Chapter 7: She Is Still A Mystery

Early Friday morning

We had returned from our hunting expedition and I was just about to race over to Bella's, but I decided to have a word with Carlisle first. There were things I had been turning over in my mind and I felt I needed a different perspective. I found him in his office upstairs. He was expecting me.

Come in, Edward. What's on your mind?

I sank down in the chair opposite his desk. "I can't pretend I'm not worried about Bella."

"You don't have to pretend with me, Edward."

"I know, Carlisle. And I appreciate being able to discuss this with you privately."

We're the only ones here. What's bothering you?

"I think Bella has doubts about our relationship."

If Carlisle were the kind of person who rolled his eyes he would have. Instead he just shook his head. "Edward, women like Bella are complicated, challenging, but ultimately worth it. You remember what Esme was like when she first came to us."

"Esme was already in love with you."

And Bella is already in love with you.

"But Jacob…"

"Bella is in love with you, Edward. She has such a kind heart; in that way she is like Esme. Her heart is big enough to hold more than one person. But she loves you, Edward. She has already chosen you."

"In the past few days she's become very emotional, and she's lost her appetite. Alice says this is normal pre-wedding behavior, but I am not convinced. I can't help but feel there's still a part of her that hasn't decided. If she still has any doubt, I can't let her marry me."

"She may always have doubts, Edward. If she can live with them, you will have to, too."

He seemed to think that was a possibility for me. He must know me better than that.

"I don't know if I can. For me there is no one but Bella. Is it wrong for me to want that from her?" I couldn't stand to think that even a little part of her still wanted Jacob.

"No, it's not wrong. But you have to remember she has made her choice. She wants you."

"That may be true, but you didn't see the way she cried all night after saying goodbye to the dog. I almost called you. I thought she might need a sedative. I was afraid she was never going to stop crying." Her tears from that night still haunted me.

You have to remember what she had just been through; that was a rough day for all of us, but especially for Bella. She was almost frightened out of her wits. There was Victoria, the out of control newborns from Seattle, the Volturi arriving unannounced, and the wolves getting injured. Jacob was badly hurt, and she knew it was because of her. She has a big heart, Edward. And she feels responsible for most of what happened that day.

I thought about that. It had been a terrible day. "And the stress had been building ever since Graduation."

"That's right. She was under tremendous stress. She probably could have used a sedative. At that point in time, Jacob was merely an escape from a reality that she couldn't face. But she realized what a mistake that was, and made the choice to be with you, Edward."

"How can I be sure?" Would I ever be sure? And could I accept never knowing for sure?

Actually, Edward, her briefly turning to Jacob gives you all the more reason to be sure of her.

"How do you figure that?" I was really confused now.

"Without exploring the 'Jacob option,' Bella's staying with you had less meaning. Without truly realizing that she had a choice, choosing you didn't really count. If she only thought she had one option, and she accepted that option, that's not making a choice. If she had two things to choose from then she really did choose one life over the other; she didn't just passively take the hand that Fate dealt her. I know this isn't easy Edward, but Bella may truly have been in love with Jacob."

I felt like he had punched me in the stomach. I was unable to speak.

Let me finish. "If you had died when you were seventeen, and didn't exist today, Bella may have lived a full and happy life with Jacob. He may be her ordinary love. But you do exist, and she fell in love with you. You are her extraordinary love." Ordinary love doesn't stand a chance against you.

"She may have come to that realization, and that's why she cried all night. But she did stop crying, and she chose you, Edward. She will never have to ask herself "What if I had let myself have feelings for Jacob?" She did let herself have them, and even after that, she chose you. And she's agreed to marry you, and become one of us. What more can she do to convince you?"

That did make sense, when I thought about it. She had been able to see another future, yet she chose to be with me. Her bravery always amazed me. But what if I let her down?

"What if the doubts nag at her, and say, two years from now she regrets choosing me?"

"No one can predict the future with one hundred per cent accuracy, although Alice is pretty good…and she sees Bella with you. You can't control Bella, and you can't control the future. All you can do is love her and try to make her happy. I know she is young, but she's also very mature. I don't think she would be choosing our way of life if she still had serious doubts…do you?"

"I don't know. Sometimes she has this far away look in her eyes, and of course I don't know what she's thinking…but it frightens me." I was so afraid of losing her. I couldn't go on without her again.

