AN: If you usually skip these, you'll want to read this one, even though it's long. Like Stephenie, who dreamed the meadow scene and wrote Twilight around it, this is the chapter I dreamed, last September, that inspired this story. I started writing it then, and by the time I put it online, Feb.7, 2008, I had already written over two-thirds of the whole story.

Edward and Bella go through a lot to be together. They both make mistakes and deal with the consequences. One of the first things Bella tells Edward is that she's good at repressing unpleasant things; but what does all that repression do? In my story, it builds resentment. She forgave him so easily when he came back in New Moon, and I totally understand that (I would have, too). However, she was wounded so badly that there must be other feelings there, feelings that have to come out at some point; she is only human. I also think that her insecurities may be masking resentment that she has never expressed.

Edward too has always found it difficult to believe that she can love a monster like him. He knows she experimented with Jacob, and even though it was with his permission, with his basic insecurity, I find it plausible that he would also harbor some resentment.

I am aiming for originality in this story, and I'm very interested to see your response to this chapter. For those of you who want less thinking and more action, your time has arrived. I almost titled this chapter "Playing With Fire," but went instead with the title of one of my favorite songs by The Decemberists.

Chapter 22: We Both Go Down Together

With his very passionate kisses fresh on my lips, the way he had just cataloged what he considered to be my charms was weighing heavily on my clouded mind. I sat up and crossed my legs.

"Sometimes I get the feeling that you just want to keep me human because I'm a novelty, and if I lost my warmth you'd lose interest in me." As soon as the words had left my mouth I knew I had made a mistake. I wanted to bite my tongue but then thought that might not be such a good idea.

"Bella, how can you say that?" He sounded wounded and genuinely surprised. "I thought you understood me better than that." He sighed heavily.

"Well, I won't blush anymore, and you can't deny you find that attractive."

"Yes, your blush will fade, but the quality inside you that produces that blush, your sensitivity, will not change. That is what I fell in love with; the essence of you, your heart, your soul. There is nothing that could change about you that would affect the way I love you. Even if you stopped loving me, I would always love you. That's the way I am," he said simply.

It was just like him to have a ready answer, but I was so upset I could hardly process the words. The idea that he would reject me when I was no longer human had taken hold. He couldn't possibly say he was looking forward to gazing into my blood red eyes for the next year. Even I wouldn't believe that. I was never going to be able to dazzle him the way he did me. It was all so frustrating.

"It just seems like you enjoy all my human qualities so much you don't want me to ever change," I objected.

"As fragile as you are, it's still in your best interest to stay human. Believe me, I can't recommend you rush into the alternative," he said gently.

"Well that's an option I would like to explore," I asserted.

"It's not an exploration," he exploded, running his hand through his hair, making it look wilder than ever. "This is precisely why I don't think you understand what you're getting yourself into. If you did, you could not talk about exploring your options. It's not someplace you can wander in and out of at will. You cannot go halfway and then change your mind, and there's no going back. Ever," he stated harshly.

His words frightened me. I was beginning to doubt that he was ever going to change me, even though he had promised. We had a deal, and I was keeping up my end of it; I was going to marry him. He knew what he had to do yet he still seemed so reluctant to even talk about it. I was getting more irritated by the moment.

Stung, I lashed out, "I just hope you don't wait until it's too late. What if I'm in an accident and die before you decide I'm able to make an informed decision?"

"Bella!" he thundered, "don't say that. Don't ever say that," he paused for a moment, trying to regain some calm. "What can I do to get out of this conversation?" he asked, exasperated.

"Have it," I spat out the words. His unwillingness to discuss this was apparent to me and it just fueled my fury.

Strain still apparent in his voice he said, "I don't know what your problem is, but my problem is you." He closed his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose.

"Why don't you just tell me another lie? You're good at making me believe them," I hissed.

His head snapped up and at first he looked shocked and then infuriated. The whole line of his body appeared to morph into sharp, defined angles. His jaw clenched and his mouth was set in a grim line.

I waited for him to speak, but he just glared at me. I was irrationally angry now. "I know. You're bigger than me, you're stronger than me, you're older than me. So all that means you know better than me," I said, hearing the harsh tone in my voice but just getting started. I felt everything I had been holding back about to pour out.

"Have you forgotten that I figured out your secret before you told me? That I noticed how your eyes change color when you're hungry? That I can read your mind better than you can read mine?" That last one had to smart, but I had to find a way to reach him.

He imperiously raised an eyebrow but remained silent, just watching my face.

I didn't know where all this anger was coming from, but I felt it welling up within me and I couldn't stop it from spilling out.

"I have never taken you into the woods and left you all alone. Disappeared without even looking back. Left you wounded and heartbroken, with no one to turn to. You also took Alice when you left, you know." I thought I had forgiven him, but I felt this resentment gushing out of me.

His topaz eyes were flickering with a mixture of emotions I couldn't identify, but it didn't look good.

I took a deep breath and then continued, "I have never left you." I felt tears welling up in my eyes. "And with the way things are going, it won't even be my choice when I do go."

He winced and then said quietly, "You took the hit that day, but I was the one who was knocked out."

"That's debatable," I snapped.

"Being here with you like this has made me realize some things, Bella. The day I took you into the woods and lied to you," he paused and took a deep breath. "I know now that I made that mistake because I had never been in love before. I had so little experience. I was so confused, and wanted to do the right thing. I just did not know that my leaving you would be so devastating, to both of us. I mistakenly thought I was protecting you when in reality I was destroying you. I cannot believe your love survived my stupidity."

Hearing those words made hot tears spill out of my eyes and run down my cheeks. I knew it must be true. He had never been in love before and neither had I. He had been alone for so long, never knowing any warmth, never knowing a loving touch; a passionate kiss. Never having the comfort of someone to love and hold in his arms to make his endless nights bearable. It hurt me so much to think of him like that.

We had both made stupid mistakes but now I was afraid he was changing his mind about wanting me to be with him forever. He had admitted his previous mistake but was he going to make another one? I couldn't let that happen.

"But I never stopped loving you and I forgave you. I have chosen to be with you. It's my choice. You - are - my - life. What will it take to convince you?" I was wailing now, tears running down my cheeks.

He moved so quickly I didn't see it but in the space of a heartbeat I suddenly found myself against his chest, his arms circled around me. He was kissing the top of my head and quietly said, "Please don't cry. I believe you. It's just that I want to spare you from any kind of pain and loss, and I'm still finding it difficult to reconcile what you want and what's good for you."

He was so soothing; I slowly stopped crying and dried my eyes.

My guilt for what I had already put him through was kicking in, and I sighed and said, "Oh Edward, my fundamental character flaws are so deeply embedded in my consciousness, it actually feels as if they're entwined with the strands of my DNA. I'm just bad for people. I don't mean to be, but I can't help myself. I make your life more difficult and I've ruined Jacob's life--" I stopped abruptly, wondering if I would ever learn to keep some of my thoughts to myself.

I felt his arms drop as he released me from his hold.

"Very thoughtful of you, Bella, to remind me of the dog," he said bitterly. "Jacob knew of our commitment to each other, but he disrespected that and without unnecessarily flattering you, I understood it. I can still understand it, but you betrayed me for Jacob. An incredible choice! And I thought I was the one who was heartless," he said, shaking his head and moving away from me.

It shook me to hear Edward's resentment surfacing. He was always so patient and understanding with me. This was turning into my worst nightmare. I had to stop this before it got completely out of control.

"I am not heartless; if anything, just the opposite. I didn't really choose Jacob; I was just very confused and I momentarily lost my mind. I was so stressed; there was a war going on you know!" I cried.

"The war was being fought to save your life; it's a bit insensitive of you to complain about that now," he almost snarled.

"I'm not complaining, exactly. Anyway, I thought you wanted me to choose Jacob and have a long, human life," I pointed out. "That's what you said," I accused.

"You are not fighting fair. It's very rude of you to throw that back in my face. I know I said it was one possible outcome for you, and I thought that's what might be best for you. However, it would have been almost impossible for me to bear, and it was very painful to see you even contemplate that choice," he confessed.

"I was astounded by your behavior, Bella. After telling me you wanted to be with me forever, accepting my proposal, making me happier than I had ever been. I was finally sure of your love and you all but destroyed that within hours – I couldn't believe you went so far with him. You had almost convinced me to be intimate with you. You all but begged me to make love to you, and the very next day you're all over that hormonal mutt!"

