AN: I have the greatest bunch of reviewers. So many of you review every chapter, and I keep you in mind when I'm writing, wondering how you will react to the latest twist. I enjoy the writing process, but you all make it even more fun. Evidently I have some very shy readers, too.

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Chapter 19: Peace, Love and Understanding

Early Saturday morning

"Your desire for me does not threaten my life. I am so afraid of losing control where you are concerned. You don't seem to understand the risk." I started to interrupt, to tell him he would be able to maintain control, but Edward put his finger to my lips and said, "No, you must listen. There are things we haven't discussed, but maybe this is the time to start talking about them."

I gulped. I knew we needed to have this discussion but I was dreading it. I bit my lip and gazed up at him expectantly from my position in his lap on the sofa.

"My teeth are very sharp, and my mouth is full of venom. If any of it were to accidentally get in your bloodstream, it could be devastating," he explained gently.

I thought about that for a moment as the fireplace continued to crackle and hiss. He was very still, letting his words sink in.

"I already know that; but I think you would be able to control yourself," I managed to suggest.

"It is not that simple, Bella. You always have more faith in me than I deserve," he said wistfully. "I have to… it pains me to have to tell you this, but it seems to be the only way you will understand why…" he trailed off, obviously searching for the right words.

I looked into his eyes and saw an ancient sadness. I had seen this look once before, when he told me he didn't know how to fight against Jake's human qualities and it sent a chill down my spine. I longed to be able to do something to banish that look forever, but I felt helpless. I waited for him to compose himself and continue. When he spoke his voice was low and intense.

"Although I want to be with you more than anything, when you throw yourself at me unexpectedly and kiss me, the venom automatically fills my mouth and I have to keep my jaw clenched and swallow hard before I even react to you. My throat burns, and the instinct is there, whether I want it to be or not. I will not hurt you, Bella; I want you to know that. But there isn't a second when I am with you that I can afford to lose control. Can you see why loving you the way I want to is so difficult?"

I could tell how much it hurt him to have to explain this to me and I immediately felt guilty for being so selfish, pushy and thoughtless.

"Yes, Edward, I'm so sorry; you do such a good job that I forget what you're going through just to be with me. You really do make it look easy," I sought to reassure him.

"Don't ever apologize for being human, Bella. It's my problem; I am the monster," he said, looking down at our hands, clasped together.

"Stop saying that. As far as I'm concerned you are Superman and you prove it every second you're with me. You're always considerate of my feelings, you do everything you can to make sure I'm happy… and I appreciate how you show how much you respect me, Edward. I never have to worry that you are going to do something I will be uncomfortable with or that you would try to embarrass me on purpose. You are my dream come true. I'm the monster for taking you for granted and being so oblivious to what you are going through," I said forcefully.

"You are a sweet, innocent spirit who should not have to deal with this at all," he said softly, gazing into my eyes again.

"I would deal with anything to be with you, Edward. It doesn't matter."

He smiled then, but it was a heartbreaking smile. I could see that he was torn between being happy with my answer and sad that he had to remind me of just what kind of agony he had to endure to be around me.

"My love for you makes me strong, Bella. Believe me when I say I want you, but losing you is my greatest fear, and I just can't do anything to put you at risk."

It made me so glad to hear that losing me was his greatest fear that it was almost worth all the anguish of waiting. I relaxed against him.

"Losing you is my greatest fear, too," I confessed.

"Aren't we a pair?" He smiled the crooked smile I loved so much.

"I know that there's no one else in the world for me but you, Edward." I was so relieved to be able to say that and mean it.

"I've waited more years than I want to remember until I met you," he sighed.

I hated thinking about him being alone for so long, but I was happy that fate finally brought us together. I snuggled into his chest and took a deep breath, trying to inhale as much of his scent as possible.

"Have you ever thought about all the elements that had to coincide just perfectly in order for us to meet?" he inquired thoughtfully.

"Not only meet, but for me to sit next to you in Biology," I added. "I have to admit, I was immediately attracted to you, no matter how bizarrely you acted."

