AN: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews for the last chapter. I have a tip for reviewing this chapter. Some of you may already know this, but I just discovered it and wanted to pass it along. If you scroll down to the end of the chapter (but don't read the story), you can click on the Submit Review button and a little window will pop up. Then you go back to the start of the chapter and begin reading. You can make notes in the little window at any time.
I write long chapters, so if you like something at the start of a chapter, I wouldn't blame you if you forgot to include it in the review by the time you got to the end. This chapter is the longest one I've ever written, but I thought all of it needed to be presented in one place. Opening that Review window first will help, believe me. Thanks again, and happy reading.
Chapter 21: The very thought of you
Edward's POV, Saturday morning
The seabirds continued to soar and dive as we sat on the cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean, the sky a hazy gray, making the churning water look dark and cold. There was no one on the beach and it was easy to imagine we were the only two people left in the world, an ideal situation as far as I was concerned.
With Bella snuggled up against my chest I felt anything but dark and cold. She was the focus of my entire existence now. Keeping her safe, keeping her alive. It was almost a full time job, but as I tried to reassure her, she was worth it. When she was sitting here with me, pressing her warm body against my rock solid form I remembered what it felt like to be alive.
It had been so long since I had been a living human being, but when I was with her I felt like a teenager again. When she was up against me with her heart beating so strongly, it felt like it was beating inside of me. She's the only person who could make me feel human, and I still couldn't believe she wanted to be with me, a terrifying creature of the dark.
This was a treacherous path I had chosen for the two of us. Already people had died because of it. I had killed Victoria gladly, and James had deserved to die as well, but Jacob and the pack had killed Laurent. All the newborns from Seattle had died. All of this could basically be laid at my door because I fell in love with Bella Swan and couldn't resist her.
As long as Bella was human, if I wanted to face the truth, her parents were also in danger. Everyone within her orbit, really. If someone posed a real threat to her I would not hesitate for a second to remove them from this earth.
I still thought about going after those four in Port Angeles who had threatened her so long ago. Just to make sure they never tried to hurt her again, or any other poor defenseless girl for that matter. Carlisle had to talk long and hard to keep me from going after them that night. Always rational, always compassionate. How many more horrible things would I have done if not for Carlisle?
I had to admit I was ashamed of the things I had done, the crimes I had committed, the lives I had taken. I did not want Bella to have to deal with these feelings. I knew she would have similar problems accepting the limitations of the vampire lifestyle; she was so empathetic with the suffering of other people. It pained her to have to hurt others. I had doubts that these human traits would serve her well as a vampire.
The whole subject was so distasteful to me. I wanted to keep the harsh realities of what she was about to face from her for as long as possible, but time was running out. I knew she had questions that I still hadn't answered. I could not postpone the inevitable forever, no matter how much I would like to. I dreaded telling her so many things about the future she was choosing; I was afraid she was not going to be able to adjust easily and I would do anything to ease her burden.
If there was ever a time in the future that she was tempted by human blood, if I saw her about to attack and knew that I was unable to stop her, I would get to that person first and sink my teeth into them before she could. That way she would never have to feel responsible for killing someone. I would make her believe that I lost control before she could.
Turning her into a vampire was unforgivable enough; I would not allow her to be responsible to harming another human. I would not make her deal with that kind of guilt and self-loathing.
She still refused to see what a monster I was, and what a monster she would become. She thought she knew, but she didn't have any idea of how bad it would be. It was not fair of me to let her do this, but I could not continue to exist without her. She said she could not exist without me, but I had to wonder.
I had done unspeakable things; unforgivable things and I thought it was only fair that I should tell her. I didn't want to withhold information from her; I didn't want her to think I was lying to her. Thinking about those terrible, wayward years made me realize I was so ashamed of the horrible things I had done and the revolting monster I had been.
Why should she have to know about things that she had nothing to do with? I didn't want her to have to carry the burden of my past misdeeds; things I did so long before she was even born. It was part of my past, but perhaps it was a part that should be kept in the past.
The talks we had in our cabin had been enlightening. To get a glimpse into her mind was always a treat for me. She seemed to find it easier to open up and let me in since we arrived here. Carlisle had said this place was magic, and it was working its spell on Bella.
I needed to do my part, too. I needed to be as honest with her as I felt she could handle. Perhaps I wasn't being completely fair. In my zeal to protect her, I didn't always let her know what I was thinking, or feeling. Perhaps she was strong enough to handle my feelings. Perhaps I was harming Bella by not telling her the whole truth.
What a fragile posture I was trying to reach; being honest without hurting her. How could I know until I tried it? The next time she asked me what I was thinking I would tell her the whole truth, holding nothing back. It would probably be painful and I hated to think of causing her any more pain. Would I ever be able to stop hurting her sweet, innocent soul?
Quelling the monster inside me had been a daily ritual, sometimes the struggle had been fought moment by moment, but I had won. I had always vanquished the demon, fighting every instinct, putting my love for Bella above the constant thirst I had for her life-giving blood.
She was always thanking me for saving her life; if she only knew. She didn't seem to understand that the greatest threat to her life came from me. From the moment I met her, and during the first few months of our relationship I was constantly fighting the urge to pierce her creamy white flesh to get to that sweet nectar flowing in her veins.
This weekend was not turning out the way I had planned. I had longed to be alone with her like this, and now that it was happening it was both better and worse than I had anticipated.
She was all too human, and I was still the monster that could be responsible for ending her life. Not on purpose, but if I got carried away and lost control for even a moment it could lead to disaster.
There was nothing to hold me back either. Her father did know she was with me, but he thought she was with my parents as well, on a family camping trip. Not lying in my arms all night in a private cabin, deep in the woods where no one would hear her if she screamed. This presented a temptation like no other.
She was so trusting and so enthusiastic about being with me, in every way, as any normal woman wants to be with the man she loves. I still could not believe she loved me like that. I wanted to reveal every aspect of myself and I wanted to know every part of her as well.
At the same time, I was terribly afraid. It was incredible that an angel such as she would want to be anywhere near a creature of the night like me. Now I lusted after her body the way I had originally lusted after her blood, and this was just as threatening to her precious life. I was constantly monitoring my contact with her so I wouldn't crush her by accident. She was so fragile and so fearless. What a deadly and awe-inspiring combination.
My lips longed to explore every inch of her, from head to toe. All her delicate flesh… and to linger on her supple-- no, I must not think about that with her so close to me now. It was too dangerous. Already her intoxicating scent was a part of my every breath; no wonder my mind was inspired to dream of such pleasures.
She was so innocent, no matter how much she tried to tempt me this weekend, I knew it was all an act. I knew she was just as inexperienced as I was, and actually far more innocent. She hadn't heard the lustful thoughts of so many humans over the years, planning their physical activities in great detail, nor lived with Emmett and Rosalie. As much as I had tried to block these thoughts from my mind, I had heard them and now I had to admit that similar thoughts were running through my mind.
I couldn't avoid thinking about these things because of Bella. She made me feel human without even trying. Just her mere presence made my body want to react in ways I had never dreamed of before meeting her. Oh, for the day when my mouth could touch her skin without having to worry that I might kill her.
The day I long for and dread at the same time. Because that is the day she will no longer have a real life. She will exist, with me, but she will no longer be human.
She made me feel more human than ever but she also reminded me of just how much of a monster I could be. I was afraid of losing her, but I had to be honest with her and let her decide. Otherwise, if she found out I had been less than truthful, she would come to hate me later, and I could hardly blame her.
She never ceased to amaze me with her resilience. She had been so sweet and clever at breakfast with the horoscope business, so grateful for this trip, so hopeful about our ever-cloudy future. I didn't want to disappoint her; if she loved me, I would just have to try to live up to her expectations.
I thought getting her away from the near constant turmoil in Forks would be the perfect plan. Of course I had factored in every variable except for her reactions. If only I knew what went on in her mind; she was the one mystery I would spend my whole 'life' trying to unravel.
On top of this trail, with the ocean breeze gently blowing around us made for an idyllic setting. Feeling Bella lean against me, to hear the steady breath in her perfect body and smell her wondrous scent was combining to send my thoughts over the edge.
I longed to possess her, to know she was mine in every way. I wanted to shower her entire body with kisses. I needed to run my fingertips over her enchanting, supple flesh, exploring every inch of her. Being so close to her like this made me feel things I had never even dreamed about. She made me so happy. She made me into a different person. I could feel the excitement of being so close to her bringing me to life. I felt a shiver of desire run through me and then I heard her heart thud and she exhaled deeply.
I carefully, gently lifted her hair off her neck and pushed it to the other side. I inhaled her scent rising from the warm flesh of her delicate throat. There was no other aroma like this on earth, or I would venture to guess, in Heaven. She was special, unique, and she belonged to me. I tightened my grip on her waist although she was already pressed against me. She couldn't be close enough to suit me at this moment. Instead of tensing, she relaxed against me, inviting me to proceed.
I could feel myself getting carried away breathing her in, and felt the electrical pulses coursing through my body. A slow, seductive growl escaped from my throat and I listened intently to her heartbeat speed up. I pressed my lips against the soft skin on her neck, feeling the blood pulsing just beneath the surface. A constant reminder of who she was and what I was, but that was a temptation I had conquered.
Although the burning was ever present in the back of my throat, I couldn't drink her blood now. She was the most important person in the world to me and I would not harm her; I would sooner be ripped apart limb by limb than intentionally hurt her.
Being this near to her, kissing her tender throat was pure bliss. I wanted to feel my cool skin against all of her warm, silky flesh with no barriers keeping us apart. I wanted to feel her arms around me and hear her whisper that I belonged to her. I had come to believe what she was always saying… that the two of us were meant for each other. As unholy an alliance as it was, as miserably uneven, we were the angel and the demon. I wanted to believe that I was meant to find her and that she was meant to love me alone.
She was the answer to my unspoken prayer and to spend my time loving and worshipping her for eternity would be like living a dream instead of the nightmare so much of my existence had been.
I felt her stirring and she turned her face to look at me. Every moment with her like this made me happier than I ever imagined my wretched self could be. I leaned into her and softly kissed her, moving my lips gently against hers, willing her to feel the peace our being together brought to me. As much as I wanted to be with her, I felt content to savor a moment like this.
She leaned back against me again and sighed. Her hands were still resting on top of mine and she took my left hand in both of hers and started tracing the lines on my hand. Evidently she had seen enough of the ocean from this vantage point. Then she raised my hand to her face and pressed her warm, soft lips into my cold palm, which I found intensely erotic.
She broke my reverie by saying, "Edward, what are you thinking right now?"
Perhaps this would be a good time to stop holding back. I decided to tell her exactly what was on my mind and then evaluate her response. I leaned my head forward to place my cheek next to hers and whispered, "I may not be able to sleep, but it doesn't stop me from dreaming about the day I can lose myself in the warm, tender shelter of your exquisite body."
Her heart began to race and I could feel the heat building in her cheek as she blushed. I smiled as that heat fueled my desire for her even more. I had to kiss her, now. I pressed my lips against her neck and kissed my way up to her jaw. She started to quiver as she turned her face to help me happily find her delicious mouth. I felt such a thrill when our lips met. I caressed her lips with a slow, sweet kiss and she warmed me to my core. She was clearly impatient with my leisurely pace but I wanted to take my time and linger over every part of her.
When I reluctantly released her she smiled and said, "I love you so much, Edward. You make me so happy, I never want this to end."
"And I love you, my dearest Bella. You make me happier than I ever thought possible."
I stroked her cheek with my fingertips and felt her pulse quicken, sending a wave of joy through me. I bent forward and she raised her arm and ran her fingers through my hair, then pulled my face closer to hers. Our lips met and I felt an explosion deep within me, as if our souls were entwined. Her warm lips eagerly explored my cool ones and I felt my desire for her with a burning intensity.
She was so vital, so alive. I could feel her heart beating wildly and her blood racing through the veins under her delicate skin, making her beautiful cheeks flush dramatically. Her glorious scent filled my nostrils and I couldn't inhale deeply enough to satisfy my craving for her. Her grip tightened at the back of my neck and I slid my hand up her back, feeling her silky skin as I held her even closer as we continued our exploration of pleasure.
I gently lifted my head and reluctantly removed my lips from hers. "Breathe, Bella, love, please breathe," I pled.
She took a huge gasp of air and lay in my arms, her lovely brown eyes closed and a smile on her luscious lips. I loved watching her like this, as she recovered from one of our encounters. I wondered if she had any idea of the effect she had on me.
"Bella, I want you to know that up until I met you and fell in love with you, I had never experienced anything like this, like the joy you bring to me. Just a single kiss with you is more than I ever hoped for."
She opened her eyes and they locked onto mine. I continued, "When your hand touches mine, I feel this electricity coursing through my whole body; it's unlike anything I've ever felt before."
I had to let her know how much she meant to me, saying, "I had given up on ever finding anyone like you. I didn't think this kind of love could exist for me. I didn't think I was worthy and I didn't think it was possible."
She put her hand up and touched my lips, saying, "Don't say that, Edward. I know you had to wait a long time for me to come along, but you were always worthy. I still can't believe you feel about me the way I feel about you. I get a thrill when you touch me, too. I often wonder if I haven't just dreamed you up," she confided.
"If you were dreaming, wouldn't you have conjured up someone with a less complicated past?" I mused.
"I'll take you however I can get you; past, present and future, no matter how complicated it gets. You belong to me now and forever," she said emphatically, sliding her hand across my cheek and resting it at the back of my neck again. These were exactly the words I longed to her from her lips. She rubbed her delicate fingers against my neck, and I felt a tingle run down my spine.
I couldn't help myself, I tightened my grip on her, holding her closely against my chest, feeling her lips on the side of my neck as she pressed her forehead against my jaw. She drew her hand up to my face and then pulled away so I could lose myself in her deep, dark, mysterious chocolate brown eyes. Then she moved closer and I felt the tip of her tongue barely whisper against the corner of my upper lip. She was driving me mad with desire.
"Bella," I whispered, "whether I deserve you or not, I'll take you any way I can get you; for an hour, a day, or a lifetime."
"Forever," she breathed.
Bella's Point of View
This was one of the nicest hikes I'd ever been on. Getting to the top of Mt. Vision had been a quick trip for Edward, and it was such a pleasure to be held in his arms, the ocean breeze caressing my face as we swiftly made our way through the forest to the summit. The views were spectacular, and it was so private.
Edward had said that there were over 80,000 acres of national parkland out on the Point, but this morning less than a dozen people were hiking, and fortunately, none of them were anywhere near us. This was especially good for him, since it meant he didn't have to hear what was going on in other people's minds and he could rest and relax with me. The cabin was good in that way, too. It was so secluded, and outside of a few guests up at the Lodge, who he could easily block out, there weren't a lot of others around to intrude into his thoughts.
We had sat down under a cloudy but bright sky, Edward's back against a boulder and me leaning back against his chest. We enjoyed the view and watched the sea birds fly and dip into the waves before they lapped against the shore.
I thought about all that had happened last night and this morning and how even if our physical relationship wasn't advancing at the pace I was hoping for, it was still wonderful to be completely alone with him.
We could lie in bed and not have to worry about Charlie unexpectedly coming into my room. We could be completely peaceful and relaxed without hearing Emmett shouting at Jasper, or Alice bounding in with some new purchase she wanted to show me. I loved Edward's family, but it was difficult to be alone and uninterrupted there.
We really needed this time to be together. I had thought I was holding up fairly well during the past few weeks, but the stress had been horrendous and after it was all over I had a mini-breakdown, crying all night.
I hadn't fully explained myself and I didn't know what Edward thought, except that I was even more fragile than he already believed. I didn't want to leave him with that impression, but I didn't know how to discuss it, either.
I had so many conflicting emotions that day, it was like all my circuits were overloaded and had been blown out. I still didn't know exactly how to explain my feelings. I wasn't confused anymore. It was just very difficult to find the right words, and I didn't want to say the wrong thing and make Edward insecure about my feelings for him. I was sure about my love for him and about his love for me.
That love was leading to marriage. This was still a difficult concept for me to grasp, but I was warming to it. I thought about our wedding. When it was finally time to walk down the aisle, I was fairly confident that I'd have an out-of-body experience as well as an inability to recognize my closest relatives.
The good news in all this was that I was deeply in love with the groom. The bad news was… well, it depended on how you looked at it, and I chose not to look at that part right now.
Sometimes I thought that my mind was not my friend. Its ability to look into the environment, perceive "what is" and relate it back to me was depressingly inadequate. As a result, I found myself listening to this sort of interior dialogue: Look at Edward watching me. He loves me.
If he loves you, why did he abandon you?
Because he thought that's what was best for me. Of course it was a colossal mistake that caused me to get way too involved with Jacob, but Edward had no way of knowing that. He would do anything to protect me.
He would like to hermetically seal you in a jar and keep you on his front porch.
Stop!
I was brought out of my reverie when I felt something stir behind me. Edward was getting excited. Was this all it took? Just me sitting in front of him… leaning against him? What must he have been going through last night with me throwing caution to the wind and lying there naked?
I guessed I should be grateful that his self-control is as superhuman as his speed and hearing, but I was getting so impatient. My heart thudded; I must control myself. If I seemed too enthusiastic it would just scare him away. I sighed longingly.
I felt Edward's hand brush the hair away from the right side of my neck. Just that light contact with his fingertips made my skin tingle. Then I felt his cool lips press against my throat and I got goose bumps but it felt so good. His lips traveled up my neck and he gave me a soft, gentle kiss on my lips.
I loved him so much and it felt like I would explode if I couldn't express it fully. Was this going to be another exploration of our boundaries or could I hope that he had changed his mind and was now ready to give me everything I wanted? Maybe I could give him a little help.
"Edward, what are thinking right now?"
In the most velvet tone I had heard today, Edward whispered, "I may not be able to sleep, but it doesn't stop me from dreaming about the day I can lose myself in the warm, tender shelter of your exquisite body."
Was he trying to send me to an early grave? Hearing words like that coming out of his full, perfect lips was almost more than my poor heart could take. It set off in a sprint and I saw Edward's mouth curve into a wicked smile. Just the thought of sheltering him in my body made me tremble and blush.
I turned my face toward him and he moved his lips up from my neck to my jaw and then found his way to my eager lips. It was the sweetest kiss. His lips were warm from contact with my neck and as excited as I was getting, I suddenly felt calm and relaxed.
"I love you so much, Edward. You make me so happy, I never want this to end."
"And I love you, my dearest Bella. You make me happier than I ever thought possible."
He said some lovely things about how he felt sparks when we touched and how he wanted me whether he deserved me or not. I tried my best to reassure him that I felt the same way about him. Then he kissed me again, thoroughly and thrillingly, and I was left gasping for breath.
It made me sad to think of him wandering the world without me for so long, but amazed that we found each other in tiny Forks. It had to be fate; it had to be destiny. It couldn't be an accident that we met. We were meant to be together for all time.
When we were alone together like this, I had to question my hesitation about getting married. It was the gateway to being with him forever. I didn't know why I was so concerned about what everyone was saying about me getting married so young.
I was already That Girl. I was the girl who had a complete nervous breakdown when her boyfriend dumped her. I was the girl who had already jumped out of a hotel window (jumped/fell, I knew what the gossip mongers were saying). Thank goodness not that many people knew about the cliff diving incident (werewolves, yes, people, no). That pack mentality was as bad about sharing information as were the Cullen family. A family I was dying to be a part of, literally.
What would my special gift be? The ability to constantly attract danger and need to be rescued? Big help that was going to be; I couldn't even contemplate that particular trait being magnified. Perhaps the ability to stand next to Rosalie and not be completely invisible… I wondered if my looks and gracefulness would improve. My current lack of grace could hardly get worse. Could it?
I sighed. Leave it to me, even in this oasis of tranquility, to create a monster, a voracious little stinker that gnawed at my peace of mind like a slightly irregular freckle that could be melanoma.
Then Edward said he had another special place to show me, so after walking on the trail for a minute, he scooped me up in his arms, a place where I always felt safe, and started running off the trail and into the deepest part of the forest. I felt just as exhilarated as he did when the breeze cooled my cheeks. I kept my eyes closed so as not to see the blur of limbs and branches flying by. We stopped and he set me down in a small clearing next to what looked like prehistoric ferns, six feet tall, and ancient, massive Douglas fir trees.
Amidst the stillness of the evergreen forest we could hear the soft murmur of a flock of quail nearby. Edward took off his backpack and spread a blanket on a patch of wild grass thick with blue, yellow and red wildflowers. Just then a bird at the top of a giant redwood tree began trilling a beautiful song. "Do you know what kind of bird that is?" I asked Edward, fairly sure he would.
"It's an evening grosbeak. The males sing almost continuously until they find a mate."
"And then they stop trying to entertain her? Just like a man," I said provocatively.
Edward sat on the blanket and pulled me down to sit in his lap, a carpet of wildflowers spread out around us. It was beautiful, serene, and totally private. Or so we thought. A lone chipmunk climbed to the top of a fallen log about ten feet away from us. He let out a single, high-pitched chirp and then cast an expectant look in my direction.
I remembered the almonds I had stuffed in my front pocket and fished them out. Edward reached over and took one, then expertly tossed it so it landed at the chipmunk's feet. He sniffed at it and then used his two tiny front paws to pick it delicately up and take a bite of it.
"I thought animals were supposed to shy away from you…" I said quizzically.
"Perhaps he hasn't noticed me, if he's as intoxicated by your scent as I am," he said with a crooked smile.
How could I argue with that? "Well, I think he may be more attuned to the scent of almonds than he is to either of us," I suggested, as Edward tossed another almond at the chipmunk, who eagerly stuffed it in his mouth.
It peered at us though the soft filtered light again, as if to say, "OK, I know you have more almonds."
"Lay the almonds in the palm of your hand and hold still; we'll see just how hungry this little guy is," Edward proposed.
I stretched out my hand amidst the wildflowers and it didn't take long for the chipmunk to scamper down from his log and approach my hand. It stopped and looked up into my face, and then cautiously placed a tiny paw on my hand.
I held perfectly still and he picked up an almond and stuffed it into his mouth, where he already had one. His jaws looked full but he picked up still another almond and placed it sideways in his front teeth and then turned and sped off into the darkness of the forest where he disappeared.
"They didn't seem concerned about your presence at all," I marveled to Edward.
"Perhaps this is a magical forest," he murmured into my ear as he started slowly kissing my neck.
His cool lips made my blood start to race. I knew he could feel it too, but he kept his lips pressed against my neck where the throbbing was the strongest. I began to feel light-headed and had to gasp for breath. I dropped the almonds and clutched at his arm as he turned me to face him.
"You're so warm, so soft, so delicate, like one of these wildflowers," he mused.
"Am I in full bloom?" I teased.
"Not quite," he chuckled.
"Well, I think I am; and I'm not going to stay in full bloom forever, you know." I wanted to be plucked right now. The sooner the better… before I got any older.
He sat up and gave me a stern look. "Bella, what do you know about forever? You have barely lived eighteen years."
He wasn't really going to start talking about age with me, was he? There were a couple of different ways I could go with this, but I decided to take the high road. I wouldn't let him upset me now. I took a deep, cleansing breath.
I replied sweetly, "I know I always want to be with you."
He ran his hand through his hair but never took his eyes off me. "Try to imagine yourself at forty. Then sixty. Then eighty."
"Stop. I don't want to see myself getting old. Why are you doing this?" I was beginning to get alarmed.
"I just want you to think about the passage of time. You are so young. Do you even have a concept of forever? Sometimes a year can seem endless… and there are so many things you have not experienced."
I had a fleeting thought of the months when he had been gone and how they had seemed like a lifetime. But I had hardly even been living then. "I don't care. I want to experience everything with you."
"Everything except growing old," he said, his voice sounding low and slightly bitter.
"Yes. I think growing old is highly overrated. The wrinkles, the diseases, the failing eyesight, the hip fractures. Really, Edward, with my luck I wouldn't make it past 21 anyway. You know that's true." He did know it, but I wasn't sure he would own up to it.
"I hate to admit it, but you have a point. I just do not want to see you make this decision without examining every aspect. I am so afraid you will have regrets."
"I have already examined every aspect, Edward, and the only thing I would regret is losing a moment with you. The only time I care about is time when we can be together."
"You are such a romantic," he said kissing my fingertips.
"And you're not," I accused, watching him holding my hand to his lips like someone out of a silent movie.
He couldn't help how attractive he was. I wondered what he had looked like as a human, with green eyes and soft, warm skin. I imagined what he would look like if he blushed. My heart did a flip-flop. Human, blushing Edward would be more than I could take. I felt faint just thinking about him.
I lay back on the blanket and held out my arms to him. He slowly moved toward me on his hands and knees, prowling like the big cat he was, until he was next to me. I sighed.
"I'm not trying to start something, Edward. I just need you to hold me the way you did last night. Please."
He looked willing, but slightly confused. "Fine, Bella, but what do you mean?"
"You're usually so careful, but last night when you were on top of me you let me feel the weight of you, pressing against me. I felt so safe, so secure… so happy." I blushed then, and he seemed to understand.
He moved to place a knee on either side of my legs and then put his hands next to my shoulders as he hovered over me.
"Now put your arms around me," I instructed.
He lowered himself to rest on his elbows and slid his hands behind my back.
"It's difficult for me to know… tell me when…" he mused.
I put one hand on his back and the other around his neck, gently pulling him toward me. He slowly eased himself down until I could feel every part of him resting on me. The hard planes of his body made delicious contact with what few curves I had. I smiled and saw him smiling, too, as I rested my hand on his broad shoulder.
"I agree, Bella, this is wonderful." He leaned down and skimmed his nose along my jaw, inhaling deeply, and then said, "No one ever has or ever will smell as good as you."
I reached up and touched his face gently, wanting him to feel how much I loved him with every movement of my fingertips. I traced along his strong jaw line and then around his full, shapely lips, across his perfect cheekbones and over his closed eyelids. I slid my fingers into his hair and massaged his scalp. This close contact I craved eased my anxiety and made it easier for me to tell him what was on my mind.
"I feel like no one can ever take me away from you when we're like this. I want this so badly, Edward, and sometimes I feel like it will never happen. I don't seem to be able to get close enough to you and it's like this constant ache."
His eyes were smoldering. "I think I can understand that; my body aches for you as well. We just have to be patient for a little while longer. It will be worth it." He seemed to be reminding himself as much as me.
"I think I have a lot to learn about patience," I sighed.
"We both do... but it helps that when I look into your sparkling brown eyes I lose all track of time." His crooked smile appeared, much to my delight.
"When I see you like this, so tiny, fragile, defenseless, and willing… you are so utterly beautiful you astound me. I cannot believe all this loveliness belongs to me," he said, his voice full of wonder.
"Believe it, Edward. I'm all yours." For the taking.
"Mine. Now and forever," he almost growled.
I shivered, wanting nothing more for those words to be true and immutable. "That's all I wish for; you belong to me, too," I affirmed.
I saw his eyes darken as he gazed at my mouth. I ran my tongue over my bottom lip in anticipation. When he spoke, his voice was low and laced with longing.
"This might be a good time to practice… some control. Do you think if I kissed you now we could just… enjoy it without getting… overly excited?"
I knew exactly what he meant. He wanted to know if I could handle myself and not get upset with him when he pulled away. I had to admit he was right to question me about this. I had been behaving abominably, but I couldn't help it that he was so attractive.
"I will try to be good, and I can promise that I won't get mad at you, no matter what. How's that?"
"It sounds too good to be true, but I will take it anyway." Edward lowered his head so his lips were about an inch away from mine. "You are too beautiful for your own good."
When he said things like that the butterflies flew from my stomach up to my throat and I was rendered speechless. Not to mention I was inhaling his sweet breath which always made me lose a little bit of my mind.
He began kissing me slowly and gently at first, but it wasn't long before his lips were moving against mine with more pressure and I felt all the passion and longing we had for each other. He deepened the kiss as his body pressed against mine, sending electric shocks to all my nerve endings. My fingers knotted in his hair as his icy tongue lightly traced the contours of my lips.
"Edward," I gasped, beginning to tremble with the pent up desire I felt for him.
He slid his hands down and underneath the hem of my tee shirt, his cool fingertips coming in contact with the skin on my back and making me shiver and press myself against his chest.
After giving me a moment to breathe, he brought his mouth to mine again and his tongue began to brush my lips, easily parting them as he tortured me with his gentle teasing.
Edward started to draw away and I looked up into his blazing golden eyes. He was about to move his body off of mine but I kept my arms tightly around him.
"Can you stay Edward… please don't move. It's hard to imagine anything feeling better than this."
I couldn't help but long for the time when I could become a part of him and never leave. That would be better, but for now, this was bliss.
Edward leaned forward to kiss the slopes of my breasts exposed by the scoop neckline of my designer tee shirt. I involuntarily arched my back, pressing myself nearer to him. He raised his head.
"You like that?" He sounded genuinely curious.
"I don't think there's a part of my body that wouldn't like you kissing it," I managed to respond, my mind clouded by lust.
"That's good to know, because believe me, I want to put my lips on every part of you," he murmured as he went back to kissing his way across the tender flesh of my chest and back up to my neck.
My heart felt like it would beat out of my chest; he was going to make me faint.
I placed both my hands on his face and gazed into his eyes, willing him to know how much I loved him and wanted him.
"I wish you could know what it feels like when your warm little hands touch my skin… it's indescribable. I have never allowed anyone, vampire or human, to touch me as you do and I never will," he solemnly vowed.
"I know what you mean, Edward. I feel it, too, and I want to give myself to you completely, only you, 'til the end of time."
He cursed so softly I could just barely hear it. "Bella, that is exactly what I want. I want to be the only one who ever makes love to you. I want to possess you and never leave your side."
Then his lips captured mine in a fierce kiss and I could feel all the excitement he could barely contain. He let me feel it and I was so glad some of his reserve was finally slipping.
He let his tongue flit out softly against my lips and I gasped. He slipped his tongue inside my mouth and gently explored. I held still and kept my hands in place on his cheeks, trying hard not to stimulate him any more than he already was. This was fantastic enough and I didn't want it to end abruptly because I lost control. One of his hands slid up my back and came to rest on my neck, holding me firmly to him.
His cool, sweet breath was inside my mouth now and I could taste him; pure, unadulterated Edward. I could never get enough of him if I lived a thousand years. All my senses were overloaded and my heart was racing. He started placing soft kisses on my lips and then my cheeks.
I could feel the vein in my throat throbbing like crazy; evidently so could Edward because he moved his lips down my neck until they covered my pulsating flesh. His lips moved slowly and sensually against my skin and then I felt his cold tongue and I shuddered beneath him, a breathy cry escaping my lips. He moved a little lower and began sucking on the area between my collarbone and shoulder and I couldn't hold still any longer. I began squirming and I pressed myself against him as hard as I could. His hands gently roamed across the skin on my back as he held me tight.
It was a good thing I was lying flat on my back because my knees had turned to liquid and there was no way I would have been able to remain standing. I was a little dizzy but nothing had ever felt this good. I loved the sensation of him on top of me, so strong and powerful, and I couldn't help but respond. There was no doubt he was all man and he made me more aware that I was a woman than I had ever been before.
Where did he learn how to do this? How did he get so good at it? He was supposed to be as inexperienced as I was, and yet his every touch was so perfect, making me feel the beginning of an ecstasy I had never known. I felt like I was burning up inside for him.
My mind wandered to Denali and that inhumanly beautiful strawberry blonde who had tempted him in ways that no other man had ever resisted. Supposedly he had never even kissed her, but I had to wonder. If he hadn't found her alluring charms attractive, what did I have that she didn't?
Blood flowing in my veins was the only answer I could come up with. He wanted someone warm and soft pressed against his perfect, cold body.
He began kissing his way across my collarbone and then down my chest; he paused and gently rested his head over my heart, listening to it beat wildly. I was panting and my chest was moving up and down rapidly.
"That is the most beautiful sound in the world to me," he whispered, just loud enough so I could hear him.
I put my hand in his bronze locks and marveled at how soft and silky they felt. He sighed in contentment. Edward had been able to go much further this time without having to abruptly pull away. We were making progress and it gave me hope for the future.
When my heart calmed down to a normal rate he lifted his head and moved back up to nuzzle my neck. He inhaled deeply and then started to mumble something about how good I smelled. His words were vibrating softly against my skin and I could feel goose bumps forming on my arms and legs.
"You are a dream come true for me, Bella, a dream I never even had the courage to dream. I still feel like I don't deserve you, but I love you too much to ever let you go now," he breathed softly.
I felt my heart swell at hearing those words. I blushed and protested, "We were created for each other, Edward. You must believe that."
He kissed my forehead, my temple and then my cheek. "The way your face turns such a delicious shade of pink should be illegal; you are such a temptation," he said before he buried his face in my neck again.
I realized he'd just listed all my human qualities… my blush, my heartbeat, my warmth, my scent, my brown eyes. I was right. These were the things that attracted him to me. These were the things he loved about me. These were the things that were going to disappear when I became a vampire. I suddenly felt ill.
The idea of making love to him now seemed like a distant, half-remembered algebraic formula. If we made love while I was still human it would always be something he would remember and be able to compare. He seemed to like it that I was soft, and fragile and weak. Clearly, me in my human state was what he craved. If he wanted this so much, how was he able to resist?
How would he feel about me when I was cold, hard and strong? He would never see me blush again, never hear my heartbeat again. How disappointed would he be when I no longer had those qualities that drew him to me? Would he leave me then? I vaguely wondered if he would run away, screaming.
I wouldn't survive that. Of course I would already be dead by then. He couldn't kill me twice, could he? There had to be more to our relationship than some cursed, aromatic red liquid. Why did my pitiful, insignificant little life have to be so complicated? What was it about me that attracted beautiful mythological creatures? I was so ordinary it was scary, much scarier than they were.
Edward's POV
Having just told my Bella she was a temptation, I had to admit this was pure bliss. Holding Bella, kissing her, and at her invitation. To know she wanted this, she wanted me, frightening creature that I was, thrilled me beyond words. When she held out her arms to me and explained how she longed to feel my body pressed against hers, I could not refuse her.
We were of a single mind about this. I wanted exactly what she wanted; and then to feel her lovely, delicate, body respond with shudders and quivering underneath mine, almost sent me over the edge. Her full lips were too enticing and I went further than usual, which she clearly enjoyed. She was being so good though, maintaining more control than she had before.
By her pleasurable but relaxed acceptance of my kisses I was able to push our boundaries a bit, with no adverse consequences. Tasting her sweetness and warmth was exquisite beyond imagining. Her throbbing pulse had almost been my undoing, but I managed to channel my desire for her blood into desire for her body, a need I knew was going to be fulfilled before very long.
I had to stop to let her catch her breath, and when I looked down at her red, swollen lips I knew we had reached the point where I had to stop before I inflicted true damage. I had given into sweet temptation when I moved down her neck to the top of her beautiful breasts, which I could not resist tasting with my cold lips. Ambrosia. She had risen to press herself against me then, and I was surprised by that reaction. When she assured me she wanted to feel my lips all over her I wanted nothing more than to oblige her desire, but knew this wasn't the moment. How could I not look forward to a future spent loving her?
She had me totally bewitched. I tried to let her know how delighted I was by all of her charms, and how much I adored every part of her. My beautiful Bella; and she assured me she was all mine. I wished I could believe her, but I still felt she was holding a bit of herself back. I wasn't sure what that meant, but I could not ignore it forever.
I sighed. If I wanted her to tell me the whole truth I would have to give her the opportunity. I slowly slid my hands away from her supple back and moved away from her, leaning back on my elbows next to where she lay. I watched her lying there, so still, with her eyes closed.
"If I am going to be completely honest with you, Bella, there is something else I should tell you. If you are going to be with me forever, I don't want to share you. I want you to belong to me and only me."
Bella's POV
I opened my eyes and looked up at him, watching me. "I do, Edward, you must know that by now. I belong to only you," I said as sincerely as I could, turning to lie on my side, propping my head on my arm.
"Can you give me all of your heart?" He sounded doubtful and it broke my heart to think that he thought he still had a rival.
I knew what he was getting at. Jacob. But Jake was part of my past, not my future. I had accepted that, and although I would miss my friend, I had made my choice. I guess I had given Edward reason to be wary, but I was willing to marry him, I was giving myself to him forever, wasn't that enough to convince him?
"Yes, Edward. You already have all of my heart. I wish you could hear my thoughts so you would know for sure, but you just have to believe me."
"I want you to be happy, Bella." He didn't sound happy.
"I am happy. You make me happier than I have ever been."
He still looked doubtful and didn't reply. Unfortunately, there was still a part of me that was riddled with insecurity. We had been talking more frankly than ever, though, and after the way he had opened up to me at the top of the mountain I felt like this might be the right time to approach a delicate subject.
With his very passionate kisses fresh on my lips, the way he had just cataloged what he considered to be my charms was weighing heavily on my clouded mind. I sat up and crossed my legs.
"Sometimes I get the feeling that you just want to keep me human because I'm a novelty, and if I lost my warmth you'd lose interest in me." As soon as the words had left my mouth I knew I had made a mistake. I wanted to bite my tongue but then thought that might not be such a good idea.
AN: If you didn't take my advice and open that review window already, do it now, please. It really helps to hear what you like and don't like. I want to thank my beta, not done baking, for her endless patience and skill. Ranma15177 is also offering her insight and wisdom to help shape and refine this tale from Chapter 18 on. I'm very lucky and grateful to have help like this, so cheerful given.
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