saturday night at a club near the resort. I pressed 'play' and heard a romantic piano introduction. The melody was soft and sweet, and it reminded me of Bella. Then I listened to the opening lyrics of the song and I froze.
You don't deserve the kindness I give
I don't need words on your lips
I instantly thought of how unworthy I was of Bella's kindness and love. She was a goddess of forgiveness and understanding, and I was destined to disappoint her. I had already crushed her once, leaving her for her own good. My stupidity knew no bounds. My inexperience with love had caused me to wrongly make a near fatal decision, one that I would pay for until the end of time.
I saw the hurt and pain in her eyes when something would remind her of the time when I was away on my self-imposed exile. She didn't need to be reminded of my vile words. I'm sure they were seared into her memory. The good things she could probably forget, but my disgraceful behavior was unforgettable.
It's killing me to find my way with you
I've done everything you've asked me to
This song would destroy me. It was mocking me. By finding her way with me she would have to die. I had fought against that inevitability for as long as I could, and I still could not make myself be happy about it. I knew it was what she said she wanted, but she didn't understand what it really meant. The endless nights, the endless thirst, the endless struggle against the demon inside you. The searing pain of transformation; I couldn't bear to think of her suffering that kind of pain. How I wished I could take the pain instead of her.
She had done everything I asked of her; she was so loving and giving. Her kindness knew no bounds. She was so trusting. She curled up next to me every night and went to sleep. She was totally defenseless against me and yet she wanted me there, holding her, breathing in her scent, watching her beautiful eyelashes rest on her soft cheek.
She was so frail and vulnerable, and yet she went along with whatever I wanted, never giving a thought to her personal safety. I could so easily take what I wanted from her, leaving her dead or worse, but she put all her faith in me and I had let her down before.
So just see through me, don't let my lies become the truth
I might as well surrender, because I always lose to you
What were Bella's lies? If she lied to me it was to protect my feelings. Perhaps she was just saying she wanted to become a vampire but she didn't really mean it. How could she? She knew it was the only way to be with me, so she would agree to it, whether it was what she wanted or not.
She also said she didn't want children, that it would not be a sacrifice to be with me. How could that be true? She was too young to even make that kind of decision. What if she really did dream of being a mother and suppressed those urges in order to be with me? I couldn't let her do that if she was lying about it.
She would do or say anything to be with me, she had already proved that. She had surrendered so much to be near me and she was going to lose her life if I continued to be so selfish.
You tell me you love me; you say that I'm strong.
But looking back, it's like you led me along.
I did love her. I loved her more than she loved me, but she didn't believe this. I love her so much that I know her being with me is wrong and I still can't tear myself away. The only way she could be happy without me now was if she lost all her memories of me. She would have to have a permanent case of amnesia in order to live a life without me.
I had left her before and it nearly killed her. I'm sure it would kill her if I ever left again. I told her she was strong because I wanted her to believe it, but she was still so fragile.
I've seen the frightened look in her eyes when she even thinks I am leaving. It seemed that there was nothing I could do now that would ever erase the memory of that horrible time when I left her alone. What had I been thinking? To have made her believe she was just a distraction, that I never cared for her at all, I must have been insane. I was trying to protect her from me, from this eternal damnation, and instead, condemned her to a different kind of hell.
And every word left a thought unsaid.
Those are the echoes that last in my head.
Why hadn't she argued with me? How could she think so little of herself as to believe my twisted lies? Why couldn't I make her see how beautiful she was? She still saw me as some bizarre perfect man, not the dark and broken creature of the night that inhabits this never-changing body. She thought she wasn't good enough for me. How had I allowed myself to fall in love with her? I was irresponsible and foolish. How had I allowed her to fall in love with me? That was the unforgivable sin.
So just see through me don't let my lies become the truth
And I might as well surrender because I always lose to you
It's your encouragement that draws me in
You give me just enough to try again
I knew she was going to be a problem the moment I caught her scent. I wanted to slaughter everyone in the room in order to have her to myself. What a wonderful introduction that would have been. Had I killed all those innocent children and then looked into her expressive brown eyes… what would I have seen? The compassion she extends to everyone, as freely as she breathes, or would sheer terror have replaced every other possible emotion?
Would she have been able to place one of her delicate hands on my chest and whisper my name? If she had reached out and touched my hand or my face, I might have stopped then, shocked by the electricity that would have flowed between us. As much as I wanted to taste the sweetest nectar that flowed in her veins, I think I would have been able to resist. I hoped I would have. I was so weak, so pathetic. So undeserving of her love.
