Chapter 6: Our Deeds Are Seeds of Fate

Thursday evening

When I emerged from Edward's room four hours later I was carrying a small, brown Louis Vuitton shoulder bag Alice insisted I take, the status symbol wasted on me, but it safely held the results of this afternoon's labor, so I was satisfied.

Alice had been a big help, and she had even enlisted Rosalie in the conspiracy. I had been surprised, but it turned out to be a pleasant surprise. Rosalie had a lot of suggestions about the music and about my relationship with Edward. Since she had known him for so long, I was very interested to hear what she had to say. I was shocked that she was talking to me at all, and I found some of her suggestions shocking, too. But I could tell she meant well, and I was happy about that.

Evidently since we started planning the wedding and Rosalie knew I was going to be part of the family she had decided to accept me. She still thought I was crazy to give up my human life, but she also knew it was my choice. I knew this whole situation wasn't easy for her, but she said Edward was happier with me than without me, and therefore the whole family was happier, so she would give me a chance.

I had the feeling I still had to prove myself before she would completely accept me, and I had no idea what that would entail, but I was just grateful for any opportunity she wanted to give me.

They vowed to try to keep Edward from finding out about my secret project, and I would just have to wait and see if they were successful.

The storm had passed and it had stopped raining although it was still overcast. I made the trip from my afternoon visit with Alice to back home without incident and began puttering around in the kitchen, preparing dinner and meals for Charlie to heat up over the weekend, when he wasn't ordering pizza.

Charlie was appreciative of the enchilada casserole I made, and said he'd enjoy what was left of it again on Saturday night. He thought I was going camping with Edward, Alice and their parents, Esme and the esteemed Carlisle. Charlie thought so much of Carlisle that he didn't question any of my plans.

And since Charlie had a soft spot for Alice, he was glad she would be along, too. It was fortunate that Charlie was well acquainted with Cullen family's passion for hiking and camping, so this trip didn't seem unusual.

I assured him we would be back by Sunday night, and we were reachable by cell phone (when we were within range), and I would be totally safe with Carlisle and Esme (not to mention Edward, who would gladly throttle anyone who looked at me sideways). Since Charlie had acknowledged that Edward could be trusted to be responsible with me things were a bit easier for us.

We had almost finished eating when Charlie said something that surprised me. "Bells, I was just thinking about that evening when you told me you had been over to Dr. Cullen's and you were dating Edward."

Crap. There was no way this conversation was going to turn out well. All hell had broken loose that night after the baseball game and I had ended up days later in the hospital in Phoenix. And I had said terrible things to Charlie before I left.

It must have been really hard on him to hear those things from me and then find out I had a fight with a boyfriend he hardly knew about and then see me return in my injured state, cast and all.

He must have been questioning my mental state then. So my depression later shouldn't have come as much of a surprise. Unfortunately, Charlie laid all my problems at Edward's door. I hoped against hope he wasn't going to say something else bad about Edward or the wedding. I decided to proceed with extreme caution.

"Yes, I remember that night."

"I was just thinking you must have been seeing him already; I mean, that wasn't really your first date, was it?"

I hadn't expected that question. How much thought had Charlie been giving this? I started to feel like he had hauled me down to the station for interrogation. I put down my fork. It was a good thing I was almost done since I now had no appetite.

"No, not exactly. I had been seeing Edward since the first day of school, when I moved here." Technically that was the truth. I had been intrigued with him from day one.

Charlie continued chewing, waiting for me to go on with my explanation.

"You know he was my lab partner in Biology. We had lunches together. He saved my life when Tyler's van almost hit me. We grew close over time. But it wasn't like I was sneaking around and dating him behind your back," I hurried to assure him, skating dangerously close to the edge of the truth. "Fate just kind of kept throwing us together."

"I see. I thought there had to be more to it than you let on when you took off for Phoenix."

"That was a terrible misunderstanding. I know our relationship may seem… unusual, but I can assure you that we are on the right track now and we plan to stay on it. We've both made mistakes in the past but we've learned from them."

"I know you care about him, maybe too much. How can you be sure he won't hurt you again?"

I sighed. I guess he had a right to ask that. "Since Edward returned and we got back together, have I been unhappy?"

"Well, you came home pretty upset not that long ago."

"That was about Jake, not Edward. And you know it wasn't the first time Jake upset me." I rubbed my recently healed hand for emphasis.

"I know Jake's a little wild, but he's young."

