AN: Another long chapter for your reading pleasure. Blue Moon has been nominated in yet another contest, the Romanctastic Round at the Twilight Awards, for Best Chemistry and Best Kiss. Link to vote is on my Profile page, along with the link to my Blue Moon Photo Album. You have to go look at the new pictures I uploaded, you will not be disappointed, I promise. Without any further delay, please read and review.

Chapter 32: Blame It On My Youth

Late Saturday night

I brushed my teeth and ran the hairbrush through my hair for good measure. I felt refreshed and not the least bit sleepy. I was ready for round two, whatever that might be. With Edward's moods I never knew what to expect, but he was never boring.

As I left the bathroom I heard the snap and hiss of the log fire. Edward had lit the kindling and already had a blazing fire going. He was standing by the fireplace and he had taken off his jacket; he watched me as I stood uncertainly in the bedroom.

"Come here, Bella," his velvet voice compelled me.

My body responded immediately to the sound of his voice beckoning me; my heart beat erratically and I found it difficult to breathe. What now, I thought as I slowly walked toward him. I could hear the soft, romantic big band music we had been dancing to earlier, now coming from the hidden speakers in the living room. I wondered if he wanted to dance some more, and thought that maybe this time I could trip on purpose, tangling my legs with his and bringing us both down. The idea of him top of me on the floor sounded great, but I doubted I would be able to pull it off. He was too graceful to ever let that happen.

As I got nearer he gestured toward the sofa and I sat down, curling my legs next to me. I couldn't keep up with his varying emotions and I decided to just give up trying. He began to pace back and forth in front of the fireplace like a caged tiger. I could tell he had something he wanted to say to me and I imagined he was having a hard time finding the right words. I waited patiently at first, glad to have another opportunity to enjoy his physical beauty, but as he continued pacing I started to get anxious.

I began to chew on the inside of my lower lip until finally I blurted out, "Whatever it is, just say it Edward, the suspense is killing me."

He stopped and ran his hand through his hair, leaving it in greater disarray than usual, but he still looked stunning. "I'm trying to find the proper way to apologize and I can't even do that correctly," he said, as if exasperated with himself.

"You haven't done anything you need to apologize for, Edward," I protested.

"I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say, Bella, and that is all my fault. I find this difficult to talk about, and I made a mess of it. The fact that I am having trouble controlling myself around you is in no way your fault, and I am not blaming you. You cannot help that you are so lovely and alluring and I did not mean to imply that you were doing anything wrong. Can you please forgive me?"

I groaned. "Edward, there is nothing to forgive, and if anything, you have just made yourself even more irresistible."

He looked relieved, but still concerned. "The way you stalked out of here frightened me; I was afraid I hurt your feelings."

"I was feeling a little bruised, but it's not all your fault, not by a long shot," I assured him. "I asked for it, and I know it's not easy to talk about. We're navigating in uncharted waters here."

"You are so forgiving, Bella. I sometimes wonder if there is anything I could do that you wouldn't forgive."

"I don't think there is, Edward. I love you unconditionally. There are things you could do that would hurt me, but I would forgive you… I couldn't live without you."

"I am so grateful you have given me the opportunity to make you happy, Bella. That's all I want."

"It's not very hard for you to make me happy, Edward," I replied, wishing he would sit down next to me instead of remaining by the fireplace.

"It seems like I manage to mess that up, though," he said in a low tone, looking away from me.

"It won't be long before we both get everything we want, and then it will be easier," I said, thinking of all the changes on the horizon that would make our human-vampire conflicts a thing of the past.

He shook his head. "You are amazing; you make it sound like we'll take a stroll in the park and then all our problems will be solved."

"I have to have a positive attitude, Edward, and you know I'm good at repressing the negative."

"I need lessons. I used to think I was good at repression, but you make me feel things I've never felt before and I am not so good at dealing with these new feelings," he said thoughtfully.

"I'm sorry, but I don't want to encourage you to repress those feelings," I teased.

"Now you are being naughty on purpose," he said reproachfully.

"Guilty as charged. What are you going to do about it?" I asked provocatively.

He nervously ran his hand through his hair and began to pace back and forth in front of the fireplace again. His hair was starting to look like he'd been through a wind tunnel and I thought about how I would like to run my hands through it. "I have never felt more human, more alive or more like a seventeen year old boy," he said with agitation.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing, Edward?" It seemed like it would be a good thing, but his body language said something else. Watching him pause and look down at the floor before he spoke made me even more on edge.

"Both. I didn't expect to feel so happy, and it's wonderful, but I just don't know what I'm doing. You would think I would," he said as he raised his head and looked into my eyes, "but I've never even kissed a girl before you, Bella, and I've certainly never done anything else. I cannot afford to make a mistake with you."