But time reveals you've got no love to spend
You're a promise that was made to bend
Whatever problems we had today all went back to when I had taken her into the woods, lied to her, made her believe I never loved her, and shook her to her core. She still hadn't properly recovered. She still didn't completely trust me. She still lived in fear that one day I would leave her again, no matter how many times I promised I wouldn't.
That's one reason why I was so eager to get married. Surely her fears would ease once we were man and wife. I knew her parents divorced when she was very young, but she couldn't think that we would ever get divorced. I would never leave her again; I could conceive of a day when she might want to leave me, though.
After she was changed she could come to regret it and hate me. That was my biggest fear now. She would finally see me for the horrible monster I was, and she would hate me for turning her into one as well. As a newborn all her senses would be so intense and different, she would need much training and if she could not adapt she would be miserable and blame me. Of course, it would be my fault. Every bad thing that happened to her could be laid at my doorstep.
Why couldn't I be the responsible adult that I should be? Why must I be the reckless teenager this body masquerades as? She deserved someone better than me. Someone who could take care of her properly, instead of constantly putting her in danger.
When I think of what James did to her, and how she never once tried to blame me. She tried to protect me-- from a sadistic vampire. She put her fragile body in danger to save me. She went to him willingly. She had more courage in her tiny, frail body than was good for her. If only she were not so brave, not so fearless, but then she would have run screaming away from me long ago.
So just see through me don't let my lies become the truth
I might as well surrender cause I always lose to you
Did she see herself as losing to me? This struggle we were in, to find a way to be together, was it a losing battle for her? It didn't seem to matter what the outcome, she was always going to lose to me. If I left her, she said she couldn't survive. If I married her, and made her like me, she would have to die, and face eternal damnation. It was a lose-lose situation.
The day she met me was the unluckiest day of her life. This knowledge made me want to go find the deepest cave I could and crawl into it, sealing the entrance behind me with a huge boulder.
I loved her and because of that, her future would forever be altered. This was pure torture. I wanted her with me, day and night, and I was going to make that happen. She said that was what she wanted, too, but I still had doubts. How could she be ready to end her own life? She had such a bright future ahead of her. I would be happy to put her through any college she wanted to go to.
Maybe I could convince her to remain human for a while longer. Maybe in that time she would rethink her decision to be changed. I knew she would bring up the Volturi, but I could protect her and deal with them when the time came. We could fake her death and make them think she was gone. If that failed, there were other options. I knew if worst came to worst, I could volunteer to join them and they would leave her alone as part of the deal. I would be miserable without her, but as long as she was safe I would accept my fate.
Yes I might as well surrender because I always lose to you.
As the last notes of the song faded away I came back to reality. I was a few weeks away from marrying the only woman I had ever loved, and who loved me. The only person who had ever made me feel alive again. Who loved me enough to give her life for me. She was determined and stubborn and beautiful. She held such power over me.
If she even thought I had ideas about not changing her she would be furious. She was so attractive when her eyes flashed and her cheeks flushed; she clenched her little fists and stamped her foot, as if that would have an effect on my granite body.
It did have an effect on my body, just not the one she intended. I was totally under her spell. The wild, vicious vampire tamed by the beautiful human girl. I was sure stranger things had happened, but I didn't know what they were.
She claimed we were meant to be together. Maybe she was right. I would have to trust her. It was frightening to know she held my very existence in her easily broken, delicate hands, but she was stronger than she appeared to be. She had an inner core of steel, and a mind no one could penetrate.
I wished I could know what she was really thinking; it would make things so much easier for me. I could only hear what she wanted to tell me; this was the agony I endured to be near her. As much as I tried to draw her out, I knew she kept secrets from me. I guess that was only fair, since there were things I didn't want her to find out about either.
And while I knew she didn't tell me everything, those bits she left out might be the ones that would make a difference to our future. If only I could be with her right now. Who was I kidding… I always wanted to be with her. I tried not to be selfish where she was concerned, but I didn't always succeed.
This matter of the wedding was one example. I knew she was only getting married to please me; I wondered how much I was going to pay for this selfishness in the future.
Whatever the price, it would be worth it to have my ring on her finger and know she would be beside me for all time.
I finally found a reason to look forward to another day, and the reason was Bella. I could face anything if she were with me. I would have to focus on that, and do everything in my power to make her happy and to make sure she never regretted her decision to be with me. That would be a goal worthy of an eternity.
I hope you actually went to my Profile Page, clicked on the link and listened to this song; how about a review now?
Thanks to not done baking for being a super beta. Song lyrics for Always Lose To You belong to Sky Nelson. No copyright infringement intended.