"Yes, he's too young for me. He's like my little brother." We both smiled at that, thinking of how unbelievably tall Jake had grown.

"Edward hasn't done anything to upset me since we got back together. In fact, quite the opposite. He goes out of his way to make sure I'm happy. You know he's adamant about my going to college. We don't plan on having kids right away, so you don't have to worry about that." I hated saying things like that, but if he needed reassuring, I would do what was necessary.

"I know all that. But things happen, Bells. People get married and then they change their mind. Marriage is not a guarantee of happiness."

I knew he was thinking about Renee. Charlie was a Swan, and like swans, he had mated for life. Unfortunately, Renee resisted becoming a Swan but she did give birth to one; somehow I always felt more like the ugly duckling. Charlie loved Renee, they got married, had me and she left him. I knew he didn't want to see that happen to me. But I wasn't Renee. There was no way I was going to get pregnant and leave Edward. But he couldn't know that.

"I know that, and so does Edward. We don't have to be married to be happy. We're already happy. That's not what marriage is about for us." This wasn't coming out the way I meant it to and he wasn't looking convinced.

"You need to understand something, Dad. The problems we've had were because of misunderstandings or jumping to the wrong conclusion, not because either one of us ever fell out of love. Even when we were apart, we still loved each other. That's what made it so hard. I don't want to go into all the details, but you have to believe me."

I paused to take a deep breath. I was starting to get annoyed that he had waited until Edward was away to ask me about this. Charlie still looked skeptical. I plunged ahead.

"That separation made us both realize we never want to be apart again. That's one of the reasons we're getting married now, rather than later. I just don't want to wait to start living my life."

"I can see that you aren't going to change your mind, but you're not the one I'm worried about."

"Edward is not going to change his mind, either. But I guess only time will convince you." Unfortunately he wasn't going to get to check on us ten or twenty years from now.

"You're still my little girl. I just want you to be happy, Bella."

I guessed I would always be his little girl. He would never get to see me grow any older. He really wasn't making this easy on me. But I had to be strong.

"Edward makes me happy. I thought you had accepted this." I was getting exasperated.

"I have, I just wanted to make sure you weren't having second thoughts. If you change your mind, even if it's on the wedding day, just tell me. I will take it from there."

"I'm not going to change my mind. I have given this a lot of thought; it was not a snap decision. Believe me, Dad, I want this marriage. I want to spend my life with Edward. Always remember that. My wedding day is going to be the happiest day of my life. And I'm so glad you're going to walk me down the aisle. It means a lot to me," I felt the tears filling my eyes now and I couldn't say anything else.

Charlie reached over and put his arm around me, giving me a quick hug. I smiled and blinked away the tears. Our talk was over. I hoped he would remember how much I wanted to be with Edward when the time came and he found out he wasn't going to ever see me again.

We had finished dinner and as Charlie went into the living room to watch SportsCenter I headed for the sink to do the dishes, feeling terribly guilty. Why did my happiness have to hurt the ones I loved?

As I put the dishes in the sink I tried to think about tomorrow, when Edward would return and whisk me away from Charlie's doubts. I couldn't tell Charlie the truth, and he wouldn't get the chance to see Edward and I together forever. Hopefully this little talk would give him some comfort. He had tried to get me to reconsider and I had tried to make him understand a future with Edward was all I wanted.

I couldn't wait for Edward to get back and take me away. I couldn't even believe how I had let myself get talked into this surprise weekend. It had started out as a simple request by me to find out if there was something special I could get for Edward's birthday.

Alice refused to get involved at all, reminding me that Edward did not want to celebrate his birthday and she was not going to incur his wrath. So I knew I was probably in for some trouble if I tried to pursue it, but that didn't stop me.

Edward's birthday was about the most important date in history, as far as I was concerned. Of course, I wasn't sure of the exact date when he had been reborn, or I would have happily celebrated that, too. It was a bit like which came first, the chicken or the egg?

He was the man I was going to spend eternity with, and I wanted to let him know the date he was born was important to me. I didn't have a lot of money to spend, and he was very hard to buy for even if I had a fortune. He already had the cars he wanted, clothes were not an option, he had the largest CD collection I had ever seen, and he didn't need after shave lotion or cologne, he already smelled better than anything.

Although I could fix him a nice dinner and bake him a cake he would not be able to eat it. In racking my brain for ideas I just kept coming up short, and started to feel sorry for myself because I wasn't talented enough to paint him a picture or compose some music for him. I couldn't sing, I couldn't dance, and I couldn't think of anything to get him.

