Chapter 9: Destination: Anywhere

Friday morning,Edward's point of view

Bella was nervous in the small plane, but I had my arm around her the whole time and that seemed to calm her fears. She knew I was perfectly capable of flying the plane in an emergency; I had convinced her of that long ago. We took a few more silly pictures for her album and then relaxed and looked out of the window at the clouds.

Our reunion this morning had been bliss. To feel her soft, warm body next to mine again surely must be heaven on earth. As close as I will ever get anyway. She was being a very good sport about the whole trip, including this plane ride.

The only indication that she was the least bit uneasy was the way she unconsciously played with her charm bracelet, fingering first the diamond heart I gave her and then the little wolf charm. I had been disturbed when I had first seen her wearing the gift from the mongrel, but I had quickly made my presence known and she seemed delighted to be wearing my heart on her sleeve.

I wasn't sure what he had been thinking when he gave her the bracelet but whatever it was, she was with me now and he would soon be a distant memory. I wondered if one day she would look at the wolf charm and have no recollection of the dog. I did not think I would be so lucky.

The whine of the engine and the isolation of the clouds shut out the world and let me contemplate my own thoughts for a change. My mind turned to the angel in my arms.

I knew the fierce attachment I had for Bella, a human, and a fragile one at that, was wrong. And yet, resistance was futile. I had tried; I had been at war with myself. I might not have a soul, but she did. And simply by becoming acquainted with me, I had put her soul in danger. And I could not stop at mere acquaintance. I had to get to know her. A very human girl.

Was I looking for a friend? That wasn't possible. Vampires didn't become friends with their prey. And that is what she had been to me, since the moment I came in contact with her scent. It was so overpowering, so alluring; so irresistible, I had almost taken her life then and there. But at least that would have insured her a place in heaven; and me a place in hell, if what I had already done in the past eighty years had not been enough.

But I couldn't stop at becoming acquainted with her. I fell in love with her. I didn't want to merely drink her blood; I wanted to possess every bit of her. Her body and her mind. I wanted her with me day and night. And to do that, I was condemning her to an existence of endless nights, with no rest, no dreaming. And I was stealing her soul and endangering her ability to get to heaven.

But she wanted to be with me; she came to me willingly. She had other options. She rejected them. She rejected a life without me, even though she couldn't know what life with me would hold. She said she knew what she would be giving up and she didn't care. All she wanted was to be with me. How was it even possible for her to love me so much?

I didn't deserve an angel like her. But I didn't want to go on without her. She was everything to me. All I wanted to do was make her happy, love her, care for her. No wonder Esme had always been so worried about me before I met Bella. There was such a large piece missing where love should have been. And Bella was that missing piece.

That reminded me of our first time in the meadow. I was trying to convince her of how dangerous I was; I was waiting for her to run away and stay away. But she surprised me. And at the same time I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I didn't know how she would react.

Later, when I had confided all this to her she had said, "Wild horses couldn't have dragged me away from you then. I wanted to tell you I loved you too, but I was afraid you wouldn't take me seriously."

And I had told her, "I was waiting for a sign from you. And when you said you would rather die than stay away from me, I knew. And I knew I had a heart because I felt it expanding, full of love for you."

Now that I had found her I would do whatever it took to keep her. I would gladly fight any battle, slay anyone who tried to tear us apart. As painful as it would be, as wrong as I still felt it to be, I would change her when the time came.

And I would have to live with the consequences until the end of time. And so would she. It bothered me to think of her paying for my mistake. And it wouldn't be the first time she had to pay for my selfishness. Would I ever stop hurting her? And yet she still loved me.

She didn't deserve to be turned into a creature of the night; didn't deserve the pain and the constant thirst that would become her existence. What if she regretted her decision? There was no turning back, once the venom took hold. And what if we made a mistake somehow, and she died instead of changing? That was unthinkable. It would be too much to bear. I could not let that happen.

That was part of the reason I wanted to put this off as long as possible. Carlisle assured me he knew what to do and he would be there the whole time, and of course I would not leave her side for a moment. But there was truly little we could do but wait the two or three days it would take for transformation to take place.