His words were very hard for me to hear. He was always so careful with me. He had never spoken so spontaneously and honestly before. It absolutely shattered me to hear how I had at last convinced him of my love and then turned around and kissed Jacob with such abandon that he knew I loved him, too.

I knew he was right. I had felt horribly guilty at the time but I couldn't stop myself. I knew then I was hurting Jake and Edward but I just couldn't help it. Now I felt that I had to be just as honest with him as he was being with me, and finally shoulder some responsibility for my actions.

"It really was all my fault. You shouldn't blame Jake. He didn't know what he was doing," I protested.

"He always knew what he was doing," he roared. "I could hear his thoughts, remember?" he tapped his forehead and glowered at me.

I cringed slightly but I had to grudgingly admit he did have the advantage over me there. I wasn't sure I really wanted to know and I certainly wasn't sure he was going to tell me, but I had to ask anyway. "What was he thinking?"

"I'm sorry, Bella, I shouldn't have said anything. I promised myself I would not discuss this with you, because I know you consider him to be your best friend and I am somewhat biased in my feelings about him," he said quietly, breathing deeply in an effort to calm himself.

I could tell he was already regretting letting me know how badly he had been hurt. I didn't want to stop now, though. As painful as this was, we had to make something good out of it. We had to get to the bottom of it once and for all.

"I want to know, Edward, just tell me now, please. What was he thinking?" If Edward had that much of a reaction to my defense of Jacob there must be something there I needed to know.

I looked into his eyes, silently pleading with him to trust me and tell me the truth. He took my hands in his and held them for a moment before he began speaking.

"Please forgive me for telling you this; you are not going to be happy to hear it. I would not repeat most of it to someone I respected, but let's just say his every move was calculated to get you where he wanted you."

"Are you sure? I mean, maybe…" I tried to object but he cut me off.

"Bella, he might have seemed spontaneous but it was all an act… and he would think about the things he wanted to do to you while you were increasingly unclothed and defenseless. I thought I was selfish but he could give me lessons. He was literally like a dog with a bone. All his talk about saving your life came a distant second to his baser instincts, and he thought a physical relationship was the key to winning you," he said bitterly. "It was very much a competition to him."

I began to protest, not my Jacob, but Edward wouldn't even let me get started.

"Bella, please try to be realistic. If his signature line was 'does my being half naked bother you?'... what do you think was on his mind? Didn't you ever wonder why I stopped objecting to your spending time with him?"

I could only bite my lip and shake my head, still reeling from his version of Jacob.

"He replayed your first kiss in his head, in an attempt to rub it in my face. It backfired on him at the time, but I was the one who paid a high price in the end. I saw all the enjoyment he got out of it, but I could also see how you were doing your best to fight him off, and how you had to become completely unresponsive before he stopped. That's when it occurred to me that perhaps more time spent with him was the only way your eyes would be opened to what he was really like," he finished sadly.

I remembered that kiss, and how Jacob had made me feel mean and greedy right before he kissed me. I also recalled his smile of satisfaction and then the pain in my hand when I punched him, and how his first response was to taunt me by saying, "No, Bella, you broke your hand." He discounted my feelings and he did try to twist my words when he was driving me back to Charlie's. Why hadn't I paid more attention to that at the time? What had I been thinking?

"You were the one who didn't know what she was doing," he said gently. "You are so sweet and innocent, you walked into every trap he deliberately set. He played on your emotions and manipulated each situation to his advantage. You only want to see the good in people, and he counted on that and used it against you. If you could have heard the gloating in his thoughts, it never would have gone as far as it did, and he bragged about it to the whole pack," he finished disgustedly.

I could tell that had hurt Edward so badly my heart started racing. To think the only girl he had ever loved had let herself be so easily swayed by his mortal enemy must be the worst kind of torture, and his masculine pride had suffered, too. I had wounded Edward to his core and he had tried his best to hide it. I wondered if it was possible for me to feel worse about myself. I sat there numbly while Edward rubbed his thumb across my hand.