The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. I thought about making a scrapbook of special moments we had shared, but then I knew he had a perfect memory and it would just be redundant. Any scrapbook I made would be for me.

It had occurred to me that I could get a tattoo of his name inside a heart, somewhere only he could see it, but I figured he would probably be shocked. Sometimes he was so old fashioned. I really wanted to get one that said 'Bite me' on my rear end but I wasn't sure he would think it was as funny as I did. As soon as I decided to talk to Alice to see if she thought he would be upset about it, my phone rang.

"Hello."

"Only if you want to see the tattoo artist dead."

"What? What are you talking about Alice?"

"Edward wouldn't want any man to spend that much time working on your posterior. Or even looking at your posterior."

"What if I got it someplace else not so delicate?"

"I think the prohibition about working on any part of your body would still be in place. And I think it's funny Bella, but I'm not sure he would. He is a bit sensitive about that phrase you know."

"I suspected as much. I'm running out of ideas. Help me," I begged.

"Sorry, Bella, you are on your own with this one."

So, driven to desperation, I had finally just told him I was going to celebrate his birthday and flat out asked him what I could get him. At first he had looked stern and then his beautiful eyes had started sparkling like all get out. I knew immediately I was in trouble.

He wanted to plan a surprise weekend getaway for us without any objections from me. I had screamed and said no way; that was a dirty trick. But he refused to take 'no' for an answer.

He said three days alone with me, away from Forks, would be the best present I could ever give him. I reminded him that he had taken me to Florida to visit Renee, but he said this time it would be just the two of us, and it would be a dream vacation I would never forget.

I could tell he was really excited and between smiling at me, covering me with hundreds of little kisses and training those breathtaking topaz eyes on me, I had weakened and given in. He was such a cheater. And even when I knew what he was doing, he was so hard to resist. Sometimes I didn't want to resist, and this had been one of those times. Three days alone with him sounded too good to be true to me, too.

I suspected this was going to turn out to be more of a present for me than for him, but he seemed so happy I couldn't refuse. And I did have to go along for the whole weekend without complaining about the surprises. That would probably call for some sacrifice on my part, so at least I would be giving him something.

And I made him promise that there would be no expensive gifts for me as part of this deal, like a new car or a diamond necklace. I knew how much he wanted to give me these things and it would be just like him to try and sneak them in somehow. And he was giving me no clues as to our destination or anything. This was going to require a great deal of patience on my part, something that I needed to practice.

I was snapped out of my reverie by the sound of the phone ringing on the kitchen wall. I raced to pick it up.

"Hello," I gasped hopefully, waiting to Edward's velvet voice.

"Hi, Bella,"

"Oh, hi Angela. What's up?"

"Well I can tell from the disappointment in your voice that Edward is still away on his camping trip with his brothers," she said perceptively.

"Yes, I thought this might be him calling," I admitted.

"Well, him being gone might work out for the best anyway."

"What?" I asked, completely mystified.

"I just called to tell you Sense and Sensibility is on TV tonight. I tried to get Ben to watch it, but he and Eric are going to see another one of those Tokyo Drift movies. Do you want to come over and watch it with me?"

"Oh, thanks for the invitation, Angela. That's a good idea, but I think I just want to stay in tonight; I'll probably watch it here, though, I never get tired of that movie."

"Okay. Edward's coming back tomorrow, isn't he?" She asked cautiously.

"Yeah, he's supposed to," I said a bit forlornly.

"Bella, you must know you have nothing to worry about when Edward is away. He usually sticks to you like glue; he's always looking out for you, he treats you like you were made of glass. I'm very happy with Ben, but you've got a guy any girl would envy," she concluded.

"Oh, I know that much," I rolled my eyes. "I just sometimes don't get what he sees in me," I faltered.

"Bella! You're pretty, smart, kind, and a more loyal friend would be impossible to find. You two are perfect for each other. Don't stress about it," she advised.

"Thanks, Angela. I'm lucky to have you for a friend. Bye," I said gratefully. I hung up the phone, finished the dishes and thought about what she said. She had been one of the few who had been there for me when Edward had disappeared, and she had accepted him when he came back because I did. She was a true friend.

Of course I had a bit more to stress about than she knew, what with Edward and his family being vampires, and me dying to be one, too. She wouldn't think I was such a great friend when I just disappeared one day and she never saw me again. I wondered if I would even remember her.