I was not worried about losing control when it came time to inject my venom into her tender flesh. Yes, it would be an opportunity to finally drink the blood that sang to me so sweetly, but I could not look forward to it. I knew the taste would be indescribable and intoxicating but I also knew that once I started it would be almost impossible to stop. So I would not start. I would pierce her flesh, inject the venom and move on to the next place. When I had finished my part of the process I would then try and ease her pain until her heart beat for the last time.

Knowing that I was the one who created her and brought her into this endless night was the price I would have to pay. Whenever I looked into her topaz eyes I would know that she was here because of me. Every time I looked at her I would have proof of her love. She spoke the truth when she said she couldn't live without me. She couldn't live with me, either. She would be existing, sharing all her days and nights with me. I knew what that meant, but she didn't, not really.

I knew she said she was ready and she wanted this more than anything. But I was afraid she was romanticizing the whole thing, and as much as I wanted to protect her from the harsh realities, I also wanted her eyes to be open. She needed to know everything about being a vampire--things I had made sure she didn't know about up until now. Things she needed to know to make an informed decision. A decision to become a creature of the night.

I couldn't let myself look forward to that day. As selfish as I was, it was risking everything to let the venom flow through her body. And she would no longer be living. She would be like me, one of the undead. No more warm blood flowing through her veins, bringing the blush to her lovely cheeks. No more beautiful, deep brown eyes. I knew her eyes would be beautiful no matter what color they were, but they would be different.

How different would she be in other ways? Would she remember me? Remember all we meant to each other? Would she still love me or hate me for what I had done? Could we overcome her differences or would she be so resentful I wouldn't be able to reach her?

I thought about how different I was from the boy I had been back in Chicago. But there was no one left to remember me as I had been before; except Carlisle, and he had only known me when I was already ill. And my mother had begged him to do whatever he needed to in order to save me. She seemed to sense that he had some special ability, something beyond human capabilities. She had put all her faith in him, as I was going to have to do with Bella. I was going to have to trust that Carlisle could get us all through this safely.

She would not be sidetracked. She was so stubborn, so single minded. It wasn't safe for her to be around me, around my family. Jasper had lost control over a paper cut and I had no choice; I had to leave her. I thought that was the only way to save her from this future she was so determined to have.

My inexperience with love had led me to make a very stupid decision and almost led to another kind of disaster. While I was gone she had managed to befriend a young werewolf pack. Maybe she did have a death wish.

It was still too painful to contemplate. She deserved better than this, although she was very determined. She had originally asked Alice to do it, right after we returned from Italy. And then Carlisle. The family vote. The way she had looked at everyone around the dining room table; it was almost like a bizarre game of musical chairs, searching our faces until she would land on someone she hoped would be able to change her.

I had been so angry and frustrated at watching her try to become one of us I felt the need to destroy something, anything; but it didn't make her stop.

Perhaps there was a bigger picture that I didn't quite see yet. Maybe it was destiny or fate. It was hard for me to accept that there were events beyond my control. My mind reading abilities gave me such an advantage over mere mortals and most other vampires. I had been a superior supernatural being for so long, perhaps my highly developed senses made me overconfident.

Now I had to be confident in Bella. I had to have faith in her, trust in her. I shouldn't try to question what she sees in me, since she is the only one in the world, in a hundred years, who has been special to me. However we found each other, however we came together, it was surely meant to be.

Even though I had a good amount of control over my thirst for her, it was not what I could call easy. I had control of the demon inside me and as much as I wanted to deny the monster lurking just under the surface, I was still a vampire. Sometimes when I felt the blood throbbing through her beautiful neck it would startle me with its intensity, with the yearning it inspired in me. But I could win that fight, for her sake. I had to.

I valued her for so much more than just her life-giving nectar, although it was responsible for so much of what made her unique. She was the most beautiful, delicate, feminine creature I had ever encountered. I had wanted to protect her from the first day I met her. Of course I was the first predator I had to protect her from, but not the last. She was still a magnet for trouble. And I could not leave her alone.

I would never tire of drinking in her scent, of seeing the blush spread across her beautiful cheeks, or of hearing her heart beat erratically just because I entered the room. When I touched her cheek with my fingertip I felt an electric charge course though my body.