"The serendipity of that moment, if you can call it that, was amazing. Especially since although I liked Forks, I was dreading going to high school again. When I first saw you in the cafeteria, and I realized I could not access your thoughts, I was frustrated. I had to listen to the small mind of Jessica Stanley to find out anything about you, and I had the impulse to try and protect you from her. She appeared to be your friend but her thoughts were far from amicable."

"So your first impulse was to protect me?" That seemed appropriate, since I needed someone to watch over me; left to my own devices I would fall off a cliff. Fall, jump, whatever. I was a walking, talking danger magnet and he knew it too, from the very start.

"Yes, I wanted to keep any harm from befalling you, even if it was only Jessica's unpleasant feelings toward you. But then you walked into that Biology classroom and I was nearly undone. I behaved abominably; sometimes I still cannot believe we are together like this," he tightened his grip on my waist.

I thought it was hard to believe, too. He was so extraordinary and I was just the opposite.

"When you accepted me, you changed everything, my Bella. That was the beginning of my life," he stated simply. "We've been through so much together and these next few weeks are going to be hard for both of us, but we can get through them as long as we have each other. I've waited a very long time for you, but you're worth the wait. I just hope I don't disappoint you," he said wistfully. He slowly rubbed his hand across my back and trailed kisses down my neck.

"Edward, why do you think I would be disappointed? You know I think you do everything perfectly."

"There are certain areas where I have had no… practice. It doesn't make it any easier that we have these differences that will prohibit… well, this is what we need to talk about," he mumbled, clearly nervous.

"You couldn't disappoint me, Edward. It's not possible. You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen, the most thoughtful, the most gentle; I know you will be perfect. My lack of experience is more of a problem… sometimes I think I don't deserve you," I admitted, wanting to postpone this discussion as long as I could.

"Don't ever say that. It is I who have done nothing to deserve you," he said adamantly.

I looked into his golden eyes. "I love you," I whispered. "Not that you have to, but you've done plenty to deserve me. You've saved my life, not once, but several times. Just Tyler's van would have been enough. I know that you would make any sacrifice for me," I said, speaking from my heart.

"You're the one who's going to be making the sacrifice. You want to give up your life, your soul, to be with me. It doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem just," he protested, running his hand through his bronze hair roughly.

I reached up with my hand to touch his face. He nuzzled his face into my hand as he closed his eyes inhaling my scent.

I leaned back and waited so I could look into his eyes. I wanted to make sure he understood what I was going to say.

"You only look at what you think I'll be missing. You have to look at what I'll be gaining. First of all, we can finally be together forever. That's kind of a big thing, Edward. Of course I will miss Charlie and Renee, but if I were to go to college in the East I wouldn't see them very much for the next four years anyway. If I met and married someone there, it's possible that I could move to somewhere in Europe, and I wouldn't see them very much either."

"Who is this someone you are going to marry and run off to Europe with?" He sounded concerned.

"Don't be silly. I'm just saying if I never met you that might have happened. So you don't have to feel so bad about my leaving Charlie and Renee, because I would be leaving them anyway, one way or another. You know I never planned on spending my whole life in Forks."

He seemed satisfied with that answer, so I continued. "I will have Carlisle and Esme, and I know they will love me just as if I was their own child," I continued.

"They already do," Edward offered.

"Alice and I will be true sisters, and Emmett will be the big brother I never had. Jasper will finally be totally comfortable around me, and Rosalie . . . well, she's getting used to me," I smiled weakly at him as I said these last words.

"Bella, are you sure you don't want to have children?" He sounded so serious it was unnerving.

I buried my head in his shoulder. I wished he would stop asking me that.

"I just don't see children in my future, Edward." I had seen them, in a future that included Jacob, but I had turned my back on that version of the future. I was not really the maternal type, anyway. I was too dangerous to be around small, defenseless infants, and I was too selfish to have kids. I knew what I wanted in my future, and that was Edward. He was more than enough.

His voice was gentle when he spoke again. "That's not what I asked. Are you sure you don't want to have a baby?"

He was not going to let this drop. How many ways could I say this? Then a thought occurred to me. Maybe he was sorry he couldn't have children. He had never shown any interest in them, but he was close to his family.