I felt tears starting to form and I blinked until they stopped. I couldn't allow myself to think about that now. I hung up the dish towel and went into the living room.

"Is there a game on tonight, Dad?

"Nothing special, why Bells?"

"There's a Jane Austen movie on," I explained.

"That's fine, go ahead and change the channel, it's okay," he encouraged.

"I don't think it's your kind of movie, Dad," I warned.

"That's alright, I'm going to turn in, I've got to get an early start in the morning," he said, getting off the sofa. "Be careful on the hiking trails Bells, and don't go into the woods alone," he admonished.

"Don't worry, the Cullens will take good care of me," I admired myself as I said this without a trace of irony. "Night, Dad."

I found the right channel and curled up on the couch. The music immediately drew me in I began to be more involved in the trials of the Dashwood sisters than my own. But certain scenes had new meaning, since falling in love with Edward.

Marianne: "Can he love her? Can the soul be really be satisfied with such polite affections? To love is to burn - to be on fire, like Juliet or Guinevere or Eloise..."
Mrs. Dashwood: "They made rather pathetic ends, dear. "
Marianne: "Pathetic? To die for love? How can you say so? What could be more glorious? "
Mrs. Dashwood: "I think that would be taking your romantic sensibilities a little far."

Being engaged to a vampire put a different slant on Marianne's proclamations. Fortunately Edward wasn't after my blood, anymore, and since I had put a hold on our physical activities in the meadow, he wasn't after my body either. I knew I should be grateful for his powers of self-control, but I was starting to rethink my position on the physical side of our relationship. I still lived in hope.

When Marianne says, 'Love is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken,' I thought: that's exactly how I feel about Edward and nothing will ever change that. And after all the turmoil I had put him through I would spend the rest of my life making him believe it.

Then my favorite scene started. Edward Ferris comes to propose to Elinor Dashwood, but she mistakenly thinks he's already married and has no idea why he's there. The scene begins very awkwardly, and she realizes he's not married and he returns her love. She starts to cry and I start to laugh.

The way her sister and mother exchange glances, and then her sister begins to lean ever so slightly in preparation for making her escape makes me laugh again. Elinor is still crying and Edward is proposing and then in the middle of laughing I start crying. From that point to the end is all laughing and crying.

I do love it when Colonel Brandon and Marianne, just wed, get into the carriage and he tosses the coins in the air; it's such a joyous moment. Perhaps that's what Edward is thinking about when he pictures our wedding. Maybe I should watch this movie with Alice before she plans the whole event.

While the credits were rolling I thought back to Elinor's unexpected joy when Edward comes to propose. I wondered if my Edward would have preferred I have that reaction when he proposed. Probably. I had kept him hanging for so long before I said yes.

But Elinor had been in love with her Edward and he abandoned her. And she thought he married someone else. And yet she still instantly said 'yes' when he proposed. But she wasn't 18. And her mother hadn't brainwashed her against marriage. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Funny how most of Jane Austen's books were about girls looking for husbands, or at least falling in love and getting married and they were my favorites. No wonder Edward couldn't understand me; I was a walking contradiction.

It wasn't like I needed to get established in my career before I got married. I hadn't even chosen a career. I didn't need to finish college before I got married, either. And it wasn't like I was ever going to find someone like Edward again. There was no one else like Edward. There would never be anyone else like Edward. This was my one chance at the brass ring and I wasn't going to pass it by because of something my mother said.

And her prejudice against marriage hadn't stopped her from marrying Phil. I think she was so frustrated with her mistake of marrying Charlie when she was so young that she didn't want to see me do the same thing. But Edward was not Charlie and there was no way I could fully explain the differences to her. She and Charlie both still blamed Edward for leaving me before and I'm fairly sure they thought he would leave me again one day.

I couldn't allow myself to believe that he would ever leave me again. He was desperate to marry me; once I was truly part of his family there would be no getting rid of me. I knew Renee still thought that divorce would be a possibility, but I knew better than that.

Once I was married, as far as Charlie and Renee were concerned, they were never going to see me again. We still hadn't decided on exactly what story they were going to be told, but I was fairly sure I was not going to be the one doing the telling. It hurt me to think about never seeing or talking to them again, but I had made my choice and there was no going back. I would just have to put them out of my mind, as hard as that was to do.

I knew Charlie would be happier to see me with Jake, but that also was not ever going to happen. As warm and funny and spontaneous as Jake was, and I knew he loved me, I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him. When I thought about my future now, it was always with Edward. I didn't want a future without him. It was my choice and I was very happy with it.

