Chapter 10: Where you lead, I will follow

Late Friday Morning

I was nervous in the small plane, but we were the only two passengers and Edward had his arm around me the whole time. To calm my fears he explained that he had taken flying lessons and would be perfectly capable of flying the plane in an emergency. We had already been over this material once in class, passing notes back and forth until he convinced me I was in no danger in an airplane with him.

Today he tossed around enough technical jargon to reassure me and I did eventually relax and enjoy being up in the clouds with my own personal Superman. He held the camera out with his arm gracefully extended and took some pictures of us with the small window and clouds as the background.

I sometimes couldn't believe this was my life, so it might be a good idea to have these pictures as proof. As long as Charlie didn't see them. I would have to turn the camera and memory cards over to Alice as soon as we got back and make sure she kept everything at their house. I wouldn't want to try to explain this trip to Charlie.

Edward wrapped his arms around me and I leaned against him and looked out at the clouds. This was actually relaxing, if you forgot you were in a tiny plane thousands of feet off the ground. But I always felt safe in his arms.

I could tell Edward's mind was elsewhere. He played with my hair and hummed randomly. He was deep in thought and I didn't want to bother him. I closed my eyes and lost myself in my own thoughts about him. He still wouldn't tell me where we were going, but since this was such a small plane I figured it couldn't be too far.

Before long it was time to land and the pilot announced that we were setting down at a tiny airport in Petaluma, about an hour north of San Francisco. We had flown about a thousand miles, but it seemed like a quick trip.

I had never been to the San Francisco Bay area but was happy to visit there with Edward. Who was I kidding? I would go anywhere with him. Or nowhere. If he had locked us in a bomb shelter for three days it would have been fine with me. I didn't think I would ever be able to get enough of the elusive Edward Cullen. But I would keep trying.

I looked at Edward and he was smiling, his eyes barely containing his excitement. I wondered about what else he had in store for me this weekend and I also felt a wide smile on my lips. I knew what I hoped to accomplish.

A light rain had been falling and Edward quickly transported me to a waiting Range Rover, large water droplets beading up on its highly polished white surface. He made sure I was secured in the passenger seat before putting our luggage in the back and taking off; I hesitate to say like a bat out of hell, but that was the image that sprang to mind.

Some beautiful scenery was flying by as we headed south: golden rolling hills dotted with dark green shrubs, sheep grazing in pastures, large stands of eucalyptus trees bordering the flat two-lane road, and out the right side window, the Pacific Ocean.

The rain had eased up to a mist, and Edward slowed down enough for me to enjoy the ride. The further south we went, into Marin County, the greener everything became. Forests sprang up on both sides of the road, with trees growing right down to the beach.

Sheep farms were replaced by black and white spotted dairy cattle climbing up the sides of pale green hills and meadows of wildflowers bloomed everywhere I looked. There were very few houses and almost no traffic on this road and it started to seem like we were the only two people in the world. I could get used to this.

I reached into my designer bag and touched the custom CD Alice had helped me create. I had chosen songs that I hoped would offer starting points for discussion. There were so many things I wanted to talk to him about; he kept so much of his past hidden from me, and even the parts I did know about, he very seldom talked about in any detail.

I was hoping since we were away from Forks and his family he might finally feel free enough to open up and let me see another side of him. He had been honest with me about his dark side, his 'rebellious years,' and I didn't really want to hear any more about that. But there was much more to him than that unhappy period.

I knew he didn't have many memories of his human life, but he had traveled the world and seen places and people I would never get to see. He was literally like a walking encyclopedia.

The only other time we had been alone on a trip like this was when we went to Florida to visit Renee, but everything was so different then. He was in overprotective mode, guarding every word he said to me. I admit, he had his reasons, and while I enjoyed the trip, it left me with more questions than answers.

With Renee around, he could hardly tell me what it was like when Alice and Jasper first joined the Cullens. He might have attended Harvard with one of our former Presidents. With Edward, anything was possible, and I wanted to know about these things.

I didn't want to pepper him with questions that made it seem like the Inquisition. I hoped that some of the older songs I had chosen would remind him of something that had happened in his past and then we could talk about that in a natural way.

He often saw through my schemes but even if he did realize what I had in mind he couldn't be upset about it. At least I didn't think he could. He should be flattered. I wasn't prying, but I was so curious. He knew all the details of my short, uneventful life and I still had so much to learn about him.