I couldn't think of anything to say in response because I slowly realized he was right. I had only wanted to be Jacob's friend, but he had pushed and pushed until I gave in; I hadn't initiated any of it. I thought about that day on the mountaintop in the snow, when he had said he was sorry he had made things so difficult for me… and then turned around and threatened suicide to get me to kiss him again. That was low, but I had fallen for it. He had known what he was doing. I had reached a new pinnacle of stupidity. I watched as Edward's expression softened.

He continued, his tone low and intense. "I have always been secretly afraid you would leave me one day. I was willing to let you go to him, but I would never have really left you. I can never completely leave you again. I would have kept out of sight, but I always would have been on the fringe, in the forest, watching out for you, making sure you were safe," he admitted.

"Edward, that's like torturing yourself! Masochistic lion! That wouldn't be a clean break," I pointed out, inadvertently using the same terrible words he had used that day in the woods.

"Cutting the tension with cruelty. How very kind of you," he said, sarcasm dripping from his velvet voice.

"It's true," I said softly.

"I know; that's what makes it hurt so much. Now you're torturing me. The lamb has grown teeth, and sharp ones at that. I didn't think you could be so uncaring, and there's no such thing as a clean break for the two of us. I see that now, but that mistake is what changed my mind. It doesn't matter what you do or what you say. I know now that I can never be very far away from you, whether that's what you want or not. I would rather get a glimpse of you from afar than never see you again," he assured me, looking deep into my eyes. "You are still my brand of heroin and I will be addicted to you forever."

I could tell he meant what he said. No matter how horrible I was he would always forgive me and love me anyway. I could feel the flush spreading across my face. "I'm so sorry for all the pain I've caused you, Edward. I love you more than anyone and I'm so grateful for your love," I said, ashamed of myself for even considering a life with Jacob and thinking of Edward willing to spend his whole life in the shadows just to make sure I was safe.

I suddenly wanted to protect him. I threw myself at him, clasping my arms around his neck and pressing myself against his chest as hard as I could. He immediately put his arms around me and held me tight, stoking my hair.

At his gentle touch the guilt came rushing at me full speed, and I remembered how much pain I had caused him the day I said goodbye to Jacob and then sobbed uncontrollably, with Edward holding me together and making sure I got back to Charlie's safely.

I had cried all night, with Edward holding me, getting his shirt soaked with my tears. How could I have made him suffer like that? I was the monster. He had never said a word of reproach then; he had been more gentle and understanding than I deserved.

"It was certainly good to hear all the horrible things you just said about me. I haven't heard them since I left La Push," I said with a note of satisfaction in my voice and the echoes of 'leech lover' resounding in my memory. I felt an odd sense of relief spreading through my body.

He groaned but he didn't stop kissing my neck, and rubbing circles on my back with his cool fingertips.

It's amazing how a few insults can bring people together in just minutes. I felt calmer, and said brightly, "Wow, that was our first real fight."

"Excuse me if I'm confused, but how can you seem so happy about that?" he asked with bewilderment in his voice.

"Because I am happy about it," I said confidently. He pulled away to gaze down at my face in disbelief.

"No, I mean it, Edward. It makes you more human to have an honest discussion with me. It makes me feel less fragile, like you believe I'm strong enough to withstand some straight talk. I feel stronger, because I feel like you trust me. Whether it's conscious or unconscious on your part, it doesn't matter. The outcome is the same. You're starting to treat me like an equal, and of course I'm happy about that," I said with a big smile.

"I can't believe you're happy about us yelling at each other. That's something I have always tried to avoid. You will never stop surprising me." He shook his head and continued to gaze into my eyes lovingly.

After a moment he said, "I love to see you happy, but this combat with you takes a lot out of me. Do you think we can avoid fighting in the future?"

"If we're both honest with each other. I know it's hard, and I don't want to hurt you, but it's better if we tell the truth and just deal with it. We can handle it, together."

"I am sorry if I said anything that hurt your feelings. I never want to do that," he said, his voice soft and repentant. He kissed my fingertips, sending a thrill from my hand to my heart.

"It's okay. I said some things, too. It happens… but I have to apologize for something else, as well. All this has made me think about that day," I paused. "About the night I cried so much."

"I remember," he said quietly. It wasn't that long ago; of course he remembered. He would probably like to forget it though, and here I was, bringing it up again. I just felt like we were making so much progress, I had to get this out of my system.

"I should have sent you away, but I needed you so badly. I knew I wanted to spend forever with you, but it was so hard to say goodbye to my old friend. I hate that you had to go through that, too."

I was trying to explain without saying something that would make things worse. I wasn't sure how far I could go with this without creating a bigger problem.

He nodded, his topaz eyes warm with empathy and forgiveness. "I wouldn't have left you that night, no matter what you said. I think I know what Jacob meant to you, but you went home with me. I just wanted to hold you until the pain eased," he explained.

"I know who I can't live without, Edward. As painful as that time was, if it had been you who said goodbye to me I would not have survived the night," I said simply.

"That's not possible," he said quickly, taking my face in his hands. "You are my life. You are my soul," he said, echoing the words he had spoken the morning after that tear-filled night. He slowly kissed me, and we held each other, savoring the moment.

I was almost crying again, but this time from an overwhelming feeling of happiness. He smiled and said, "You know, I have a souvenir of that night, so I will never forget it."

"What?" I asked incredulously.

"My shirt; it's soaked with your tears; your essence clings to it. I keep it in a special place in my bedroom, and when I am there without you, I can hold it and feel close to you," he said shyly.

I reached up and caressed his cheek, then slid my hand around the back of his neck and pulled his face down to mine. I gave him another sweet kiss, feeling the love we had for each other enveloping us. When we broke apart I gazed into the depths of his beautiful topaz eyes.

"Soon I'll be with you all the time and I can't wait," I said with excitement. "I'm so glad we've been able to talk about these things, Edward. You have to tell me what you're feeling, otherwise I just think you don't really want me after all."

His voice was husky when he replied, "I will always want you, Bella, and I do believe we were meant to be together. Your scent, your eyes, your lips, your mind. Sometimes I wonder at the incredible way things swirl in chaos around you, but there's always some clue within, just waiting to be discovered. It seems like I'm always finding new things about you -- you are endlessly fascinating to me, Bella."

"I feel the same way about you, Edward." The words were barely off my tongue before his lips were on mine. This kiss was deeper, more exciting than ever and I felt the blood rushing through my veins double time.

His scent was so intoxicating I soon began to feel faint and he loosened his hold on me, whispering, "I will be so happy when we are man and wife."

It took a few moments and a few deep breaths for my head to clear. When it did, the first thing I thought of was everyone in Forks talking about our upcoming wedding plans. It was nobody's business but my own, and I hated being the center of attention. It drove me crazy.

"I just hate to be gossiped about—" I began.

"Getting married is not a horrible topic for gossip," Edward objected.

"Getting married so young," I reminded him. "That's different."

"I still don't see the problem," he persisted.

"They will probably say I had to get married so young because I was pregnant," I knew this was partially what was bothering Renee. She had a horror of me being a young mother the way she was. I could hardly explain to her why this was not going to happen.

Edward raised his eyebrows but merely said, "We both know that's not the case."

"Yes, we know it, but that won't stop them from speculating, and when I don't produce a baby they'll just guess I had a miscarriage," I concluded bitterly. Since the timing of my transformation was still not set in stone, everything was up for conjecture.

"I hadn't thought of that," Edward said, considering this new information.

Good, I thought. Maybe he will begin to see why I was so bothered.

"Are you sure you don't want to have children?" he asked, looking directly into my eyes.

I groaned in frustration. "Of course I'm sure. Please stop asking me that. In case you haven't noticed, I don't seem to have a strong maternal instinct. Besides, I feel like I've already raised one child, Renee, and I'm not so sure I did such a great job with her. I'm also not desperate for a pet," I added, just in case he might start questioning me about that.

"Then I still don't understand why you care what people say. Have you thought about the alternative? What they would say if you just moved in with me? At your age?"

He caught me off guard. I hadn't thought about that. I took a deep breath and considered it. "Lots of people live together before they get married. That's normal," I finally responded.

"Sure they do, after college. Do you want to wait 'til then?" He asked, seemingly serious.

"You've got to be kidding." I was shocked. "Can you wait that long?" I challenged.

"I am a very patient man." His face was like a mask, giving me no clue as to his real feelings.

"Well I'm not a very patient man," I retorted, beginning to get exasperated.

"Do you want to be with me all the time?" Edward asked me thoughtfully.

"Yes, you know I do," I freely admitted.

"People who are in love and want to be to be together all the time, for all time, get married. They want to announce it to the world. They want to shout it from the rooftops. They want everyone to know," he concluded.

"Do you want to do that?" I asked, surprised.

"Yes. Yes I do. I would be happy to put up a billboard right next to the 'Welcome to Forks' sign that says 'I love Bella Swan and she is my wife.' And I am not ashamed of it," he stated matter-of-factly.

I was almost about to laugh about the billboard until he added the part about not being ashamed. "Oh Edward, I'm not ashamed of loving you, please don't think that," I cried, afraid I had hurt his feelings with my fuming about marriage.

He cocked his head to the side and continued to just look at me.

"Please say something," I begged.

"Bella, if you could hear what people are thinking you'd know you have nothing to worry about," he said calmly.

"Why? What are they thinking about?" I was curious now, and relieved that he didn't seem upset with me.

"About 98 percent of the time people are thinking about themselves, and even when they are thinking of others, it usually somehow relates to their personal situation," he explained.

"Oh," was my brilliant response.

"Take Mike Newton for example. I could have gladly killed him several times over for thoughts he has harbored about you," he said cheerfully.

"Edward, Mike means less than nothing to me," I hastily exclaimed, thinking what a bad friend I was to poor Mike.

"I know. That doesn't stop him from thinking these things when he sees you. However, you might be interested to know that when he thinks about us being together he envies me," Edward said with a great deal of satisfaction.

I digested this information but made no comment.

"And Tyler. He should consider himself lucky to still be among the living," he paused as my eyes had involuntarily widened, "but he doesn't think any less of you because you're with me. He's just sorry he never got a shot at you," he concluded.

I must have been looking skeptical because he added, "I mean it; I am not kidding."

Then he continued, "While I would like to put up that billboard, I couldn't possibly, because that would attract too much attention, and you know that's something we can't afford. Just like we can't afford to have the town gossiping about the police chief's daughter living in sin with the good doctor's son."

I opened my mouth to speak and then closed it again, still pondering that last statement.

"Having the town gossip about our wedding does no damage to anyone's reputation. A wedding is an acceptable, traditional, respectable ceremony, and no matter how much it's discussed, it's all good. The same cannot be said for living together, can it?"

"That's kind of an old fashioned attitude, Edward," was all I managed to meekly reply.

"The world is more old fashioned than you think, my sweet," he said gently. "And I guess I am guilty of that, too. I want us to be married. I want to be your husband, Bella. I want to love, honor, and cherish you, everyday of forever."

I couldn't help but melt inside when he said something like that. "That's sounding pretty good to me, too," I had to admit.

He beamed as he said, "I am very glad to hear that. Plus, there is Carlisle to consider. As his son, I can't do anything that would reflect badly on him."

"I understand that. I don't want to do anything like that either," I affirmed. "But how would it look if people found out you spend every night in my room?"

"That's just one of many things about me that no one can ever find out about; it's a bit minor in the overall scheme of things, don't you think?"

"Yes, I see your point."

"So do you have a better understanding of why we are getting married?"

"I guess so," I said, but I don't think I sounded convinced.

I was already sitting in Edward's lap and he wrapped his arms around me even tighter. He brought his mouth close to my ear and I could feel his frosty breath as he whispered, "Just so you understand completely, we're getting married because I can't stand to be away from you any longer or to think of something taking you away from me, because I love you that much."

I leaned my head back so I could look into his eyes. They were a warm, liquid topaz, brimming with the light of love, just for me.

"When you put it like that, how could a girl have any objections?" I asked rhetorically.

"Do you have any objections? He persisted.

"Not anymore," I confirmed.

I put my arm around his neck and pulled his face closer until his perfect lips met mine in a moment of sweet surrender. We were lost in our own world of pleasure for a few minutes and when he pulled back slightly I sighed with contentment.

Thinking back to Edward's proposed billboard declaration I felt I just had to say, "I would happily put up a billboard saying I love you, too, Edward. I just wasn't brought up to connect love with marriage."

He kissed me then, swiftly and completely. He really seemed to like this billboard concept. The whole idea of us communicating with billboards in Forks made me smile.

When I could breathe again I said, "Thanks, that was really nice."

"There's a lot more where that came from, as you will discover when we add a wedding ring to this finger," he said, holding up my left hand and pressing it to his lips, still warm from the prolonged contact with mine.

I knew in that moment that I could completely trust him; I could place my life and heart in his hands forever. I finally felt all my doubts slip away.

"I can't wait," I gulped, thinking how strange it was to say that and really mean it.

Edward's face lit up like the sun was shining on him. He was so beautiful it almost made my heart stop. "You mean it. You really do want to marry me," he cried, his wide smile almost blinding me. He immediately leaned toward me and skimmed his nose along my jaw line, barely touched my earlobe, and continued down my neck, inhaling deeply until he placed a kiss gently, reverently, on the pulse throbbing at the base of my throat.

"Yes, I do," I confirmed easily, returning his smile.

Those words seemed to unlock something within Edward. He gazed at me with so much love in his eyes it was almost overwhelming. His hand reached up and he knotted his fingers in my hair, pulling my face closer to him. I could feel the electricity buzzing between us immediately. I felt a shiver of sweet anticipation. "You are mine," he breathed right before he captured my lips in a passionate kiss.

It started out soft and slow, and then his lips moved hungrily against mine and his icy tongue made a sensual sweep across my bottom lip. I parted my lips and he slipped his tongue into my warm mouth. The taste of him inside me was pure joy. He stroked my tongue with his own, as if he wanted to drink me up and I gladly let him.

Unable to be still, I ran my hands all over him, feeling the firm muscles in his shoulders and back. Edward responded by deepening the kiss and pressing me onto my back against the blanket while his cool fingers slipped under my blouse and gently caressed my side, leaving a trail of fire everywhere he touched. I melted into him.

This kiss was different, real and intense, even better than the ones a little while ago. The usual hesitation and conflict that marked his physical contact with me seemed to have vanished. I didn't know how he was doing it but he made me feel all of his desire for me; he made me feel as if he wanted me and would do anything to have me. He was pouring all of his adoration and devotion for me into this kiss. I clung to him, my heart going wild.

His body pressed against mine and sent electrical shocks through all my nerve endings. I felt so alive. I knotted my fingers in his silky bronze hair, wanting this moment to last forever. I was breathless and weak with pleasure when he finally moved his lips away from mine.

Edward was breathing heavily as he said, "That is only a fraction of what I feel for you, Bella. I still have to hold back, but when we are married, there will be no holding back, ever."

I was still too stunned to reply and he put his arms around me and rolled onto his back, settling me on top of him. I relaxed happily on his chest, listening as he matched his breathing to mine. If that was him holding back I had a lot to look forward to in the future. We lay like that until I almost fell asleep.

I felt Edward's hands rubbing my back and I roused myself out of the trance-like state of bliss his kisses had put me in. "You are amazing, Edward. You've never kissed me like that before."

He sat up and adjusted me in his lap, his arms circling around me.

"I've never been so sure you loved me before," he replied, unable to disguise his happiness.

"What? What did I do…?"

"When you said you couldn't wait to be married, I could tell you had finally decided you wanted me the same way I wanted you. That you could make the same commitment I want to make to you. Our wedding wasn't just going to happen because of some bargain we struck. The fear was gone."

"Yes, I did let go of all my doubts; I suddenly knew it was the right thing for us."

"You have no idea how happy that makes me. I thought you were never going to overcome your mother's absurd brainwashing against matrimony."

I smiled. He was right about Renee's opinion of marriage. "She does hold strong views, and she isn't shy about sharing them," I acknowledged.

"For all your mother's attitude against marriage, it didn't stop her from marrying Phil."

"Yes, but she's not 18. I think her early marriage to Charlie is a big part of her thinking," I explained.

"I don't know what went wrong with that marriage, but I do know we are not your parents, and not everyone who gets married at 18 gets a divorce," he said firmly. "And you might be interested to know that divorce is not in my vocabulary. When you marry me it will be forever."

I gave that as much thought as I could while he trailed kisses down my neck.

Then he sighed. "I do not want to criticize your mother Bella, but I wish she had spent less time frightening you about marriage and a little more time working on your self esteem."

"What?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"Well, you seem to be craving honesty today, so I am willing to oblige. You are beautiful, intelligent, kind and brave. You have all the qualities anyone would be proud to have, but you don't see yourself that way. You don't want to ever draw any attention to yourself. You are too nice; you let others take advantage of you. Alice and Rosalie immediately spring to mind, among others."

I thought I knew who the others were. I gulped. I had asked for honesty. I didn't like the spotlight; that was true, but I wasn't too nice; I was just nice. What was wrong with that?

"Bella?" His voice was full of concern.

"Yes?"

"Have I hurt your feelings? That was never my intention."

"No, it's not that. It's just that I don't see myself the way you see me."

"Do you put the happiness of others before your own?"

He knew me too well. "It makes me happy to make others happy."

"Even when you sacrifice your own happiness?"

"Sometimes," I acknowledged.

"That does not make sense, Bella."

I knew he was right, but I couldn't help the way I was. So I remained silent.

"Bella, can you try to put your own happiness first, just for an experiment?"

"What sort of experiment?"

"The next time someone wants you to do something that you do not really want to do, just say no, even if it is me. Can you try that?"

It was painful to even think about doing that. "I don't know, Edward, that sort of goes against who I am. It really does make me happy to make other people happy."

"I am not trying to change you, I just think you could be a bit more selfish. Sometimes it can be a good thing."

"I see what you mean. I'll try to put myself first, but then I'll probably feel very guilty about it afterwards and have to do something to make up for it."

He laughed. "Yes, you probably will." He held me tight against him and brought his lips close to mine, whispering, "You are an angel, too good for this world." His sweet breath blew into my open mouth and I gasped, wanting to drink in every bit of him. Then his lips met mine in the sweetest kiss, making me tingle from head to toe.

When he released me I rested my head against his shoulder, needing a moment to recover. "It's so good to be able to talk to you about all this stuff," I finally managed to say.

"Likewise," he said, "especially since yours is the one mind I can't read."

'That's kind of a good thing,' I thought to myself, but I said, "Well I can't read your mind either, and I would bet there's a lot more going on in there than you ever tell me about."

The crooked smile appeared along with a twinkle in his eye, but he just said, "Can you tell what I'm thinking now?" He leaned in closer, looking deep into my eyes.

I blushed, thinking I knew exactly what was on his mind. Then his lips touched mine and I ignited, a jolt of electricity running between us. My heart was pounding and my pulse raced. He was kissing me for real now, and I returned the favor.

When I came up for air he said, "I'm so grateful everyday that you gave me another chance."

"That's exactly how I feel about you, Edward. I know I'm not perfect and I'm grateful you've given me another chance, too, and everyday seems to bring us closer together. Our future together is going to be wonderful, I just know it."

He didn't reply, but held me even tighter, burying his head in my neck. We sat like that for what seemed like an eternity, until I noticed a pair of golden eyes staring at me out of the darkness from the edge of the clearing.

They were the eyes in my nightmare.

AN: Alright Dear Readers, you MUST let me know what you thought about this chapter.

Now that you've reached the end of this long chapter I want you to know that I did massive research before I rewrote it this week. Last night I reread the two chapter where Jacob kisses Bella three times each because I wanted everything I wrote to be as accurate as possible. Most everything Bella says or thinks about Jake is taken almost verbatim from Eclipse. I'm not really putting new words in her mouth, I am just building a different framework for them. The conclusions she draws however are my invention. Pretty much the same goes for Edward; it's really all there in Eclipse, you just need to do a careful reading and a little interpretation.

I again thank my beta, not done baking, for never holding back. Another friend, Ranma15177 is making incredibly valuable insights to help shape and refine this tale, beginning with Chapter 18. You have her suggestion to thank for 'happy Edward' in the end of this chapter. I'm very grateful to have help like this, so cheerfully given. Ranma15177 has a new story called "Conversations with Emmett," that includes the whole Cullen clan and the Denali clan, and you can get to her through a link in my Favorites Stories List (her story there is called "Making A Home" and it's about how Carlisle and Esme came to be).