I needed to say something to make him think that kids were out of the question for me, regardless of my husband, so our not having a baby was not his fault. I raised my head slowly and gently kissed his perfect lips. I had to help him understand.

Softly I said, "Edward, have you ever thought that even if I did want to have a baby it might not be possible? I mean… I might not even be able to get pregnant."

There were so many painful things that had happened while he had been gone that I had never talked with him about; maybe this would be a good time to be totally honest.

"Do you want to see a doctor, a specialist, about that?"

"No! That's not what I meant." For someone so smart sometimes he could be very dense, especially where human girls were concerned. Well, maybe I would have to cut him some slack on that front. I might as well tell him outright; maybe it would make him feel better if he thought I couldn't have kids no matter how long I remained human. This wasn't going to be easy though; in order to get to the good part I was going to have to cover some very rough ground.

"Those months when you were gone," I felt his body tense and he stopped breathing. Oh, this was going so well already. I plunged ahead. "My body just shut down. I couldn't sleep, and I had a very hard time swallowing, so I didn't eat very much."

"I know; I couldn't believe how much weight you had lost when I saw you in Volterra. You were like a shadow of yourself and I will never forgive myself for doing that to you."

This was turning out all wrong. "No, Edward, you didn't do that to me; I did it to myself." He opened his mouth but I put my finger against his lips before he could speak.

"Let me finish. I should never have believed your lie. Somewhere deep inside me I knew you still loved me. How could I feel the way I did about you and not know that you felt the same way about me? It was all like a horrible nightmare I couldn't wake up from. When you left it was like you had taken half of my heart with you, well maybe more than half. The pain was almost unbearable. You already know about this."

I saw my hurt reflected in the depths of his golden eyes. I took a deep breath and continued.

"I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty; please don't feel bad. My life was so out of control that my body slowly shut down. Parts of it stopped functioning altogether. Even now I'm what you could call irregular, in more ways than one. So I don't think I could get pregnant even if I wanted to, which I don't."

That wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. I felt better saying it out loud.

"I know." He sounded sad again.

What? "What do you mean you 'know'?"

"Bella, I hold two medical degrees and besides that, my vampire senses are highly attuned to you."

Not for the first time in my life did I wonder if it was possible to die of embarrassment. So he already knew I was irregular. He knew it would probably be difficult for me to conceive a baby. What else did he know about me?

"What do you mean by 'highly attuned' exactly?"

"My sense of smell is so far beyond what a human can sense. Where you are concerned I'm highly aware of the chemical reactions that go on in your body at a cellular level. I can sense your emotions through the changes in your scent. When you are afraid you smell differently than when you are happy or … excited." His voice dropped and got a bit husky on the last word.

I think my face found a new shade of red. He gently leaned toward me and placed his cool, smooth cheek against my hot one. The feeling of relief was instant, like putting an ice pack on a sprain. His hand was rubbing soothing circles on my back.

His velvet voice whispered, "You don't have to ever be embarrassed about anything with me. I will always love you, and I find your blushing adorable, whatever the reason."

He had to be the sweetest man on earth, human or vampire. How did I get so lucky? I reached my hand up and placed it on his other cheek. "I love you, Edward. Always and forever."

He held me tighter and pressed his lips against my neck. I slipped my hand into his hair and stoked the back of his neck. Then he raised his head and looked into my eyes.

"Please don't take this the wrong way. We need to have this discussion. Carlisle and Esme both talked to me before we left and warned me that there were things you and I needed to address before the wedding."

My heart skipped a beat. This sounded ominous. This wasn't at all the way I had hoped this discussion would go.

"Esme is going to want to have a talk with you when we get back, if you want to talk to her. I suppose it's the kind of talk a mother would have with her daughter before she gets married, but the kind of things Esme wants to tell you are not things your own mother knows anything about."

Oh, goody. Sounds like I was going to get a crash course on the birds and the bees, vampire style. That won't be embarrassing. "Like what, exactly?"

"There are certain differences between humans and vampires that you need to be aware of, besides the obvious of course."

