Thanks to you, my loyal readers, Blue Moon Over Manka's won the Danger Magnet award at The Denali Coven website. The Award represents the "Best Bella Characterization," and I'm so glad you think I'm doing a good job with her.

Chapter 24: Persistence of Memory

We breezed past a large lagoon on the west side of the highway and Edward said that it was called "Bolinas," and that there were vampires there. I straightened up at that news.

"They're an old couple and not much of a problem. In their effort to keep a low profile they keep stealing the highway signs that point the way to the town, but it gets blamed on local hippies who are trying to discourage tourists from using their beach. The town has a reputation for being a haven for those who march to their own drummer, that kind of thing. The vampires fit right in. Sharks get blamed for some of the surfers who wash up on the beach, but it's not always the shark's fault," he said matter-of-factly.

I shivered and gazed at the ocean. It was still about an hour until noon but the gray sky allowed no hint of the sun overhead. I noticed we were the only car on the two-lane highway and I couldn't recall seeing another one since we left Bear Valley. Edward seemed caught up in his own thoughts so I pushed the play button on the CD player.

It picked up where it had left off yesterday, with Bernadette Peters singing another old song Alice had played for me; it reminded me so much of my relationship with Edward I was delighted to put it in the mix.

I got lost in his arms and I had to stay. It was dark in his arms and I lost my way. From the dark came a voice, and it seemed to say, "There you go, there you go!"

How I felt, as I fell, I just can't recall. But his arms held me fast, and it broke the fall. And I said to my heart as it foolishly kept jumping all around: "I got lost, but look what I found."

Edward brought my hand to his lips again, smiling as he listened to the part about my heart foolishly jumping all around.

Then the Eva Cassidy version of Sting's Fields Of Gold began. I found her voice to be heartbreakingly beautiful, so full of emotion it was sometimes difficult to listen to, but this song always reminded me of when Edward took me to our meadow for the first time.

You'll remember me when the west wind moves, among the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky when we walk in fields of gold
So she took her love, for to gaze awhile, among the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down, among the fields of gold
Will you stay with me will you be my love, among the fields of barley

I never made promises lightly, and there have been some that I have broken
But I swear in the days still left we will walk in fields of gold
We will walk in fields of gold

Edward turned the volume down before the song was half way over and I turned my head to look at him, expecting him to say something, but he didn't speak.

"What's the matter?" I wondered aloud.

"This song is a little painful to listen to," he finally managed to say.

"Really? Her voice is very moving. It seems a bit sad, but it reminds me of the first time you took me to our meadow and the sun was sparkling on you and I knew that I was so… so in love with you." I felt relieved for him to know what it meant to me.

"It's a special song for me, too, but for a slightly different reason. It reminds me of our first day in the sun, but it also reminds me of a time when I was so far away from you and I didn't think I'd ever see you again."

What did he mean by that? I suddenly had a horrible thought.

"Did you take a mix CD with you before you left?" I asked hesitantly.

"I downloaded some things to my ipod." His answer had a hard edge to it.

"Sad songs, like this one?"

"Yes." Now bitterness crept into his velvet voice.

"Did you just listen to it over and over and make yourself miserable?" I asked in horror.

"Yes. Sometimes feeling the pain was the only thing that got me through the night," he admitted. "I was so hollow, so empty. I was a fool to leave you for even a moment, a stupid fool."

I wasn't going to argue with him about that, but he had been torturing himself with music, something he loved. The whole time I had thought he didn't care for me at all, he was unable to forget about me, constantly reliving our happy moments and knowing he would never see me again. Back then I thought I had been the only one drenched in pain. My heart went out to him.

"Edward, that is brutal."

"It was no more than I deserved. I thought of you every moment I was away and the music mirrored my emotional state."

"That's almost funny, Edward." He looked at me through narrowed topaz eyes, uncomprehendingly.

"I mean it's odd, because I had the exact opposite reaction. I couldn't listen to any music. It all reminded me of you and I couldn't stand it. I already felt like my heart had been ripped out and music was just like pouring salt on the wound. Fresh pain." I was amazed I was able to articulate how I had felt.