Maybe you need to give her some space to examine her feelings.

"That frightens me, too. If I give her enough space she might choose to leave me, and I can't even contemplate that. Besides, when I gave her space before it almost led to disaster. And she is the only person who has ever made me feel… human again."

Edward, you are over thinking this.

"I left her once, and I'm still paying for that mistake. I can't afford to make another one." I often felt like I was walking a tightrope with Bella. It was such a delicate balance. One misstep and tragedy would befall both of us.

"You made that mistake because you didn't trust her. You didn't trust that she would be able to handle everything that came along with loving you."

I could sit still no longer. I sprang up out of the chair and began to pace. It hurt to hear these things from Carlisle, even though I knew they were true. Did he not know I berated myself every day over my immature stupidity? Back then I didn't trust Bella and I didn't trust myself. Everything that had happened since then was a direct result of my doing something foolish and unforgivable. And yet, she had forgiven me.

"I still find it hard to believe sometimes that she can love me, knowing what I am." I put my hand up to stop him from interrupting. "Carlisle, you must admit, it is not normal for a human to fall in love with a vampire. And it is even more unusual for a vampire to fall in love with his prey."

"You and Bella have a very special relationship, I admit that. Jasper is in total awe of you, given the way her blood calls to you. We all are, really. And I am so very proud of you, Edward. Since you came back you have been totally devoted to her. We all see the love and care you lavish on her. Once you are married and she has joined the family for good you are going to make Emmett's life miserable."

"Whatever do you mean?" I stopped my pacing and looked at him.

"Because you are going to set a new standard that Rosalie is going to expect Emmett to live up to or better. You already spoil Bella as much as you can, but once all the restrictions are lifted, there will be no stopping you, and I can only imagine how jealous Rose will be."

"It is none of Rose's business what I do with Bella. And I will not allow anyone to interfere once we are married."

Carlisle gave me a wry smile. "I know everyone is very focused on your upcoming wedding, but have you given any thought to what kind of marriage you want to have, Edward?"

That question threw me. I sat down again. I had been so focused on getting her to say 'yes' and wear my ring I hadn't given that much thought to what our marriage would be like. It still seemed like a dream to me. I had never looked for a mate; I had never had a desire to share this existence with anyone else. And I had never dreamed I would find someone as exquisite as Bella.

It was hard for me to believe she was actually going to go through with it, given her extreme reluctance to commit. She was always saying she wanted to be with me forever, which thrilled me no end, but she didn't understand the importance of getting married. I wished I could be honest with Renee and tell her what I thought of her brainwashing Bella but that was never going to happen.

"Not really. But I have had your and Esme's marriage to see as an example; you two are very happy."

"Every marriage is different, and Bella is not Esme. Bella has a tremendous will of her own; she's very stubborn. I hope you don't think that after you are married you will be able to make all the decisions for her. I believe she will fight you on some things."

I smiled at the thought of Bella in righteous indignation mode; her cheeks would flush, her heartbeat and breathing would become erratic, her gorgeous eyes would flash. I loved her when she was like that; she was magnificent. I had no problem with her sticking up for what she believed in. It was one of her most endearing qualities.

"You are probably right about that. But I do not intend to make all the decisions, anyway. I know Bella has a mind of her own, and I like that about her. I just want her to be happy. I just feel compelled to protect her from… everything. She is so fragile and impulsive."

"There are some things that you can't protect her from; you have to let her experience the pain as well as the joy. I know it's hard, but it's all part of life."

"It is hard, but I know what you mean. Thanks for reminding me. I'll try, Carlisle."

"You love her, don't you Edward?"

"Of course. I would do anything for her."

Then have faith in her. And have faith in yourself. The two of you can make it; I know it. She loves you, Edward. Maybe she needs just a little more time. She is human, after all.

I was all too aware of that. "Thanks for the advice."

"You are very welcome. There's one more thing. You and Bella are still waiting until after the wedding…"

"Yes," I snapped.

"I meant to further your physical relationship."

"Yes, yes." When would this end?

"Do you think three days alone with her in a secluded location is the best way to resist temptation?" The two of you already look like you're about to spontaneously combust.

"You are talking to me about this now? I am on my way out the door."

"You have shown a remarkable amount of self control. But during certain acts I am afraid it is impossible to maintain that level of control, even for you. It would be too dangerous for her. I just want to make sure you understand the importance of waiting until she is one of us."

I groaned. "She is not going to be happy about this. I told her after the wedding we would try to take the next step…"

"There are things you can do; she is not totally off limits. You just have to be extremely careful." And then Carlisle went into some clinical detail, explaining the intricacies of just what a human's physical limitations were. This was like the most detailed anatomy lesson I had ever had, and by putting it in those terms it alleviated most of the embarrassment.

Even with my medical knowledge I had not been thinking about Bella in those terms. This talk brought everything into sharp focus. I now knew just how far I could go, depending on Bella's wishes and the limits of my self-control.

"Have a good trip, Edward." Be safe.

"Thank you for everything, Carlisle." I got up and walked slowly downstairs, taking my time to think about what Carlisle had just told me.

Bella brought out such feelings in me, feelings that I had never experienced, and those had been overshadowing my common sense. It was so difficult to be close to her and yet I craved that more than anything. And I was so inexperienced. I was just beginning to realize how much I had to learn about dealing with a very human woman. And she was always a surprise.

At least the boundaries were clear in my mind now. Hopefully that would make being with her this weekend easier, since I knew exactly what I could safely do and not do. That is if she were so inclined to want to explore the physical side of our relationship further. The temptation was going to be strong for me; there was no doubt in my mind about that.

I longed for intimacy with her, something that was totally unknown to me. She was the treasure I had waited a century for. I had to be very careful not to do anything to ruin our chances for a future together.

And I had to be sure of her feelings. She couldn't have any doubts. I would have to make it a priority to find out if she still had unresolved feelings that divided her heart. If she did, it wouldn't be fair of me to go any further with her.

As I reached the front door, Esme came in from the garden, removing her gloves. She saw me and I heard her thinking, 'Oh my, he looks worried. I wonder if something has happened to Bella.'

I quickly put her mind at ease by saying, "I was just talking to Carlisle about this trip we're taking, and he gave me a lot to think about."

My sensitive son takes on far too much responsibility. I hope he can relax on this trip and just have some fun with Bella. They deserve it after all they've been through.

"Give Bella my love. She's such a sweet girl; I can't wait until you two are married and she can truly join our family."

"Do you really think that what's best? I just hate that she has to be the one to make the ultimate sacrifice," I said thoughtfully.

"Yes, Edward, I do think that's what's best. You know that Carlisle was alone for hundreds of years, and my human life wasn't easy before he found me. I know you and Bella have had a different set of obstacles to overcome, but you two belong together. Don't ever doubt that, Edward. Don't let her down."

Esme was always so understanding. She had already made sure Bella felt welcomed into our family. I would try to be the son she wanted.

"Believe me; I want her to be happy, Mother. And I will try to do everything I can to make that happen."

My sweet son. You know she's not impressed by cars and jewelry. She will be perfectly happy to live with you in Alaska or anyplace else. "All she wants is you, Edward. She's a very unselfish girl."

"I know she is. Sometimes she's too unselfish; she disregards her personal safety for the sake of others far too often to suit me," I grumbled.

"That reminds me of something. With your wedding night drawing near, can you please ask Bella if she would consent to having a sort of mother-daughter talk with me?" There are things she needs to know and it might be easier if it came from me.

"I think she's had that talk with Renee." I could not believe I was having this discussion with Esme after just hearing about it from Carlisle. Was this all my parents ever thought about now?

My life was becoming even more surreal than usual. I quickly said a prayer of thanks that Emmett wasn't around. If I had to hear any more advice about my love life from him I wouldn't be responsible for my actions.

I'm sorry Edward. "There are things that I need to tell her that Renee knows nothing about."You know how much more intense our senses are than a human's.

"I will ask her to talk to you. You are probably right; she does need to hear this from you. I've tried to warn her, but she just doesn't…"

"I know. It's so plain when the two of you are together. She loves you so much. I couldn't be happier for you and Bella. She's the answer to a prayer."

I knew she was right. And she was so happy I had finally found someone I wanted to be with forever. But Esme was so accepting that it crossed my mind she would have even welcomed that she-wolf, Leah Clearwater, with open arms if she thought I loved her; although she would have to be holding her nose.