I slipped the CD into the stereo and pushed play, saying with satisfaction, "You're not the only one who can make a mix CD, you know."

He looked surprised as the delicate melody of Paul McCartney's This Never Happened Before began to play. I hoped the sweet lyrics would set the proper mood for this special weekend. "So come to me, now we can be what we want to be, I love you and now I see,
this is the way it should be…"

He was smiling as he said "This explains why Alice was reciting the Periodic Table in French when I got back. And Rosalie was concentrating on the firing order of her BMW – did she help you with this, too?" he asked, incredulous.

"Yes," I said, delighted that we had all been able to keep the CD a surprise. "Rosalie came up with some of Emmett's rock and roll CDs, and she was actually nice to me. I think she's finally beginning to accept me."

He lifted my hand to his cool lips and pressed a kiss into my palm. My heart skipped a beat. "He writes a good melody, doesn't he?" I remarked.

"Yes, he has developed into quite the composer."

"It sort of expresses all the things I feel but have trouble saying," I said cautiously. "Especially the 'now we can be what we want to be' part."

"I want that too," he whispered, but I could tell he was thinking about everything that was involved in making 'what we want to be' happen for me. Then he looked at my hand, noticed my glowing, buffed nails and said in surprise, "Bella, your nails look lovely."

I frowned, trying to withdraw my hand but he wouldn't let go of it, simply lowering it to his side but keeping it well within his firm grip. This was already not going according to plan. We weren't supposed to be talking about me.

He then looked at me and said, "What's the matter?"

"Nothing. I just can't believe you noticed my fingernails," I said with exasperation.

"Very little about you escapes my notice. Would you be happier if I ignored you?" he inquired with just the slightest bit of an edge to his voice.

This was threatening to get out of hand, literally. "No, of course not," I quickly answered.

"I was trying to give you a compliment," he said, now with an amused tone.

"Oh it's not you, it was Rosalie," I admitted.

"What?" I had him good and confused now.

"When we were putting this CD together of course Rosalie noticed my jagged, grubby nails and I got a big lecture on how I was too old to still be biting my nails. And then she insisted on giving me a manicure," I explained.

"She has no right to lecture you about your nails, especially since it's my fault that you feel so stressed you have to bite them."

"Edward, I bit my nails before I met you; I've always done it. It's a terrible habit but it's not your fault. It's just that Rosalie…"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I know how impatient you get with the beauty treatments they try to force on you," he said, all conciliatory now.

"It's not even that; she brought out some buffing tool and in just a few minutes she had done both hands and I have to admit they look much better. And I can take it from Alice most of the time, but I guess what bothers me most is that Rosalie was right."

"Right about what… your manicure?" he asked, confused again.

"Yes, that, but it just annoys me to think she knows you better than I do. She said something about how you would like it if I made myself look as good as possible for you…"

Before I could finish my sentence he interrupted to say, "She shouldn't have said that. You're a natural beauty and you don't need all the make up and products that Rosalie uses."

It was nice to hear him say that, but it wasn't very realistic. "Edward, I have eyes. Anyone can see how beautiful Rosalie is, with or without make up. And that isn't even the point," I took a deep breath, trying not to get frustrated.

"I'm sorry I'm being so dense," he said sincerely, "but I just can't see where you're going with this."

I had to lean my head on his shoulder and tuck my right hand around his arm, getting as close to him as the car interior would allow. "You're so sweet, Edward. And I'm being a little stupid, I guess. I think I just have some insecurities where Rosalie is concerned."

"Well that is foolish, because you're worth a hundred Rosalies," he declared. "You're not only a natural beauty you have an inner beauty that she simply doesn't possess. Your kindness, loyalty, compassion, bravery, and your ability to forgive..." He had to stop speaking when I put my hand up to his cool lips.

"That's enough. I get it. Now I feel even more stupid for being insecure," I said, blushing in spite of myself. "And maybe she is right. Maybe I could wear something besides blue jeans once in a while."

"You look great in blue jeans. You don't have to change anything about yourself to please me."

I considered that statement for a moment, thinking of how he still seemed so reluctant to 'change' me. Sure, I had learned the basics of what was going to happen, but I suspected there were things I was being kept in the dark about. For my own good, of course.

It was interesting how everyone but me could determine what was for my own good. I was always the last one consulted when something was being done for my own good, if I was even consulted at all. I was getting tired of that and didn't know how much more I could take.