I no longer felt lifeless when she let me kiss her soft, tender, full lips. I felt a warm current flow from her lips through mine and straight to my core. I felt as if my life was just beginning, and that was all her doing. No wonder I worshipped her.

Alice's news about Bella wanting to remove all boundaries gave me pause. I had learned that if I remained very still and held my breath I could allow Bella to kiss me as long and as passionately as she wished, without putting her in any danger. And I was still able to enjoy it. But it took a great deal of self-control, and if she was going to be testing my resolve I would have to be extra careful with her.

Being able to touch her and hold her for long, uninterrupted periods of time would help. I could desensitize myself to her scent and tame the beast inside me that still cried out for her blood. But what about the man inside me who wanted her body? How long would I be able to suppress those urges when she was determined to indulge them?

I wanted to be one with her in every way: mind, body, spirit, and in the eyes of God and the law. I was trying to do everything the right way, as hard as it was, and if she stopped cooperating with our plan I wasn't sure how long I would be able to resist her infinite charms. I wasn't sure how much I wanted to resist. I was still a man and she made me feel more human than I could ever remember feeling.

The need for her was becoming greater the closer we got to the wedding. I could feel the pressure building inside both of us. At times when she would enter a room there was this electric current buzzing between the two of us and even touching and kissing did nothing to lessen it. Jasper was running into the woods more and more often when I brought Bella over to the house, trying to escape the intensity of our feelings.

There was only one thing that was going to relieve this tension and I was desperately trying to wait until the wedding night for that. It wasn't just about preserving her virtue or mine; I was afraid I would lose all control and the demon inside me would take advantage of that moment to strike. It would only take one slip of my venom edged teeth to ruin everything we had worked so hard for. One moment could destroy our eternity.

To know that Bella no longer wanted to wait for our wedding night was both thrilling and frightening. If she wanted to be with me that way she must be fully committed to me and to our future together. Wasn't that a logical conclusion? But when did logic and Bella ever go together? She had the most convoluted way of thinking about things.

And she also had a way of rushing into to a dangerous situation without thinking about the consequences. How else had she ever ended up with me? But I just couldn't let her go, could I? She was my whole world.

But this world was less than perfect. I felt like she had recently built an invisible wall around herself. I could still see her and touch her, but a part of her was not there. She stared off into space for long periods of time and it drove me insane that I couldn't tell what she was thinking. But whatever it was, she wouldn't discuss it with me, so I could only think the worst.

She carefully avoided any mention of Jacob. She wouldn't say his name. She had given up trying to reach him by phone and she didn't drive to La Push any more. She didn't put him on the guest list for the wedding. She didn't write down the names of any of the pack.

It was almost as if she was trying to convince herself that he didn't exist anymore. Was that the only way she could deal with him not being in her life? Is this how she dealt with my absence? Was I now playing the role Jacob had played when I left her?

If she did still have feelings for Jacob, I hoped they were something we could discuss and deal with. Maybe they were tied into her feelings about being human. Maybe that's all it was. She was just nervous about her future with me; she was afraid of everything that entailed. Giving up her friends and family, her human life.

Maybe her connection with Jacob was just a friendship that she clung to for the warmth it offered. I could try and tell myself that. I couldn't stand to think she was actually in love with that mutt. That he had ever touched her and kissed her was almost more than I could stand. The thought of his mongrel stink clinging to her exquisite essence was so repulsive it made me want to retch. But at least, I thought with satisfaction… that would never happen again.

She was with me now and claimed to want to be with me forever. Then why didn't I feel like her heart was committed to me one hundred per cent? Her recent weight loss and tears were more evidence that something was wrong; I didn't care what Alice and Jasper said. What would it take to convince me she was fully committed to me? Would I be able to find a way to reach her and get her to talk about this?

She was too good at repressing unpleasant things; perhaps even better than me. She would want to protect me, do anything to keep me from being hurt. Did that extend to sacrificing her life for me? I couldn't let her do that if she was just doing it for me. This was already complicated enough without her making it worse. What was it going to take for me to get through to her?

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Many thanks to my beta, not done baking, for her excellent attitude and ability.