"Let's nail down the obvious, for the human here."

"Strength, speed, sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch. Within those categories, there are things we experience that humans do not."

This sounded interesting. "For example?"

"You know I hear your heart beat from across the room?"

"Yes, it sometimes sounds so loud I think you must be able to hear it."

"I can actually hear it from where we parked the car. Sometimes I think I can hear it from a half a mile away. I can pick your heartbeat out in a crowd, Bella. That, combined with your scent makes it much easier for me to find you."

Vampires had more in common with bloodhounds than they thought; what was I thinking? Maybe that's why they call them bloodhounds, duh.

"When I touch you…" He held my hand up and kissed my palm. Every time he did that I felt a spark shoot from my hand straight to my heart but I had never told him that.

He continued. "Just the merest touch of your skin on mine shoots lightening sparks through my whole body. I feel alive."

"I feel that too, Edward. Why do you think my heart beats so loudly and I turn eighteen shades of red when you get anywhere near me?"

"Yes," he smiled, "but as much as you feel, my feelings are even more intense. Try to imagine what you feel and then multiply that by a thousand." He waited.

"I understand that your senses are magnified, but I find it hard to believe that what you feel for me is more intense than what I feel for you," I protested.

"I wish you could understand how thrilled and gratified I am to know you feel that way. Please know that I am not trying to diminish what you feel in any way." He paused, as if searching for the right words. "I know you can comprehend my strength, and my speed when running through the forest with you on my back. Just try to understand that my feelings about you are magnified in the same way."

I thought about that. I could understand his strength, speed and hearing. I nodded.

"Bella, you already inspire emotions in me that I have never felt before. My body also reacts to you in ways I never imagined. Just the touch of your hand on my face makes me feel as if I will explode. Kissing you, feeling your warm lips against mine… I swear I can feel my still heart racing. The anticipation of being with you as man and wife is sometimes almost more than I can bear."

If he kept talking like that I wasn't going to be able to control myself; I felt my cheeks getting hot. So all his vampire senses were in overdrive because of me. It made sense that they would be magnified, too. Wow. I had a lot to look forward to. I couldn't help but be excited about this prospect.

"Alright. I'm trying to understand that everything about you is more intense. Does that happen the moment someone is changed?" I inquired, barely able to conceal my glee.

His expression immediately turned dark. "Yes. When you… wake up, all your senses will be intensified." He didn't sound happy about that but I was.

"Then you will understand that the depth of my feelings match yours. It will be nice when we are both equal." That would give him something to think about.

Then he smiled. "We will never be equal, Bella. You will always be far superior to me."

I had begun to frown and then I closed my eyes and shook my head. When I opened my eyes I was looking into his, reflecting only love for me. I wanted him to know I would always think he was superior. "You will always be my angel, Edward, now and forever. That will never change."

"I'm always amazed by the faith you have in me. However, it is these differences in intensity that keep our physical relationship from going much further. According to Carlisle it would not be safe for you to experience… everything."

"Has Carlisle ever made love to a human? How does he know it wouldn't be safe?"

"Of course he hasn't. But he is a doctor with a couple of hundred years of experience, with both vampires and humans. He knows what their capacities are… and you are one of nature's more fragile creatures anyway. I have to trust him on this, Bella."

"You were ready in the meadow—"

"It would have been a big mistake. I could have killed you. I am so glad we stopped, although I wasn't at the time."

This was definitely not the news I wanted to hear. At least he didn't say we had to stop exploring the limits of our boundaries. I would just have to focus on the good news. "As long as I know that you love me I can wait. It won't be easy, but I will do it. Forever just can't come soon enough for me," I grumbled.

I saw understanding reflected in his topaz eyes. "You are so wise for someone so young," he said, brushing my cheek with the back of his hand and holding me even closer. He gave me a slow, sweet kiss and then tucked my head under his chin.

I was surprised that I felt a lot better after this talk I had been dreading. We were finally beginning to deal openly with the things that had been frightening both of us. He held me for a long time, kissing the top of my head and playing with my hair.

Finally he said, "Why don't you get dressed and I'll check on breakfast?"