He had been slowing down as we twisted around the curvy coastline road. Now he pulled off the road into a little viewpoint area. He turned the engine off and we gazed out at the powerful and majestic ocean waves. The waves pounded against the rocks but somehow it was a calming sound.

He took both my hands in his. We looked into each other's eyes and I felt like we were in our own world.

"You know, music wasn't the only thing I couldn't deal with while you were gone. I couldn't bear to watch TV either, for a long time. I basically stopped reading. I had to force myself to do anything. I just wanted to curl up and make my mind go blank," I said, sounding remarkably calm.

"Meanwhile I was doing everything possible to make myself feel as much pain as I could. I knew I deserved to be punished for what I had done to you."

"Please, Edward. It hurts me even now to think about you suffering like that."

"I'm always astounded by your ability to forgive, Bella. I will spend every day I have trying to make up for the pain I caused you. I'm so sorry," Edward's voice was full of emotion. I knew he was sorry and I took comfort in that because I thought it meant he would never try to leave me again.

"Of course I've forgiven you, Edward. I never stopped loving you. You know, this is the first relationship for both of us. We're bound to make mistakes. That's how we grow; and on some things we are so opposite – like the music. When did you put that torture playlist together?" I asked, curious to see what his thinking had been before that terrible day.

"The night before I came over to your house for the last time. The night I wouldn't stay with you." His voice was flat now. It must be agony for him to tell me this but I needed to understand.

I remembered how I knew something was odd, he had been acting distant, but I didn't know what it was. I had already begun to feel the pain when he wouldn't stay that night. Little did I know how much worse it would become.

"After I dropped you off I went home, everyone was packing and preparing to leave and I shut myself up in my room and downloaded the music that reminded me of you. It only took about an hour, and then I came back to watch you sleep for the last time."

"So you had it all planned out," I confirmed.

"Yes. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I couldn't let myself go into your room that night; I was afraid I would never be able to go through with my plan if I did. I stayed outside, watching you through the window, memorizing your every breath. You called out for me many times that night, and I was afraid you sensed what I was going to do. It took everything in me to resist going to you. I wanted to, I wanted take you in my arms and never let you go, but I was so afraid. I knew it meant certain death for you. We were just too dangerous for you to be around… we still are, for that matter," he added under his breath.

"Edward, how I wish you had come in that night, and just told me how you felt," I said, my heart breaking all over again.

"I sat in that tree all night, debating with myself. I wasn't ready to see you become like me, and I knew that would happen if I stayed. So I watched you for what I knew would be the last time."

"That's so horrible, Edward. I did know something was wrong. You weren't acting like yourself, but I just thought you were upset about what happened with Jasper."

"After that disaster we called your birthday party I felt I had to do something. I was desperate to protect you and I mistakenly thought it would be better if we all left you alone to lead a normal human life."

"We all know how well that worked out." I couldn't help saying it.

"Yes, it made your birthday party look like a day at the beach," he agreed. "Of course you're not a normal human; you are extraordinary," he said, kissing my palm and inhaling my scent.

"Do you still have that music on your ipod?" I asked, unable to leave it alone.

"No. I broke it in a million pieces after I threw the cell phone away. When I called your house and heard about the funeral… I was destroyed and I wanted to destroy everything," he said simply.

Then he seemed to have another thought. "You know I have to say, I do think… your friend is somewhat to blame for his part in this. If he had just handed you the phone or told me what funeral Charlie had gone to…" he complained.

I could tell Edward didn't want to say Jacob's name out loud. So I didn't either. "He really did think you were Carlisle, and you know how the wolves feel about you all…and what would you have done if he had handed me the phone?" I wondered.

"I don't know. I would have been so happy to have heard your voice. Just thrilled to know you were still alive after Rosalie's asinine phone call. I don't know if I would have been able to speak, but if I had, I think I would have told you how much I regretted leaving you and begged you to forgive me. I don't think I could have stopped myself if I had heard your beautiful voice," he said huskily.

"It was all I was thinking about then anyway. My resolve was in shreds. All I thought about night and day was how I could get back to you. I had no idea what had happened to you, or if you would even speak to me again, after the way I had lied to you. My worst fear was that you had moved on and found someone else to love. Although that is what I wanted for you it would have shattered me as well."