I deserved to know the whole truth. But I didn't want to get into a big argument with Edward on this trip. This time alone was too special to start a discussion about all the details of me being a vampire. The Cullens made it look so easy, but I had a feeling there was a lot more involved than they ever let me see.

Sometimes I felt like they kept me so in the dark that I didn't even know what kind of questions to ask. I thought of how I had literally stumbled into Volturi territory; they had never mentioned them before. And how I had finally found out about Jasper's past with Maria and the armies of vampires when it wasn't possible to keep it a secret from me any longer. They didn't exactly volunteer a lot of information.

Rosalie had finally opened up to me about her life and how she became a part of the Cullen family only when she thought it might make a difference in my decision. I appreciated her making the effort to talk to me, but nothing was going to change my mind about being with my own personal Greek god whose profile I was admiring at this very moment.

I knew Edward was just trying to protect me, and shelter me from harsh truths, but I suspected there were other things I still needed to know. And when would I find them out? When they could no longer hide them from me? I was beginning to see a pattern and I didn't like it.

I decided to stick to the subject before us for now. "Again, that's very sweet of you, Edward, but I saw the way you looked at me on Prom night," I teased.

"You did look astonishing that night, but it would be silly to look like that every day." He laughed at the thought.

Then a look of recognition came over his face as the opening chords of a Thompson Twins song began. "I know you like Eighties music, and I thought this song had a lot to say about our relationship."

"I have a picture, pinned to my wall. An image of you and of me, and we're laughing and loving it all. Look at our life now, we're tattered and torn. We fuss and we fight and delight in the tears that we cry until dawn."

"This is how you view our relationship?" Edward asked doubtfully.

"Keep listening, it gets better," I tried to reassure him.

"Hold me now, warm my heart. Stay with me, let loving start. You say I'm a dreamer; we're two of a kind. Both of us searching for some perfect world we know we'll never find."

This was definitely one of the songs that I could not have listened to after Edward left me in the woods. Just about any music reminded me of him and I couldn't stand to hear it back then. But to live without music was almost impossible if you ever left your room.

It had been a slow re-entry into the world of music. When Alice would take me to the mall there was always music playing, I couldn't avoid it. And I was happy that Edward had given me a portable CD player so I could listen to his CD again. But I couldn't just listen to happy love songs, although they were the best for the times when he was away hunting.

"So I'll sing you a new song. Please don't cry anymore. And then I'll ask your forgiveness though I don't know just what I'm asking it for. Hold me now, hold me in your loving arms, oh, warm my heart, my cold and tired heart. Stay with me, let loving start…"

"See, it has a happy part," I justified.

He chuckled and said, "Youare a dreamer, but I do like the keyboards on that song. Did you know Thomas Dolby used to play with them?" he asked, not knowing that until yesterday I had no idea who Thomas Dolby was.

I shook my head 'no,' and thought of how sly Alice could be as Edward continued.

"I'm very familiar with that song, though. I saw them perform it live on a double bill with Culture Club in London at the Hammersmith Odeon in the winter of '84. Rosalie and Alice wanted to go and Carlisle didn't want them going alone so I was drafted to escort them."

"Wow, what was it like?" I hoped Alice had some pictures of this time.

"The bands were great. The crowd was so full of punks and Goths that no one paid the least bit of attention to us. We looked like the normal ones. And the smell of weed was so pervasive it made it really easy to be in a big crowd. Talk about an appetite suppressant," he joked.

Then the next song started. It was Thomas Dolby'sShe Blinded Me with Science. Edward's smile got even bigger as he looked at me.

"It's all Alice's doing. She told me this was a good song for us because we sat next to each other in Biology," I explained.

"Well, that works, too," he agreed. "That was the first time I felt the electric current that runs between us; it took every ounce of control I had not to reach over and put my arms around you when we were sitting there in the dark watching that stupid film. I wanted to touch you so badly I thought I was going to burst into flames."

"I know the feeling; it was sheer torture."

"You did blind me or bewitch me that day. And I'm happy to be under your spell."

"You're the one who dazzles me, remember?" I reminded him.

"I think that works both ways. You have much more power over me than you are aware of," he confided.

"I wish," was my only comment.

He made a low sound in his throat that almost sounded like a purr. Then he raised my hand to his lips and lightly brushed them against my skin. I shivered and smiled. "I'm still not sure what you see in me, but I'm not going to question my good luck," he said.

"Edward! We were meant for each other. I know that now. And I won't ever doubt it."

"If you keep saying things like that I'm not going to be able to concentrate on the road," he threatened.

Then his expression got more serious as Kelly Clarkson's The Trouble With Love began.

"The trouble with love is, it can tear you up inside, make your heart believe a lie, it's stronger than your pride."

Sometimes listening to a sad love song was impossible to avoid, and I discovered that it wasn't as bad as I feared. That painful part of my past was over, and I knew there would always be reminders that I had to deal with. Too much had happened to be ignored. But evidently my heart was a more resilient muscle than I had thought, and the sad love songs didn't send shooting pains through my body any longer. As long as Edward was with me.

I liked sad movies and now I could listen to sad songs without falling apart. I could do anything if Edward was by my side. I had a lot of regrets about some of the things that had happened, and the people I had hurt, but shutting music out my life forever wasn't an option anymore, especially with Edward being such a talented pianist.

I thought this song was a good representation of my current situation. I had been through the worst that could happen; Edward had lied to me and left me. It was part of my past and I had to deal with it. And now all the obstacles that had tried to keep us apart had been removed and we could face anything together. And I loved Kelly's voice, expressing all the emotions I felt but had a hard time showing.

Now I was once a fool, it's true, I played the game by all the rules
But now my world's a deeper blue, I'm sadder, but I'm wiser too
I swore I'd never love again, I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn't worth the pain, but then I hear it call my name

Edward lowered the volume and said, "Bella, sometimes I worry about the way your mind works. First we're meant to be, then we're tattered and torn, and now love is just painful?" He sounded confused again.

I decided to be honest. "We are all those things. We haven't exactly had a perfect relationship. We've had our ups and downs. But the love never stopped. I always loved you."

"I never stopped loving you, either, Bella." He looked thoughtful and then said, "If there was one thing you could change about our relationship, what would that be?"

I was shocked by that question. It had never occurred to me before. "What do you mean?"

"You just said we've had a lot of ups and downs. Now you can change one thing, to make our relationship easier. What would it be?" he repeated.

"I don't have any idea; I never thought about it." I was quiet for a moment. "I like you the way you are. I don't want to change you. Maybe just don't spend so much money on me," I offered.

"Money. Money is so meaningless if you have a lot of it, which I hope you will understand one day. Anyway, that's a relief. I thought perhaps you might say something else." He sounded like he'd just dodged a bullet.

"What did you think I was going to say?" I was curious now.

He didn't immediately answer. Hesitantly he began, "I thought you might wish I were just a normal young man."

I could tell this was painful for him. I knew he wished he were human for my sake. Of course I wished that, too; if he were human so many of our problems would disappear. But I didn't let myself even dream about that; it would make my reality that much more painful.

I tried to make it easier for him by saying, "That didn't occur to me because I already think of you as a normal young man. Is that what you wish?"

"For your sake, yes. Don't you think it would make your life easier?"

I was desperately trying to think of something to say to reassure him. "It might, but that's not going to happen; I mean, it's impossible. And I don't think like that anyway." At least that much was true; I did not allow myself to think like that.

"You can easily contemplate damning your soul to an eternal Hell, but you can't conceive of me being a real, live human? No wonder I can't figure out how your mind works," he said, shaking his head.

"Edward, if there was a way, if there was anything we could do to make you human, you know I would do it. But since you can't become like me, I choose to become like you. I will do anything to be with you forever. That's all I want," I said as sincerely as I could, hoping it would be enough.

He kissed my hand and said, "I want to be with you forever, too. You know I want that. I just wish there was something I could do to spare you from making that sacrifice."

There it was again; his reluctance to change me. But he knows he must do it.

"I know you and Carlisle will do everything you can to make things go smoothly," I said, not even willing to start thinking about what would happen on that momentous day looming in the near future. "I trust you."

And I did trust him. He had risked everything to protect me and he showed me every day just how precious I was to him. I wouldn't allow myself to believe that he could leave me again. I didn't think he could force himself to do that now, not now that I had agreed to marry him and was wearing his engagement ring. And I knew he still felt horribly guilty about leaving me before. He just couldn't make that same mistake again.

The biggest concern I had was that something would happen to one of us before my transformation. If we could just get through these next few weeks, then everything would be all right. I turned the volume up to hear the next song, another vintage number, courtesy of Alice.

Long ago and far away, I dreamed a dream one day, and now that dream is here beside me. Long the skies were overcast, but now the clouds have passed, you're here at last!

Chills run up and down my spine, Aladdin's Lamp is mine, the dream I dreamed was not denied me. Just one look and then I knew, that all I longed for, long ago was you.

"That's how I feel about you, Bella," he said softly. "So long ago I did dream I would find someone to spend my life with, but then my life ended before I even had a chance to… well, I got a second chance with you and nothing is going to take you away from me now."

"That's what I like to hear," I agreed. The crisis over him not being human and not being able to save me from becoming like him seemed to have passed. His moods were so volatile. One moment everything seemed fine and the next he would sink into some black hole that I feared I would be unable to pull him out of.

I could only hope that once my change was complete and we could be together in every way that these mood changes would also disappear. Or was this just his nature? I needed to talk to Esme about this. Maybe she could give me some insight that would help me cope. I just wanted to make him as happy as he made me.

Then the pulsating beat of Beyonce's Crazy in Love was unmistakable. Edward cocked an eyebrow at me in disbelief and I quickly said, "Just listen to the lyrics, Edward."

"I look and stare so deep in your eyes, I touch on you more and more every time
When you leave I'm begging you not to go, call your name two, three times in a row."

I smiled at him and he nodded, tapping his hand on the steering wheel in time with the music.

"It's the beat that my heart skips when I'm with you, but I still don't understand, just how your love can do what no one else can."

His crooked smile appeared, and I said, "This was Rosalie's contribution."

He looked surprised, and I continued, "She was actually very helpful with the music. But she tried to teach me the dance Beyonce does in the video and it didn't turn out so well. She and Alice together are just unstoppable. They treat me like a rag doll. I almost dislocated my hip. She says she does it for Emmett and he really likes it, but I lost my balance and fell on my rear end." I was proud that I was able to say that without blushing.

"Are you okay?" Edward inquired, immediately concerned.

"Well yes, the floor and I are old friends; I've had a lot of experience falling."

"I will speak to them when we get back. They know better than to treat you like that; this rag doll business will stop," he said grimly.

"Oh no, please don't Edward. This was the first time Rosalie and I actually had fun together. She was being really nice and she's a beautiful dancer. They were both just trying to help, and it was funny. I don't think they're used to dealing with a human girl; I mean, they don't know all my limitations," I explained.

"Of course they do; they know you're breakable."

I laughed. "Yes, they're well aware of that. But they weren't trying to hurt me, they were trying to teach me to dance," I countered.

"Same difference," he shot back.

"But we had so much fun, and I didn't really get hurt. Please don't say anything to them, I don't want to spoil the memory of that day," I pleaded.

"Do you have any bruises from the dance lesson?" he inquired.

"I don't think so, but I'm not sure. Do you want to do an inspection?" I offered.

"Perhaps," he said with a twinkle in his liquid topaz eyes. "Are you going to attempt to dance for me later?" he asked with a teasing note in his voice.

"Sure, sure. Is there an emergency room located near this Lodge where we're staying?" I asked with a straight face.

He laughed loudly as we breezed by a pasture full of mooing cows.

Another Eighties guitar classic roared out of the speakers; Robert Palmer's Addicted to Love.

The lights are on but you're not home, your mind is not your own
You can't eat, you can't sleep, there's no doubt you're in deep
Your throat is tight, you can't breathe, another kiss is all you need

You like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh, yeah
It's closer to the truth, you know, you might as well face it, you're addicted to love

You see the signs but you can't read, you're running at a different speed
Your heart beats at double time, another kiss and you'll be mine

Edward turned to look at me saying, "The only thing I'm addicted to is you."

"I know; you're brand loyal." I blushed as he leaned over to kiss me.

A/N: Thanks to everyone who has left a review; it's really great to know someone is reading this. Did you like the songs in this chapter? Please let me know.

I've only been on this site for about six months, so I'm still learning how it works. I've noticed that some people have been adding me to their Favorites, and that's great; I appreciate it. But if you want to get an email that lets you know when I've added a new chapter, you need to choose: Add Story to Story Alert, from the same menu where you leave a review. You can still add me to your Favorites ;-)

This chapter would not be readable without the advice of my beta, not done baking. She rocks.