"Okay; what are we doing today?" I asked cheerfully.

"After breakfast I thought we'd go for a hike," he replied, sounding like he has something else planned as well.

"A hike?" I was skeptical. Did he plan on checking out the emergency rooms in northern California, too?

"I will do the hiking; you can enjoy the scenery," he said smoothly.

Sure, I thought. You've planned this outdoor activity for someone who can manage to find a way to get hurt by merely standing up. Hmm, maybe Carlisle is right after all.

I reluctantly left him on the sofa and walked back into the bathroom and noticed that sitting in front of the roaring fire had almost dried my hair completely. I brushed it a few times and it fell into soft waves. This worked better than the blow dryer. Maybe there was something to be said for the old fashioned way.

Edward's lecture about how we had to wait until I was no longer human to proceed with a physical relationship was not something I had wanted to hear. Despite what I just told him, I was ready to try anyway, but I wouldn't push him anymore. If things were to unfold naturally however, I would be ready. If the worst did occur and he did injure me, even fatally, he would still have time to change me right then.

I wouldn't care; if it had to happen that way, at least I could be sure it would happen. This waiting was really starting to work on my nerves. Of course having to be changed that way was probably not the most pleasant way to commemorate our 'first time.' I could just imagine the guilt Edward would put on himself, and I would have to hear 'I told you so,' until the end of time. Maybe it would be worth it. I was willing to take the chance.

I should stop tempting him, if not for my sake, at least for his. Edward already took the blame for enough things without my piling on something new. I should be trying to make his life easier, not harder.

It was just so difficult to be alone with him in this romantic place and not want to get even closer. Maybe this was what his struggle with my blood was like. He was so much stronger than me, in every way.

I suddenly had a flash of my nightmare; the golden eyes staring at me, and the low, frightening growl. I knew it wasn't Edward but it could be me, unable to control my thirst and ready to attack a human. Was it a warning to me; be careful what you wish for? I thought about it for a moment, but nothing would deter me from my future with Edward.

He was also pretty convincing about how much he wanted me. I was not able to match his level of self-control. I was only human, after all. I was glad we could still try to expand our boundaries a bit. He was doing very well in that department since we arrived at our magical cabin.

It was thrilling to hear him tell me how I made his body react, but pure torture to be unable to act on my fantasies about him. When I did act on them, as I had last night in the tub and afterwards, it had bordered on disaster. Why did I have to learn everything the hard way?

It was very difficult to totally abandon my dreams for this weekend, even after our talk. Edward was always too cautious. He needed to loosen up a bit more, and as I looked around our lovely room I thought this was just the place where that might happen, regardless of what Carlisle might say.

I explored the closet, ready to discover what Alice had chosen for me to wear today. It turned out to be designer blue jeans and a sky blue scoop neck tee with banded short sleeves and delicate pintuck detailing at the bodice. I put them on and a new pair of hiking boots completed that the ensemble.

What a waste, I thought as I tied the laces, since Edward would do most of the 'hiking' and my feet would barely touch the ground. Although that was kind of a good thing too, because if I tried to hike in these new boots I would surely develop some nasty blisters. As much as I loved Alice, I wished she would just let me wear my old sneakers; Edward didn't care what was on my feet. I counted myself lucky that he was so easy to please.

Meanwhile, he was worried about pleasing me; I wished I could reassure him that there was no way I would be disappointed. All he had to do was touch me and I felt sparks. I only hoped I would remain conscious when he decided to let me feel all of his love. The feelings I had for him were overwhelming now and I could only imagine how much more intense they would become. All we wanted to do was love each other; why did it always have to be so difficult for us?

Edward's point of view

When Bella ran off to get dressed I felt as if a great weight had been lifted and I could take a deep breath for the first time since we had arrived here. Our talk was surprisingly honest and not as difficult as I had thought it would be.

My lovely fiancée had paid attention and she didn't protest too much. Perhaps she was finally beginning to understand the danger. I fervently hoped so; my love was too precious to have anything else happen to her, especially since we were so close to getting everything we wanted.

It broke my cold, still heart to hear her talk about the time that she spent alone, thinking she would never see me again. I have seen visions of her in Charlie's mind, and the mutt's, but to hear about it from her own sweet lips was pure hell. Charlie still had flashes of the way she had stumbled down the stairs, looking like a zombie. Paler than usual, her eyes were glazed and dead, with dark circles prominent above her sunken cheeks. Her hair was dull and matted, and she flinched when he would try to take her arm. She kept her arms folded around herself and went through the motions of her daily life simply to appease him.

I wounded her so deeply it was a miracle she was able to forgive me. My stomach twisted with guilt and pain. Unfortunately she would never forget that wretched time. I would give anything to be able to erase those horrendous days and nights from her memory.

To hear her call herself "irregular," as if she were some sort of discard or damaged goods pierced me to my core. She was unique and her value was rare beyond comparison. Perhaps she was correct though, about her inability to conceive a child. It was so like her to accept this stoically, and even to try and make it seem like a benefit, rather than a sad fact of life.

I wondered if she was telling the truth about not wanting to have a baby or if she was just saying that to soothe my concerns. It would be like her to make that kind of a sacrifice for me.

If I had only met Bella in 1918 and not caught the flu, we would have been married and she would certainly have been looking forward to having children. We both would have; it was expected, the norm. Marriage, children, a home and family; traditional, solid mid-western values. That did not happen and we will never live the life of a normal couple.

Bella was so different from the kind of girl I would have settled down with back then. Her strong, lively spirit was one of the things I loved most about her, even if it was the cause of some of our problems. She did have the worst luck… a werewolf for a best friend and a vampire as the love of her life. No wonder her days were numbered.

I was going to try my best to make sure her life didn't end because I couldn't control my lust for her. She had taken the news that simply exploring our boundaries was going to have to be as far as we could go until after the wedding relatively well. Better than I had expected, truth be told. She was usually so stubborn when she made up her mind about something. She was stronger than she looked but I didn't want to put any more pressure on her.

I was supposed to be the strong one, but she was making me doubt my resolve. This morning, with the shower! It was the weakest moment I'd ever faced. And she was so clear about her intentions toward me. After spending the night with her warm, fragrant body in my arms, no interruptions from Charlie or anyone else, it was only logical to think about the next step. However, thinking about ravishing her and doing it were two different things.

I had felt myself walking from the sofa to the door of the bathroom as if pulled by a magnet and I had no willpower of my own. I caught a glimpse of her shampooing her hair and I suddenly knew I had to get out of there before I couldn't stop myself. I longed for the day I could join her in the shower and wrap myself around her, kissing her while the hot water rained down on us.

How could I lecture her about restraint if I could not control myself around her? She made me feel so human I acted like that vile imbecile, Mike Newton. My need for her was so desperate and so unfamiliar, it was no wonder I was having trouble behaving like a gentleman.

This situation reminded me of the last time we were totally alone together in my bedroom, with similar results. Only then I practically had to hypnotize her to get her to accept my engagement ring. That negotiation had been painful for both of us.

She was so willful and determined, but I guess she would have to be, to consider a future with me, the monster who could be responsible for ending her life.

I knew she was struggling with her feelings for me, too. It killed me to contemplate her despair at my rejection of her. That she wanted me and thought I didn't want her… how could she think that? Didn't she know that every cell in my body craved her like I had never craved anything in a hundred years?

I now wanted to possess her more than I ever wanted to taste her blood, and that had nearly driven me into a frenzy the moment I got close enough to savor her delicious scent.

I loved the way her face flushed when I told her just a few of the ways she made me feel and what I longed to do with her warm, delicate body. I was no prude but I was trying to remain a gentleman, no easy feat with her resting on my lap and pressing kisses into my neck. The feeling of her sweet, wet tongue on my throat was pure bliss. I felt so near the breaking point when I was with her… but I must not break because she would be the one to suffer the consequences.

How could she give up everything for me? How could I let her? I knew it was far too late to turn back now, but I did not think I could ever be reconciled to what I was going to do to her.

As much as I wanted to be with her, I still had doubts that being with me would be good for her. Of course it couldn't be good for her. She was going to give up her life, her family, everything, to become eternally damned.

I knew how Rosalie felt about it. Even though she had Emmett she was still bitter about giving up her human life. Would Bella become bitter too? Would she end up blaming me? That would be an even worse torture than this.

The path she was on this weekend had been treacherous; she started out more determined than ever to push our physical relationship as far as it could go. Even after explaining to her why we had to wait, I didn't know how much longer I could go on refusing her if she kept pressing the matter. I would try to be strong and stick to our after-wedding plan, but this constantly shutting her down was wearing on both of us.

As Carlisle had explained it, when we two became one, there would be a release of energy, and most humans would not be able to withstand it. He compared it to a human being electrocuted, and I could understand that, since there was always this electric current running between Bella and myself.

Carlisle feared the transfer of energy would be too much for her, and no human doctor knew her medical status better than he did. She was so fragile and prone to fainting on a good day. I could only imagine what her physical response would be in a pressure-filled situation such as our first time was apt to be.

She was so sweet to claim she had no doubts about my ability to please her, but I had plenty of doubt to spare. I had two paths to choose from, and neither of them held any guarantees of satisfaction or even survival for Bella. If I restrained myself so she wasn't harmed, it was possible that she would feel no pleasure at all, and if I didn't restrain myself enough she could be injured or killed.

Not to mention how her sweet blood would be coursing through her veins, just below the surface of her creamy skin, and I could only imagine her pink blush spreading all over her body. What if I was to lose all control in the midst of passion? There were too many variables and pitfalls for even me to contemplate. As much as I was looking forward to our wedding night I also had to be realistic because I knew she wouldn't be.

All that would come in good time, but it didn't help the problem this weekend presented. After my talk with Carlisle I knew there were more things we could do, but I was hesitant to even try them until I was sure of her feelings.

I knew Bella said she loved me, and she was certainly trying to show me just how much, but I still had the tiniest bit of doubt, and it nagged at me. I had to keep myself in check until I could confirm that I had her whole heart. I had to keep pushing her away.

How could I reassure her? How long could she put up with my pushing her away before it became too much for her? How long before she became disgusted with me, frustrated by what she saw as my rejection of her? I couldn't stand to hurt her feelings like that, but I couldn't risk hurting her worse physically.

A horrible thought that lurked in the back of my mind kept struggling to come to the surface. How long before Bella thought about turning to Jacob again? Instead of just worrying that she would see me for the monster I was and run away forever, now I had to worry that she would run back to the mongrel.

Perhaps I should be relieved to think that if she did run away from me, at least she would have someone to run to. I couldn't stand the thought of him kissing her again. That one time was bad enough to last forever. It took every ounce of self-control I had to react calmly when she came back to me.

I knew she was surprised by my acceptance of the situation but I wanted her to see that she had another option, another way to lead her life. In the end, she chose me instead of Jacob. She could see a future with him and she turned her back on it.

Bella returned to me. I could see the pain in her face; she never wanted to hurt anyone. She was always putting others before herself.

What if she still had feelings for Jacob, feelings that were unresolved and could resurface? I could not let her become my bride if some part of her still wanted to be with him. My ego couldn't stand the thought. I remembered how she cried all night and how she still looked sad whenever his name was mentioned, or even when we avoided mentioning it.

How could I be sure she had sorted out her feelings? I wanted to believe that she had chosen me over him; I had to believe that for my own sanity. But was it true? Would I ever know? The doubt was tormenting me. It had the potential to drive me mad. She was the only woman in the world for me, in a hundred years.

If I were to walk the earth for a thousand years I would never find her equal. Bella was everything to me, and I wanted to be everything to her. I must know she felt the same way, or else all would be lost. I was so certain about my feelings for her. I must be equally certain about her feelings for me.

I needed to talk to her about this, but how to begin? What could I say? 'Are you sure you aren't in love with the dog? Are you sure you don't want to be with him and have a long, human life?' Yes, that would go over well.

The thought of him touching her again, him being able to do things with her that I couldn't was maddening. I couldn't let myself think about that. I would destroy something, anything I got my hands on.

I opened the French doors and stepped out on the small deck. These majestic Douglas fir trees didn't deserve to be annihilated because of my rage. Rage over something I was imagining, rather than something that had already happened. I had to calm down.

I had to be in control at all times when I was with Bella. She was too precious, too easily broken to even witness my wrath. She already carried enough scars because of me; I didn't want to add to them unnecessarily.

Bella couldn't stand any more stress. She'd once said that she'd gone crazy and knew her limits. I never wanted to see her spiral into that madness again. To know that I was responsible for it would be too much to bear.

Her pain pierced me deeper than any knife could. I couldn't exist without her, and I couldn't bear to think of hurting her, even though I wanted her more than anything. I wanted us to be together forever.

Unfortunately our physical relationship, or lack of one, wasn't the only problem. As sweet as her first dream seemed to be last night, that nightmare this morning had to be a bad sign. Her subconscious was either worried that I was a threat, or another one of my kind was still after her. Had I frightened her that badly last night? I could smell her fear and I hated that I did that to her. Had that fear created this nightmare?

How long would she be haunted by nightmares like this? Did she still see herself being pursued by James and Laurent or Victoria? I hated that I had brought them into her life, that I couldn't protect her from their torture. All the bad things that had happened to her were my fault.

Was she reliving the horrors of the Volturi? Again, her relationship with me, and my weakness was responsible for exposing her to that kind of terror. If she felt safe and secure with me as she said she did, why did she have dreams like that? What did it mean?

Whatever it was I knew I must be responsible for it. She probably never had nightmares like that before she met me. If we proceeded with what she wanted soon she would never be able to have any kind of dream. Sadly, just another part of her humanity that would disappear because of me.

Turning that problem over in my mind left me with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Was my sadness just a deep-seated fear that I was unworthy of being loved? Certainly I was unworthy of being loved by someone as pure and fearless as Bella. Anyone less brave would have already run screaming when they found out what a monster I was.

Maybe I was being overprotective. Of course where Bella was concerned, was there any such thing as being too protective? She wasn't just a danger magnet; she seemed to rush headlong toward life-threatening situations. Afraid of needles but not afraid to be in a room full of vampires or werewolves. Jumping off a cliff in order to summon my voice in her head? What else could I do but try to watch out for her every minute of the day and night?

I didn't want to smother her, either. I didn't want to hinder her development in any way. I wanted her to be her own person, to choose her own path. I just didn't want to stand by and watch her fall off a cliff. Been there, done that, as she would say.

This weekend I was seeing a different side of my Bella. She was normally selfless, but she had been unusually generous about accepting my gifts on this trip. I expected her to make much more of a fuss about everything but she constantly surprises and delights me.

A knock at the front door demanded my attention. Breakfast for my beloved had arrived. Evidently just in time as well, since her appetite seemed to have returned with a vengeance. I was so pleased to see her devouring her dinner last night; she had said she only had an appetite when I was around and she must have been telling the truth. She already smelled better this morning; her body needed the protein she usually skipped if given the chance. Perhaps the recent weight loss had just been in reaction to the stress of the wedding planning and not anything worse, as I had feared.

I would do everything I could to keep tempting her with exotic delicacies and new taste treats until the moment when I would no longer need to 'feed the human,' as she so quaintly put it. Her survival was of the utmost importance to me, I thought, as I opened the door.

AN: Okay, you've read this far and you've never left a review. This is your big chance. Time for that review now: hit that button on the left and let me hear from you.

I want to thank my beta, not done baking, for her mad skills. Another friend, Ranma15177 has also agreed to offer her insight and skills to help shape and refine this tale, beginning with Chapter 18. I'm very lucky and grateful to have help like this, so cheerfully given. Ranma15177 has a wonderful story about how Carlisle and Esme got together; it's called Making A Home and another very funny story called Conversations With Emmett. It's not just about Emmett, though. It tells what really happened between Tanya and Edward in Denali. if you like my story I bet you'll like hers, too. You can get to her through a link in my Favorites Stories List. Check it out.