"You don't mean you think being with me is a mistake, do you?" I asked quietly. I was always sure he was going to say this one day, but not this day.

"No, of course not." He sank onto the floor in front of me and took my hands in his. "That's not what I meant at all. You are my everything, Bella, and I don't want to disappoint you."

"Is that what you're worried about? Because you don't need to worry about that, Edward, you're wonderful, believe me. You seem like you know exactly what you're doing," I said cautiously, not sure what to say. He always seemed perfect to me.

"Well I don't," he said harshly. "Although I feel like I'm seventeen, I also have to be the adult; I am responsible for you, for your happiness, for your safety—"

"Stop," I interrupted. "We're in this together. I feel responsible for your happiness, too, and as for my safety, we're both responsible for that. I'm not going to do something stupid tonight, and you're not going to hurt me. We don't have to do anything, Edward."

"Yes we do. You were right; we can't just expect everything to go smoothly on our wedding night if… if we don't work up to it. I'm just so frightened."

I had seldom seen him so vulnerable, so exposed. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him everything would be okay, but I knew he was right. Neither of us had any experience, and the slightest mistake could be deadly. He had finally convinced me of that.

I leaned forward and ran my hands up his arms to rest on his shoulders. He felt so solid and hard, but he was so sweet to let me know on the inside he had weaknesses similar to mine. He sat up on his knees, wrapped his arms around me and we clung to each other. He started stoking my hair and said, "Your heart is beating so fast; I'm so sorry, please don't be upset."

"I'm not upset with you, Edward. I know that the two of us were made for each other, but it seems like nothing has ever been easy for us. Nothing except the way I feel when I'm with you. When you're holding me like this, nothing else matters. This is where I belong."

His arms tightened around me and he held me even closer, gently pressing his lips against my temple. "You never cease to amaze me, Bella."

"You're pretty amazing yourself."

He smiled my favorite crooked grin and I melted inside. I was suddenly inspired. "Edward, why don't we sort of try starting over? I'll quit trying to pressure you and you can stop worrying about what you think we're supposed to be doing and just let things happen naturally. How about that?"

"Things between us happening naturally…" he raised an eyebrow and then smiled. "I know what you mean and I'm willing to give it a try."

He brought my hand to his lips and began kissing my wrist. I sighed contentedly and gazed into his golden eyes. It seemed like this discussion had reassured him and given him the confidence to test his self control after all. I wasn't going to argue about that, but I wouldn't overreact, either. I would try to be good and not make things harder for him, but where he was concerned it was a test on my self-control, too. The fire danced behind his bronze hair and the heat seemed to be coming from him. He leaned in and placed his cool, hard lips on my warm, soft ones.

I felt like I was in a dream, and I reached my hands up to hold on to his shoulders. After a moment he pulled away and gazed at me with such tenderness, I started to tremble, and he put his arms around me and brought me closer to him. I laced my hands behind his head and played with the hair at the nape of his neck.

"Every moment with you brings me more joy than I ever dreamed of Bella," he whispered. "I still find it amazing that someone as sweet and kind and beautiful and brave as you even wants to be in the same room with me," he admitted.

"You didn't choose your fate, Edward, it was chosen for you. You are in no way to blame for what happened to you, and you've made the best of it. You and Carlisle and Esme, I admire all of you so much. No one could ask for a better family. I will be so proud and so happy when I finally truly belong," I said sincerely.

His lips touched mine softly, sweetly, as if sharing something sacred with me and me alone. I remembered that I was the only one he had ever shared a kiss with, and I wished now that I could say the same thing in return. His next kiss was slow and full of tenderness. I could tell he was feeling extreme pleasure from this closeness, indulging himself in my warmth, my scent, the feel of my skin against his and this made me tingle with happiness.

Edward kissed me again, this time with more intensity and my pulse throbbed loudly. I was getting very warm and I started to struggle out of the sweater coat I was still wearing. He pulled back and reluctantly let go of me. I threw the coat off and leaned back against the sofa. My face was flushed and I knew it must be getting to him, but when I caught his eye all I saw was his eagerness for this new level of intimacy. I was so glad he was going to give us another chance tonight.

He took both my hands in his before he spoke. "After hearing thousands of thoughts about being in love and the physical act of love, the way I feel about you seems like a new discovery to me. Everything with you is brand new. I've never felt anything like this before, and you would think I would be prepared, but it's so unexpected and overwhelming. Would you tell me if I was doing something wrong?"

"You have nothing to worry about, Edward. Don't you know whenever you touch me I feel this spark that makes my whole body vibrate? When you kiss me, it's all I can do to retain consciousness," I freely admitted.

"Have you ever felt anything like that before?" he asked cautiously.

He must have been wondering about Jacob, the only other person who had ever kissed me. I had been such a fool. I loved Edward, and he was comparing himself to Jake, and that was my fault.

"No, when you kiss me it's like nothing I've ever felt before. It's hard to describe… fantastic doesn't begin to cover it. It's like this fire is burning inside of me, but in the best way."

His face relaxed and he seemed happier. "You're so warm, Bella, but I didn't know you felt that fire inside, too."

"I don't think it's temperature related. I think it's something I could never feel with anyone else, Edward, not in a million years."

"You were made for me," he said softly.

"I'm glad you realize that," I answered, just as softly.

He moved from the floor to sit on the sofa and drew me to him with no reluctance or hesitation. I leaned toward him and took his smooth, exquisite face in both my hands. Slowly I edged closer until our lips met and I felt them burn with an astonishing heat. His hands were at my waist and he carefully pulled me closer to him until I felt every plane of his hard body. He still held me as if I were some fragile piece of crystal that might shatter under too much pressure, but I could tell he was very much in control and I had nothing to fear from him.

Giving me a chance to breathe, he kissed along my jaw to my earlobe, nuzzling my neck and inhaling deeply. "Beautiful," he murmured against my skin. Gratitude welled up in me for his courage in giving us a new way to express our love for each other.

When Edward raised his head I looked into his liquid topaz eyes and saw the fire. As our kisses grew even more passionate I put my hand on the back of his neck and ran my fingers through his silky hair, tugging him even closer to me. He slipped his hand under the hem of my blouse and his cool fingertips slid across my back and around to graze my side, before moving up to rest his palm lightly against the lace of my bra. I had barely registered this when he curled his fingers inside the top edge and slowly moved them back and forth along my overheated flesh. That felt so good, I started to quietly whimper. When he started rubbing circles with his thumb on top of the lace, I gasped and his cool tongue darted in and caressed my own. The tenderness of his passion only intensified my desire for him. I wanted to be connected with him in every way, forever.

My head was starting to spin and I was afraid I was going to faint but I didn't ever want this moment to end. He moved his lips to my cheek and then I felt his breath in my ear as he whispered, "You are so lovely." He never seemed to tire of telling me this and I loved to hear it from him.

Gently he covered my neck with kisses. Then his icy tongue licked from just below my ear to the base of my neck, where he took a bit of skin between his velvet lips and sucked gently. I felt a surge of unfamiliar impulses that began in my legs and flowed upward through my whole body. I moaned and he increased the pressure as I squirmed beneath him, tugging on his hair and pressing him against my flesh. Shivers of pleasure ran through me and I could feel Edward's body tense against mine.

"Do you have any idea what that does to me, Edward?" I asked weakly.

"I am beginning to," he murmured, his cool breath hitting my skin and causing me to shiver. "You are mine, Bella."

Then his lips were urgent on mine in longer and stronger kisses and I began to tug at the top button of his shirt. His tongue curled into my mouth, teasing me with the slightest touch, like the little strokes his fingertips were making against my breast. I still managed to get three buttons undone before he suddenly released me and leaned back on the sofa. I was panting slightly and I was sure my face must be glowing crimson.

"We have to stop now. I can't do this, Bella," he said slowly, as if struggling to find the words.

"Yes you can, you're good at it," I breathed, still a bit hazy, but thinking a few words of encouragement might do the trick.

"Bella! Don't get me wrong. I have to admit I love watching you try to breeze right through Purgatory and take the express train directly to Hell."

"Well, I do my best to keep you entertained," I offered. "How about doing your part?" I teased, trying to stay positive.

"I am doing my part. I'm guarding your soul; someone has too," he said, sounding frustrated.

"Hmm… seems like I've heard that song before."

"Bella, every word I say to you has a weight and a meaning; I don't just talk to hear the sound of my own voice."

His voice. I could listen to him speak all day; it wouldn't matter what he was saying, he had the most beautiful voice. It lulled me into a sense of calm, but I knew he was trying to tell me something.

"Yes, Edward. I love the sound of your voice."

"Bella. I'm trying to be serious," he said, but the tone of his voice was light, as if he were trying to hide his amusement.

"I know; I'm listening." Now. I was trying to be coherent, which wasn't easy, given what we had just been doing. I leaned toward him again, reaching up to touch his cheek.

He took my wrist in his hand and brought it down to take my hand in both of his. His voice was suddenly low and intense.

"Bella, I know what you want, and I want it too. Don't you think I want to take you in my arms and never let you go? Don't you know it is torture for me that we can't kiss the way you deserve to be kissed?"

"You're doing fine in the kissing department, but I'm sorry, Edward, I wasn't thinking." I hoped he wasn't comparing himself to Jacob again. What else could I do to reassure him? Of course I wanted to be able to kiss Edward with as much passion as we both felt, and we both knew as long as I was human, that wouldn't be possible. I just wished he wouldn't blame himself.

"You're the only one I want to kiss me, Edward. I love everything about you. You make me happier than I deserve to be. Please say you believe me."

"I want to believe you, but you must be disappointed in me. The expression on your face says it all."

"Aaah! The expression on my face says, 'I'm Bella's face' and that's all."

"Well you know I can't read your mind and I have to get clues from somewhere, since you won't be honest with me."

The fact that he was right about this did not make me feel any better; I hadn't told him the whole truth about Jacob, about the future I had envisioned with him. I didn't want to hurt Edward any more than I already had. What could I say now? He was already in enough pain without me making it worse. I had to come up with something good.

"All right, I admit it. The fact is I'm disappointed this isn't our wedding night. This cabin is the perfect spot for a honeymoon, and I guess I got a little carried away, imagining what that will be like. Can you blame me? Aren't you looking forward to that night, too?"

Edward seemed to relax a bit, but he didn't look happy. "More than you know."

"Well, that's something we can agree on."

He abruptly stood and turned toward the fireplace. He seemed to be taking deep breaths. When he turned around again he asked softly, "Bella, can you remember a time when you tried to push me away?"

I gasped. What was he getting at? I could only remember the one time I slammed my bedroom window down, but that episode has been so brief.

"Just the once, when I discovered how you tampered with my truck to keep me from going to see… from going to La Push." I amended.

"No, you were right the first time; when I tried to keep you from going to see Jacob."

Was that what this was about? Jacob? He knew I had said goodbye to Jacob and made my choice. Neither one of us would ever forget that tear-filled night, I was sure of that. "I was very angry about my truck; but I got over it pretty quickly, didn't I?"

"Yes you did. I learned a valuable lesson, as well. That was a turning point for me. It was the first time you ever so plainly tried to shut me out. While I waited to see if you would open your window again I pictured my existence without you. It was too horrible to contemplate. I also hated what I had done to you. I couldn't stand to see you so upset and to know that I was the cause of it."

I was always so afraid of losing him that it was hard to remember he was afraid of losing me, even though he reminded me often enough. Jacob was not a threat, though. Jake was part of my past, and whether I liked it or not, that's where I thought he was going to stay.

"You forgave me so easily, but I was still so worried about your visits to LaPush. With Victoria on the loose and Alice unable to see you when you crossed into their territory, I was frantic trying to keep you safe and I went too far," he continued, his voice sounding calmer than his words.

"Kidnapping was a bit drastic; but I did manage to give Alice the slip anyway, and I was the one who learned my lesson then," I replied, remembering how Jacob had told me he'd rather see me dead than spend an eternity with Edward. It had hurt when he said it then and it still hurt to think about it now. I wondered how much of that had been about my becoming a vampire and how much of it was really about my being with Edward.

At the time I had insisted on seeing Jacob as my best friend and nothing more, but clearly he had been making other plans long before I had become aware of them. Maybe Edward had been right to try and restrict my visits with Jacob; if I had only listened to him back then, so many painful things could have been avoided.

"We both learned a lesson that weekend. Alice had told me how angry you were with me when you came back, and even before I talked to you I had decided if you needed to see Jacob I wouldn't try to stop you anymore. That is still true, Bella."

"I would still like to be friends with Jake, but I don't think he wants to be friends with me anymore. I'm not going to be in Forks that much longer, anyway, am I?"

"That is your choice, Bella. We can remain there as long as you like."

"You know what I mean, Edward. I can't stay there as a newborn, can I?"

A frown creased his beautiful brow. "No, that is true, but you can stay there as a human."

"That's not an option, Edward. Stop this. I won't have this discussion again. I've made my decision and you've promised and I'm holding you to it," I said emphatically, trying desperately not to lose my temper.

He leaned down and kissed my forehead and stoked my hair. "All right, calm down. I am just trying to understand you, Bella. Sometimes your actions and your feelings seem to contradict each other."

"I could say the same thing about you. I can't read your mind, either. I think we need to tell each other what we're thinking before we jump to the wrong conclusions."

"If it were only that easy," he said in a faraway tone. He paused and then continued with more conviction. "I want to make one thing clear, Bella… believe me, I want to be with you. You are the most beautiful, desirable woman I have ever encountered. Always remember that."

Edward's eyes were locked on mine and I watched them flicker as I felt the rosy flush spread across my face.

"Do you know why I was so eager to fulfill your wishes the last time we were in our meadow?" he asked quietly.

"You said it was because you were tired of watching me make everyone else happy."

"Yes, that was true then, and it's still true. I wish you would stop putting other people's happiness before your own."

"I'm working on that," I replied truthfully. I already felt more selfish than usual, running away for this weekend trip and deceiving Charlie in the bargain.

"I have not seen a great deal of evidence that supports that. You've been eating well for the past two days, but in the past week you've had no appetite, you've lost weight, and you cry at the drop of a hat. If that is what you are like when you are trying to be happy, I shudder to think what you are like when you aren't trying."

I was shocked into silence. I didn't even know how to respond to that.

"If planning the wedding is so unpleasant for you, I won't force you to go through with it," he said with a finality that was chilling.

"No, it's not that," I quickly exclaimed, "I want to get married now, really I do."

"If it is not the wedding, then what is it? What has been making you so unhappy?"

"I haven't been unhappy. It's just… well, planning the wedding has been stressful, and you know Charlie has been difficult."

"Bella… you know that by trying so hard not to say his name you just make it that much more obvious."

Oh crap. Was I really that easy for him to read? He couldn't still be upset about Jake. Now what could I say? Yes, I'm unhappy about Jake. I'm miserable that I'm responsible for breaking his heart but I still love you more. That would go over well, I'm sure.

"Alright, I don't talk about Jacob because I'm trying to be considerate of your feelings. I can't imagine you want to talk about him... why are you doing this now?"

"If he is occupying your thoughts, of course I want to talk about him."

"He's not occupying my thoughts." Not while I'm with you anyway.

"While I was away hunting, you didn't think about him?"

"No, I thought about you. I spent the day with Alice, working on the CD for you, and all I did was talk about you. Ask Alice if you don't believe me," I said forcefully.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I believe you, but it's clear to me that Jacob is still on your mind, no matter how hard you try to pretend he isn't."

"I don't think about him all the time, but I am worried about him. He's wounded and it's my fault. I hurt him, and I hate that."

"Did you know I told him if you chose him that I would let you go? I would not have stood in your way."

"No, I didn't know that. Why would you say such a thing?" I asked indignantly.

"Because I want you to be happy. I would have let you go, but I would not have stopped loving you. I would have been in the background, making sure he was treating you properly, and just waiting for him to make a mistake. Probably much the same as he is doing now."

"No, you're wrong. He's not waiting around for you to make a mistake. I made it clear that what you and I have is beyond anything I ever felt for him. He knows that even if something happened to you now, I would not turn to him. I still feel like he's my best friend but he will never be anything else, Edward. He knows that, too."

"Thank you, Bella." His eyes sparkled as he raised my hand to his lips and pressed a kiss into my palm. "So you are only concerned that he is in pain?"

"Yes, I'm responsible for hurting him; of course I'm concerned." He had to understand that.

"I see. I wish you felt that you could talk about this with me. It doesn't upset me, if that's what you were afraid of."

I searched his face and he seemed to be telling me the truth, but he was so adept at masking his emotions, I couldn't be sure. "I was a little worried that you would be upset, but besides that, I've caused you enough trouble without this, Edward. There isn't anything you can do, anyway. It's just something that I have to accept. I can't make everybody happy, no matter how hard I try."

"I believe that is a very valuable lesson for you, Bella. You will not always be able to make everyone happy, and frankly, I want you to put your happiness first."

"I did put my happiness first when I chose you. I think it's the most selfish thing I've ever done and I would do it again in a minute," I said brazenly.

He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me to him. "So, no regrets?" His lips were almost touching mine and I inhaled his sweet breath.

"I will always choose you," I gasped, holding very still and hoping he would put those perfect lips of his to use on something other than twenty questions.

That seemed to please him as he smiled briefly before moving his lips to meet mine. After a moment of kissing me gently he deepened the kiss and I could feel his intense delight as his long, artistic fingers knotted in my hair and he held me tight. His lips were as soft as velvet but he was firmly in control and I melted into him, glad that we could share this much closeness. When I needed to breathe he kissed my cheeks and my forehead before leaning back to look into my eyes.

"You are so good at this, Edward. It's hard to believe you've never had any experience," I said, doubt and insecurity coloring my voice, no matter that he had just told me how worried he was about his lack of knowledge in this area.

"In truth, you have had more experience than I have," he quickly replied.

My eyes widened in horror. He wasn't going to bring up Jacob again, not like this. I wished I had kept my big mouth shut, but it was too late. I was scrambling to come up with something to say when he continued.

"I didn't mean for that to sound so… I didn't mean to sound like a cad, I'm sorry," repentance evident in every syllable of his honeyed tones.

"Forget I said anything. It's just that it's so incredible to kiss you, Edward, and I… don't want you to be disappointed in me, because I really don't know what I'm doing," I admitted shyly.

"Bella, you're the most delicate, feminine creature I have ever seen. If what I do pleases you, you should know that you are giving me even more pleasure. Just being able to touch you and hold you is more than I thought possible. Why is it so difficult for you to understand how much I love you?"

"I don't know, Edward, I just went through my whole life up until I met you as the most plain, ordinary girl anyone could imagine," I explained weakly, knowing I sounded pathetic but it was the truth.

He stoked my cheek as he said, "I have to admit I am glad you didn't have adolescent boys chasing after you back then, but you seem to be able to accept that Jacob found you attractive. Why is that?"

I suddenly felt my stomach twist and I didn't like the way this conversation was going at all. The fact that it was my fault it started down this road did nothing to alleviate my discomfort. "I… I don't know." That wasn't true, though. I did know. I felt more like Jacob's equal; he was special, but also human and flawed, not perfect like Edward.

"Well, what did he tell you?" Edward was being persistent.

"I don't think that's something I should discuss with you. Would you like it if I talked about you with him?"

"That would not bother me at all," he replied with a confidence that could be mistaken for arrogance.

"So you think I would say nice things about you?"

"Wouldn't you?" He raised one eyebrow and watched me intently.

How did I get myself into this situation and how could I get myself out of it? "Wouldn't you rather hear me say nice things to you rather than about you?"

"You drive a hard bargain, Bella. Can't I do both?"

"No. Besides, I don't want to talk about my friends now, I just want to be with you," I said, hoping that would satisfy him.

Edward sighed. "Perhaps this would be a good time to get ready for bed."

Hoping to lighten the mood I stood up and said cheerfully, "Would you like to help me get undressed?"

"Bella," he said in the warning tone I was so familiar with.

"Well, at least you can untie the belt in the back for me," I said, turning around.

"Yes, I can do that," he said, pulling at the ends of the ribbon sash and leaning forward to kiss the back of my neck, "but you'll have to do the rest yourself."

"Slacker," I said accusingly. I heard a low chuckle as I headed for the bathroom. Hearing that sweet sound made me feel better. If I could make him laugh even a little bit it meant he wasn't going to let his dark mood last.

I knew I had brought that mood on. It was my fault. I was trying to cross all sorts of boundaries and I knew I was going over the line, but I just couldn't stop myself. When he had his arms around me, and his lips burning on mine I didn't want to stop. Rational thought deserted me.

I felt like we were running, hand in hand towards that cliff in La Push and I wanted to speed up until we were leaping off the cliff and taking the plunge together. I wanted to drown in him, all of him. He overwhelmed all of my senses and I lost control.

Even though Jake had been able to kiss me without any restrictions, I had not felt completely out of control; Jake had not even come close to making me faint. I had been able to stop and come to my senses. The same could not be said when I got lost in one of Edward's kisses. If I was this affected when he was restraining himself, what would I be like when the restrictions were lifted? It didn't bear thinking about at the moment.

I took off all my underclothes and changed into my lovely blue pajamas; maybe I could get used to them. They certainly were soft and easy to sleep in. Alice had probably burned my holey tee and sweatpants by now.

Then I had an idea; I wondered what would happen if I removed my pajama bottoms and went into the bedroom wearing only the top? It was long enough to provide more than enough coverage. Without giving myself time to overanalyze the situation, I quickly slipped the bottoms off and swung the bathroom door open wide. Before I could even take one step into the room I heard Edward's voice.

"Isabella Marie Swan, do I need to call the fashion police? You seem to have lost your pajama bottoms. Do you need help finding them?" he asked pleasantly.

Oh good. He was going to try to make a joke of it. At least he wasn't shutting me down instantly. He also had changed into his pajama bottoms and the ever-present tee shirt. What I wouldn't give to burn that item of his clothing. When we were married I was going to insist he never wear a shirt when we were alone.

I arched my back against the door jam and tried to look as seductive as I knew how, which I imagined wasn't very seductive. "Sure, if you want to help me look," I tried to purr.

Edward seemed to be suppressing the urge to laugh. He was sitting on the bed and hadn't moved a muscle. "You're a fairly smart girl, Bella, I think you know where they are," he said evenly.

"Well," I said, eyes on the floor and slowly advancing towards the bed, "being a smart girl hasn't exactly gotten me to where I wanted to go."

He let out a low growl. I stopped in my tracks. I cautiously raised my eyes and peeked at his face, and although I couldn't fully read his expression, I could see that I had gone too far again. Oops.

"I think I just remembered where they are," I said, as I turned and dashed back into the bathroom, as safely as my clumsy feet would allow. His growl tonight didn't frighten me the way it did last night. I could tell it was just a gentle warning. The growl last night had terrified me, and yet, I had curled up next to him and went to sleep, and I still tried this stunt tonight.

Would I ever learn? It struck me that my version of trial and error was a bit like Russian roulette. Was there something fundamentally wrong with me? Did I really want to know? Edward seemed satisfied with me the way I was, so who was I to question it?

When I reappeared wearing both top and bottoms, he smiled. "Bella, remind me when we get home to call Lloyds of London and take out a million dollar insurance policy on your legs. They are stunning."

I smiled and he continued, "Don't you know how difficult it is for me to lie next to you all night, even when you are wearing pajamas?" He asked, a note of pleading in his velvet voice. I couldn't help it; I blushed.

He groaned and said, "It's agony, but even so, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Your skin is so soft, so radiant, I want to caress every inch of it," he admitted.

I climbed into bed and sat facing him. Edward's honey topaz eyes gazed deeply into mine. I reached for his hand and he twined his fingers with mine. "Edward, I love you. Please know that I always love you, no matter how many stupid things I do."

"I know," he said quietly.

"You know that I want to be with you, always, don't you? No one could ever make me feel the way you do. I just worry that I'm going to let you down someday, and do something to ruin your life."

"Bella, you must not think like that," he said sternly. "I have no life without you; I discovered that the hard way, and I would gladly give whatever I have to protect you and make you happy. I still worry that you are throwing your life away on me and will regret it, and then come to hate me someday," he admitted with anguish.

"No, no, Edward, you don't understand how much I just want to be with you, need to be with you. You are my life. I want to be with you forever, and I know what that means."

He tried to say something, but I put my hand against his lips to stop him. "I know what that means," I continued, "even though you don't believe that I do. I would rather have one day with you than sixty years on earth without you."

"You don't really know what you are asking for," he said with difficulty.

"I know you've tried to protect me from finding out the whole truth of your existence, but after dealing with the Volturi, hearing Jasper's story, and going through the war," he winced as I said that, "I feel like I have a better grasp of what's to come, but I know you're still afraid one day I will run away, screaming as I go."

He looked like he was in pain and I felt like a horrible person for bringing this up now.

"Please don't look like that," I begged. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for, love." He looked a bit calmer and he opened his arms for me to crawl into. I scampered across the bed and snuggled into his chest as his hands gently caressed my back and he kissed me softly on the cheek.

"I like how you're so affectionate with me, Edward. I think I crave it," I told him shyly, running my hand along his shoulder before coming to rest against his neck.

"I know I crave it. I always want to touch you, Bella, feel you next to me." He looked guilty and then he said, "I know it's awful of me, but I even hate it when you're away from me for a human moment." He smiled sheepishly.

That did surprise me, but it was good to hear. I returned his smile.

He looked hesitant, but continued. "When I'm waiting in your bedroom, and you're just a few feet away, taking a shower, it's all I can do not go in there and… join you," he said, his voice getting lower on the last two words. "You get more and more difficult to resist as the days go by."

I leaned my head on his shoulder and looked up at him as he held me, his cool fingertips sliding down my back and beginning to trace patterns on the silk fabric covering my leg.

"I am so looking forward to being Mrs. Edward Cullen, you have no idea," I whispered.

He laughed then, a hearty laugh, and he kissed my temple, saying "Oh, I think I do, my angel, I think I do."

I slid my hand around to touch his face and he lowered his lips to mine, kissing me gently. He lips moved slowly and deliberately, in contrast with my speeding heartbeat. I was trying to be good, but I could feel myself getting carried away.

I parted my lips and so did he, capturing my lower lip with his lips and sucking on it in a way that made me mold myself to him in an effort to get as close as possible. The fact that I wasn't wearing a bra tonight was obvious. His hand slipped under my pajama top and I could feel his cool fingers traveling all over the heated skin on my back and then pressing me tighter against him. Suddenly he let go of me, and we were both panting as we broke apart.

"I want you so badly. Right now," he gasped. His eyes smoldered. He quickly turned me around so my back was against his chest and I was sitting between the V of his stretched out legs. He wrapped his arms tighter around my waist and held me firmly. After a moment he stopped breathing and became as still as a statue. I didn't know what to say or do so I did nothing and decided to let him make the next move. My chest rose and fell as I tried to quiet my breathing. Eventually I turned slightly and rested my forehead against his throat and a few moments later he lowered his head into my hair and began to breathe again.

I twisted around a bit and leaned my head back so I could look into his eyes. "What was that about, Edward?" I asked softly. I had hoped I was about to be ravished and instead, the opposite had happened. I figured we had been going too far again, and I was glad that he didn't have to leave the room this time. That was some kind of progress.

He looked at me for a long moment and then he said, "Another version of mind over matter. I was doing in my mind what I cannot yet do with your body."

"Oh." The telltale scarlet flamed across my face instantly. He leaned forward and placed his cool cheek next to my flushed one.

"Do you do that a lot, Edward?" I knew I spent a lot of time thinking about him in that way.

"Yes, I do, but you are not usually in my arms at the time. Well, you're not usually conscious at the time."

I turned my head and he looked down as if I had caught him with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Is that what you do while I'm asleep?" If it was, it made me very happy to hear it.

Without missing a beat he raised his eyes to mine and replied, "What do you dream about, Bella?"

Now I looked like the one who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar and the flush that had started to fade flamed up again. I wondered how much I said when I was having those dreams about him, probably more than enough for him to figure it out. At least I could use the excuse that I was only human. If only our dreams could become reality.

"It's too bad we can't do one of those Vulcan mind meld things," I wisecracked.

He smiled, shaking his head as he resituated me across his lap and pulled the quilt around me. "How many times have you let Emmett force you to watch the Wrath of Khan ?"

"I feel sorry for him; Rosalie refuses to even stay in the same room with him when it's on," I defended. "Besides, he's worn me down with DVDs of The Next Generation. I actually like that stuff now. I can even explain how the space-time continuum works," I bragged, thinking I could impress him.

He laughed and wrapped his arms all the way around me, hugging me to his chest. "I would love to hear your version of that," he said when he stopped laughing.

"Oh yeah? Well I'm not going to tell you now. All I will say is that the way Data explains it is fascinating. I think he's really cute," I added loyally. Emmett and I both liked Data.

He raised both eyebrows and narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean you think he's cute?"

He couldn't be jealous of Data, but he was giving every indication he was exactly that. "I think it's fairly clear what that means, Edward. He's sweet and loveable, and I like his voice, too."

"You are aware he's a cyborg who doesn't age, aren't you?"

"Yes, I seem to have a thing for guys who don't age," I said, tilting my head a bit and giving him a direct stare through my lashes.

"'Guys' implies more than one. I thought your attraction was singular," he said as if his feelings were hurt.

"It is, but that doesn't mean I don't have lots of fictional boyfriends," I assured him.

"What do you mean, fictional boyfriends?" he asked as if I had said I had two heads.

"Mr. Darcy, Colonel Brandon, you know, fictional characters."

"I am interested in the 'boyfriends' part." He was looking very serious now, and I began to wonder if he was really upset.

"Edward, you can't be jealous of a fictional character," I protested, when it was clear that he was. "I spend every night with you, you know," I tried to placate him as I rubbed my hand against his chest.

"What about the nights when I'm off hunting?" he shot back at me.

My eyes widened involuntarily and I knew I had given myself away. I did spend those nights with my fictional boyfriends, but this was just silly. However, it was better than him grilling me about Jacob. I hoped we had put that subject to rest forever.

"They aren't real, Edward. Besides, no one can compare to you." I thought that would silence him, but I was wrong.

"You have compared me to them?" he asked, sounding shocked.

"No, that's not what I meant," I struggled to explain.

Edward started laughing. He had been teasing me the whole time and I fell for it. I didn't know whether to be mad at him or relieved I wasn't going to have to try to explain anything else. I wanted to smack him but I knew it would probably hurt me more than him.

"Do you know what the British would say about your current behavior?" I demanded.

"No, but I would love to find out," he leaned closer and his breath fanned in my face, causing my heart to speed up of its own accord. He always smelled so good.

"They would call you a love rat," I told him, sounding less angry than I meant to.

He chuckled and said, "I do not recall ever reading that phrase in Jane Austin."

"It's from Bridget Jones' Diary, and it suits you to a tee." I tried to give him a stern look, but it wasn't easy, with the way he was breathing down my neck.

"You are so adorable, I could just eat you up," he growled low and nuzzled his nose against my throat.

I squealed and gripped his shoulders with both of my hands. "Edward…" I giggled.

His icy tongue darted out and touched my neck lightly, several times. Then he blew his cool breath on my skin and the feeling was incredible. I shivered and felt a flame shoot through my center at the same moment.

"Oh… my… Edward," I gasped.

AN: Please leave a review and let me know what you thought about this chapter. THANKS, and be sure to check out the new photos I uploaded to the Blue Moon album '-)

If you like Edward in this chapter, you have my lovely Beta, Ranma15177 to thank. She keeps me in line and I'm eternally grateful. She has also been nominated, so please vote for her too. I especially hope she wins for Best Vampire Ability (her Escaping Sol Bella can temporarily access another vampire's powers) and Best Original Character, for her mythical Lillith. She's doing a terrific job, helping me with Blue Moon, too.

Not done baking has also made a valuable contribution to Blue Moon as my original Beta.

For those of you who haven't been checking Stephenie's quotes of the day, leading up to Breaking Dawn, here's what we have so far:

1. Alice: "I'll play you for it. Rock, paper, scissors."

Edward: "Why you don't you just tell me who wins?"

Alice: "I do. Excellent."

2. Bella: "Oh, Mike! How will I go on?"

3. Tanya: "Ah, Edward. I've missed you."'

4. Emmett: "Oooo, scary."

5. Bella: "Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?"

6. Charlie: "Bells, we're up to bat."

7. Edward: "You're awfully small to be so hugely irritating."