Of course I was sad about Jake, but he was so young, younger even than me. He would find someone else to love, someone who could give him all of her heart. He didn't deserve someone like me. He had been there for me when I needed him, but I couldn't be there for him now. Perhaps it was for the best. As difficult as it was, we both needed to move on.

I turned off the TV and started upstairs. At least I had eaten a good dinner before Charlie started grilling me; I was keeping my part of the bargain. I brushed my teeth, changed clothes, and stood looking out the window to no avail. I opened my dresser drawer and pulled out the letter Edward had left for me and read it again. He certainly had a way with words. He had poured his heart out for me and I felt warm all over.

I picked up a notebook and sat down in the rocking chair. I was still sad that Edward had to leave me to go hunting; I resented anything that took him away from me. I was incredibly selfish where he was concerned. I longed for the day when we would never have to be apart again. No matter what the cost.

Then I thought of one of my favorite movies, an update of Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew called 10 Things I Hate About You. Didn't Kate come up with a list of things in the movie to express her displeasure with her absent boyfriend? Thinking that it might help me if I could express my feelings I wrote down what I could remember of it:

I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare.

I hate the way you're always right, I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,

not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

That was my whole story. No matter what he did, I still loved him, would always love him. If he only felt half of what I felt, it would be enough for me. He was so beautiful, so graceful, so intelligent, so stubborn, and so elusive. I wanted to be with him forever, and he said he wanted to be with me forever, but he wasn't too keen on taking the steps that would make that happen, even though he had promised.

He was all for the marriage part, but he didn't seem to understand that to me, it didn't guarantee forever. Charlie and Renee were proof of that, even though he insisted we were different. Meanwhile, every day I was aging and he remained perpetually young. We couldn't go on like this forever, could we? I was looking for real permanence with him, and I was determined to get it.

I went to bed with Jane Austen but she proved to be no substitute for a tall, pale, handsome vampire. I couldn't concentrate on Mr. Darcy; tonight he held no charms for me.

I got up and located the new CD player Edward had given me and slipped in one of the CDs he had thoughtfully made. It was good to be able to listen to music again without falling apart. It was part of the healing process. This CD was full of happy love songs, designed to reassure me when he was away, and I put the headphones on and went back to bed.

It started off with Corrine Bailey Rae's, Just Like a Star, and her soothing voice instantly had a calming effect, as if Jasper was standing next to me. And then there was Edward, an angel off the page, coming into my life and changing it forever. And what did we ever argue about?

My friendship with Jacob. Oh yeah. That. He had never wanted me to be close to Jake. He was always worried about my safety; 'can't trust a young werewolf, Bella.'

Now I wonder if he knew about Jake's feelings for me before I did. I wonder if that's why he never wanted me to get close to Jake. Was it jealousy or was it just another way to keep me from getting hurt? Maybe I should have listened to him. Then Jake wouldn't have ended up getting so hurt. Would I ever learn? Would I ever stop hurting people?

Poor Jake. I knew now that I would never belong to him. I would never belong to anyone but Edward. I felt such a sense of relief flood through my body as I understood those words. I belonged to Edward. And he belonged to me. Only to me.

My evil mind couldn't trust that, though. I didn't deserve him. He would always be perfection and I would always be something less. This was my fear; even after I became like him, I could never reach that level of perfection. He was always trying to reassure me that I was enough just the way I was, but I still had doubts. What did he see in plain, clumsy, stubborn, foolish me?

I thought about some beautiful vampire wandering down from Alaska and showing an interest in Edward. What would I do then? I would not just hand Edward over and slink away, defeated. I would fight until there was no breath left in my body, of that much I was sure. And I would use whatever weapons I could get my hands on.

But what would those be? I wasn't pretty enough to compete with a gorgeous vampire. I wasn't strong enough or experienced enough. I tried to think of my strengths. They all consisted of weakness. I was breakable. Everyone knew that. What could Edward see in me?

He was drawn to my blood, but stayed for my what? My highly developed sense of humor? It wasn't my sense of style; that was for sure. I wasn't beautiful; I wasn't tall and willowy. I couldn't be described as graceful, not by any stretch of the imagination. They say opposites attract. Maybe that was it. I was Edward's polar opposite. I must have something that he wanted, that he needed. Besides the obvious. Because if it was just about my blood he would have killed me long ago.

Maybe he could already see what I would be like when I was a vampire. Maybe then I would be beautiful and graceful and wear clothes with style.

The music changed, pulling me out of my reverie. Next came Michael Bublé's Everything. Edward said he thought the lyrics sounded like they were written just for us. And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute. And when you smile at me you know exactly what you do. Baby, don't pretend that you don't know it's true. Cause you can see it when I look at you.

Edward told me I was beautiful. He told me all the guys at Forks High would be after me if not for him. Mike and Tyler had been awfully persistent for a while. And Jacob… but I didn't want to think about Jake or Mike or anyone but Edward. He was the love of my life; he was my life. As long as he was happy with me I would just have to accept it and proceed as if it made sense to me, even though it didn't and I feared it never would.

I was consumed by him. When I closed my eyes I could still see his beautiful face. His golden eyes and his crooked smile. I could hear his velvet voice. I could hear his fingers playing my lullaby on his piano. I could see his skin sparkling in the sunlight. I could smell his unique scent, so powerful and intoxicating. I could hear his intelligent mind coming up with a solution to some nagging problem.

I could feel the wind blowing on my face as he carried me through the woods on his back, sharing that exhilarating feeling of speed that made him so happy. I could feel him soothing my fears. I could feel his strong arms circle around me and I felt safe. He was my hero.

He was like a dream come to life. My life. And he wasn't a dream; he was real. Not exactly flesh and blood, but that was my department. It was good to know my place in our complicated relationship.

And that position was going to change soon, and then what? I hated the unknown. I hated surprises. I was having trouble looking into the future with any certainty. I wanted it, I was ready for it and at the same time I was confused and a little frightened.

What did I do for him? He must enjoy rescuing me; he did it often enough. Maybe my weakness made him feel strong. But he was one of the strongest creatures on earth. Surely he didn't need me to make him feel powerful. I needed him. Maybe he liked being needed. Maybe he liked having someone to take care of.

And he had trusted me with his secret. A secret shared by his whole family, and one that could destroy him and his entire existence. And he had trusted me, a mere mortal, with his tremendous secret. Had he been in love with me then? That night he rescued me in Port Angeles? I was already in love with him then; could he sense it? If he was in love with me then, it couldn't be because of anything I had said or done. It had to just be me.

I wasn't in love with him because of anything he had said or done. In fact, after the way he had treated me in the beginning I should not have liked him the least little bit. But I already loved him. Just for him. It didn't matter what he was. Perhaps it didn't matter to him that I was a weak human girl.

Really, what had he been thinking of, falling in love with a mortal? I was a completely unsuitable choice. I could have been lunch, not love. What must Rosalie and Jasper have thought when they found out about us? I'm surprised I didn't hear the explosion when they confronted Edward. He must have been so strong, so determined, to overcome their objections. He must love me something fierce.

When I thought about what he had gone through to be with me I was amazed. He had rescued me from those horrible men in Port Charles, saved me from Tyler's van, rescued me from James, and faced down the Volturi. He killed Victoria. All because of me.

I wondered how many other things he had done that I never found out about. Knowing Edward, there were probably many things he had thought I would be better off not knowing about. How could I have ever doubted his love? I couldn't let him down now.

Then the opening chords of Sting's, What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life transported me to our meadow and I could see Edward's skin sparkling in the sunshine.

I want to see your face in every kind of light. In fields of gold and forests of the night;
Through all of my life.. Summer, Winter, Spring and Fall of my life, all I ever will recall of my life is all of my life with you.

I remembered our first kiss and how careful he had been. And how reckless I had been. That memory brought a smile to my lips, lips that longed for Edward. We always had to be so careful. I was tired of being careful. With the wedding so close at hand it was harder and harder to be near him and stop at the boundaries we had agreed on.

Maybe we shouldn't wait until after the wedding to 'try.' What had I been thinking? Maybe this weekend would be a good time to try again. Maybe that would be part of his birthday present from me.

I had to stop analyzing this, it was getting me nowhere. And what did it matter, anyway? I had loved him then, I loved him now, and I would always love him. That knowledge made me feel a bit easier, and I could imagine Edward's strong arms holding me close.

The music was working its magic. I felt comforted and was beginning to get sleepy.

The last song on the CD was Edward's lullaby, written just for me. And when it began I drifted off to sleep, to dream of him.

The next chapter will be in Edward's point of view.

Many thanks to not done baking for superior beta skills.