It did my heart good to hear him say that. He had been just as miserable as I was. I felt so relieved that we were able to talk about this now without falling apart. Being able to discuss it, relatively calmly, seemed to be part of the healing process. We were both good at repressing unpleasant things, but it seemed like the more we talked about this the easier it became. We didn't need any more misunderstandings. Then his voice snapped me out of my reverie.

"I have given this so much thought, the whole time I was gone I did nothing but think of you, think of us, what we might have been… what fate might have had in store for us. I've never told anyone this; it was so crazy, I can't even believe that I thought about it at all…" he trailed off, seemingly lost in thought again.

"Well you have to tell me now. It will be okay, whatever it is. Just tell me," I said gently.

"I love how you can say that, Bella. You make me want to share everything with you, things I've never shared with anyone."

"That's good, because I want to share everything with you, too, Edward. The dark and the light… you can tell me anything. I will still love you."

He let go of my hands and said, "Stay there," as he quickly opened his door and then appeared on my side of the car, opening my door and reaching in to undo my seat beat. He lifted me out of the car and set me down, put his arm around my waist and led me to a boulder facing the waves. He sat down and pulled me into his lap, wrapping his strong arms around me and holding me against his chest.

"I want to hold you when I talk about this; it is painful for me and the only thing that eases my pain is feeling you in my arms," he said, his voice raw with emotion. I reached my hand up and stroked his face; even when he was suffering he looked like an angel.

He kissed me swiftly, his lips moving urgently against mine as if he thought I might disappear at any moment. I gently caressed his cheek, trying to calm him; I longed to make him feel better. I felt him relax a bit and he moved his lips up to kiss my forehead, holding me tight against him.

"I'm not going anywhere, Edward. I'm going to be with you forever," I tried to reassure him.

He took a deep breath and then said, "When I left you, I said it would be as if I never existed, but I didn't really mean it. That's why I sent the scholarship money; I wanted you to know that I was still thinking about you. That's why I left the things under the floorboard. I had secretly hoped you would find them. I couldn't stand to think that you would forget me, even though I thought that's what would be best for you."

"I know all that, Edward." As if I could ever forget him. I had produced delusions just so I could hear his velvet voice.

"I know you do; that's not what I meant before, but that's part of it."

I was really confused now. What was he getting at?

"You know how Carlisle met Esme when she was sixteen?"

"Yes, I know their story; it's very sweet. How she liked him immediately, but he of course couldn't have anything to do with a young human girl. It's kind of like us, only Carlisle never got to spend a lot of time with Esme."

"Yes, it's exactly like us. That's what I was talking about earlier, when I said I had this crazy idea. Carlisle had feelings for Esme, but he denied them. He was stronger than I was. He wanted her, but left her and never looked back. The fact that they met again years later, when she was so near death, and only he could save her… he looked at it as a sign from God."

"Maybe it was, Edward," I offered, hoping that if he believed Esme was meant to be with Carlisle maybe he would believe I was meant to be with him.

"Well, that's why he was able to change her; he thought she was already damned because of committing suicide, and he felt like perhaps he would be saving her from going straight to hell. I also think he couldn't deny his feelings any longer when he saw her suffering so. He saw her as his mate and he just couldn't let her go."

"I never thought about it like that; but how is that exactly like us?"

"It's just that, when I left, I hoped you would have a long, happy life. Seven years passed between the first and second time Carlisle found Esme. So I thought, in the back of my mind, after five years or so, if I checked on you and found you… well, I certainly didn't want you to commit suicide, please don't think that." He looked very worried, but I was still confused.

"What are you saying, Edward?"

"Just that if I came back and found you had been in an accident, or had an incurable illness, or I don't know what, I just thought that maybe after a few years it would be possible for me to return and find you in such a condition that if I changed you it wouldn't be such a sin. I told you it was crazy. I was out of my mind."

I thought about this. He had driven himself crazy, over me. Well, so had I, driven myself crazy over him. I thought about my reckless behavior with the motorcycle, and the cliff diving. The cliff diving.

"Edward, when you called the house and you thought I was dead…"

"Yes, that's what pushed me over the edge. I would have tried to kill myself any time I had found out you had died, but to think that I had been so stupid as to let myself hope that after a few years I might be able to come back and change you… and then to find out that I was too late. It was like my heart had already been ripped out, and then it was being shredded in front of my face," he said as his voice broke on the last word.