"She is my angel, even though I do not deserve her." I opened the door and stepped out on the porch.

Esme shook her head and said, "Just try to enjoy yourself this weekend, Edward."

I started down the steps just as Emmett arrived and started up them. "So, you're about to take off on your big adventure," he remarked casually. It's about time he got her alone.

"Yes, and I don't want to hear anything about it from you." I decided to cut him off before he said something that would require retaliation.

"Cool it, little brother. I don't have a problem with you kidnapping Bella," he said, giving me a wink, as if I needed another indication of what he was thinking.

"I'm not kidnapping her. It's just a surprise."

"Good luck with that," he said sarcastically. Rosalie doesn't like surprises unless there's a diamond attached to them.

I shot him what I hoped would be a withering glance. "Bella needs to get away for a couple of days so she can rest and relax."

"Right. Just resting and relaxing. In bed?" he inquired, sounding like a bad fortune cookie. Just get her in bed and stay there, man. Pretend like its spring break for shut-ins.

"Emmett, keep your—" I began, but he cut me off.

"Edward, she's crazy about you. Rosalie says--" he began, but I wouldn't listen to anymore. He's like an irritable grizzly. Those teenage hormones must be working overtime.

"Stop! I don't want to hear what Rosalie says about Bella. What we do this weekend is nobody's business," I warned, "and you know very well that I'm not a teenager."

No, but Bella is."Right. No, seriously, good luck with your cunning plan. I think it's great that you're taking things slowly before you go at it like animals." Personally, I'd go for the animal bit first, but that's just me, he thought cheerfully, his mind on Rosalie again.

"This is your lucky day, Emmett. I'm already late, and I can't keep Bella waiting any longer. But I will be back on Sunday night and I will tend to you then," I promised him as I slid behind the wheel of my car.

Just then my cell phone vibrated. What fresh hell is this? I glanced at the display. 'Alice.' "What is it?" I snapped.

"Good morning to you, too, Edward."

"Is Bella alright?"

"Yes, relax. She's not in danger, but you are."

"What are you talking about?"

"She has plans for this weekend, too."

"And those plans are going to put me in danger?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yes; in danger of crossing specific boundaries. If you want certain things to remain intact you are going to have to be very careful. She's changed her mind and is ready to push you to the limit," she warned.

I groaned. This was not something I wanted to hear from my sister. And at this point it was not something I wanted to hear from Bella, either. We were so close to the wedding and I didn't want to lose control now.

Even with Carlisle's new information regarding our physical relationship, I was hesitant to put it into practice. I longed for that kind of intimacy with Bella, I wanted to touch and feel every inch of her. I wanted to feel her all over me. But I knew how fragile she was and how I could crush her by accident with the slightest bit of extra pressure. I had demonstrated that for her with a piece of the bed frame but she still seemed to ignore the fact. I guessed it was just one more unpleasant thing that she was so good at repressing.

It was going to take every ounce of self-control I had to protect her from herself. And I was still afraid she had doubts; if she still had feelings for Jacob I could not let our relationship go any further. It wouldn't be fair to her, and as much pain as it would cause me, her happiness was more important. I hoped this time away with her would allow me to find the answer to this nagging doubt that wouldn't leave me alone.

"Thanks for the advance notice, Alice." Enough discussion, already--could this get any more embarrassing?

"How far you go this weekend is going to be up to you, because she is ready to remove all the boundaries."

"I understand. Goodbye, Alice." I shut off the phone and fired up my Volvo. As I raced down the lane I was torn between gratitude for much needed time alone and the anxiety this news from Alice produced.

Bella was always surprising me. No matter how well I thought I knew her, she was still unpredictable. And I was already thinking of how long it would take me to get to Bella and enjoy her delicious scent again.

At least I would have her all to myself for the whole weekend. We desperately needed this time away from all the turmoil we had just been through to sort things out once and for all. She was the most precious thing in the world to me and I intended to make her understand that. I couldn't get to her fast enough. The engine whined as I pushed the limits of the Volvo as far as it would go in the early morning drizzle. I would have her in my arms soon, and I knew I never wanted to let her go. If only I could be sure of how she felt.

AN: If you've read this far without leaving a review you owe me one. Did you have a favorite line in this chapter? Let me know… thanks. And thanks to not done baking for her much needed beta skills.

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