I couldn't say anything. The depth of his emotion was overpowering. I ached to think about us both suffering so much and just clung to him, trying to get as close as possible.

"Don't get me wrong, I thought I deserved it. After what I had done to you, I wanted nothing more than to leave this earth and try to find you in the next world," he said, stoking my hair tenderly.

I took a deep breath before saying anything.

"You know, Edward, when you left, you took everything. I had nothing left to live for. I did a lot of stupid things when you were away. I just wanted to hear your voice, telling me to stop. It made me think you still cared about me," I confessed.

"I did. I never stopped loving you. I never will and I will never leave you again," he said fervently, bringing his lips to hover just above mine. "I promise," he whispered, just before kissing me with even more tenderness and care than usual, as if he was afraid I might break at any moment. I reached up and took his face in my hands, trying to comfort him. He broke away from my lips and planted kisses across my cheek and down my neck, inhaling deeply when he got to my shoulder.

"Look on the bright side," I said, hoping to lighten his mood. "At least I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol; I could have gotten in much worse trouble."

"Right," he agreed sarcastically. "You just ran with a pack of young werewolves, raced motorcycles and jumped off a cliff… minor distractions."

"Jake was supposed to be with me at the cliffs, but I couldn't wait for him. I was impatient to hear your voice, so I jumped. I knew as soon as I hit the water it was a mistake, though. The current was pulling me under and your voice was urging me to fight, to get to the surface, but I just couldn't."

I gazed into his golden eyes and saw that they held all the pain I had felt that day.

"I thought I was going to die but my life didn't flash before my eyes. My thoughts were only of you and how the pain would finally end, and maybe I would get to see you again."

"You would have. I was determined to find you in the next world. I could not stay here any longer without you. You are my life, Bella," he said as he held me tighter against him.

"You are mine, Edward," I murmured into his neck. "I wasn't trying… I didn't set out to kill myself, but if I had drowned, I wouldn't have cared. I had just about given up hope that you were ever going to come back. It was so hard to do anything."

"I can't stand to think about you in so much pain. I'm so sorry. You don't have to talk about this, Bella. We are together now and forever." He reached out and touched my cheek gently with his fingertips.

"I know that, Edward, but I feel like I have to say this. I just… I don't think I would be alive now if not for Jacob. He just wouldn't give up on me. There were so many times when I didn't see the point of going on and he would be there for me. It doesn't really matter what his motives were, I have to be grateful to him; and he did save me from drowning. Without him, I'm not sure I would be here now," I said, searching his face to see how he would take this admission.

"I know, Bella. For that I owe him a debt I will never be able to repay," he said, his voice low and intense.

"I'm glad you understand. It makes me feel better to talk about this, Edward. I feel much closer to you when we're able to communicate. I know it's painful, but it's good to get it out in the open; we can't have secrets from each other. I want to share everything with you. We have to tell each other the truth if we expect to have trust," I hoped he would understand why this was important to me, and with the way he was revealing more and more of himself to me, I believed he did.

"That's a very mature attitude, Bella, but I'm afraid I'm always going to want to protect you from harsh realities; I would do anything to make your life easier," he explained.

"Well keeping me in the dark isn't always so beneficial," I reminded him. "We have to be able to talk like this."

"You may be right, but old habits are hard to break, and only Carlisle seems to have older habits than me," he smiled his crooked smile and I had to smile, too. It must have been all right with him if he could start to tease about it. We had made it over the roughest patch and I hoped that things would be easier after this. I knew I would do anything to be with him and I had to believe he wanted me to be with him forever.

My beta, Ranma15177, was also nominated! Her story, Escaping Sol was nominated for Best Action/Adventure fiction, the Race Through Volterra Award. I have to express gratitude to my other beta, not done baking, who is a wonderful writer herself, and has contributed greatly to this story.

If you put Blue Moon on Story Alert, you will get an email every time I add a new chapter. If you put me on Author Alert you will get an email every time I write anything new.

I always enjoy hearing from you guys, so please leave a review for this chapter and feel free to PM me anytime.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU